The Love Dare-Day Seventeen

Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.

Love promotes intimacy-- He who covers an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.  Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships.  Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, loved, and accepted.  We want people to know our name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are.  The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage.  Yet this blessing is also the greatest danger.  Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we will never fully recover.  If the home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else. Perhaps you look to a friend, initiating a relationship that either flirts with adultery or actually enters it. Your mate should not feel pressured to be perfect in your eyes.  They should not walk on eggshells in the very place they should feel safe at. The bible says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" Marriage has unloaded another person's baggage into your life, and your into theirs.  Some of these secrets may need correcting.  Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repairing for each other, not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support.  Some of these secrets need to be accepted. They are part of the person's make-up and history.  In either case, you and you alone wield the power that either to reject your spouse or to welcome them in -warts and all. No one knows you better than God does, the One who made you.  And yet God, who knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, loves us at a depth we cannot begin to fathom.  How much more should we-- as imperfect people-- reach out to our spouse in grace and understanding, accepting them for who they are and assuring them that their secrets are safe with us? This may be an area where you've really failed in the past.  If so, don't expect your spouse to immediately give you wide open access to their heart.  You must rebuild their trust.  The reality of intimacy always takes time to develop, specifically after being compromised.  But your commitment to re-establish it can happen today for anyone willing to take the dare.


Ouch!  This one is a painful dare for me because I am guilty of this... guilty of this, so much I can honestly say I am ashamed at myself.

Of course in marriage when there has been a long period of time together and there has been a separation you are going to have issues of trust on both sides.  I am not free from guilt in this area.  We both have betrayed each other in one way or another during our time together and apart.  However, this speaks to ME in an even greater manner because I have not protected my hubby's secrets in the past.

Maybe I did not come out and tell someone (enter secret here) but my actions towards that third party has lead them to think a certain way or come to a conclusion on their own about our relationship and that is just as much a trust breaker as openly speaking the secret.

I know my hubby holds things back from me in fear that I might say or imply things to a third party that he would not want them to know.  I get this.  This is my cross that I have to bear.  I am ashamed to say it that when I am challenged or pushed into a corner I seek out help and guidance when really I should be getting on my knees and praying to God.

I am looking for that perfect love that casts out fear.  But in order for me to get, I have to give it first.

This has been a great chapter for me and a great lesson for my heart.  Now, I have to go and prove myself to my hubby and prove to him I can be the one to be trusted again, it's not just about him.  But... I am willing to do it.. and continue to try over and over again till I get it right because he is the one I love and he is the one God gave to me and I will prove to him that we can have that perfect love that casts out fear.

~Mellie

*****

We live in a hard world. We are all faced with choices, decisions--some obvious, some subtle, that can have lasting implications. We don't always make the best decisions. Sometimes, we act out of fear. Sometimes, we act out of ego.

It is important that we all feel we have a place to be safe. A place, rather a person, that we know we can share anything and everything with and that that person, despite knowing the best and worst about you, still accepts you.

I have that person in my wife. She knows me, as she often says, perhaps better than I know myself. She knows all the amazing things I am capable of--my strengths, abilities to persuade and lead, usual strong character and determination. She also knows my terrible failings as a man and as a leader of our family.

Not only does she accept me, still--but she shows me unconditional love on a daily basis. Love that I never knew existed.

Likewise, I know all about my wife. I know her hopes and dreams. I  know her greatest and darkest fears. I know her tremendous strengths, and I know her shortcomings. And, I love her. All of her.

All these things make-up Michelle. They are who and what she is. And, they are and always will be safe with me.

As Michelle says, it all comes down to fear. We all have to accept who we are as people, what we have done both good and bad, and move forward. We all have to decide we will not live our lives in the past....we will not live our lives in fear.

I have made that decision, and it benefits my wife, our family, and all those around me that trust and count on me.

~ Joseph

The Love Dare-Day Sixteen

Begin praying for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

Love intercedes-- Beloved, I pray that in all aspects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. You cannot change your spouse. Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Isn't that what happens when you try and change your mate? It's frustration as the highest level. At some point you need to realize that it's not something you can change. But what you can do is become a wise farmer. A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He can not argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. What he can do is plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. This challenge is not about changing your spouse. It's about you daring to love. If yo take the Love Dare seriously, there is a high chance you will be personally changed from the inside out. And if you carry out each dare your spouse will likely be changed and your marriage will begin to bloom. It may take month, or even years. But regardless of the soil you're working with you are to plan for success. You are to nurture the soil of your mate's heart and then depend on God for the results. God is sovereign. He does things His way. He's not a genie in a lamp that submits to your every wish. But He does love you and desires in intimate relationship with you. This doesn't happen apart from prayer. Prayer works best when coming from a humble heart that is in a right relationship with God and others. The Bible says "Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another." Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse's hidden faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. So turn your complaints into prayers and watch the Master work while you keep your hands
clean. Pray for his heart. Pray for her attitude. Pray for your responsibilities before God. Pray for truth to replace lie. Pray that forgiveness would replace bitterness. Pray for a genuine breakthrough in your marriage. And then pray for your hearts desires- for love and honor to become the norm. Pray for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

"You are to nurture the soil of your mate's heart and then depend on God for the results. God is sovereign. He does things His way. He's not a genie in a lamp that submits to your every wish."

I can see how someone can take yesterday's challenge and turn it into praying and asking God to make changes in their spouse to benefit themselves.  I know on more than one occasion I have been guilty of this.  If only God would change my hubby and have him this way or that way... funny, he never did change and things got a lot worse for me before they got better.

I have learned over this past year that my prayers for my hubby need to be true to who I am, who he is and the God I serve.  My "issues" I have with my hubby are not my issues at all.  I have learned that they are between God and my hubby to work out and like this chapter says.. "God is not a genie in a lamp that submits to my every wish."  This has been a hard lesson for me but one that has stayed true that I can say I finally fully understand now.

I can not change who my hubby is.  I can not change his demons he has or fight his battles for him-for us.  These things are between him and God and together God will direct my hubby to the path He thinks fit.  It may not be the path either of us have for ourselves but God makes His own plans.

So praying for my hubby yesterday, several times during the day was easy.  I prayed for my hubby's relationship with God not defined in my words but what my hubby defines as a relationship.  I prayed for my hubby to find peace with his demons.  And then I prayed for my hubby to find strength to continue on the path of being the man he wants and knows he can be.  I prayed a variation of this over and over again but continued to tell God "I understand your wishes for my hubby are between You and him and this has nothing to do with me. I have no control and can only pray for strength to grow between my hubby and God."  Saying these words over and over again and acknowledging to God I understand this is out of my power felt pretty good.  I almost felt as if I was being told, "Let go Michelle and love him freely."  So, that is what I am going to do.

I enjoyed praying for my hubby during the day, for our marriage, for our family and will continue to try and keep this on the forefront of my mind daily.  Prayer doesn't only have to be done at meals and bedtime. I feel it will do only more good in my marriage to keep praying during the day.

I am letting go and loving him freely.

~Mellie

***************************

Well, that's a bummer (the above blog). Am I allowed to read my spouse's blog before I write my own? I tend to avoid doing so, as I am afraid doing so may impact my blog...my feelings...my response.

I was right. As usual.

I hereby declare myself "demon free". Is that how it works? If so, where do I sign. Hmm...somebody call someone.

I prayed for Peace, Security, and Happiness for my wife. For my wife's heart. I prayed numerous times throughout the day. In fact, so much so, that my wife offered to buy my a rug (a reference to our Muslim friends).

We all our responsible for our own actions. We are all accountable to someone. Most of all, we are accountable to ourselves. I have learned a lot. I have seen my wife experience incredible highs and incredible lows during our 10-year relationship, all of which were drive by what I had done or not done.

I understand that I lead my family. I understand that I set the tone and the path that they follow. Sure, some days I think about it and want to go hide somewhere for just a few hours of "me time." But, I accept my responsibility that God has bestowed upon me and look forward to working at being the best man, husband, leader--I can be.

No matter what, I know my wife loves me, forgives me, and respects me.

Now, I have to learn to do the same thing (for myself).

~ Joseph

The Love Dare-Day Fifteen

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  Itmight be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listenand speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is esteemed in your eyes.

Love is honorable-Live withyour wives in an understanding way.... and show her honor as a fellow heir ofthe grace of life.  There are certain words in our language that havepowerful meanings. Whenever these words are used, an air of respect isassociated with them.  One of these words is honor.  To honor someonemeans to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth.  You keep your language clean and understandable. You are courteous and polite.  You take them seriously and give their words weight and significance.  Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with oneeye on the television.  You give your mate's voice and opinion equal influence in your mind.  You honor what they have to say.  They matter, and you show them that in every way.  He or she is sacred to you,a person to be honored, praised and defended.  This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you.  Is that the way it is in your marriage?  Would your mate say you honor and respect them? Do you consider them set apart and highly valued?  Holy?  Love honors when it's rejected.  Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you getting return.  You are to be devoted to one another in love.  But whenyour attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to honor just the same.That's what love dares do-to say "Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most.  Of all the things I am willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you.  With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults-past and present- I still choose to love and honor you." That's how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled.  That's how you lead your heart to truly love your mate again. And that's the beauty of honor. 


"Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most."

This statement couldn't be any more true for me towards my hubby, however when it comes to honorable love I feel this chapter has a lot to teach both of us.

As I have grown older in my marriage so have my thoughts and dreams.  With this maturity has came an understanding that MY way of thinking I am honoring my hubby isn't necessary achieving that goal.  I have really had to learn that my hubby's definition of honor and respect can be totally opposite of mine.

It's pretty black and white to me.  Honor and respect him by only doing actions that I would be able to do in front of my hubby.  Honor and respect him by letting him know I value his thoughts, hard work and look to him for input and assistance in my life.  Honor and respect him by ensuring that he knows no other person is worthy of my time.  Honor and respect his reputation in everything I do.  Honor and respect him by helping him understand I value him more than any other human.  Honor and respect him by speaking the truth in all areas of our lives. Honor and respect him by showing him my love is true and real.  

This chapter makes me look beyond MY thinking of how I honor and respect my hubby and forces me to try and learn from him what HE needs to feel honor and respected. The things I list above are really what I need to feel honored and respected, this may not be in line with my hubby's.  It weighs heavy on my heart and soul to think how my hubby represents me in the public eye when it comes to our marriage.  What is the unspoken message he is saying to others about me as a wife and his value he places on our marriage.  This may not cross his mind as one of his ways of feeling honored and respected but it is a huge trigger point for me.  This is just one example of how I can be putting my needs into his needs and being totally off.

When we got married and as we grew together a topic like this was not apart of our discussions for expectations.  We talked more about who would do what in the marriage, how we would raise our kids, what our future plans were, ever did we talk about our expectations for honor and respect. 

I like this chapter because it forces us to look beyond what we THINK we are doing for each other and makes us really look at and have to discuss what we NEED to do for each other. I have to be open to hear what he needs and see if I am able to provide it for him.  I know there are things that will be rough and some things I am probably not going to like but as long as we are both getting what we need out of the marriage and we are both feeling like it's a partnership and each is making changes for the other than I don't see anything that isn't possible for us.  

"Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most."  My hubby is my best friend, the only person I want to be with and it is my honor to show him I value him and respect him and want him to feel this way each and everyday of our lives.  It is my duty to him and to God to do this in the best way possible.

~Mellie 

****

Often, I hear married and previously married couples talk about change, and how they changed from when they first got married. They are not the same people they were when they married (insert 2, 5, or 10 years) ago. They grew apart. They didn't know each other anymore. They were just kids when they got together.

Of course they changed. We all have.

I am 38 years old. I am not the same person I was when I was 30. I am barely the same person I was 6 months ago, and I am certainly not the same person that I was when I was 28, which is when I first started seeing Michelle.

Likewise, Michelle is a different person now than she was 10-11 years ago.

Fortunately, we have grown and changed together. We have developed and matured as adults, together. We  have found and enjoyed new passions, together. From the relatively mundane (sharing a love of a few TV shows), to the critically important--shared values as a family/ manner in which we raise our children. We have developed together. 

Our love of physical fitness, which neither one of us brought into the marriage--developed together. Our outlook on politics and foreign affairs--developed together. Our love of the game of football--developed together. Our types of vacations and stay-cations..security in routine. Love of healthy food, and nights away at a hotel ordering room service till our hearts consent...only to hit the gym doubly hard the next day. Our new found love for learning and exploring white wines.

We have done all of this and so much more, together.

Yes, we have differences. This is both normal and, perhaps, even healthy. But frankly, they would be difficult for me to enumerate because our differences pale when compared to our likeness and shared values.

This all brings me to a point: I have learned, slowly but surely, that when I honor and respect Michelle, in the way I know she needs to be honored and respected, I am truly honoring and respecting myself. When I hold her in high-esteem and value her, by my thoughts, words, and deeds, I am holding myself in high-esteem and valuing myself.

Because Michelle and I are truly one in the same. We have a union under the laws of man, but more importantly, we are a union under Christ.

Does that make our marriage easy? No. Does that mean we are carefree and trouble free? Well, if you've ever read a few blogs of ours, you would know the answer is an astounding "No!".

But I love her. I am committed to her. I know, God-willing, she is the one I will grow old with. And, whether she dies first or I do, I  know we will be together in this life and the next.

We are still together because our soulful and spiritual bond is strong. We are together because we are each others' best friend, lover, and life-partner. We are together because we are truly both deeply in love with each other. 

I share my embrace and tenderness only with her, and in doing so, honor and respect ourselves and our family.

She is me, and I am her.


~ Joseph


 

 

The Love Dare-Day Fourteen

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.  Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on.  Just be together.

Love takes delight- Enjoy like with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life.  One of the important things you should learn on your journey is not to follow your heart, but rather lead it. You don't let your feelings and emotions do the driving. In your marriage you will not always feel like loving your spouse. It's unrealistic for your heart to constantly thrill at the thought of spending every moment with your spouse.  Nobody can maintain that burning feeling. A newly married couple takes delight in the one they call their spouse.  Their love is young and fresh and have romantic hopes for their future.  However there is something just as powerful as that fresh feeling.  It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love them no matter how long you have been married.  In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love the feels like loving.  It's time to lead your heart to once again delight in your mate.  Enjoy your spouse.  Seek their companionship. Desire their conversation.  Welcome this person back into your heart fully.  Again, you get to choose to what you treasure.. treasure your marriage. For some this challenge of delight may only be a small step away.  For others, it may require a giant leap from ongoing disgust.  The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever. 

I have never really been one of those people who looks for the next best thing, the latest and greatest.  I don't thrive on finding the "new" in everything.  I am a girl who likes comfort, security and the old warm feeling of the "known."

Now this does not mean I do not seek adventure and like trying new things.  This just means that I find more comfort and joy in something I have learned and loved rather than trying to find the next newest model.  This applies to almost every area of my life, including my hubby.

I know my hubby. I know the ins and outs about him.  I can look at him and tell you what kind of mood he is in.  I know how he will react to a situation.  I know his habits. I know when he is feeling good in our marriage and when he isn't.  I know what he likes and does not like.  After being with this man for ten years I can honestly say there is really no mystery in my hubby and I like that.

People talk about their marriage getting boring, or their spouses getting boring.  I don't feel that way at all with my hubby.  He still excites ME in every way.  I still get anxious when I know he is coming home.  I still get excited when I know we are going to go somewhere together.  I only look to him to do things with on the weekends and after work.  I enjoy being with him and miss him when he is gone.  I love texting him during the day to let him know I am thinking about him.  And yes, I still feel that thrill in my toes when he kisses me or touches me.  Ten years is a long time to be with someone and to still have a burning feeling for them, but I do.

I delight in my spouse even when he is being difficult.  I enjoy being with him in every possible way and even when things get tough between us there is no one I would rather be with and no where I would rather be.  

This chapter instructed us to "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.  Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on.  Just to be together."

We do this almost every night.  We have our routine that we both enjoy doing together.  We go to the gym, come home make dinner and have dinner as a family.  Spend some time with the kids then put everyone to bed and we retreat to our room where our quality time is spent with each other.  It never matters what we are doing just the fact that we are together is enough.  There have been many times we can be laying on our bed doing Facebook on our own phones and our feet will be touching each other.  We are still together, feeling connected and still enjoying our quiet times.
"The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever."

I don't have to relearn my love with my hubby because the only change my love has gone through with him is developed into a deeper love.  I have loved this man from the very start of our relationship and I don't think or care to think about anyone else.  I gave my heart and soul to him and have spent the last ten years trying to show him that.  My love is deep, it's true and it will never leave. 
  
~Mellie 

*******

I have come to a startling realization as of late---I am not going to live forever.

Really, I'm not.

Armed with this new knowledge as of late, I have been focused on living my life as if this day, this moment, could be my last. Now, don't get me wrong--I'm not giving anything away and walking around in all black, wearing a sign. But, I am slowing down to smell the flowers, as they say; enjoying each day and each moment for what they are--a gift from God to spend more time with those that I love.

I can be impatient.

As in, REALLY impatient. Actually, maybe inpatient is not the word. I expect results, and have little patience for things or people that aren't producing what I believe they should be--what I know I could produce.

This is difficult to apply to 3 kids under the age of 7, but I manage to hold them to the same standard as I hold myself.......

Love takes delight........you get to choose to what you treasure.. treasure your marriage. 

I am who I am, that will never change. But, I can change who I am. I can change what I value in my family. I can change my belief system. I can believe that I can be the person I was meant to be, and that any mistake in my past can be left in my past...where it belongs.

I can change the way I impose my will. I will always be a doer. I will always be someone that would rather do something about it, then spend countless hours (torture) discussing, pondering, considering.

But, I am learning to take delight in the little things in life. I am learning to treasure my marriage, which means treasure my spouse and treasure my family. I think so highly of my kids, the older boys and the little ones. I think so highly of my wife. As I have said before, she is everything to me. She inspires me, she motivates me. She accomplishes things that I simply would not have the determination or ability to accomplish.

But do they know this? Does my wife know how I truly feel about her? Or, does she think of me as being impatient and perhaps easily annoyed. Even, perhaps, moody.

And, if she feels this way, then isn't that a result of my actions? 

Yes, it is.

It is my job, my duty--my honor as my wife's husband to make her feel the way I think about her. She is the center of my universe. She is what I live for. I hold her in the highest esteem. It's not about telling her this. It's not about writing her the sweetest poem ever written---although could (or not).

It's about what I do. How I act. It's about those times when I am feeling inpatient and annoyed, but choose that I would RATHER my wife feel treasured, then feel the brunt of my frustration? Why? Because I treasure her and we shield those that we love, that what we treasure, from pain as much as possible....including pain inflicted by ourselves.

The responsibility is yours to relearn what you love about this one to whom you've promised yourself forever.

Maybe I'm a closet rebel that needs to learn to play by the rules, but the fact is I do not need to relearn what I love about my wife. Rather, I need to relearn the way I show my wife the love I have for her.

This is a perhaps subtle, yet critical, variation. 

As I have said, I love my wife. She excites me. She motivates me. She encourages me. I am what I am because she has been there with me...through the good and the bad. All she has ever asked of me is to be my true self--the honest, moral, loving man that I once was and perhaps lost my way for a time.

It feels good to be back, and I look forward to sharing this man with my lovely wife.

~Joseph 


 


 

The Love Dare-Day Thirteen

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is mot ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Love fights fair-- If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.  Like it or not conflict in marriage is inevitable.  The forced closeness of a marriage begins to strip away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits.  Welcome to fallen humanity.  At the same time the storms of life are testing and revealing what you are both really made of. Word demands, health, families, financial situations all add pressure and heat to a relationship.  Every couple goes through it but not every couple survives it. Living this Dare is not going to drive out conflict it is meant to help you deal with conflict in such a way you both come out healthier... together. The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you may ever do will be during conflict.  That is when our pride is the thickest. Our anger is the hottest.  We are more selfish and judgmental.  Our words contain venom.  You can make the worst decisions during this time. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate and enjoy each other on a deeper level.  This happens by establishing boundaries. You need to have "We" boundaries.  Rules you both agree on beforehand that apply during a fight such as never mention divorce, not bringing up old unrelated issues, or fighting in front of the kids.  You also need "Me" boundaries such as I will listen before I speak, I will deal with my own issues up front or I will speak gently and keep my voice down. Fighting fair means changing your weapons.  Disagree with dignity and your results will be to build a bridge instead of burning one down.  Love is not a fight, but it is worth fighting for.

Fighting is something that my hubby and I do and do not do a lot of.  We do not have the typical fights most married couples have.  We do not yell and scream at each other, we do not fight in front of the kids.  We can both be totally at our limit with each other and you will still see us hugging and kissing or posting on each other’s walls on Facebook. 

However, when we do fight it is very emotional... for me.  My hubby being the strong and determined kind of man that he is, well he is not a real fighter.  He just wants the issue to go away.  He will say what he has to, sometimes true or not, just to make it go away.  I on the other hand want him to understand how I "feel" and how the issue is "affecting" me.  Can you see where I am going with this.... ?  It is about feelings for me, which I know is wrong.  I get so emotionally charged, embarrassed, my pride is hurt, my feelings are hurt, I have found out a lie, or whatever the case may be this sends ME into an emotional rabbit hole that I try and drag him down as well.  Well he will have no part of it and will shut me down instantly.  He does not want to hear how I feel or be dragged down the pit of darkness I am trying to pull him into.  This of course frustrates me even more because I feel like I am not being heard.

My mother was a screamer.  She would yell at the top of her lungs at us kids and throw things and just carry on.  I would then rush around trying to fix everything and make peace in the house for everyone regardless if I was in the center of the distress or not.  I learned my behavior from her, and as much as I tried all my life not to be her I did and am her.

I do not scream.  I have learned over the years if I lower my voice when I am talking to my hubby I get further than normal.  He still will tell me "Don't yell at me or don't talk to me like that" but that is his reaction to being pushed up against a wall and I know he is trying to deflect.  It took me a few years to learn to control the volume of my voice when trying to discuss a problem with him.

My hubby and I discussed a few rules last night about how we would learn to "fight" with each other and here are the boundaries.  I took it one step further and made "Me" boundaries to add for myself.

"We" boundaries:

• We will never mention divorce.  
• We are in this together.  We have been legally separated, we were all but divorced in the State's mind and we choose to come back together because this is where we both want to be.  We will not use this fear tactic to gain our way or make our point even louder.  This is not an option.

• We will not speak ill willed about each other to others outside of our marriage.
• It is hard enough to be in a fight but when you drag in a 3rd party to hear your side of the problem all you do is create more drama and more ill willed feelings toward your spouse.  Our issues will remain in our household with each other under God.

• We will not bring up the past hurts and the past challenges that do not pertain to the situation at hand.
• Too many times you want to have a score card or you want to bring up the past hurts.  If it has nothing to do with what the issue at hand is then there is no need to bring it up.

• We will only be honest with each other no matter what.
• There is no reason to try and get ourselves out of a situation that we are facing by telling a lie or making the other person believe something that is not.  This is just building a house of cards that will fall on us one day.

"Me" boundaries:

• I will not challenge or confront my hubby while he is at work.
• This has been a terrible habit I have seen develop over the years.  I find something out that I am not happy with and I either pick up the phone and call him or I send him a text.  At the time I am trying to deal with the issue but in reality I am hiding behind technology and being a coward.

• I will learn to continue to control my words and my tone when speaking to my hubby in a disagreement.
• The level of my voice and the tone of it can make or break any argument; I must learn to control this if I am to have any kind of opportunity to get to the heat of the disagreement.

• I will learn to "stay within myself" when I first get upset.  Rather than lashing out I will try and get myself calm and even pray asking for God to help me.  My hopes will be to maintain control, no matter how hurt I am feeling, and not drag myself or my hubby down that hole.
• I will remind myself that my hubby is not against me.  He is not out to make me look like a fool, he is not out to hurt me, he is not out to embarrass me and he is not out to deceive me.  His actions are his actions but I KNOW he is not trying to hurt me.  I need to remember this because if I do not feel like I am on the attack I think I can handle my emotions better.
• I will remind myself that it is him and I in this world.... together.... we have to remain partners in every area of our lives.  
• I will remind myself that I cannot fix everything and some things I need to leave with God.

I think this is a great start and I am going to add these rules to my I phone so when the next argument comes up... I can recall what my rules are and go by them.  God give me your grace and your peace and help me be the wife I so want to be for my hubby.  One that shows him he too can be the man he wants to be and build our bridge together and stronger.

~Mellie

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It's hard being right all the time. It really is. Being right all the time means that when someone disagrees with you, well, by definition...they are wrong. Then, you have to go through the energy draining experience of persuading the other person of the errors of their ways, and to understand that you are in fact right....all the time.

Good thing I don't have this problem, because I am far from always being right.

My wife and I did discuss some boundaries last night. However, I recall the list being shorter and much more manageable. However, as usually, my wife fill in the details while I try to manage the broad strokes:

* There is not right or wrong, her against me...there is only US. We only win if we are both heard and reach and understanding.

* Bringing up things from the past is usually both futile and an attempt to hurt one another. A poor expression of our frustrations.

My wife is right. We hardly fight. She is my best friend. I love being around her. She is with me virtually everywhere, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Two nights ago, I had a craving that required me to head to Albertson's in the cold and rain, dressed in my boxers basically. Guess who was with  me. Guess who wanted to go with me.

When I do something without my wife, that I usually do with her,  I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel out of place. I don't think that's sad. It doesn't mean I can't function as a person and as a man without her. What it means is, we are so interwoven that I am not my full self...my best self, without her. It's just a fact.

I have lived without my wife for a period of time. I know how it feels. As my wife stated, we were separated and all but divorced. The ink WAS literally on the paper, and all either one of us had to do was submit it with a $50 check payable to Clackamas County.

I came home because it is where I wanted to be, and it was the best decision of my life.

Unlike movies, things were not rosy from that point forward. In fact, they became perhaps more difficult as there was real pain and hurt that both of us had to work through.

Today, all I know is that I love and respect my wife through my thoughts, words, and actions. As I type this, I am a few moments away from calling it a day for today, and all I can think of is giving my wife a hug and kiss hello and spending the next several hours with her.

This is what I live for. This is what I work so hard for. To be able to be by her side as much as possible.

I try to remember this every moment, even those rare times when I want to bury her in the backyard, as I often say (I'm very sweet). Because at the end of the day, I know, I would be digging her back up so why not skip that step--and all the emotional damage and hurt it causes--and remained focus on who and what she is to me: the mother of my children and the most loving and caring wife a man could ever hope for.

- Joseph