Great things just don't happen......

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe

 

For a while now I have been mucking through my life. First it seemed like it was just a few days here and there, however the days turned into weeks and now have evolved into months. I could not really put my finger on what exactly was wrong or missing in my life but I just knew that I was not feeling myself. I tried to play it off that it was the MS. Rationalized it by saying my body was not use to the daily injections of my medication and was probably messing with my system, thus messing with my mind and my moods. Don't misunderstand me, looking in from the outside I was still Mellie. I was still working, going to the gym, taking care of my hubby, kids and friends and I still had that Mellie smile on my face. But on the inside, I was a child in a ball on the floor in the corner of a room sobbing. Life has a funny way of tossing you some major situations to deal with. Sometimes you get the same situation handed to you repeatedly. Just when you think you made it and overcame that obstacle the same obstacle wearing different sheep skin comes at you again and you are back at square one wondering "why the hell does this keep happening to me?"

I am a person of Faith. I truly believe in my heart that there is a God and a Heaven and one day I will be lucky enough to live out my Eternity there with my loved ones. Along with this faith comes an understanding that if I pray hard enough and I try and be the best person I can be then God will grant me the life I so badly want. This life is not a life of luxury. It is not a life of unimaginable trips. It is not a life of possessions. The life I desire is a life of love and peace where every day I can feel safe in my skin, in my heart. It's a life wherein I am so strong—I can demonstrate to my children that they have the ability to have this life too, without having to go through the years of struggles that I have endured. A few weeks ago I found myself on a path I had been on before but never thought I would be on again. Just like that I was swooped back into chaos and self-destruction feeling as if I was drowning in a sea. The details of the event never matter, because it is never about the event. The real message and lesson is beyond the actual event that can bring you to your knees and it's up to us to understand what the lesson is. I feel as humans we are so quick to place blame and excuse our own actions that take part in a problem that we forget to look for the lesson in it all. With this event all the past months finally became clear to me and I knew what was wrong. I have lost my faith. Here I thought something medically was going on with me but I forgot to think about my soul and what was spiritually going on instead. I have no faith left. This does not mean I do not believe in God, it just means I can no longer hear him inside of my soul and heart. Has there been so much pain, so much devastation and anger in my life that I have pushed Him out of my soul? This is a very hard topic for me to discuss, not only because it scares me to know I have lost my faith it also shows a weakness in me that I do not like to show. 

 

The battle in my mind and my heart is more than anyone can fully understand, including myself. My battle is not a battle of suicidal thoughts, but there is not one day I do not wish God would just take me home... today.  

 

I feel like God has brought me here for a reason. He has not abandoned me, but He has removed himself so that I can see a bigger picture and a bigger lesson in my life.  I sit in this dark place, lost, alone and to find the ultimate love and ultimate peace and to be brought back into the grace of God.

I joined an on line journaling  challenge this week.  The purpose of this challenge is to learn to dedicate time to journal as a form of meditation, exploring myself and possibly taking it to another level of "writing."   The first challenge topic today is:

"What is something you want to know MORE about?"

This comes to me at the perfect time due to the state my mind is currently in.  Here I feel I have lost my faith and rather than sitting her and feeling sorry for myself or continue to feel lost I see this as a chance to explore my faith and learn more about it.  Learn more about the words of the bible, learn more about my purpose on this Earth, learn more about myself and learn more about the person I am and who I want to continue to grow to be.  So if I had to say what that something is, that I want to learn more about,  I would say it is me!!!!!

I have to feel my way through my darkness and I have to find the light.  My life is full of love, family and friends and I can not be sitting in this place long I have too much going for me and I have too many people who depend on me.  I have asked for help from a few people to help "save me" but in the end I have to turn to God to save me and I have to look within myself to save me, no one can do it for me.  I can depend on others but I can not sit and wait for them to save me.

This journey is going to take me back to my childhood, I just know it.  This is a topic of my life that I avoid at all costs because when I look back on it as an adult it is so sad to me.  My thoughts have always been do not look back only look forward but I am learning, for myself, I have to express these painful memories so that I can wrap my head around them, embrace them, understand them, understand the lesson and then move on so I can put them to bed. 

This will not make me weak, this will not mean I am living in the past or using my childhood as an excuse but rather a chance to evaluate that time in my life and put it to rest.  Put my feelings I had during the time out there to be accepted and understood and then understand how it has made me who I am today.

This will be an interesting journey for me and one that I am a little nervous about but I truly feel is right for me at this time.  It all starts with today, and I believe I am headed in the right direction.