Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Friday, January 25, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Three

 Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.  It's hard to care for something you are not investing in.  Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says,
 "I was thinking of you today."


Yesterdays challenge was about not being selfish.  When a husband puts his interest, desires, and priorities in front of his wife, that's a sign of selfishness.  When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness.  But love "does not seek it's own" (1 Corinthians 13:5)  Loving couples-the ones who are enjoying the full purpose of marriage- are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share their life with.  That's because true love looks for ways to say "yes."

So my challenge yesterday was to do something for my hubby to show him I was thinking about him and I was loving him.  The challenge said to buy something for him but my hubby doesn't like to have money spent on him.  Sure, we will go out as a couple and pick things up for each other or we each go on line and get ourselves something like a new shirt or what have you.  But going out and getting him a gift makes him a little uncomfortable so I knew I would have to tweak this gift to make it meaningful for my hubby.

What I choose to do was I sat with myself for a few moments and thought back over the years of our marriage.  I made sure to focus only on the positive times in our lives and not get lost in any negative.  I allowed my memories to flood my mind with things we had done as a couple over the years.  Memories that were only about him and I, not the kids and us.  That is when it came to me, the memory of a Vegas trip we took together.

We had just had Gabriella, she was only about 5 months old when my hubby decided we were going to Vegas and planned a trip for us.  I had been to Vegas a handful of  times prior to our marriage but this was the first time we were going as a married couple.  This was a great time for us.  He planned so many events and sight seeing attractions we had the time of our lives.
We saw Blue Man Group http://www.blueman.com/montecarlo?gclid=CL6fjoKlhLUCFQhyQgod1GYAzg,
we went to Tony N' Tina's Wedding http://www.showtickets.com/Las-Vegas-Shows/Tony-n-Tinas-Wedding/?cm_mmc=Paid+Search-_-google-_-Shows-_-Tony+n+Tinas_tony+and+tinas+wedding&mkwid=sKtnd4ivC&pcrid=16618406427&pmt=b&pkw=tony%20and%20tinas%20wedding&gclid=CPuD_9-khLUCFQhyQgod1GYAzg,
we went up to The Paris Hotel http://www.parislasvegas.com/?creativeproperty=PLV&source=PSx5x338619&site=google&act=LAV&cmp=LAV_PLVOcc.BMM&adg=Branded&kw=+paris_+vegas and went up the Eiffel Tower.

Our time was filled with so many little adventures but they were big in my heart because we were doing them together and my hubby went out of his way to plan them for us.  It was a great time!

So rather than going out and buying my hubby something, I went into my box of things I keep and I dug out all the ticket stubs for the Vegas trip.  I had saved all the napkins from the hotels we ate at, bars we went to, dance clubs, everything. I gathered all that mementos I had been saving from 7 years ago and wrote my hubby a note and gave them to him.  My hopes was to show him how much that trip meant to me, how much our memories meant to me and how much I was thinking and loving him yesterday. 


When I presented the gift to him I think he enjoyed looking through all the stuff and recalling what we did on that trip.

I know doing this 60 day challenge, even though I am only into day three, has helped me to look past current situations that might be a struggle for us now and recall the times in the past that has brought us here today.  I really feel like this is a chance for me to renew myself as a wife to my hubby and allow myself the freedom to let go of all the junk that comes in a marriage of ten years.

Yesterday challenge forced me to ask myself:

Do you really want what's best for your hubby?
Do you really want your hubby to feel loved?
Do you really have your hubby's best interest in mind?
Does your hubby see you looking out for yourself first?

Whether I like it or not I have a reputation in the eyes of my hubby and those around me.  I want to make sure it is a loving reputation and remind myself daily that my marriage is my purpose.  Making my bond with my hubby to keep our marriage strong in the faces of the storms is one of my purposes.  Not only for my kids but for ME.  I do not work at my marriage only because I do not want my kids to come from a broken home.... I work for my marriage because he is the love of my life.  He is the one I want to be with and he is the only one who has had a hold on me this tight and for this long.  He is the only one I have heard the voice of God saying to me..... "you're not done Mellie.... stay strong... stay there.. and keep fighting."

Life is hard.  Marriage is even harder.  But we are meant to love one another and live a happy life that is based on love, respect and Christ like and I feel in this day and age with so many people trying to get instant gratification we forget the real reason we are here on Earth.... to be happy and live our lives as best as we can and to the fullest that we can with God in our hearts and a love by our side.

Today was a good challenge.... not only was I able to show my hubby love... I was able to remind myself of the love that we have together and tell myself... "Keep working, it will all be worth it in the end."

~Mellie
















****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looks for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Two

Love is Kind
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:32

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.  

Yesterday's challenge was Being Kind.  Kindness is a love action.  If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive change.  The Bible key in this day's challenge is on the importance of kindness: "Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  so you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man."  (Proverbs 3:3-4)

Day two was not really a challenge for me.  I was able to make sure the words coming out of my mouth to my hubby were only positive and loving words.  I did hold my tongue a few times when my EMOTIONS tried to take over me, so having this challenge in the forefront of my mind helped me determine those words were not needed and I discarded them. 

Yesterday was a mental battle for me because I am trying to learn trust again.  I feel so many time in my marriage I have forgiven and moved on only to have my trust broken over and over again.  I know my hubby understands this and deep down inside knows this, but it isn't something we openly talk about.  No one wants to admit that they hurt the one they love and no one wants to be faced with their mistakes over and over again. When you spend so many years together you seem to take turns hurting each other. Because of these issues my mind was running like Lance Armstrong running from his truth.  My mind was flooded with memories I did not want to be thinking about, as if they were a movie being played in my head.  So I battled this all day yesterday and I battled my lack of trust in people.  

But where I got my enjoyment from was when my hubby came home.  

Today I was challenged to do at least one unexpected gesture of kindness for him.  I thought about this all day and tried to rack my brain with what I would do for him that would be out of the norm.  I debated getting him a little treat, he has been working so hard at the gym I thought maybe a candy bar with a sweet message would be good-but then I realized this wasn't really being supportive to his goals.  Then I thought about getting him a gift, a new shirt, a new belt, something like that.  However, unlike me, to my hubby this isn't really something that shows him kindness.  Then it came to me.

For the past few months I have been making a book for my hubby.  It was a way for me to document things we had been doing as a couple, trips we had taken, memories we were building.  I wrote poems in the book, put pictures of us, songs that remind me of him or of our marriage... and letters.  Letters I would write to him when I was moved with an emotion.  I decided that today was the day I was meant to give this book to him and show him how much he means to me and show him how much the times we spend together are cherished in my heart.  I also wanted the book to represent a moment in his life where even with all the chaos that can go on between us, all the past hurts and all the current struggles... he is loved.  Loved for who he is, loved for the core of himself and not what he represents.  This book was meant to show him that no matter what... he has a place in my heart never occupied by anyone else and never will be again... he means that much to me.



So I gave him the book and I think he liked it, he seemed moved by it.  He told me no one has ever done anything like that for him.  I just smiled and told him I love him, honor him and he means the world to me.  He took a few minutes and looked through the book and seemed to like the pages, I hope he can see the love in the pages and the love behind each entry.  But, when we give gifts to the ones we love it is not about us and our expectations it is about them and they get to react in anyway they want to.  So many times in my past I have felt bad if someone did not react the way I wanted them to for a gift I gave, I had to learn it is not about me it is about them and making them happy and if they did not like the gift or appreciate it then I needed to do a better job next time!

Today is Day three and I am excited to get in my book and see what I am going to be focused on today and how this is going to improve my marriage, my faith and my partnership with my best friend.

It's a new day!  New Beginnings, new hope.  I am going to have a great day today and I hope you all do too as well!

~Mellie

***Reminder, I am not doing this challenge because my marriage is in trouble.. I am doing this challenge so I can walk a closer walk in my faith and be a better wife to my hubby.  With a marriage and relationship of 10 years you will have your ups and downs... I love my hubby, I adore him and my marriage and I strive to be better and better in my relationship with him and thought this would be a GREAT way to do it.  I share this with two friends who are struggling in their marriage.  We are doing it together to grow as women and wives. ***

 




Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Love Dare, Day One

I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them yesterday to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looks for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.

Day One

The first part of this dare is fairly simple.  Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart.  For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.  If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.  It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

I have to say I started this dare on Tuesday January, 22 2013 because the night before my hubby and I had some struggles.  Some words were said in anger, hurt and in fear and we lashed out at each other.  This is NEVER my intention when a problem arises with him, but as most my emotions get the best of me and fear takes over and I lash out.  It really is something I am trying to work on because it is not pretty, it does not honor my hubby and it is not God like.  So in the morning when I came down to my desk to work my book was sitting there and I told myself... No better day than today.

I was able to achieve my goal.  I did not say anything negative to my hubby.  Several times today I thought of the pain and embarrassment I felt knowing some of the things going on around me.  But I refused to say anything or post anything negative.  I was determined not to allow my mind to run away with me and my emotions and take over.  I told myself I will love my hubby better than anyone can and I will show that love in every action I do towards him.

I made sure the house was in order when he got home and the kids were not being chaotic.  I greeted him when he came in the door with a smile and a kiss.  He shared something with me about his day that I made sure as I was listening I did not give any judgmental looks or ask any questions I just heard what he told me and supported him.  I made sure to show him my communication of love by touching him and stroking his hair and face.  This is nothing new that I do, but as I was doing it I realized I do not do it enough.  My love communication needs to come from more than just my words.... I have to show him the physical too outside of the bedroom.   This also shows him that I find him attractive and desire him.  

We ended up sneaking away for about two hours and went and had a drink together.  It was a chance I felt that I could use to connect with him again after a rough night and reinforce that this is where I want to be and hope he does too.  I felt like there was an elephant in the room but I said nothing negative and asked no pointed questions about that elephant.  I can only hope that he sees this action as me working on me and not working on him.  He is NOT my project, he is not for me to save or for me to lead.  This is for me and for me to change how I do things in my marriage.

I hope day one was the success I feel it was.  I am looking forward to reading my challenge today and seeing what is next.

~Mellie

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Life is good even when there is chaos all around you.

My hubby and I just got home from having dinner at a friend's house. We are currently laying in our bed, on our own sides of the bed but our feet are touching. I can't help but think how blessed we are.

Two days ago I heard a saying that I have heard a thousand times in my life but didn't really HEAR it till that night.

"Sometimes you have to go through Hell to get to Heaven."

AMEN!!!

Life is full of ups and downs and sometimes people have more than others.. I know I have had my share of them. But what I realized is no matter how bad things get and no matter how many times I MAY not THINK I'm going to make it through something the same thing always happens....

The sun rises, I get up and I live through it.

I wish I had not spent so many years of my life thinking this was the be all end all when things got tough. It's just like I tell my clients and what I do for my own workouts... I put my big girl panties on and do what I have to do to get through it.

I have learned its all about the approach, the mindset and what I ALLOW myself to focus on. Feelings are just that.. Feelings! They don't define you, they don't determine your life. Feelings are just the way you feel. Yes, some are harder and hurt more than others... But if we can focus on the good and not let our emotions run away from us I think we could all be just a little happier and healthier. I'm tired of riding the feeling roller coaster.. It goes up and down and up and down again. I want off that ride.

I want to define me.
I want to determine my day..
Not let my feelings do the work.

I'm laying in bed with my best friend... Our feet are touching.. We are bonded and in love. My family is provided for and healthy. Chaos is all around me....

Life is good.





Sunday, January 6, 2013

Happiness and Peace within YOURSELF

A friend contacted me last night about the frustrations she was feeling in her marriage.

Her take of the situation, according to what I gathered, was that she felt as if her needs in the marriage were going unmet and that her hubby didn't care about her.  His response to her in the past has been "if she is so unhappy than perhaps she should go and find someone else to make her happy."

How many times have married couples said this to each other..... more than there are numbers to count I would bet.

As her and I exchanged texts back and forth it became clear to me that the issue at hand, although big and very important, was really not the issue that was the core of the problem for these two.  Like myself my friend can get herself lost in her "feelings"  They can make the day bright as the sun or dark as the night and they can change on a whim.  I have spent many of years living in my feelings and getting lost along the way.

It has became clear to me that I can no live by my feelings alone.  They are a roller coaster of emotions that can take you for a ride that can destroy everything you are working for.  Generally when we act on our emotions we make poor choices in life and sometimes irreversible consequences occur.  It has been and continues to be a struggle for me to change this behavior and I was moved to share with her that she too has to change this about herself.

The first step to doing this in my marriage and what I suggested for my friend was to find her own happiness.  I find as I look more and more into my marriage and friends share more and more of their marriages with me it seems like we are always looking to our spouse to make us happy.  Whether it's approval from them, love from them, support from them or just plain acceptance we thrive so much for something that will make us happy..... but when did we stop making ourselves happy?

It is not my hubby's job to make me happy, it is mine and mine alone.  I had to learn that I have to find what really brings joy in my life and go out and seek it.  I had to determine what was important to me and go with it.  For me it was getting myself into shape.

Sure, I began working out at first to appease my hubby but as time went on it became about me being happy in my own skin and this was one of the steps.  When I feel like I have lacked on working out or my eating and see changes in my body that need to improve it is no longer for my hubby it is because this is what will make me more happy.

When I journal or blog it is not to show my hubby what a good girl I am and how I am trying to improve my marriage or who I am.. it is because writing makes me happy.

Just like I told my friend last night:
"You have to start taking care of yourself and stop waiting for your hubby to make you happy.  YOU have to find your happiness without him.  Doesn't mean you leave him, it just means you begin a search for yourself.. on your own.. in your space and then continue to pray and try and talk to him.  Your hubby is a good man, you love him.  Hold onto the good things about your hubby and your relationship when times are dark and you feel alone.  Pray for God to take your pain and deal with it the way only He knows how.  Sometimes when our spouse see that we are happy or getting happy it can create a new spark between the two of you that you can grow on and build.  The enemy binds your marriage and your hubby through problems big and small.  The enemy will be a constant reminder of your problems.  You must find peace in yourself and that happiness in yourself before you can make a happiness in your marriage."

Just like working out, no one is going to do the work for you and there is no quick and easy solution.  Marriage is hard and it can take many years to come together and feel as if it is right.  But how can any of us expect to be happy in our marriages if we are not happy in ourselves?  It is not being selfish finding YOUR happiness... it is doing an honor to yourself, your hubby, you kids and your marriage to be happy.  Being happy is a sure way to avoid falling into dark days of "feelings" that can run away with your mind and zap any happy feelings you have.

My example of my feelings today:  I posted a bible verse on my hubby's Facebook wall.  I searched a long time for some prayers and verses that I was going to use and told myself I would post a prayer once a day for him for 30 days to show my love, respect and admiration.  An hour later he deleted it off his wall.  When I asked him why he said "I don't like it when you post versus on my wall it makes me feel as if you are lecturing me."  Well, let me tell you my feelings ramped up and I got all upset.  I was hurt, I was mad, I was embarrassed and I was disappointed.  My feelings started sending me into a darkness I was all too familiar with but refused to go into.  

I had to say to myself... it was not your intention to make him feel like he was being lectured so you did nothing wrong.  But I also had to say to myself "I am not in control of the way he feels and if that's what came out of me posting a verse on his wall than that was not the goal of my post either"  so I had to let it go. 

By taking a few moments, okay maybe a 1/2 hour, I moved beyond those feelings and did not allow them to run away with me.  I was able to change my pattern of behavior and not let my feelings dictate me or the rest of my day.  Because after all the post was for HIM not to make me feel a certain way...... so, now I know.... no posts of bible versus on hubby's wall and my peace and happiness is still intact.

Have a blessed day

~Mellie