Romance Meets Reality-Day 1

"We have love because he first loved us."  - 1 John 4

We probably ought to just start here:  marriage is fabulously hard.  Maybe that's an odd way to begin, but it is true, and everybody who's been married knows this, though years into marriage it still catches us off guard, all of us.  And newly married couples, when they discover how hard it is, seem genuinely surprised.  Shocked and disheartened by the fact.  Are we doing something wrong?  Did I marry the right person? The wonders that lure us into marriage- romance, love, passion, sex, longing, companionship- sometimes seem so far from the actual reality of married life that we wind up fearing we've made a colossal mistake, caught the wrong bus, missed our flight.  And so the hardness of marriage can also come as something of an embarrassment.  Or maybe it's just us.  Don't you feel embarrassed to admit how hard your marriage is?

Yep.  That is everyone.  We might as well come out and admit it.  The sooner we get the shame off our backs, the sooner we'll find our way through.  Of course marriage is hard.  In fact, if you look back at the first marriage, that fairy-tale start in Genesis, you see that Adam and Eve had a pretty rough go at it.  And they didn't even have parents to screw them up as children or friends giving them ridiculous advice.  The fall of man seems to come during the honeymoon or shortly thereafter. (And how many honeymoon stories seem to reenact that little drama?)  They hit rough water as soon as the set sail.  This is the story of the first marriage, and it's a bit sobering.

But it also gives us some encouragement.  It's normal for marriage to be hard.  Even the best of marriages.

And God is in that.

In order to have the life we want, the life we were meant for, and the marriage we long for, we need God.  That's a very good thing!  Because without him, nothing is as it should be.  With him, all things are possible.  Yes, marriage can be extremely hard.  But that is not a reason to despair.  Nor is the final truth.  There are seasons in marriage--in every relationship.  Marriage is meant to be wonderful, and most of the time it is.  Though it's sometimes so hard to think of the difficulty as a doorway.  A doorway to all the MORE Jesus has for us in himself.  There is hope!

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Dear God, as I begin this study I offer up this time for your purpose.  Please help me draw closer to your hear and deepen my marriage in every good way.  Sometimes it is hard.  Even painful.  I invite you into that as well.  Have your way with me, with my spouse, and with our marriage.  We need you.  I am looking to you.  I Jesus' mighty name, amen.

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Today I begin the Love & War Devotional for Couples as a way to bring God into my marriage more and to make my marriage stronger.  

Growing up I always dreamed of getting married.  I viewed marriage as an opportunity to share my love with someone who would share the same love back.  I always felt like I would be a great wife.  There was just something inside me that told me if I took care of my husband and my family life would finally work out for me and the struggles of my childhood would be nothing but a faint memory.  But at a young age I witnessed marriages failing with my mother's friends. I knew couples who were committing adultery in their marriages, and early on I understood the games that could be played and the hurt one could cause each other if you didn't honor your marriage.  It never made sense to me why these "grown ups" were sabotaging the greatness of marriage and the love of their lives. I had no real example of a good marriage or even how to be a good wife, but I was determined I could be one.

Yet, with that being said I was NOT a good wife in my first marriage.  I married so young, 17 years old,  I was so immature as a person I did everything wrong.  I manipulated, I lied, I broke my vows and I hurt many people along the way including myself.  I took the marriage as if it were something that was suppose to make me complete, it was suppose to fulfill my lifr, and resolve my childhood fears and it should have made me whole.  Yet it did quite the opposite, it changed me into someone I did not like seeing in the mirror.  Marriage was way harder than I ever imagined and I did not have the maturity or the tools to prepare me on making it work, especially with so many forces stacked against us.

When I finally called it quits the only thing left was a path of destruction and pain for both my husband and I.  We managed to destroy even the friendship we had with one another over being selfish and taking each other for granted.  We had nothing left in us and it changed us both forever.

Going into my marriage I am in now, I had many reservations.  Could I do it better this time, could I be the person I was mean to be and could I finally find happiness with someone who I would share my life with and who would share theirs with me too?  When I took my vows of marriage with my hubby I told myself ONE thing..... "For better or for worse, this will be my last marriage... I will make this work and I will give it everything I have till there is no more to give."   I told myself if I went into it with the understanding that I would give it all I have and all I will ever have then he and I could make it through anything that came our way.  I could show my hubby unconditional love and help him be a better person and he could show me the same and help me as well.  We were in this together and even if it came down to just me fighting I was going to make this work.  I loved this man from the very first time I was with him and  knew in my heart I was meant to be with him.

Over the years my hubby and I have done our share to hurt one another.  We have had many sleepless nights, painful arguments and moments of shame and embarrassments caused by one another.   But through it all I always felt like this is still where I was meant to be and I had to fight till I could fight no more.  I had to stay in my marriage and not let the pain take the place of my love for him.  I had to believe even in the darkest hours of our marriage our love could and would shine through.  Even if I was fighting alone for this I had to continue to fight.  I would just tell myself the pain I was going through now would be rewarded later if I just kept my faith with God and kept fighting for US.

 Marriage is hard.  Marriage can hurt and the things we do to each other can be very embarrassing.  But I still have faith that if I keep God in my marriage, I keep my faith with him that my hubby and I can endure anything that comes our way.  I feel sitting here today, we have done just that and for the first time in a long time I really feel like all the pain we have caused one another in the past is finally going to pay off.   For the first time in a long time I feel as if this is OUR time, the time for our marriage to be strong, sturdy and united as one in all ways.  But with that brings fear because when things go good for people Evil will try and destroy it and the better your strength is with one another the harder Evil will try and destroy it.

So as I prepare for a fight till the finish and begin this devotional book to strengthen my bond with my hubby and with my God I go back to the start of my marriage. In my mind I will renew my vows that I spoke to my hubby and remind myself this is OUR marriage, this is MY hubby and this is where I belong and will fight for it for the rest of my life.

My vows from our wedding day:

Today I proclaim with two simple words "I do" a lifetime of love that will never fade.

Today I give to you my heart and soul,

Something I have never really given before.

Today I say I do, to my one true love

Who I will stand by through and through

Joseph,

For the first time in my life I finally know what I am doing is right.

You have taught me kindness, patience and have opened my heart up to love

I am so thankful for you everyday.  I admire you more and more in every way

The love that you show me and the boys will never go unappreciated.

I pledge to you today that I will never take you for granted; I will always consider your feelings and needs and will be true to you in every way.

You are the one I have been searching my whole life for. 

I promise to love you, fulfill your needs and even honor and obey.

You have my heart and my soul from now until the end of time. 

I look forward to a lifetime of joy and laughter with you.

I love you.

  

When a marriage comes to an end

Today a story was shared with me that touched me and moved me so much I wanted to share it as well. 

For a person who almost lost her own marriage this story reaches to the depths of my soul.  I too would not give up and there were days I had to love from afar but in the end my own hubby came back to me and back to our family. I wish I could say I was as graceful as the writer of this story, but at times the pain and reality of my life at the moment were unbearable and I did lash our and I did cry and I did beg.  None of that matters now, what matters going forward is my hubby and I are still married, not for the sake of our kids, but because it is written in the stars for us.  This plan he and I live together is God's plan. 

It's a long read but a GREAT one.

~Mellie

Let’s say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros, when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else—a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.
So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.
But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation,” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”
“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.
My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.


This essay originally appeared in The New York Times. Used with permission. All rights reserved.

The Love Dare- Day Twenty-five

What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ. – 2 Corinthians 2:10

This one is tough – perhaps the toughest dare in the book.  But if there is to be any hope for your marriage, this is a challenge that must absolutely be taken seriously.  Counselors and ministers who deal with broken couples on a regular basis will tell you that this is the most complex problem of all, a rupture that is often the last to be repaired.  It cannot just be considered and contemplated but must be deliberately put into practice.  Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won’t.

Jesus painted a vivid image of forgiveness in His parable of the ungrateful servant.  A man who owed a sizable sum of money was surprised when his master heard his appeals for mercy and totally canceled his debt.  But upon being released from this enormous load, the servant did a most unexpected thing; he went to another man who owed him a much smaller amount and demanded immediate payment.  When the master heard of it, things changed dramatically in his arrangement with the slave.  “His lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him” (Matthew 18:34).  A day that had begun with joy and relief ended in grief and hopelessness.

Torture. Prison. When you think of unforgiveness, this is what should come to your mind, for Jesus said, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of does not forgive his brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).

Imagine you find yourself in a prison-like setting.  As you look around, you see a number of cells visible from where you’re standing.  You see people from your past incarcerated there – people who wounded you as a child.  You see people you once called friends but who wronged you at some point in life.  You might see one or both of your parents there, perhaps a brother or sister or some other family member.  Even your spouse is locked in nearby, trapped with all the others in this jail of your own making.

This prison, you see, is a room in your own heart.  This dark, drafty, depressing chamber exists inside you every day.  But not far away, Jesus is standing there, extending to you a key that will release every inmate.

No. You don’t want any part of it.  These people have hurt you too badly.  They knew what they were doing and yet they did it anyway – even your spouse, the one you should have been able to count on most of all.  So you resist and turn away.  You’re unwilling to stay here any longer – seeing Jesus, seeing the key in His hand, knowing what He’s asking you to do.  It’s just too much.

But in trying to escape, you make a startling discovery.  There is no way out.  You’re trapped inside with all other captives.  Your unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness have made a prisoner of you as well.  Like the servant in Jesus’ story, who was forgiven an impossible debt, you have chosen not to forgive and have been handed over to the jailers and torturers.  Your freedom is now dependent on your forgiveness.

Coming to this conclusion usually takes us a while. We see all kinds of dangers and risks involved in forgiving others.  For instance, what they did was really wrong, whether they admit it or  not.  They may not even be sorry about it.  They may feel perfectly justified in their actions, even going so far as to blame you for it.  But forgiveness doesn’t absolve anyone of blame.  It doesn’t clear their record with God.  It just clears you of having to worry about how to punish them.  When you forgive another person, you’re not turning them loose.  You’re just turning them over to God, who can be counted on to deal with them His way.  You’re saving yourself the trouble of scripting any more arguments or trying to prevail in this situation.  It’s not about winning and losing anymore. It’s about freedom.  It’s about letting go.

That’s why you often hear people who have genuinely forgiven say, “It felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.”  Yes, that’s exactly what it is.  It’s like a breath of fresh air rushing into your hear.  The stale dankness of the prison house is flooded with light and coolness.  For the first time in a long time, you feel at peace.  You feel free.

But how do you do it?  You release your anger and the responsibility for judging this person to the Lord.  “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

How do you know you’ve done it?  You know it when the thought of their name or the sight of their face – rather than causing your blood to boil – causes you to feel sorry for them instead, to pity them, to genuinely hope they get this turned around.

There’s so much more that could be said and so many emotional issues you may need to fight through to get there.  But great marriages are not created by people who never hurt each other, only by people who choose to keep “no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).


Today’s Dare

Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today.  Let it go.  Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well.  Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long.  Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.”

Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.  (Luke 23:34).
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Wow, these are some hard chapters these past couple of days.  Not only did I bring forth the realization, or rather acceptance, that I live in total fear in my everyday life now I am facing the fact that I am living in my own prison as well.  I am looking around at all the cells filled with people who have wronged me or who have hurt me and I am right there trapped inside the cell walls with them.  

Sure, I have said a thousand times I forgive you or I have prayed and asked God to give me the heart of forgiveness and felt like I really had but deep down inside the fear I spoke of yesterday brings me right back to the jail cell I reside in with those who have hurt me.

Why do I keep coming back to this place of fear and not forgiving?  Why do I allow myself to be instantly angered when I think of someone who has came against me or my marriage?  Why do I tell feel like I have forgiven but I can not forget?  When will this all go away and when will I be free? 

I heard a sermon today and one part of the message was this quote:

“My job is to respond to the invitation of this God by glorifying him through living in obedience to all that he has commanded of me.  In doing so, I fully trust that He is good and that He is for me.  I trust that greater life is found in how God wired the universe to work, rather than how I think the universe should work.”

This quote speaks to me because it makes me understand something about myself...... I seek control and when I do not have control I let fear take me over and control me.  It goes hand and hand with each other and when I allow that fear to control me I also allow it to bring up the past doings that have hurt me and I am right back to feeling like I have not totally forgiven.

It was not until today that I actually understood that forgiveness is something I need to constantly work on and constantly ask God to help me with.  I just can't "say" I forgive you and that will be the end of it.  I need to continue to pray for the strength, I need to continue to seek God in my daily life allowing me to let go of the things that hurt me and my fears.  If someone continues to wrong me and I have to continue to forgive over and over again well that is when I have to make a choice to stop allowing the behavior and make changes in my life.

But as of today I will forgive again, I will focus on the wonderful life I have and I will focus on the greatness of my marriage that my hubby and I are working on.  I will pray and continue to pray when I feel like fear is taking me over.  I will refuse to allow myself to think about the people and situations that have wronged me because I am not going to live in that jail anymore.

It is not for me to judge, it is not for me to punish and it is not for me to not forgive the hurt in my life.  That is between them and their God. What is my job is to love my hubby, my family and my friends the way God commands me to and make the best of what I have.  I am blessed, I live a blessed life and my marriage has taken a turn for the better.  These are all the things I have to be grateful for and rather than spending my time in fear I am going to choose to forgive and move on.

"Great marriages are not created by people who never hurt each other, only by people who choose to keep “no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

I will not keep a record of wrongs, I am stronger than that and my marriage deserves better.

~Mellie
  http://youtu.be/NZVjKrmvYYQ

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I have always been, I believe, consistent and generous when it comes to forgiving other people. I do not like to keep grudges. Besides, the few times I have tried to, I generally tend to forget anyways what I am supposed to be upset at them about......very inconvenient.

For me, forgiving others has been easy.

Forgiving myself, on the other hand, has been a hard learned life lesson.

We all mistakes. Sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly. Sometimes minor and insignificant, sometimes life changing. I am strong believer in not making excuses for one's failures. I do not make them for myself, and I do not accept them from others. E for effort, I suppose, but results are what matters (imagine being a 4 to 8 year old child of mine and hearing that over and over again). I kid the children...sort of.

It has taken me a long time to forgive myself--to understand that I a mistake or series of mistakes does not have to define who and what I am, at least not once I learn to forgive myself so that others can also be free to forgive me.

Forgiving oneself, for me, is harder than it may seem.

Regret, guilt--emotions I was taught as a young child were not God-given, but rather evil's way of keeping you down and destroying your spirit. Yet, I spent many years living with both of them. I learned that harboring these emotions only led to more destructive behavior, which only furthered the depth of the underlying negative feelings.

Life can be a bitch, eh?

Finally, almost in an instant--I made a decision to forgive myself. To move forward. To remember who and what I am, and what I can offer. I have never felt so powerful as a person and as a spirit as I am today.

This self-forgiveness has literally freed my spirit and mind to move forward onto bigger and better things. Through this journey, I have learned and am continuing to learn to both love and respect myself, and in doing so, I am loving and respecting my wife, my family, and my God.

And, understanding I am human will still make mistakes, I also understand that I have principals and values that guide my decisions. Right or wrong, as long as I am doing what i believe to be the right thing, I can look myself in the mirror every night and every morning, and know that I deserve to have the opportunities that I have, and that I also have the power and spiritual authority to continue to expand on them.

As it is often said, everyone we meet is to some degree fighting their own battle and at a certain point in their own journey. We respect them for who they are and the positives that they bring, and we learn to forgive their misdeeds...including our own.

This, to me, allows us lead a truly happy life.

~ Joseph

The Love Dare-Day Twenty Four

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.  

– 1 John 2:17

Adam and Eve were supplied with everything they needed in the Garden of Eden.  They had fellowship with God and intimacy with one another.  But after Eve was deceived by the serpent, she saw the forbidden fruit and set her heart on it.  Before long, Adam joined in her wishes, and against God’s command both of them ate.

That’s the progression.  From eyes to heart to action.  And then follows shame and regret.

We, too, have been supplied with everything we need for a full, productive, enriching life.  “We have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either” (1 Timothy 6:7).  But the Bible goes on to say that, having basics of food and clothing, we should be “content.”  And Jesus promised these two things would always be provided to God’s children (Matthew 6:25-33).

God’s blessings, however, go so far beyond these fundamental needs, we could rightly say that we want for nothing.  Yet like Adam and Eve, we still want more.  So we set our eyes and hearts on seeking worldly pleasure.  We try to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways.  For many it’s seeking sexual fulfillment in another person or in pornographic images designed to feel like a real person.  We look, stare, and fantasize.  We try to be discreet but barely turn our eyes away.  And once our eyes are capture by curiosity, our hearts become entangled. Then we act on our lust.

We can also lust after possessions or power or prideful ambition.  We see what others have and we want it.  Our hearts are deceived into saying, “I could be happy if I only had this.”  Then we make the decision to go after it.

“But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction” (1 Timothy 6:9).

Lust is in opposition to love.  It means to set your heart and passions on something forbidden.  And for a believer it’s the first step out of fellowship with the Lord and with others.  That’s because every object of your lust – whether it’s a young coworker or a film actress, or coveting after a half-million dollar house or a sports car – represents the beginnings of a lie.  This person or thing that seems to promise sheer satisfaction is more like a bottomless pit of unmet longings.

Lust always breeds more lust.  “What is the source of the wars and the fights among you?  Don’t they come from the cravings that are at war within you?  (James 4:1 HCSB).  Lust will make you dissatisfied with your husband or wife.  It breeds anger, numbs hearts, and destroys marriages.  Rather than fullness, it leads to emptiness.

It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill.  Lust is like a warning light on the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you are not allowing God’s love to fill you.  When your eyes and heart are on Him, your actions will lead you to lasting joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemnation.

“His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.  For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust” (2 Peter 1:3-4).

Are you tired of being lied to by lust?  Are you fed up with believing that forbidden pleasures are able to keep you happy and content?  Then begin setting your eyes on the Word of God.  Let His promises of peace and freedom work their way into your heart.  Daily receive the unconditional love He has already proven to your through the cross. Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment.

You’ll find yourself so full on what He provides, you won’t be hungry anymore for the junk food of lust.

And while you’re at it, set your eyes and heart on your spouse again.  “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth … Be exhilarated always with her love.  For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner?  For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He watches all his paths” (Proverbs 5:18-21).

“Do not love the world nor the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15).  Lust is the best this world has to offer, but love offers you the best life in the world.


Today’s Dare

End it now.  Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it.  Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom.  It must be killed and destroyed – today – and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Act as free men, and do not use your freedom as a covering for evil.  (1 Peter 2:16)
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"It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill.  Lust is like a warning light on the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you are not allowing God’s love to fill you.  When your eyes and heart are on Him, your actions will lead you to lasting joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemnation."

I think when most people hear the word lust or if asked to describe lust they think of attraction and physical lust... when I began this chapter this is exactly what was in the back of my head while reading it.  Here I thought I was in the clear because I do not "lust" over anyone of the opposite sex.  Sure, there are men who I find attractive and I might think to myself "He looks good today, or good in that outfit or what a big smile he has."  But my thoughts are never far from my hubby.  The one man I truly lust after is my husband.

But as the paragraph I listed above states "lust is a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill."  This statement made me really look at my life yesterday and last night giving me the ability to search within myself and find where my misguided thirst is.

I live in fear.  I have lived in fear all my life.  My mother could never hold a job or a place to live for very long.  We depended on the men in her life to provide assistance when needed.  I began to help support my family at the age of 13 when I could babysit.  I lived in fear of the lights and power being turned off (because it happened all the time) I lived in fear of having to move and change schools and I lived in fear that one day my depressed, bipolar mother would just up and leave us three kids.  All things I feared as a child came true.

Thus began my adulthood of living in fear.  I would find myself in a relationship feeling secure and feeling like this was where I was meant to be and then my world would cave in.  As I got older I learned it was easier to love and leave then love and be left so I started living a life where I was the one calling the shots, or so I thought.  My life was in turmoil and I had no idea how to properly live in it.

My fears to this day are still a real factor, as real as the rain falling from the sky today.  However, these fears that I have held onto and that I KNOW evil helps me hang onto, control my life and control the conditions of my life.

Some of my fears come from my past, some come from the hard times with my hubby, some come directly from my hubby but none of them are to blame.  It is my fault I do not let go of them and it is my fault that I let fear take over me and run me like a bad habit.

My misguided thirst is for me to live a perfect life.  A life where there are no outside temptations for my hubby. Where there is no white lies or hidden secrets in our marriage.  Where there is no fear of being left or being hurt.  Where my kids live a stress free life free from pain.  Where I can have an argument with my hubby or I can stand up and say "I am not going to put up with this any longer" and not have the fear of him walking out.  Where my self worth is higher than my self doubts and where age doesn't define me but celebrates me.  These are my misguided thirst and they are damaging my relationship.

I must learn, as the chapter states, " Let His promises of peace and freedom work their way into your heart.  Daily receive the unconditional love He has already proven to your through the cross. Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment."

Just like I am learning to let go and give God my issues, I need to learn to force fear to let go of me and live in the freedom of God and focus on what He has given me and what I am blessed with.  I can not live in a life where I expect my hubby to push away my fears and push away the feeling of not being good enough.. I have to do this on my own and I have to allow God to do it for me.

Today I am going to start rejecting fear and rejecting that it will control me.  Today I will stop looking to my hubby to fix what is wrong with me and rejoice that I have this time with my hubby.  Today I will be thankful that God brought us together, brought us back together and that the scheme of life is bigger than how I feel in this very moment.  Today I am going to do what I can in prayer to push away fear and begin to live the life God wants me to live.

~Mellie

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"It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. "

Hate is a strong word that should be used sparingly.

I hate things. I hate clutter. I hate being surrounded by "stuff". I hate drawers full of things; often clutter and stuff.

I don't know why. But I know I do.

I like things simple. I prefer to have little and make do with what I have. There was a time in my life, not long ago, where I must have had 40 ties. With those ties, must have been 100 shirts. I would find a shirt that I liked, and get all possible colors for it. Why? Because I could. Because I didn't have 20 kids or anything else to do with my resources. But mainly because I lusted after things seeking satisfaction that I could never obtain through "things."

Now, I hate them (things).

Perhaps, it is because it reminds me of regrets and mistakes past. Perhaps because I associate "things" and clutter with chaos and disorganization. Perhaps I was dropped one too many times as a baby....who knows.

Life, to me, is now worth living NOT because of all the things I could buy, have, posses. But rather, because I could have virtually anything I wanted but instead have chosen to find my satisfaction in giving to others; loving the family I have been blessed with that love me for who I am, not what I have or could have.

For the first time in my adult life, I AM satisfied.

Does this mean I do not have a nice car? No. Does this mean I do not provide nice cars or clothes for my children and my wife? No. I work hard (as does my spouse) and I work intelligently, and this produces and provides a blessed life. But what it does mean is that I do not let these things define who I am. I do not work for these things. I work to provide stability and a future for my family--not for the next latest, greatest gadget or piece of clothing.

I prefer simple. For me, keeping things simple prevents me from getting distracted. Keeping things simple allows my mind to breathe; allows my mind to prosper and create. Keeping things simple allows me to focus on what matters--the people and relationships of those that I love and care about.

I lust for the love and affection of my family and my God. I find satisfaction in the love given to me by my children and my wife, and the opportunity that I have to lead and teach them what not to do and how not to be, often times from my own mistakes.

So, next time you see me wearing the same tie over and over again, at least you'll know why!


 ~Joseph