Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Nine

Think of a special way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smith and with enthusiasm.  Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

Love makes good impressions- You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another.  The bible speaks a lot about greeting others.  The apostle Paul took time to encourage his readers to greet one another warmly when they met.  It's probably something you don't think about often but how do you greet your spouse first thing in the morning, what is the look on your face when one returns from being gone to work or out?  What energy is in your voice when you speak to your spouse on the phone?  You probably never considered it-the difference it would make in your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them.  It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic all the time.  But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in a subtle, unspoken way.

This was a really good chapter for me because what seems like such a little gesture can often make such a huge impact on a person we take for granted ~ the cause and affect we have on others sometimes escapes me.

There have been days where my "salutations" to my hubby have been less than desirable in his eyes, what seems like a perfectly fine hello to ME might be a brush off to him.  I had a manager once tell me  "someone's perception of me was 100% the truth to them and it was up to me to determine what perception they would have."  This rings true in my marriage too.

I might be tired, rushing around getting ready for the gym, have had five different kids bombard me with questions, needs or wants when my hubby is walking through the door home from his day.  I might shoot him a hello, smile and continue on with the path I am on or I may stop and hug him and kiss him hello and then continue on with my task.  Regardless neither of these ways shows him how truly happy I am he is home.

I have said it a thousand and one times, marriage is hard.  My hubby and I have been through the ringer and back with each other but none of that matters to me the moment he walks out the door and leaves for the day.  As soon as I hear the garage door closing in the morning and I hear his little car speed down the road of our neighborhood something changes in me.  Sometimes I will have a quick morbid thought, "what if this is the last time I see him?"  most times I just think "okay now it's time to get on with your day" but no matter what I am saying in my head in my heart I feel empty.

This emptiness does not have to do with insecurities or fears, it's simply when we are not together I do not feel complete.  I feel lost, not whole and sometimes alone.  Does this mean we have to be with each other every waking moment of everyday?  No, but it does mean that when we are not together I do not feel 100% of myself.  Some may say is this cosmic bond we have with each other, I simply say I love my husband and miss him when he is not with me.  This to me is love, a love I have never had nor will ever have again.

That all being said, this chapter was a GREAT reminder that when he does come home I do need to greet him better.  I do need to show him how much I missed him and exactly how happy I am that he is home.  This doesn't mean I need to smoother him when he gets home or become his shadow it simply means I should clear my mind, my thoughts and spend a few moments letting him know....

I am happy you are home and greet him with a kiss of love.

~Melllie

 ****

Taking people for granted--should be the 8th deadly sin, as far as I am concerned. Someday, hopefully not soon, my last hello or goodbye will be just that..my last. Sooner or later, sometimes unexpectedly, we are all going to die.

This chapter was a reminder, to me--the bigger picture if you will-- that I need to not take my wife for granted. To me, this is symbolized by the importance of a proper greeting-....taking the time to demonstrate to the love of your life that they are just that...while you still can.

Some times, especially when it comes to "self-improvement", I feel like we constantly work toward the future. I want to be become this...I am working toward....I will be a better...etc. etc. But you know what, that next day or year may not come. So, while I am all for working for a better tomorrow, as they say, I am cautious not to do it at the expense...the risk of forgetting...about today. For right now, this moment, is the only thing in life that is guaranteed to us.

I love my wife. I miss her when she is gone. I am always sooo happy to see her. I will take the time to make sure she feels the way I feel inside.

Joseph

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Eight

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Love is not jealous-  Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man.  It comes from the root word for zeal and means "to burn with an intense fire"  The scriptures pointedly says, "Wrath is a fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?"  (Proverbs 27:4)
There are two forms of jealousy: legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy.  Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love turns their heart away from and replaces you with someone else in the mind, body or both.  Illegitimate is in the opposition to love-one rooted in selfishness. This is jealousy of someone or of someone being more popular and can lead to feeling of hatred towards that person.  When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader and the captain of his or her fan club. Both of you became one and were to share the enjoyment of the other.  Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in.  It is time to let love, humility and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart.  It is time to let your mate's success draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

I didn't burn my list but I did "dispose" of it.  I do not have a hard time with disposing of a list of "negative things" about my hubby.  These are not the things I focus on from day to day when I think of him.  Each day my intention is to try and make his life a little easier and try and find a way for us to get closer.  Some days I achieve this goal and some days I fail miserably at it.

We all have faults, we all have things we want to change about ourselves.   Just because I am a child of God does not mean that I am perfect nor do I expect my hubby to be perfect.  We are born of free will and with that comes learning and mistakes along the way.  I admit when I first got married I thought I could "change" my hubby and it was a long time till I realized the only thing I have control over and have the ability to change is myself.  I no longer spend my time wishing he would change.  If there is something I wish he would not do anymore, I ask him not to do it.  If that does not work then I try and turn it over to God and let it be between Him and my hubby.  Really, there is nothing more I can do to help change things, he will have to want to change or it will never happen.

This chapter asked me how hard it was to burn the list, it really wasn't hard for me at all.  I love my hubby, I KNOW he is the man for me and I KNOW he can be all that he wants to be in this marriage and in his life.  I KNOW these negative attributes are not the only things that make him up and I know that he tries to overcome them.  My hubby is a good man, he has a big heart and he loves his wife and family.  He just has his own things he needs to work on and realize they do not define him and he does not have to let them rule his life or his choices.  This list was easy to dispose of, because I know this is not the man my hubby is meant to be, this is not the man God meant for him to be.  He will overcome, I will overcome my negative attributes so we can live the life we were meant to live...... together.

I am my hubby's biggest fan, I always have been and I always will.  I made sure to do what the chapter told me and go out of my way to share with my hubby something I was proud about in his accomplishments.  I never find it hard to praise my hubby because I know he is a good man and he works hard.  It easy to be number two of his fan club and it always will be.  (Number one of course is himself-smile)
~Mellie

********

I am a gem. I say this often (along with "I'm golden", "I'm awesome" and other related affirmations). Why? Well, in part because I am proud of myself--the day-to-day work I put in to benefit my family and those that count on me. I know I am both respected and liked (by most) of my employees. Today, out of the blue, an employee extended his hand to me and said he wanted to thank me for making him better at his job. He had a great month, and thought to thank me for working with him. This reminds me of why I do what I do.

But, I have faults. I have fears. I have insecurities. And, when I am not careful, they can bleed over into my family life. It is important that I continue to establish boundaries between my professional life, and family life. As I often tell my wife, I can't fire my kids so I need to continue to work with and develop them....but if I could....I kid the children.

My wife is incredible. Anyone that knows Michelle  knows that she is honest, passionate, devoted to her God and family; she works and plays hard. She is the most amazing woman I have ever known. I married her because I knew she was "the one." I remain married to her because I am in love with her more than the day I married her, and she is my constant motivation to be a better man...continue to make better choices.

My wife said something to me a few weeks ago, and she may have had one too many turkey burgers, but it was something to the effect of: People often think that I make you a better person; really, you make me a better woman, a better Michelle.

It's hard to explain how much these words mean to me, because as she said it to me, I can say the same thing to her. I think this is rare.

We have our disagreements. We have our issues. Most, we work through. Some, we continue to work through. We don't always agree on how we raise our kids, or decisions that each other makes. But, I know we respect each other. And, overall, vastly overall--we have common values that guide us. Most of all- we have love. Even in our darkest moment, or in the emotion of a....conversation...I respect her, I believe in her, and want to be with her. There is no where else I would rather be and no one else I would rather be with, than my wife.

Yes, we all have faults. But I truly had a difficult time creating a list of "negatives" because to me, she is who she is, and I love her for it. Her negatives, to me, are who she is. And, I love her...all of her, even the things I wish (and will continue to try!) I could change. 

For this reason, I sing her praises.


 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Seven

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of today, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

"Love believes all things, hopes all things."  -1 Corinthians 13:7

In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. You probably spent a great deal of time in this room prior to your marriage but have found as the years have gone by you do not visits this room quite like you did before. Down another dark corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well. This room is where you go when encounter hurtful words, bad habits and poor decisions from your spouse. If you spend too much time in this room you get depressed and even may start to think you married the wrong person. Spending time in this room kills marriages.

Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists. But love chooses not to live there. Love chooses to believe the best of people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward. It's time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus.

Today's dare was not really challenging but a great lesson and reminder that as a wife I need to get out of the Depreciation Room more often. I am the type of person I have the ability to love and move on when something comes against me. However lately I have been struggling with this ability.

Sometimes I feel as a wife I am not heard. Not that my hubby doesn't listen to me but when we have an issue that is hard on me he wants to quickly move on and forget about it. Yet I have the need to share what impact the issue had on me as a person and our marriage. When I am not given this opportunity it can create a world of resentment and build up inside me that eats at me.

"Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists."

This is something I need to focus more on and keep telling myself. Yes, I think it is important that we listen and hear each other during times of frustration but I also need to step back and remind myself feelings do not control me.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not selfish.
Love is thoughtful.
Love is not rude.
Love is not irritable.
Love believes the best.

All the lessons of the past chapters remind me that Love leads to inner joy and when I prioritize my needs with the well being of my hubby than there is no room to sit it the Depreciation Room complaining about what I did not get.

Today, I am going to sit in the Appreciation Room and remind myself of all the good things my hubby does for me emotionally. If my mind starts to wonder on negative thoughts I am going to force myself to go back to the Appreciation Room and focus on the good in life. I have a great hubby. We know each other like the back of our hands. He knows me like no other has ever known me and I love him for that. He is a good man who struggles with his own demons but wants to do what is right for our marriage. Today I will focus on the good and not waste time on the bad. This will allow me to truly lead my heart to be more open and love my spouse even more and it's a decision only I can make.

~Mellie

*****

This was a difficult exercise for me to complete, namely because it is difficult for me to think about things that are truly "negative" about my wife. She is a Godly woman, and while she is no Saint, I don't consider what some may call negative attributes, to be negative. Rather, it is who she is (and I love her for it).

 My wife is selfless. She gives so much of herself to others. Sometimes, perhaps, too much. I think my biggest fear is that time is passing quickly. Some day, the kids won't be kids anymore. I want to make sure we as parents invest as much time and energy in them as possible, even if that means others get less time and energy.

That being said, the kids are loved and well-taken care of in every way. People often admire and comment at how loving and well-behaved they are. They are quick to smile and clearly enjoy life. This is not by accident. It is because they come from a family that is loving, open, but also very disciplined. We don't debate with our children. We tell them what we expect, why, and they know it had better get done. We are their parents above all else.

Michelle is a huge part of this. She sets the tone in the house. She runs the day-to-day affairs of the home, and ensures all is in place. I can get frustrated when I feel something that should have been done was not done. But all-in-all, she is on top of it and I love her for it.

I love my wife very much, and think of each day as another opportunity to develop as an individual and as man and wife.

~Joseph




Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Six

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritations.  Begin making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.
 
He who is slow to anger is better than the might, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.  -Proverbs 16:32
Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive.  People who are irritable are locked, loaded and ready to overreact. When under pressure love doesn't turn sour.  Minor problems don't yield major reactions.  The truth is, love does not get angry or hurt unless there is a legitimate and just reason in the sight of God.  A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and respect.  A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self control. She chooses to be a flower among the thorns and response pleasantly during a prickly situation.  A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and restraining his temper.  Rage and violence are out of the question.  If you are walking under the influence of love, you will be a joy, not a jerk.  Ask yourself, "Am I a calming breeze, or a storm waiting to happen?"  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself.  The increasing pressure of life can wear away at our patience and our relationships.  The Bible teaches you to let love guide your relationship so you aren't caught up in unnecessary arguments.  It also exhorts you to take a "Sabbath" vacation day every week for worship and rest.  This strategically allows you time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule.  When you are irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart.  Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present where love is suppose to rule.  But selfishness also wears many other mask:  Lust, for example, is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to covet or burn with passion for something that is forbidden.   When your heart is lustful, it will become easily frustrated and angered. These strong cravings coupled with dissatisfaction lead you to lash out at anyone who stands in your way.  Pride leads you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation.  These motivators can never be satisfied.  But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself.  Love will lead you to forgive. Love reminds you to prioritize your family rather than sacrifice them for a promotion at work. In each decision, love ultimately lowers your stress and helps you release the venom that can build up inside.

Looking back to when I first did this challenge on my own I can see that I am in an even better place now then I was just a few weeks ago.  "Pride lead you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation." This is one of the biggest things I struggle within myself. Pride for me shows it's ugly head in the way I "think" I am being represented.  It's funny, I know not everyone is going to like me and I do no set out for everyone to like me BUT I do struggle with the way my reputation appears to others.  For instance, I have told my boys since they were little "make sure you represent the family in a good and positive manner."  The same holds true for my marriage.  If I think my hubby's actions are not representing me in the public eye in a positive manner it really hurts me and bruises my pride, thus causing me to react in a way that would not please God.  It is this pride that can cause problems in my marriage and go against everything I am working towards.  When I have thoughts of my pride being hurt in the past or I have fears that my reputation is not being honored I have turned to prayer and asked God to take this Pride from me and deal with it the way HE chooses. 

I have learned over the years, slowly but surly, that when my hubby is in one of his moods it's best not to engage with him.  I may not know what kind of day he has had or what stresses he is dealing with so when he finds himself angry and lashes out at me it is my practice, as of late, to not engage with him.  I will remove myself from the situation and allow him to have some time alone and peace.  I feel like if I demonstrate this kind of behavior to him then he will see I am not on the defense and ready to attack and he will feel more comfortable coming to me and discussing what issues he may be having.

My goal in my marriage is and always has been to have an open loving relationship where we can talk to each other about anything.  We have had a long road of challenges and hurt between the two of us.  I really feel if I continue on the path I am and allow God to take away my fears, stress and pride this will give me the loving heart that will allow me to be a better wife for my hubby.  I love my hubby and I love my marriage and my only goal is to be the best I can be in this marriage that leaves us both feeling loved, honored, appreciated and fulfilled.  I pray for this daily.

~Mellie


****

Pride and ego are a dangerous thing, especially because we all have them. I compare it to someone that has a poor relationship with abusing food--it is difficult to overcome because food is always present.

Today has been a difficult day in many different areas. A day of frustration, anger, hurt. Feelings we all experience from time-to-time. I am determined to stay positive and continue to do the things that I believe are right. When I make a mistake, I will acknowledge that mistake and keep moving forward.

I often times, perhaps in moments of senseless self-pity, do not believe that people truly understand what all I do and give of myself to make things work, personally and professionally. I do not communicate these types of issues well. Rather, I tend to withdraw. In fact, there is no 'tend" about it- I withdraw. A few months ago, I seriously considered an offer that would have moved my family to a different state. I was upset. Felt unappreciated. In other words, my pride and ego were affected and in the moment, I was within minutes of making a life-changing decision.

I don't know right now ultimately what the best and final decisions are going to be in my life, and for my family and those around me. At times I feel extremely exhausted and beyond my limits in many different areas.

But I do know that I continue to work hard each day to become a better form of me, to honor my wife and family and those that count on me. Sometimes, I am misunderstood. But, that's life. I just have to keep taking one day at a time.

Someone told me something today that I think carries a lot of truth to it: If you are being you, your authentic self, and are doing the right things--you have nothing to explain. If you have to explain yourself, that should probably tell you something.

I think this is a good litmus test for all of us, and is a principal that I can apply to my life daily.

~Joseph

 

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Five

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only.

Love is not rude.  When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that's more pleasant for his wife to be around.  If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort.  The bottom line is genuine love minds it's manners.  Good manners expresses to your spouse "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you.  I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with."  There are two main reasons why people are rude: ignorance and selfishness.  Neither, of course, is a good thing.  You know the rules as an adult but you can be blind to how your break them or be too self-centered to care.  In fact, you may not realize how unpleasant you can be to live with.  If you're thinking that your spouse-not you-is the one who needs to work in this area, you're likely suffering from a bad case of ignorance, with a secondary condition of selfishness. Will you be thoughtful and loving enough to discover and avoid the behavior that causes life to be unpleasant for your spouse?  

Test yourself with these questions (YOU, not your spouse)
  •  How does your spouse feel about the way you speak and act around them?
  • How does your behavior affect your spouse's sense of worth and self-esteem?
  • Would your spouse say you're a blessing or that you're condescending and embarrassing? 
Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:
  • Guard the Golden Rule.  Treat your spouse the same way you want to be treated. (see Luke 6:31)
  • No double standards.  Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
  • Honor requests.  Consider what your spouse already asked you to do or not to do. If in doubt, then ask.
It is funny, this chapter is a hard one for my hubby and I to deal with.  Neither of us have sent our list to each other of the three things that make us uncomfortable or irritated.  As I was doing my hair I was trying to understand why he would not be willing to just send me the list.  Then something came to me.

We have been married for ten years.  We have seen each other through some tough times personally and together.  We have had a few sleepless nights, we have had many tears shared and even more laughs.  We are so tangled up in each other even when we once separated we were still together.

I don't need a list from my hubby pointing out my flaws, I know what I have to do in my marriage and he knows what he has to do.  We really do not need to send each other a list at this time to know if we are honoring each other or if we are fulfilling the others sense of worth.  We know each other.  We know how we tick.  We know how to love each other.  We know how to hurt each other.  We just need to make the choice in our own minds to move forward and start practicing more kindness towards each other.  By being able to be positive and focus on the positive rather than the negative I think this honors our marriage and each other better than sending each other a list of flaws.

I am going to honor the Golden Rule, I am not going to point out his flaws-he knows what they are and he does not need me to remind him.  I will not have double standards with him.  I will go out of my way to treat him better than I treat others and continue to show the honor I have with him by not doing the things that would dishonor him.  I will honor his requests and continue to remind myself of the things that I need to work on in my marriage so that he feels secure, honored and respected.

`Mellie

****

Every hour on the hour, I checked my text messages. Then my e-mail. Then, God forbid, by Facebook wall. Nothing. Nothing to improve on. No flaws. No wish list. No things that irritate her.

I knew I was perfect. All I needed was her validation.  I waited 10 years, and today...finally...I got it.

Then I read her blog.

Apparently I am NOT quite perfect, but there is no point in pointing out my imperfections, as it is obvious to her and me, so I read.

Seems brazen of my wife to suggest such witchcraft. Is this one of those reverse psychology things? I googled it....apparently it is not.

But, as usual, she is right. I have known her for a long time. She has known me for a long time. I know what sets her off. She knows what bothers me. Why point it out? We are both working on it.

The funny thing is, I  KNEW this was what she was going to suggest--that we not partake in this exercise, and rather just recommit to continuing to improve. Sometimes, you have to break the rules. While I have tried to convince my wife that this applies to marriage (breaking a few rules), in this instance I think I am finally right...today's rules needed to be broken.

I will say this: I was perfect, if only for a few hours.

~Joseph