Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Lost.......






I am always losing things. It is not unual for me to misplace an item over and over again.  Before I had cars that had key pads, I would misplace my keys all the time.  I could spend hours hunting for them and tearing my house and purses apart only to find them underneath the seat of my car or on top of a shelf somewhere.

I have lost my ID so many times that I use to have two just so I would have a backup.  My phone is constantly lost, yes my phone.  During the Fall I have this habit of sticking it in my boots so that I do not have to carry a purse and will forget over and over again it's in there.  Just recently I thought my phone had been stolen from a place I was having lunch.  I was SURE I knew who picked it up and took it.  I went into the AT&T store to shut the phone off and report it stolen only to feel the phone slide down my leg further into my boot.

When my littles were little I would leave anything and everything around for them.  Binkis would be lost, bottles left on top of cars as I drove away, entire diaper bags left in a store in the dressing room after changing their diapers.  Coats have been left hanging in bathrooms and I can not tell you how many times I have lost my wallet when being out.  My hubby use to joke with me that when we would leave somewhere we had been together he would just quietly follow behind me and pick up everything I left. When I would realize I had left something I would turn around quickly to tell him I had to go back and he would be there smiling holding the item.  It's really a sickness of mine. 

When you realize you have lost something and you know you can not find it I think we all think about replacing it as soon as possible. Knowing that we can replace the lost item allows us to cope with the loss.  But is it really ever the same?  Sure you can go out and get another one, maybe it will be the same color or the same style or maybe it will be a different version of what you had and that may seem exiting to some.  A new and better version.  But will it every truly make you happy or will you always be thinking about the old one?  The old item will have memories attached to it, it's apart of who you are and how you got to be where you are today.  It may have had damage to it that you knew exactly where the damage came from and have a great story behind it.  It may have wear marks that only you know about but love because it was apart of your daily life.  New might be shinny and exciting but it can never take the place of your history, it can never be fully replaced and that can leave you with a forever sadness.

Instant gratification is a huge burden that I fight with daily.  I have to try and teach my kids that things are to be valued, cared for, taken care of and cherished.  Sure I could replace something that has been lost but the value and pride of keeping it and holding onto it goes a lot further than the gratification of going out and getting a new one.

Life is not meant to have things come so easily to us.  We are not meant to replace anything and everything just to feel better about ourselves.  It's a hard pattern not to fall into but I really feel like if we could all just slow down, hunt for that item we are missing and do everything we can to find it and bring it home.. we would all be a little bit happier.

~Mellie

Friday, October 17, 2014

I am......


If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

***  I feel with this card I have to, for the first time, add a disclosure.  I am NOT a victim of anything.  Yes, things have happened to me that were out of my control and not what I wanted but this does NOT make me a victim and I will NEVER play a victim role.  We are all dealt certain cards in our lives and what we do with those cards is up to us, we all have the same chances and opportunities as others.  You can either sit back and complain why things are not fair or you can participate in your life and make the most of it.  I will NEVER be someone who has to change her entire self so that others will like me, or so that I can be successful.  Where I am RIGHT now is good... I just know I can be better.***

"I am".....important.

What I am about to say is going to piss off a few people as soon as I type it, thus the reason for the disclosure. (And for my haters who read my blog so they can try and judge me or try and be me)

I do not feel important.

It is easy to see the other side of this and be able to list a thousand reasons why I am important....

My kids
My family
My friends
My dogs
My work

But if I am going to blog and be real than I have to share what is in my heart.  I do not feel important and I know that I allow people to make me feel that way.

When I was growing up I lived in house with two older siblings, boys.  My mother was a single mother, I had no father figure.  If I were to really look at myself in the mirror I would say this is what started my entire life of not feeling important.  I could never understand as a young child why there was a man out there, who was by blood my father, but wanted nothing to do with me.  What, as a baby, could I have possibly done to not be important enough to him to want nothing to do with me?  This questions haunted me until I was old enough to understand that of course, it had nothing to do with me.  But.... it never left me.

Fast forward 41 years.  I could sit here and list a handful of things that have happened to me over the years where I was left feeling... "How could this happen, what did I do to deserve this in my life?"  Yet none of the details of that list matters, what matters is what is left in my core.

I do not feel important.

Somewhere along the line I allowed the question of my father to come into the rest of my life and dictate a feeling of not being good enough, worthy enough, or important enough.  If I were important enough than things would not have been done to me that were done, because that loved one would not have wanted to hurt me.  If I were important enough old relationships would not have ended the way they did because the other party would have thought me important enough not to treat me like that. If I were important enough the success of my past careers would not have been subject to criticism and ridicule because I out did their top performers. If I were good enough other people's happiness would have not been put above my own and continue to be put above my own.  If I were good enough I wouldn't be facing an uncertain future because there would be someone by my side.  If, if, if, if, if.

Life is full of what ifs?  It's also full of joy, laughs, pain, tears, hurt, love, kindness, warmth and everything else that YOU allow to come into your life.

Yes, I have insecurities about myself.  Yes, I have baggage that I am still trying to understand.  Yes, I have pain that is so deep it keeps me up at night.  But what I also have is a great life!

It's okay to not feel important all the time.  It's okay not to feel worthy all of the time.  It's okay to question your worth sometimes.  What is not okay, and what I would never allow myself to do is to stay in that darkness and live a life of sadness, depression or trying to cover up what hurts by taking pills, drinking too much or hurting myself in anyway.

"I am".....important.  

Yes!  I am important to many people out in this world that is outside of my family.  I have the ability to help and motivate others when they do not feel like they can accomplish their goals on their own.  I am a good friend who will tell it like it is and never pass judgment on you no matter what you do.  I am a loyal person who would never intentionally hurt someone in my life by choices I made.  I am important to many people who count on me each day with being apart of their lives in a huge way or a small way.  I am important.

I have moments and circumstances where I do not feel important but I refuse to focus on those too much. There is a whole other side of me that IS important and the people who really know me, love me and care for me and know this about me and know I am important to them too.

Don't let your past, current situation or future allow you to stay in a place where you do not feel important.  Because no matter who you are, you could be my worst enemy reading this, YOU ARE IMPORTANT.  It's okay not to feel important...it's NOT okay to live that way or allow anyone to continue to treat you that way.

Make it an IMPORTANT day.

~Mellie 

















Thursday, October 16, 2014

I am.......



If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

Sometimes I can get lost in my own head, my own reality and it can bring me to a point of weakness.  Others might try and tell me my feelings or thoughts are irrational or emotional. They tell me that my thoughts are not the truth, and that I only make them the truth in my mind but in the end I usually end up being correct and have a good sense of what is real and what is not during hard times.  Does this mean I handle it correctly and take the high road in life?  Not always.

Life IS emotional.  When things happen to us that are out of our control and either threaten us or hurt us, of course the emotions come out and take over.  How else would it be?  It's emotional when you are in pain, it is emotional when you have been wronged, it's emotional when you find out things are not the way you thought they were..  This does not make any of us emotionally unstable, it makes us human.  But what it does do to us all is prevents us from living.

I am...... alive.

Am I, really?

There are days in life where I do not want to get out of bed.  My alarm will go off at 5:30am and my first thought is "No, not again."  As if I had hoped when I laid my head on my pillow the night before I would wake up in Heaven surrounded by God, my family and the warmth and love of the Heavens.  But instead I am in my bed, in the dark facing another day.  A day of uncertainty and sometimes full of fear.

When I pulled this "I am" card out of the bag this morning  I teared up. The statement of being alive really made me look at my life in a deeper way for a moment.

Am I alive?

Do I live my life to the fullest?  Do I live each day the best way I can?  Do I honor, love and respect MYSELF each day fulfilling the command of God to live life? ("But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness."  ~Galatians 5:22)  If I have to be honest, which of course I will be, the answer is no.

Yes, I live life.  My Facebook is full of pictures, full of smiles from me and my littles, funny status updates, thoughtful status updates, adventures, silly quotes from my littles, silly quotes with pictures.  Fun and harmless bantering between friends and myself.   But if I really take a deep look into my world, especially over the past year, the answer is no, I am not living the life I set out to live.

I am in a mode that I like to call "Fake it till you make it."  I have really been living this way for sometime now.  Does this mean I am a fake person, HELL NO!.  I am about as real as you can get and sometimes too real for others to accept.  But "Fake it till you make it" means when I am low or not feeling myself I will still walk around with a smile on my face.  If I am angry with someone and we have unresolved issues I will still smile and be friendly with them even though on the inside I am struggling.  When I do not feel like working out, of course I go to the gym and do my workout anyway.  These little actions each day, all day everyday is how I live my life.  I am focused on being able to get through the moment, the hour
and the day rather than taking the time to enjoy those moments. This does not mean I do not enjoy my moments.  If you see a picture of me at a game or with my littles and we are laughing, or smiling don't think I am crying on the inside.. I am not.  What I am saying is I can do a better job at my life.

What today's "I am" card says to me is that it's time I stop living this way.  It's time that I really live like I am alive and try and have joy in my life instead of stress, worry or pain.  It's time to go out and make a new reality for myself and try and live in each moment rather than just trying to get through it.  Instead of worrying about the future or thinking about the past I just need to live... right here.. right now.. in THIS moment.  This moment is the only moment I am guaranteed and I want to make sure I give it the ultimate respect it deserves.

I do not regret my past or feel remorse for the way I have lived.  My past has brought me to this very moment today where I sit and when I look around at my family I know I am blessed. I would never regret a moment, no matter how painful it was or how ridiculous I may have acted because it brought me here and and made me.. me!!!  I am still continuing to grow as a person, a mother, and a friend.  I can accept my past and look forward to my future but live in the moment of now and enjoy that moment more than I have been. I need to learn to let go of fear and the power it has over me.  By doing this and other small acts I know that I can change the way I live my life, the way I think and the way I act to not only better myself but also better the example for my children and friends. 

The wonderful thing about each new day is that you are given the chance to do it better than the day before.  You're given the chance to learn from the day before and apply it to each day to help YOU on the path to the life you were meant to be living.  Each day is a brand new slate that is wiped clean and a brand new lease on life and I am going to do everything in my power to enjoy the clean slate!

"I am".... alive and "I am"..... ready to get busy living. 

Make it a great day!

~Mellie 






Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Life is Messy......




My morning routine is pretty typical each weekday.  I get up, wake up the littles to get them dressed and go down and make breakfast.  I take out the dogs, feed the kids, take a shower, get myself ready, make my bed and then off to school we all go.  I drop the dog at doggy-daycare and return home to finish cleaning up the morning mess.  I get a load of laundry going, both dishwashers running, I make my shakes for the morning and sit down at my desk.  I will either blog first thing or I will listen to one of my favorite speakers, James Macdonald, to hear a message of faith and hope.  I then log into my desk and begin working the for day.  This is the routine I have and it really doesn't vary too much on any given weekday.

Today , when I returned home to continue with my routine my first feeling was of distress.  I had left more dishes than I normally do, I had more picking up than normally and I began to feel stressed and pressured to hurry up and get it all done so that I did not fall behind in my morning.  As I was standing in my kitchen going through my list of tasks in my head that I needed to accomplish in my home and for work I heard a little voice speak to me.

"Mellie, it's okay.  You're so blessed. Life is messy is is not a reflection on you."

It is not a reflection on me?
What did that mean?

And just as fast as I asked myself that question I knew the answer.

It's not a reflection on me as a mother or a woman if my house is a little messy.  It's not a reflection on me that there are 6 plates in the sink that have not been loaded in the dishwasher.  It's not a refection on me if my older boys had friends over late last night and the downstairs is a mess. It's not a refection on me if my littles have 12 piles of legos set out all over the floor because they are working on some big project (as they describe it).  It's not a reflection on me if I have folded laundry on my laundry room counter that is not put away.  It's not a reflection on me if there is dog hair all over the house.

Oh wait... it IS a reflection on me, a GOOD reflection.

It came to me that I was thinking of this as a negative when really it is a positive.  Each little mess in my house reflects that kind of home I provide for my family.  I help give them security, so of course favorite blankets are laying all around the kitchen where the littles eat their breakfast.  Dirty dishes are scattered around the house because I am able to help provide them with healthy foods to eat and treats to enjoy.  Laundry is in little piles in each room because everyone has clothes to wear.  Legos take over an entire play room because imaginations are being used. The downstairs is full of empty coke cans, dishes, empty cookie boxes and 6 sleeping boys because I help provide a fun and safe location for the teenagers to all meet and stay over at.  Dog hair is all over my house because I help provide my children with a pet who they love, take care of and who also protects our home. Providing my family with a safe, happy and full of life home to live in is not a negative reflection it's the BEST reflection.

I am secure in who I am.  I am a secure woman, friend and mother. Who as I become older understand more and more not only my value in this world but that the life I live is a reflection on the life my children will have and grow to have.  If I walked around full of anxiety and stressing over little things in life, such as a messy house, than that is not walking in life at all. I am doing my children no good in their future and no good in the future of their own families.   I do a good job.  I am a good mother and I am a good friend and anyone who does not think that of me, simply does not know me for who I really am.

My house may be a little messy at times, but life is messy and I would rather die today with a house full of happy kids and little messes than a house full of stress and worries.

Have a messy day!!

~Mellie 








Monday, September 8, 2014

Dear God

Dear God,

Thank you for the blessings of my life.  Thank you for seeing me through the times in my life where I have felt lost and alone.  Even though at the time I thought you had left me I know in my heart that you were there right next to me always whispering in my soul.

Lord please bless my kids in their school year this year. Let them each have a great experience that not only brings them joy and friendships but an even greater feeling of self worth and confidence.  Speak to each of them to let them know they are loved by You and that You are always with them.  Help them know they are not alone and in times of their own darkness they will be able to see the love of You and their family.  Lay your hands on them to keep them safe and feeling safe and allow me the knowledge to guide and lead them to the path that leads to You.  Send your angels to protect them and surround them with Your grace.

Lord forgive my moments of doubt in You and forgive my desire to take control of my own life.  Help me be strong in You so that I am strong in my life.  Bring to me Your desires for my life so that I may do good in the world and in someone's life.  I know my life is to be bigger than it is, open my eyes to Your vision and open my heart to Your faith.

Hear the secrets of my soul and lead me in Your direction.

In Jesus name I pray.... amen.