The Love Dare-Day Fourteen

 Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.  Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on.  Just be together.

Love takes delight- Enjoy like with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life.  One of the important things you should learn on your journey is not to follow your heart, but rather lead it. You don't let your feelings and emotions do the driving. In your marriage you will not always feel like loving your spouse. It's unrealistic for your heart to constantly thrill at the thought of spending every moment with your spouse.  Nobody can maintain that burning feeling. A newly married couple takes delight in the one they call their spouse.  Their love is young and fresh and have romantic hopes for their future.  However there is something just as powerful as that fresh feeling.  It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love them no matter how long you have been married.  In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love the feels like loving.  It's time to lead your heart to once again delight in your mate.  Enjoy your spouse.  Seek their companionship. Desire their conversation.  Welcome this person back into your heart fully.  Again, you get to choose to what you treasure.. treasure your marriage. For some this challenge of delight may only be a small step away.  For others, it may require a giant leap from ongoing disgust.  The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever.

What really struck me when I was reading my chapter was I know this feeling of not feeling the thrill of your spouse.  I know there have been times in my marriage where my hubby misses and seeks that thrill, the excrement of the new and the new possibility that may be out there.  I am sure we all have at one time or another in our marriages.  But I am always quick to recall that once that newness wears off you are right back to where you were with your last spouse or partner never really growing in yourself or your marriage but simply looking for that selfish all over good feeling.  As my hubby and I get older and grow deeper in ourselves and our marriage I think it's becoming clear that what he and I have is really good and a lot of people look all their lives for a love like ours.  Sometimes I think we forget to appreciate what we have because we are tempted by the outside world.

Typically every night my hubby and I have the same routine.  We spend time doing something we love (working out together) then we have dinner and family time and then we spend the rest of the evening alone together in our room.  So I was a little concerned on what I was going to do extra to spend quality time with him.  But sure enough God worked HIS work and rather than talking to my hubby about doing something different for our routine of the night my hubby just turned off the TV and we spent the evening in bed talking, laughing and bonding.  It was as if my hubby knew we needed to have that extra quiet time together and have a more focused time with each other.  I really felt like God worked through my hubby last night and we had a FANTASTIC evening.

My hubby posted a quote on my Facebook wall the other day I want to share:

“Love is the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with each other.”
― M. Scott Peck  

This is so true for him and I.  We have lived apart, we were separated trying to find our own lives and moving on looking or having that newness in other relationships, but we still choose to come back together as one.  This quote I feel goes right along with this chapter.  I choose to be with my hubby.  I choose to delight in who he is and how we are when we are together.  I choose to fight for him.  I choose to forgive and forget because I know this is the man for me.  I choose on days that I may not feel like hanging out with him to turn my thoughts around and be thankful that he is here with me again.  I choose to recall how I felt living apart from my hubby and I don't ever want to feel that again.

Life is about the choices we make in every areas of our life.  I choose God who loves me and is unmoving in his patience for me to commit fully to him, just as I choose to be this way in my marriage towards my hubby.  I choose us.

~Mellie 

**On a side note my hubby has started to do the challenge himself.  We have not really talked about it but he will make cute little jokes like, "It's day Two today, boy these challenges get harder and harder."  I can see his effort that he is putting into each day and I can see that he is taking this seriously and even in just a few short days I can see changes in my hubby.  He now prays over us before he leaves for work each day.  Never in my life would I have ever thought this to be a possible scenario for us. I actually always admired couples who pray together at the start and end of each of their days.  God is amazing and this just proves to me that we can never give up. We must continue to fight the good fight and for the good of our marriages.  No matter what comes against you, dig in deep and find that strength.  Ask God to lead you and help you and surrender yourself to him.  Miracles will happen.**

***I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

The Love Dare- Day Thirteen

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is mot ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Love fights fair-- If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.  Like it or not conflict in marriage is inevitable.  The forced closeness of a marriage begins to strip away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits.  Welcome to fallen humanity.  At the same time the storms of life are testing and revealing what you are both really made of. Word demands, health, families, financial situations all add pressure and heat to a relationship.  Every couple goes through it but not every couple survives it. Living this Dare is not going to drive out conflict it is meant to help you deal with conflict in such a way you both come out healthier... together. The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you may ever do will be during conflict.  That is when our pride is the thickest. Our anger is the hottest.  We are more selfish and judgmental.  Our words contain venom.  You can make the worst decisions during this time. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate and enjoy each other on a deeper level.  This happens by establishing boundaries. You need to have "We" boundaries.  Rules you both agree on beforehand that apply during a fight such as never mention divorce, not bringing up old unrelated issues, or fighting in front of the kids.  You also need "Me" boundaries such as I will listen before I speak, I will deal with my own issues up front or I will speak gently and keep my voice down. Fighting fair means changing your weapons.  Disagree with dignity and your results will be to build a bridge instead of burning one down.  Love is not a fight, but it is worth fighting for.

So this was my dare on Thursday of last week.  As I have stated in past blogs I do not do my Dares Friday through Sunday because my hubby is home with me.  This Dare was started to help my friends and help me become a better person and wife so I really enjoy doing them while he is away from the home because it allows me to reflect on the lesson and really dig deep inside myself on how I can change and learn from it.

I did not speak to my hubby in regards to this.  He is not in the same place as I am so I do not want to overwhelm him or add any pressure.  My hubby is very sensitive to feeling as if I am trying to preach to him.  I know this is a trigger point for him so I really work on not making him feel this way.  He is the leader of my family and it is up to him to lead me, not the other way around.  So I pray to God for hubby and Him to work on the leading of this family and try and leave it in the hands of God.

Fighting is something that my hubby and I do and do not do a lot of.  We do not have the typical fights most married couples have.  We do not yell and scream at each other, we do not fight in front of the kids.  We can both be totally at our limit with each other and you will still see us hugging and kissing or posting on each other’s walls on Facebook. 

However, when we do fight it is very emotional... because of me.  My hubby being the strong and determined kind of man that he is, well he is not a real fighter.  He just wants the issue to go away.  He will say what he has to, sometimes true or not, just to make it go away.  I on the other hand want him to understand how I "feel" and how the issue is "affecting" me.  Can you see where I am going with this.... ?  It is about feelings for me, which I know is wrong.  I get so emotionally charged, embarrassed, my pride is hurt, my feelings are hurt, I have found out a lie, or whatever the case may be this sends ME into an emotional rabbit hole that I try and drag him down as well.  Well he will have no part of it and will shut me down instantly.  He does not want to hear how I feel or be dragged down the pit of darkness I am trying to pull him into.  This of course frustrates me even more because I feel like I am not being heard.

My mother was a screamer.  She would yell at the top of her lungs at us kids and throw things and just carry on.  I would then rush around trying to fix everything and make peace in the house for everyone regardless if I was in the center of the distress or not.  I learned my behavior from her, and as much as I tried all my life not to be her I did and am her.

I do not scream.  I have learned over the years if I lower my voice when I am talking to my hubby I get further than normal.  He still will tell me "Don't yell at me or don't talk to me like that" but that is his reaction to being pushed up against a wall and I know he is trying to deflect.  It took me a few years to learn to control the volume of my voice when trying to discuss a problem with him.

But I am nowhere near where I want to be when learning how to fight correctly.  I do more harm most of the time than good and it takes us a few days to come together and see our own roles in the disagreement, but the good news is we always find our way back to each other.

Again, I did not talk to my hubby about this Dare but I am going to make US and Me rules that I am going to work on and hopefully by me changing how I react when problems arise it will change how he reacts as well.

"We" boundaries:

• We will never mention divorce.  
• We are in this together.  We have been separated, we were all but divorced in the State's mind and we choose to come back together because this is where we both want to be.  We will not use this fear tactic to gain our way or make our point even louder.  This is not an option.

• We will not speak ill willed about each other to others outside of our marriage.
• It is hard enough to be in a fight but when you drag in a 3rd party to hear your side of the problem all you do is create more drama and more ill willed feelings toward your spouse.  Our issues will remain in our household with each other under God.

• We will not bring up the past hurts and the past challenges that do not pertain to the situation at hand.
• Too many times you want to have a score card or you want to bring up the past hurts.  If it has nothing to do with what the issue at hand is then there is no need to bring it up.

• We will only be honest with each other no matter what.
• There is no reason to try and get ourselves out of a situation that we are facing by telling a lie or making the other person believe something that is not.  This is just building a house of cards that will fall on us one day.

"Me" boundaries:

• I will not challenge or confront my hubby while he is at work.
• This has been a terrible habit I have seen develop over the years.  I find something out that I am not happy with and I either pick up the phone and call him or I send him a text.  At the time I am trying to deal with the issue but in reality I am hiding behind technology and being a coward.

• I will learn to continue to control my words and my tone when speaking to my hubby in a disagreement.
• The level of my voice and the tone of it can make or break any argument; I must learn to control this if I am to have any kind of opportunity to get to the heat of the disagreement.

• I will learn to "stay within myself" when I first get upset.  Rather than lashing out I will try and get myself calm and even pray asking for God to help me.  My hopes will be to maintain control, no matter how hurt I am feeling, and not drag myself or my hubby down that hole.
• I will remind myself that my hubby is not against me.  He is not out to make me look like a fool, he is not out to hurt me, he is not out to embarrass me and he is not out to deceive me.  His actions are his actions but I KNOW he is not trying to hurt me.  I need to remember this because if I do not feel like I am on the attack I think I can handle my emotions better.
• I will remind myself that it is him and I in this world.... together.... we have to remain partners in every area of our lives.  
• I will remind myself that I cannot fix everything and some things I need to leave with God.

Okay, so like before I am trying to take the challenges and learn for ME to help us.  I think this is a great start and I am going to add these rules to my I phone so when the next argument comes up... I can recall what my rules are and go by them.  God give me your grace and your peace and help me be the wife I so want to be for my hubby.  One that shows him he too can be the man he wants to be and build our bridge together and stronger.

~Mellie
***I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Learning to stay within myself

My life, all the way back as far as I can recall, I have been a fixer. I have wanted to fix every crises, situation or uncomfortable situation that has come in my path.

I have wanted to help people in their struggles, in their decisions on whatever they need. I think that's why when some of my friends have turmoil they come to me.  Today I talked to one of those friends. I'll call her Tina. Tina sent me a text asking if she could call me. Anyone who knows me knows I hate to talk on the phone, so I knew her asking to call meant it was something big so of course I agreed.

Tina advised me she has been reading my blog and my daily challenges and trying to apply them in her marriage to Tom. (No, that's not his real name) She stated she hasn't been as diligent as I have but really is motivated by the posts and how I am on a mission to improve not only my marriage by myself. Then Tina began to cry.

Tina advised me that she had found out Tom had been having an affair.  Apparently they communicate by way of Facebook and private messages.  Tina found love letters, erotic stories between the two and pictures of body parts they were sharing with each other. Tina went on to tell me that Tom had told this woman that he was falling for her and he had never felt that way about anyone before and no one had ever made him feel so good.  Tina was beyond devastated.  I could hear the hurt in her voice, besides the tears, and I could feel her humility coming over my phone in my ear.  It occurred to me that Tina was on my phone because she needed someone to help save herself.

I have known Tina and Tom for a very long time.  She is a vibrant, outspoken woman who I have watched overcome some big obstacles in her life, including drug abuse.  Tina is the type of person who will speak her mind and can be considered a very strong individual. (Gee, I wonder why we are friends-smile)   All these years of knowing her and seeing her marriage with Tom grow I can say I was shocked to be a witness to such an emotional and intimate moment for them.

After hearing her cry and continue to say over and over again "I can't believe this is happening to me" I finally asked her "Do you love him?  I mean REALLY love him?  I am not asking if you don't want to lose him, no one wants to lose their spouse especially to another female, but do you really have that undying love for him that makes him EVERY part of your world?"  Without hesitation she said "Yes, I do."  So I responded with the only thing I knew "Then kick your ass in gear and fight for him, like you have never fought before.  He is your husband, he made a commitment to you, and she means nothing to him she is just new and exciting.  You NEED to wipe away those tears girl and fight for him."

Through the course of the conversation Tina wanted to focus on the details of the affair.  What Tom had said to this other person, what he had done.  How he was able to carry on with this person and still keep up the appearance of the husband she had at home, praising her, loving her all the things he had done all these years.  She could not grasp how he was able to carry on two lives and how she would ever be able to trust a life with him again should they stay together.   As I listened to her all I could hear in my own head was "faith in God" being repeated over and over again.  She had to put her faith in God and rebuild her marriage and trust with Tom one day at a time.

But the point of this blog is not for me to walk you through my talk with her, I don't even know if she heard anything I said. My point of this blog was that I learned something in this conversation about myself.  My own personal flaw that I have, one that gets me in trouble more times than I can count.

I have to learn to stay within myself.

I am a super charged emotional person.  My emotions can run high on just about everything.  I am passionate and get emotionally charged in all areas of my life.  When I work, I work like a horse and I take my job very personal.  My family, I would lie down and die for them and when something comes against my family I am very emotional about it.  I want to be the best at everything I do and when I fail at something or something does not work out the way I think it should... I become emotional in the wrong way about that too.

What can happen is I start reaching out for help.  I reach out to my circle of friends (very small circle) for guidance or to listen to me or to just help me get over my pain, much like my friend Tina did today.  But that never seems to get me anywhere but in a worse situation than I started in.  More times than most I end up getting that person upset as well because they don't like to see me in pain or they don't like to see me put myself back into the line of fire.  My hubby is one of these people.  He will tell me all the time... "Just don't engage with that situation anymore," but do I listen?  No.  I engage because I want to fix it.  I engage because I want to get the pain out so I can move on.  But if I would just stay within myself, trust in God that he will see me through than I know I would do a lot less damage in my life and the life of others.

My hubby can contest to this, how many times I have been emotionally charged at him and just lashed out only to feel awful when it was over.  Granted, some situations he provoked me. (Smile)  But the end result that I am looking for is not to push him away, yet that is what happens.  Then it takes a while for us both to come together again.  I know I am not the only one who does this.

I guess I share this with my blog because I want to put the thought out there....
Learn to stay within yourself.

Don't react to situations right away; get over the emotional charge you feel at first.  Pray for guidance, peace and the proper way to deal with things.  I think in the end we would all be a little better off and we would have a lot less hurt feelings in our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

I don't know what is going to happen to Tina and Tom, but I know I am going to pray that he will see that the hurt his wife is feeling is like no other and he can sit with her, listen to her and let her share that pain.  Then and only then can they begin to heal together and he can explain to her what drove that affair so they can rebuild should they choose to.  I hope they choose too, they are really good together.

~Mellie

The Love Dare- Day Twelve

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse.  Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Love lets the other win-  If you were asked to name three areas where you and your spouse disagree, you'd likely be able to do with without thinking very hard.  Sadly, unless someone in your marriage starts doing some giving in, these same issues are going to keep popping up between you and your spouse.  Though these issues may not crop up every day, they keep resurfacing and don't really go away.  You never seem to get any closer to a resolution or compromise and generally one spouse ends up resenting the other.  Jesus gives us an example of how to deal with each other in areas of conflict, it's learning the word "willing." Jesus wants us to follow the progression of His selfless love.  He had every right to refuse becoming man but yielded and did- because He was willing.  He had the right to be served by all mankind but came to serve us instead.  He had the right to live in peace and safety but willingly laid down His life for our sins. He was even willing to endure the grueling torture of the cross.  In light of this amazing testimony, the Bible applies to us a one-sentence summary statement:  "Have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus."  The very moment one spouse can say to the other, "I'm willing to go your way on this one," the argument will be over.  It may cost you pride and discomfort but you have made a loving and lasting investment in your marriage.  You may fear looking foolish or be at a lost of control, but you've already looked foolish by being bullheaded and refusing to listen.  You lose control by making the issue at hand more important that your marriage. Instead of treating your wife or husband like your enemy or someone to be guarded against, start be treating them as your closest, most honored friend.  Give their words full weight.

I tell you, that last statement:  "Instead of treating your wife or husband like your enemy or someone to be guarded against, start be treating them as your closest, most honored friend.  Give their words full weight."  Those are some powerful words.

There have been numerous times where I can look back and as much as my hubby and I proclaim we are best friends we sure have been at each other like worst enemies.  We put up our guard, we have not confided in each other, kept things from each other and at times have kept each other at an arms length for protection of ones self.  That sure doesn't sound like two people who are best friends.  I am just as guilty of this as he may be as well but until I read that statement I never really took into account what my actions may be causing in our marriage under the surface.

I took this challenge to heart because like the chapter describes issues are cropping up all the time and they never get fully resolved.  It is usually one of us shutting down and then sweeping the issue under the rug.  I know as a woman I want to talk the issue out.  Dissect it, determine what caused the issue, figure out how to resolve the issue and then find out how to prevent it from occurring again.  This is how I want to treat just about every problem that comes my way.  My hubby couldn't be more opposite of me.  He is the type where when an issue arises he just wants to fix it and move on never to speak of it again or think of it again.  (I think most men are like this and most women are like me) But sure as it is stated in this chapter... those issues if not resolved never stop coming up, they are like a thorn in your side that you just refuse to pull out.  Well, I pulled one out last night.

Reading the words " I'm willing to go your way on this one" was like reading  foreign language to me, not that I have never given in but the issues that are on our table are too big for me to even think about uttering these words... till I read my chapter.

So I set out on a mission.  I thought and I prayed and I asked God to lead me to the issue that I was to not only continue to turn over to God but to announce to my hubby I was going to give in on it and God answered my prayers.  Last night, during a time where my hubby and I were alone and relaxed I let him know that I was going to let go of this issue.  I asked him to help me let go by doing something that would assist me and then I told him that I was going to just trust in him and his intentions and I knew I was making the right choice.  I told him I did not want this to come between us anymore and I would just trust in his actions with it.  At first my hubby was trying to appease me as well and offered solutions and asked me to just wait and I would see the change.  I listened to him and I made sure to give his words weight but then I simply responded again with please, just do this and let me let go of it... I trust in you.  So he agreed and thanked me for trusting him.

That was BIG.  Big for me because I have to let go, big for me because it is such a sore subject in our marriage.  But it was or will be big for him too because it will show to him that I am willing to trust and I am willing to allow him to lead the family in this area and do what he thinks is best.  No more questions from me, no more accusations, no more checking to make sure things are falling into place just me letting him do his thing for the good of our family.  (Is it getting hot in here???)  KIDDING!!!!!!

I have said this before.... I started this challenge to help my friends and do it with them in hopes to help their marriages but I also set out to do it not for my hubby but for me.  I want to be a better person, I want to be a better wife.  I want to put my trust in God and have a faith that is so strong nothing will come against me.  I am happy I am doing this and I am happy that I am learning the areas of my life I need to work on while hopefully building a stronger marriage.  One person said to me that it seems like I am putting in all the work....... well, what is wrong with that?  God tells me what kind of wife to be..... I think I better listen to him versus what the world thinks I should do.  I tried that for 40 years.... look where it got me.

~Mellie
***I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Don't give up on me.

One day I was looking around iTunes and I found this song called, Don't give up on me.  It is by The Lost Trailers and on iTunes is the only place I can find the song.  I have searched high and low for it on YouTube with no luck.

I love the words to this song because they speak a truth about marriage.  One spouse is giving it their all and begging for the forgiveness and patience of the other spouse.  "Don't give up on me."  My favorite part of the song is when the singer says "You're the only one who can ever love the Devil out of me."

Just wanted to share this with anyone out there who is asking their significant other or spouse to please.... Don't give up on me.

THE PICTURES ON THE WALL

THEY DON’T SHOW IT ALL

THEY DON’T TELL THE WHOLE STORY

NOT THE UPS AND DOWNS

OR THE TURNAROUNDS

THAT IS YOU AND ME

THEY SHOW THE SMILING FACES

AND THE PRETTY PLACES

THAT WE’VE BEEN

NOT YOU’RE CRYING EYES

OR MY LYING EYES

THEY DON’T SHOW THE THING YOU SEE……

THERE’S A NEW MAN I WANT YOU TO SEE

JUST DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

YOU’VE  SEEN MY MANY STAGES

ALL THE CHANGES THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH

OH……. MY DAYTIME TROUBLES

MY NIGHTTIME STRUGGLES

EVERY WAR I HAVE FOUGHT'EN

YOU HAVE FOUGHT'EN TOO

THAT’S WHY I AM DOWN HERE ON MY KNEES

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

LIKE THE SUN WON’T GIVE UP ON THE LIGHT

SEAS WON’T GIVE UP ON THE TIDE

BABY, THAT’S JUST YOU AND I

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

BECAUSE IN MY DARKEST HOUR

YOU’RE THE ANGEL THAT I NEED

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EVER LOVE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME

SO DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

I KNOW YOU NEED A MAN THAT CAN BE STRONG

AND I’M THE ONE YOU CAN DEPEND ON… ALWAYS DEPEND ON

SO DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

LIKE THE SUN WON’T GIVE UP ON THE LIGHT

SEAS WON’T GIVE UP ON THE TIDE

BABY, THAT’S JUST YOU AND I

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

BECAUSE IN MY DARKEST HOUR

YOU’RE THE ANGEL THAT I NEED

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EVER LOVE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME

SO DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

THE PICTURES ON THE WALL

THEY DON’T SHOW IT ALL

THEY DON’T TELL THE WHOLE STORY