Learning to stay within myself

My life, all the way back as far as I can recall, I have been a fixer. I have wanted to fix every crises, situation or uncomfortable situation that has come in my path.

I have wanted to help people in their struggles, in their decisions on whatever they need. I think that's why when some of my friends have turmoil they come to me.  Today I talked to one of those friends. I'll call her Tina. Tina sent me a text asking if she could call me. Anyone who knows me knows I hate to talk on the phone, so I knew her asking to call meant it was something big so of course I agreed.

Tina advised me she has been reading my blog and my daily challenges and trying to apply them in her marriage to Tom. (No, that's not his real name) She stated she hasn't been as diligent as I have but really is motivated by the posts and how I am on a mission to improve not only my marriage by myself. Then Tina began to cry.

Tina advised me that she had found out Tom had been having an affair.  Apparently they communicate by way of Facebook and private messages.  Tina found love letters, erotic stories between the two and pictures of body parts they were sharing with each other. Tina went on to tell me that Tom had told this woman that he was falling for her and he had never felt that way about anyone before and no one had ever made him feel so good.  Tina was beyond devastated.  I could hear the hurt in her voice, besides the tears, and I could feel her humility coming over my phone in my ear.  It occurred to me that Tina was on my phone because she needed someone to help save herself.

I have known Tina and Tom for a very long time.  She is a vibrant, outspoken woman who I have watched overcome some big obstacles in her life, including drug abuse.  Tina is the type of person who will speak her mind and can be considered a very strong individual. (Gee, I wonder why we are friends-smile)   All these years of knowing her and seeing her marriage with Tom grow I can say I was shocked to be a witness to such an emotional and intimate moment for them.

After hearing her cry and continue to say over and over again "I can't believe this is happening to me" I finally asked her "Do you love him?  I mean REALLY love him?  I am not asking if you don't want to lose him, no one wants to lose their spouse especially to another female, but do you really have that undying love for him that makes him EVERY part of your world?"  Without hesitation she said "Yes, I do."  So I responded with the only thing I knew "Then kick your ass in gear and fight for him, like you have never fought before.  He is your husband, he made a commitment to you, and she means nothing to him she is just new and exciting.  You NEED to wipe away those tears girl and fight for him."

Through the course of the conversation Tina wanted to focus on the details of the affair.  What Tom had said to this other person, what he had done.  How he was able to carry on with this person and still keep up the appearance of the husband she had at home, praising her, loving her all the things he had done all these years.  She could not grasp how he was able to carry on two lives and how she would ever be able to trust a life with him again should they stay together.   As I listened to her all I could hear in my own head was "faith in God" being repeated over and over again.  She had to put her faith in God and rebuild her marriage and trust with Tom one day at a time.

But the point of this blog is not for me to walk you through my talk with her, I don't even know if she heard anything I said. My point of this blog was that I learned something in this conversation about myself.  My own personal flaw that I have, one that gets me in trouble more times than I can count.

I have to learn to stay within myself.

I am a super charged emotional person.  My emotions can run high on just about everything.  I am passionate and get emotionally charged in all areas of my life.  When I work, I work like a horse and I take my job very personal.  My family, I would lie down and die for them and when something comes against my family I am very emotional about it.  I want to be the best at everything I do and when I fail at something or something does not work out the way I think it should... I become emotional in the wrong way about that too.

What can happen is I start reaching out for help.  I reach out to my circle of friends (very small circle) for guidance or to listen to me or to just help me get over my pain, much like my friend Tina did today.  But that never seems to get me anywhere but in a worse situation than I started in.  More times than most I end up getting that person upset as well because they don't like to see me in pain or they don't like to see me put myself back into the line of fire.  My hubby is one of these people.  He will tell me all the time... "Just don't engage with that situation anymore," but do I listen?  No.  I engage because I want to fix it.  I engage because I want to get the pain out so I can move on.  But if I would just stay within myself, trust in God that he will see me through than I know I would do a lot less damage in my life and the life of others.

My hubby can contest to this, how many times I have been emotionally charged at him and just lashed out only to feel awful when it was over.  Granted, some situations he provoked me. (Smile)  But the end result that I am looking for is not to push him away, yet that is what happens.  Then it takes a while for us both to come together again.  I know I am not the only one who does this.

I guess I share this with my blog because I want to put the thought out there....
Learn to stay within yourself.

Don't react to situations right away; get over the emotional charge you feel at first.  Pray for guidance, peace and the proper way to deal with things.  I think in the end we would all be a little better off and we would have a lot less hurt feelings in our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

I don't know what is going to happen to Tina and Tom, but I know I am going to pray that he will see that the hurt his wife is feeling is like no other and he can sit with her, listen to her and let her share that pain.  Then and only then can they begin to heal together and he can explain to her what drove that affair so they can rebuild should they choose to.  I hope they choose too, they are really good together.

~Mellie