Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Whispers... Day 2

I am in a personal growth challenge with some friends of mine.  Here is the back story to that challenge and how it came to be.  The blog that follows my "Ah-ha" moment of the day.  I hope anyone reading this can not only follow along with my thoughts but also find in themselves if they are struggling in this area too.  Thanks for the read!
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A few days ago my girlfriend shared how she was going to make an effort for the next 21 days to limit her negative self talk.  It became clear to me that not only did I need to support her in this decision I needed to participate and share with others too.  So I sent out a group text to several of my friends and family inviting them to join us as well.

The text read:

We are gong to take the next 21 days and limit our negative self talk, the ones in our head and the ones that come out of our mouths.  I am also going to be writing something each day in my journal/blog.  No matter how short or how long I want it to be.  I would encourage you to do the same with me!


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"The first step in any type of self inquiry is recognition. We have to recognize that there are parts of us that need improvement. Despite the desire of many of of us to improve our lives, there is often resistance to the whole process. It's not easy to recognize our faults or weaknesses. Many people go through the greater part of their lives unaware that they may be doing things that are hurting themselves and others. Recognition of personal strengths or weakness is a giant step in the right direction. There is tremendous liberation in the simple realization of why things are the way they are. And some fortunate instances, recognition alone is enough to break through whatever blocks we may have. More often, though, recognition is the critical first step towards transformation. Also, our recognition doesn't have to be Limited to faults. It can be in earnest desire for overall improvement. It can be the recognition of a virtue or strength that we were not fully aware of." -Change your aura Change your life. 

What will be your recognition today? With improvements negative thinking does NOT have to follow. Recognizing our areas of improvement do not have to be deemed negative. We are able, if willing, to find our faults and rather than boast in the negativity of it all we can chose to shine in the understanding and awareness!






I found myself getting caught up in my whispers today. Not whispers of my own but whispers of others rattling in my mind. Threatening the core of my well being at every turn. It dragged me to a place of sadness, doubt and self pity. It made me asks myself questions of why others do things that in the end hurt me? Why do I allow certain toxic people in my life only to get burned by them or called out by them because they think I should live my life a certain way? Why do I allow the spew of someone who is jealous of me affect me in what they think of me? Why do I doubt my own value?

Then it occurred to me....

Real friendships and relationships allow a person be what he or she really is. Most people will love you for who you pretend to be. We sometimes think to keep or find their love, we have to keep pretending. 

We get locked in that image, and it's hard for people to see us any other way. We even get so used to that image we are portraying we grow attached to our own masks. 

We can be lost without out our chains and can forget all about who we really are.

But as I have learned to break free from my mask and chains I have not mastered breaking free from the chains others hold me to. They want me to stay the same so they can feel needed. So they can feel more power or so they can feel like they are better than me to make themselves feel better.

The only power they have is the power I allow them to. 

So I hushed my whispers by reminding myself that I am good enough
I am valuable 
I am enough 
I am worthy of good things and good people 
And those who try and hold me back or try and take what is mine have to be let go in all ways.

My life is about giving, helping and caring for others. But I have to love and care for myself above all.

- Ramblings of a hungry girl! 😃

Defining moments....Day 3

I am in a personal growth challenge with some friends of mine.  Here is the back story to that challenge and how it came to be.  The blog that follows my "Ah-ha" moment of the day.  I hope anyone reading this can not only follow along with my thoughts but also find in themselves if they are struggling in this area too.  Thanks for the read!
**********************************************************

A few days ago my girlfriend shared how she was going to make an effort for the next 21 days to limit her negative self talk.  It became clear to me that not only did I need to support her in this decision I needed to participate and share with others too.  So I sent out a group text to several of my friends and family inviting them to join us as well.

The text read:

We are gong to take the next 21 days and limit our negative self talk, the ones in our head and the ones that come out of our mouths.  I am also going to be writing something each day in my journal/blog.  No matter how short or how long I want it to be.  I would encourage you to do the same with me!


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I want to share something I've never shared with anybody my entire life not even my closest friend knows this about me. It's something I carried around inside with me for many years and never really thought affected me until I decided to change my lifestyle.

Many years ago when I was going through my divorce my ex-husband, in the heat of the fit, told me that I wasn't attractive anymore. He told me the weight that I carried around from the birth of the two babies I had at that point in my life would forever be with me. I would forever be a frumpy girl and no one could possibly love me, I was a fool to be leaving him. Of course I knew that in my heart it would not be true but somehow I took those words to heart, internalized them and I allowed them to subconsciously define me for many years to come.

Every time I attempted to lose weight or get healthy I would recall those words that were etched into my memory and my subconscious. I would begin to believe them all over again. I believed that I would never be healthy, I would never be thin, I would never look like I had always dreamed to look like. That was until I decided I would no longer allow anyone else to define me.

The process did not happen overnight. It took days, weeks, months, and yes, even years to not only let go of those words whispering in my brain, that I had carried around with me far too long, but to allow myself to be successful in this area. Sometimes it was almost easier to fall back on those words than it was to go through the entire process of training due to the dedication it took not only to become healthy, but to actually call myself a winner and to be the fit person I dreamed of being.

Fast forward A few years and that time and struggle seems like a lifetime ago to me. Of course the the early morning cardio sessions, the late-night workouts, the two a days, are all still fresh in my mind and seem like it was just yesterday I was fighting the battle of fat but the words that I allowed to defined me are a faint memory in my mind and no longer control me.

As I sit here today thinking to myself about my own journey and the 21 day challenge of limiting our negative self talk. THIS memory flooded my mind just moments ago to remind me that even though I'm stronger and a better person than I was then. I still allow people to define me I just wasn't accepting it or facing it.

Over the years I have heard certain things about myself from others that I see for the first time today I have allowed to define me. I'm sure if we all took a look at ourselves we would see that we all do in some ways. So much of what you accept is what others will define you as. If you are told look like someone famous, maybe an actress, you might not change your hair because she supposed to be seen as a beautiful person. That's allowing yourself to be defined. If you're told you're cute and have an attractive body, your clothes might get smaller and you might show more. That's allowing yourself to be defined. 

Same with the negative defining. If you're told you play a victim role in your past relationship you probably stomp your feet and disagree but if you really look at yourself are you acting like the victim? Maybe if you're walking around with a sad look on your face or telling anyone who will listen to your side of the story as if to defend yourself then yes, you're playing the victim. You have just let that person define you. 

Since starting this challenge it has made me so aware of the thoughts that roll around in my head. I subconsciously allow people to define me and I believe them and process that negativity in my head and then berate myself. It's not something that I was aware of until today and I certainly don't sit here and beat myself up but when faced with certain situations I react in a private self mutilation of my self esteem. 

Of course there is no quick fix to the solution but what I appreciate about this challenge is that it's brought this to the forefront of my mind. I know that certain things that I do during my normal day, maybe not every day, is affected by what others have said about me in the past and I allowed it to define me in the present. This also leads to living my life in a certain amount of fear... Which is a whole other issue! 😃

I love this quote from Oprah:

"You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script."

What an amazing message! 

-Mellie










Tuesday, April 7, 2015

I am.....Day 1


If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

I am....self-accepting


It's amazing to me how things happen and line up exactly the way they are suppose to for us.  Yesterday was a normal day for me, I was focused on working and getting the kids ready for this next week of school and just taking care of things in my household.  The evening started to become difficult.  My mind began racing and my insecurities began to take over my thoughts.  Then one of my dear friends was struggling with a man in her life who basically just tossed her to the side.  Another friend of mine was sharing her recent struggles in her marriage.  It seemed like the night was going to bring me to a place of drama and stress.

However, when talking to the friend who was sharing her marriage issues, she shared how she was going to make an effort for the next 21 days to limit her negative self talk.  It became clear to me that not only did I need to support her in this decision I needed to participate and share with others too.  So I sent out a group text to several of my friends and family inviting them to join us as well.

The text read:

We are gong to take the next 21 days and limit our negative self talk, the ones in our head and the ones that come out of our mouths.  I am also going to be writing something each day in my journal/blog.  No matter how short or how long I want it to be.  I would encourage you to do the same with me!

This this morning, as I said I would, I decided to reach into my I am..... bag and pull out a card to use to blog with.  The one that appears in this blog is the one that I choose.  Amazing how things are lined up for us, are signs from God and can have an impact on our daily lives.

YES!  I am self-accepting.  I accept myself today exactly as I am.  I accept the challenges that can come to me daily and know that if I take them head on, doing the very best I can than that's good enough for me.  I accept that having goals and wanting to change things about my body, my mind, my soul or my lifestyle does not make me weak.  It only shows my strength in my ability to always want to be a better form of myself.  I accept that where I fall short in my life are areas for improvement not for self loathing.  I accept that not all people are going to like me, like my message or like the way I do things and that is okay!  The only one I HAVE to answer to is God and he knows the secrets, struggles and strengths I have in my core and loves me the way I am.

I am self-accepting and today you should be too!

~Make it a great day!




Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Ash Wednesday......

Lent Wednesday
18 February 2015
Ash Wednesday
Psalm 38 Daniel 9.3–6, 17–19 1 Timothy 6.6–19 Daniel 9.3–6,17–19 ‘For your own sake, O my God’ (v.19)
Daniel’s cry is one of real desperation. As if not only he, but the whole city of God, is sinking in quicksand. Floundering is of no avail; no good to clutch at the straws of human righteousness and self-justification. The imperatives tumble over each other. Listen! Let your face shine upon us! Incline your ear! Open your eyes! Forgive! Do not delay! This is an urgent, wholehearted appeal to the mercy of God to save the city and people who bear God’s name.
Anyone who suffers stress, or anxiety, or panic attacks knows the reality of this – how you feel like the foundations of life are no longer there. The more you try to find a secure foothold, the more shaky your hold on your life becomes. When the foundations are undermined, there seems nowhere to turn to escape. The more you struggle, the deeper you go.
It is Ash Wednesday today – a day on which to take seriously the reality of our utter dependence upon God. A day on which to remember how lost we are when we rely upon our own merit and virtue – how quickly things turn to dust and ashes in our hands without the grace of God sustaining and leading us. Let us pray today for a deepened sense of God’s grace throughout the days of Lent ahead, so we come to know more clearly and dearly, and nearly, that sustaining love. Without it, we are already the dust to which we shall return. But not yet, for God’s sake.
COLLECT 
Almighty and everlasting God, you hate nothing that you have made and forgive the sins of all those who are penitent: create and make in us new and contrite hearts that we, worthily lamenting our sins and acknowledging our wretchedness, may receive from you, the God of all mercy, perfect remission and forgiveness; through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord, who is alive and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. 
~Frances Ward
 This is not my first Lent season in my life.   I have been a "Catholic" now for almost 11 years and have been around the Catholic faith for over 15 years.  But each Lent season comes a better understanding of my faith and of the season itself. 

During mass this morning the Father of my church explained Lent a little different than I had heard in past years.  He explained to us that this was a time of change.  A time to change something about our lives that not only bettered us but also helped us be a steward for our faith.  He went on to say by the end of the 40 days it's OUR goal to be a new improved person with new habits in our lives.

"At the end of the 40 days it is our goal to be a new improved person with new habits in our lives."

This one statement really reached out and grabbed me and took a hold of me.  This was my time to change things about myself and about my life so at the end of the 40 days I could look back and know that I bettered myself, my family and possibly anyone around me who needs help too.

As the scriptures say above... "Daniel's cry is one of real desperation." 

I AM in a position myself of real desperation.  I go through my days by doing the motions of my life.  I do the same thing everyday and I walk around with a smile on my face but my soul is in torment.  My heart is broken and my mind is a scattered mess.  I can sometimes feel myself spinning out of control because of things I have NO control over.   How messed up is that?

This is  day to remind us how lost we are are and how we NEED to rely upon God and His plan for us.  This is a day that I HAVE to finally let go of the things in my soul and heart and move past them and move towards God.  This is a day to stop praying for something to happen and just pray that God will take over.  This is the day to let go, wipe the slate clean and rather than chase something or someone, I need to chase God.

As a person who likes to try and control her surroundings as a defense mechanism, I am the first person who should be letting go of that control and just learning to trust in God.  People are going to lie to me, people are going to hurt me, people are going to think they are getting the better of me.... all of that will happen and continue to happen for the rest of my days on this Earth..... so why fight it?  Why not just learn to stop thinking about it, let it go and give it to God?  It seems so simple, yet it's the hardest thing I have to do for myself.

I am in a position of real desperation and there is NO one that is going to be able to save me. It is a time to look to Him and stop looking to others or to myself for fix me.

As I wear my ashes on my head today and I silently go through my day working, going to the gym and being with my family my words and thoughts will focus on finally letting go.

This season WILL be a time of change for me.

~Mellie




  

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

I am.......





If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

I am....willing


This can mean so many things and can say so much about my life, I am not sure in what direction I am to go with this card.  If I allow the negative in I think to myself someone would think I am not willing.  That person would say I am not willing to accommodate them or do what they ask or be the person they think I should be.  But I quickly dismiss this from my mind and remind myself that this is not about negative.  This is about being positive and I am.....willing.

My friend and I have been discussing the past few days how to change our lives.  We discuss how she feels when she meets someone new and what her expectations are.  If those expectations are not met right away then she is quick to move on.  Her saying is "BBG" (BITCH be GONE!)

However, it's my thought that if she changes her expectations and she changes the way she allows a person to treat her then this will change the actions that take place.  We were talking last night and I told her she had to do things differently if she expected a different outcome. 

This rings true for me and for everyone.  We all want some change in our lives and we all have this idea of what certain areas of our lives should look like but do we do what is needed to get there?  Are we willing to take new steps to get there or stay stuck in the pattern we have always been in?

For me this card means this... I am .... willing

I am willing to start making the small necessary changes in the areas of my life, my heart and my head, to get me to where I want and think I should be.  I can no longer let myself be sucked into circles of drama.  I can no longer allow what a person says to me cut my deep.  I can no longer put myself out there like I always do to try and save people.  I have to be willing to take new steps to achieve new goals.   This does not mean I cannot still help people, but it does means I don't have to be a doormat for some.  It doesn't mean that I have to inherit everyone's sadness and save them.  It means that I have to draw new boundaries and be willing to take new actions to get new results.

Positive changes aren’t a matter of will.  It's a matter of being willing to do what it takes to get me where I want to be.  When I am not willing, no matter how much I proclaim I am, change will not happen.  I do not need a strong will to succeed.  I only need willingness to whatever is required to make my goals and dreams happen.  I need to be willing to change the way I allow others to treat me.  I have to be willing to work around, go through, over or under any obstacles that get in my way.. Including myself.

Every day we must focus on our purpose and act on our plans.  Just like getting in shape physically I had to make a plan and work my plan.  The same willingness for a positive life has to be endured and the same kind of action plan has to be focused on.

Today I will make a list of things I want to see improved in my life.  It can be anything or everything it is up to me.  I will put that list on my desk, where I will see it every day, and I will read it over and over again.  So that it not only is in the forefront of my mind but I can be reminded of it and reminded that I must be open and willing to the change for it to happen.

No one is going to make my life for me.  No one can save me or make things better.  I have the power and I have the ability I just have to be willing.

I am....willing

Make it a great day! 

~Mellie