When I was younger and in school I can recall always wanting to "fit in." My family moved a lot when I was young so being in a school for a long period of time, usually more than a year, was not common for myself or my brothers. It was not until I got older and moved away from my mother that I spent a long period of time at one location. This made it difficult for me to find a core group of friends to bond with. When I reached High School I lived with a girlfriend and her family and was able to reconnect with friends I had in middle school but I really only hung out with a handful of people.
I can recall in High School not having a real identity of who I was, lets face it who really does at such a young age, and I can remember trying to determine what sort of crowd I wanted to be associated with. However, it always seemed like I could never find a crowd that really spoke to who I felt like I was on the inside. So High School, for me, became my job. A job I knew I had to do but had my sights on completing and getting out of as soon as I was able.
Once I graduated I knew within myself it was time to finally be me. I was not going to worry about what others thought of me. I was not going to try and be something I was not or do anything that I did not like doing because someone else wanted me to. I started to find myself growing into a person who lead people vs. following them.
This card speaks to me today because I know in the depths of my heart I am a real person. I do not put on a show for others so they will think of me one way when I am really another. I do not pretend to be someone I am not and I do not apologize for being who I am. I have really came to a place in my life where this is who I am.... take me or leave me but you will not make me.
I think each and everyone of us has or is still trying to find their place in this world. I think we all strive to be a better person and a person who has an impact on other peoples lives in one way or another. In this regard I am still searching for that part of me, trying to improve that characteristic. I know in my heart I was meant to do something a little bit bigger than what I am currently doing. But I know in my journey of determining this path, I am a real person who does not put on an act for anyone.
I see so many people in my day to day life trying to be something they are not. Trying to impress someone else to make them fall in love or like them. Some try to portray themselves as being more successful than they are. Some try and make themselves fit into a mold of what they think others want them to be, but you can clearly see through them. Not only seeing that they are not able to fit into that mold but also that they do not belong in that mold. I see behind their eyes that the life they are living is not the one they want to live or thought they would end up living. This does not mean they are not happy but I can see that they are not being who they really are on the inside.
We all have an "idea" of what our lives should look like. Some have bigger ideas than others and some do not push themselves hard enough for the potential that they have. But we all have the ability to be true to our feelings and true to our own desires, thus making us true to ourselves. We are not meant to fall into a crowd and disappear or hide behind the group. We are meant to stand up and stand out and be passionate about life and our own desires. We are not meant to conform into a mold of what someone else wants us to be, rather we are to create the mold that we want and find someone who can love and appreciate what we molded ourselves into.
As I am getting older my immortality is becoming more real to me because people I know or actors I grew up with are starting to pass away. Seeing this kind of loss makes me realize I have to appreciate every moment I have on this earth and live my life to the fullest that I can in each moment. I do not have time to try and be someone I am not. I have to be true to myself and true to my life so that it is not wasted and I do not face too many regrets at the end of my days. In addition I want to be able to demonstrate to my own kids that I lived MY life the way I wanted to. I made no excuses for my decisions and I was a good person who everyone knew exactly where they stood with me. This does not mean I live for me only, that is far from my truth, it just means that I know who I am and I am genuine.
I sometimes wonder when I pass away who would speak on my behalf at my celebration of life and what kind of words would they say about me? Death has a tendency to glorify a person after they are gone and people will say things that might be a stretch of the truth about the person who has passed. I like to think that when I go, there will be no stretching of the truth. People who know me know that I am a stand up person and I am a person of compassion and passion for what I believe in. I live my life not trying to impress anyone but rather impress on them the life they are living can be so much more if we just push ourselves out of our comfort zones. I work hard for what I have and where I am, knowing nothing in this life was ever handed to me. I had to go out and fight for it with blood, sweat, tears and give a part of myself every time to achieve the goals I had and have. This makes me proud of who I am and proud that I am..... genuine.
Are you living a genuine life?
~Mellie
