Learning to stay within myself

My life, all the way back as far as I can recall, I have been a fixer. I have wanted to fix every crises, situation or uncomfortable situation that has come in my path.

I have wanted to help people in their struggles, in their decisions on whatever they need. I think that's why when some of my friends have turmoil they come to me.  Today I talked to one of those friends. I'll call her Tina. Tina sent me a text asking if she could call me. Anyone who knows me knows I hate to talk on the phone, so I knew her asking to call meant it was something big so of course I agreed.

Tina advised me she has been reading my blog and my daily challenges and trying to apply them in her marriage to Tom. (No, that's not his real name) She stated she hasn't been as diligent as I have but really is motivated by the posts and how I am on a mission to improve not only my marriage by myself. Then Tina began to cry.

Tina advised me that she had found out Tom had been having an affair.  Apparently they communicate by way of Facebook and private messages.  Tina found love letters, erotic stories between the two and pictures of body parts they were sharing with each other. Tina went on to tell me that Tom had told this woman that he was falling for her and he had never felt that way about anyone before and no one had ever made him feel so good.  Tina was beyond devastated.  I could hear the hurt in her voice, besides the tears, and I could feel her humility coming over my phone in my ear.  It occurred to me that Tina was on my phone because she needed someone to help save herself.

I have known Tina and Tom for a very long time.  She is a vibrant, outspoken woman who I have watched overcome some big obstacles in her life, including drug abuse.  Tina is the type of person who will speak her mind and can be considered a very strong individual. (Gee, I wonder why we are friends-smile)   All these years of knowing her and seeing her marriage with Tom grow I can say I was shocked to be a witness to such an emotional and intimate moment for them.

After hearing her cry and continue to say over and over again "I can't believe this is happening to me" I finally asked her "Do you love him?  I mean REALLY love him?  I am not asking if you don't want to lose him, no one wants to lose their spouse especially to another female, but do you really have that undying love for him that makes him EVERY part of your world?"  Without hesitation she said "Yes, I do."  So I responded with the only thing I knew "Then kick your ass in gear and fight for him, like you have never fought before.  He is your husband, he made a commitment to you, and she means nothing to him she is just new and exciting.  You NEED to wipe away those tears girl and fight for him."

Through the course of the conversation Tina wanted to focus on the details of the affair.  What Tom had said to this other person, what he had done.  How he was able to carry on with this person and still keep up the appearance of the husband she had at home, praising her, loving her all the things he had done all these years.  She could not grasp how he was able to carry on two lives and how she would ever be able to trust a life with him again should they stay together.   As I listened to her all I could hear in my own head was "faith in God" being repeated over and over again.  She had to put her faith in God and rebuild her marriage and trust with Tom one day at a time.

But the point of this blog is not for me to walk you through my talk with her, I don't even know if she heard anything I said. My point of this blog was that I learned something in this conversation about myself.  My own personal flaw that I have, one that gets me in trouble more times than I can count.

I have to learn to stay within myself.

I am a super charged emotional person.  My emotions can run high on just about everything.  I am passionate and get emotionally charged in all areas of my life.  When I work, I work like a horse and I take my job very personal.  My family, I would lie down and die for them and when something comes against my family I am very emotional about it.  I want to be the best at everything I do and when I fail at something or something does not work out the way I think it should... I become emotional in the wrong way about that too.

What can happen is I start reaching out for help.  I reach out to my circle of friends (very small circle) for guidance or to listen to me or to just help me get over my pain, much like my friend Tina did today.  But that never seems to get me anywhere but in a worse situation than I started in.  More times than most I end up getting that person upset as well because they don't like to see me in pain or they don't like to see me put myself back into the line of fire.  My hubby is one of these people.  He will tell me all the time... "Just don't engage with that situation anymore," but do I listen?  No.  I engage because I want to fix it.  I engage because I want to get the pain out so I can move on.  But if I would just stay within myself, trust in God that he will see me through than I know I would do a lot less damage in my life and the life of others.

My hubby can contest to this, how many times I have been emotionally charged at him and just lashed out only to feel awful when it was over.  Granted, some situations he provoked me. (Smile)  But the end result that I am looking for is not to push him away, yet that is what happens.  Then it takes a while for us both to come together again.  I know I am not the only one who does this.

I guess I share this with my blog because I want to put the thought out there....
Learn to stay within yourself.

Don't react to situations right away; get over the emotional charge you feel at first.  Pray for guidance, peace and the proper way to deal with things.  I think in the end we would all be a little better off and we would have a lot less hurt feelings in our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

I don't know what is going to happen to Tina and Tom, but I know I am going to pray that he will see that the hurt his wife is feeling is like no other and he can sit with her, listen to her and let her share that pain.  Then and only then can they begin to heal together and he can explain to her what drove that affair so they can rebuild should they choose to.  I hope they choose too, they are really good together.

~Mellie

The Love Dare- Day Twelve

Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse.  Tell them you are putting their preference first.

Love lets the other win-  If you were asked to name three areas where you and your spouse disagree, you'd likely be able to do with without thinking very hard.  Sadly, unless someone in your marriage starts doing some giving in, these same issues are going to keep popping up between you and your spouse.  Though these issues may not crop up every day, they keep resurfacing and don't really go away.  You never seem to get any closer to a resolution or compromise and generally one spouse ends up resenting the other.  Jesus gives us an example of how to deal with each other in areas of conflict, it's learning the word "willing." Jesus wants us to follow the progression of His selfless love.  He had every right to refuse becoming man but yielded and did- because He was willing.  He had the right to be served by all mankind but came to serve us instead.  He had the right to live in peace and safety but willingly laid down His life for our sins. He was even willing to endure the grueling torture of the cross.  In light of this amazing testimony, the Bible applies to us a one-sentence summary statement:  "Have the attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus."  The very moment one spouse can say to the other, "I'm willing to go your way on this one," the argument will be over.  It may cost you pride and discomfort but you have made a loving and lasting investment in your marriage.  You may fear looking foolish or be at a lost of control, but you've already looked foolish by being bullheaded and refusing to listen.  You lose control by making the issue at hand more important that your marriage. Instead of treating your wife or husband like your enemy or someone to be guarded against, start be treating them as your closest, most honored friend.  Give their words full weight.

I tell you, that last statement:  "Instead of treating your wife or husband like your enemy or someone to be guarded against, start be treating them as your closest, most honored friend.  Give their words full weight."  Those are some powerful words.

There have been numerous times where I can look back and as much as my hubby and I proclaim we are best friends we sure have been at each other like worst enemies.  We put up our guard, we have not confided in each other, kept things from each other and at times have kept each other at an arms length for protection of ones self.  That sure doesn't sound like two people who are best friends.  I am just as guilty of this as he may be as well but until I read that statement I never really took into account what my actions may be causing in our marriage under the surface.

I took this challenge to heart because like the chapter describes issues are cropping up all the time and they never get fully resolved.  It is usually one of us shutting down and then sweeping the issue under the rug.  I know as a woman I want to talk the issue out.  Dissect it, determine what caused the issue, figure out how to resolve the issue and then find out how to prevent it from occurring again.  This is how I want to treat just about every problem that comes my way.  My hubby couldn't be more opposite of me.  He is the type where when an issue arises he just wants to fix it and move on never to speak of it again or think of it again.  (I think most men are like this and most women are like me) But sure as it is stated in this chapter... those issues if not resolved never stop coming up, they are like a thorn in your side that you just refuse to pull out.  Well, I pulled one out last night.

Reading the words " I'm willing to go your way on this one" was like reading  foreign language to me, not that I have never given in but the issues that are on our table are too big for me to even think about uttering these words... till I read my chapter.

So I set out on a mission.  I thought and I prayed and I asked God to lead me to the issue that I was to not only continue to turn over to God but to announce to my hubby I was going to give in on it and God answered my prayers.  Last night, during a time where my hubby and I were alone and relaxed I let him know that I was going to let go of this issue.  I asked him to help me let go by doing something that would assist me and then I told him that I was going to just trust in him and his intentions and I knew I was making the right choice.  I told him I did not want this to come between us anymore and I would just trust in his actions with it.  At first my hubby was trying to appease me as well and offered solutions and asked me to just wait and I would see the change.  I listened to him and I made sure to give his words weight but then I simply responded again with please, just do this and let me let go of it... I trust in you.  So he agreed and thanked me for trusting him.

That was BIG.  Big for me because I have to let go, big for me because it is such a sore subject in our marriage.  But it was or will be big for him too because it will show to him that I am willing to trust and I am willing to allow him to lead the family in this area and do what he thinks is best.  No more questions from me, no more accusations, no more checking to make sure things are falling into place just me letting him do his thing for the good of our family.  (Is it getting hot in here???)  KIDDING!!!!!!

I have said this before.... I started this challenge to help my friends and do it with them in hopes to help their marriages but I also set out to do it not for my hubby but for me.  I want to be a better person, I want to be a better wife.  I want to put my trust in God and have a faith that is so strong nothing will come against me.  I am happy I am doing this and I am happy that I am learning the areas of my life I need to work on while hopefully building a stronger marriage.  One person said to me that it seems like I am putting in all the work....... well, what is wrong with that?  God tells me what kind of wife to be..... I think I better listen to him versus what the world thinks I should do.  I tried that for 40 years.... look where it got me.

~Mellie
***I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Don't give up on me.

One day I was looking around iTunes and I found this song called, Don't give up on me.  It is by The Lost Trailers and on iTunes is the only place I can find the song.  I have searched high and low for it on YouTube with no luck.

I love the words to this song because they speak a truth about marriage.  One spouse is giving it their all and begging for the forgiveness and patience of the other spouse.  "Don't give up on me."  My favorite part of the song is when the singer says "You're the only one who can ever love the Devil out of me."

Just wanted to share this with anyone out there who is asking their significant other or spouse to please.... Don't give up on me.

THE PICTURES ON THE WALL

THEY DON’T SHOW IT ALL

THEY DON’T TELL THE WHOLE STORY

NOT THE UPS AND DOWNS

OR THE TURNAROUNDS

THAT IS YOU AND ME

THEY SHOW THE SMILING FACES

AND THE PRETTY PLACES

THAT WE’VE BEEN

NOT YOU’RE CRYING EYES

OR MY LYING EYES

THEY DON’T SHOW THE THING YOU SEE……

THERE’S A NEW MAN I WANT YOU TO SEE

JUST DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

YOU’VE  SEEN MY MANY STAGES

ALL THE CHANGES THAT I HAVE BEEN THROUGH

OH……. MY DAYTIME TROUBLES

MY NIGHTTIME STRUGGLES

EVERY WAR I HAVE FOUGHT'EN

YOU HAVE FOUGHT'EN TOO

THAT’S WHY I AM DOWN HERE ON MY KNEES

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

LIKE THE SUN WON’T GIVE UP ON THE LIGHT

SEAS WON’T GIVE UP ON THE TIDE

BABY, THAT’S JUST YOU AND I

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

BECAUSE IN MY DARKEST HOUR

YOU’RE THE ANGEL THAT I NEED

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EVER LOVE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME

SO DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

I KNOW YOU NEED A MAN THAT CAN BE STRONG

AND I’M THE ONE YOU CAN DEPEND ON… ALWAYS DEPEND ON

SO DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

LIKE THE SUN WON’T GIVE UP ON THE LIGHT

SEAS WON’T GIVE UP ON THE TIDE

BABY, THAT’S JUST YOU AND I

DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

BECAUSE IN MY DARKEST HOUR

YOU’RE THE ANGEL THAT I NEED

YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EVER LOVE THE DEVIL OUT OF ME

SO DON’T GIVE UP ON ME

THE PICTURES ON THE WALL

THEY DON’T SHOW IT ALL

THEY DON’T TELL THE WHOLE STORY

The Love Dare- Day Eleven

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?  Can you run an errand?  Give him a back rub or foot massage?  Is there housework you could help with?  Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

Love cherishes- Consider these two scenarios.  A man's older car begins to have serious problems; so much he is told it would need a complete overhaul that will force the man to almost deplete his savings to repair it.   Another man crushes his hand in a piece of equipment.  He goes to the ER where he is told he is going to need surgery to repair the hand, it will need a cast, and then he will need to gingerly nurse it back to health over a period of time.  The treatments are expensive and will deplete most of his savings.  The problem with our culture is that marriage is more often treated like the first scenario.  When relationships experience difficulties, more often than not people are encouraged to dump their spouse for a "newer model."  People who do this do not understand the true bond of marriage, the bond between a husband and wife is more like the second scenario.  You are part of each other. You would never cut off your hand, you would spend top dollar to repair it with any medical treatment possible.  You do this because your hand is part of you and so is your spouse.  Ephesians 5:28-29 says "Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it."  You mistreat your spouse, you are also mistreating yourself. It's time to let love change your thinking. It's time for you to realize that your spouse is as much a part of you as your own hand.  Your spouse, too, needs to be loved and cherished. And if your spouse is causing pain and frustration, then you should care for these with the same love and tenderness as you would your body.  Think about how you treat your spouse.  Do you cherish them?  Do you treat them with respect and tenderness?  Do you honor them in the eyes of the world? Do you take pleasure in who they are?  Or do you make them feel foolish, embarrassed and disrespected?  Don't allow the culture around you to determine the worth of your marriage.  To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it.  Whenever a husband looks into the eyes of his wife, he should remember "he who loves his wife loves himself." And a wife should remember that when she loves him, she is also giving love and honor to herself. Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

I have been sitting here reading this chapter over and over again and I am flooded with emotions. It would be easy to tell myself that I was successful in this challenge yesterday because I did do a gesture for my hubby that was my way of telling him I cherish him and love him.  Plus I did do it with a smile.  I let him relax after dinner and gave him a back rub, which I love to do for him.  But that is not really the meat and potatoes of this challenge.

 It would be really easy to sit here and read this and tell myself that this is something my hubby should be reading, that just like the chapter says and the bible verse says
"Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it."  But what I need to do is step back and look at my actions towards my hubby and define my treatment of him thus defining my treatment of myself.

The chapter asks me to ask myself:

Think about how you treat your spouse.  

Do you cherish them?  

Do you treat them with respect and tenderness?  

Do you honor them in the eyes of the world? 

Do you take pleasure in who they are?  

Or do you make them feel foolish, embarrassed and disrespected? 

I do cherish my husband.

I TRY and treat him with respect and tenderness. But am I using my definition of respect or his?

I TRY and honor him in the eyes of the world. But if I am frustrated and speak to a freind about my frustrations towards my hubby is this honoring him?  No.

I do take pleasure in who he is? Yes, I enjoy him as a person and he is my best friend, yet am I always trying to change his behaviors? 

I don't try and make him feel foolish, embarrassed or disrespected but again am I going by my definition of these words or his?

I find myself trying to say yes to each one of these questions but then I have to turn and look at myself through the eyes of my spouse and ask how he would answer these questions.  I am sure they would not be the answers I would think.

Yes, the meat and potatoes of this exercise was not about giving him a back rub it was about understanding how I treat him as a part of me.  How I nurture him as I would my own broken hand.  I currently and will continue to devote all that I have into nurturing him and our marriage and I am determined to be the wife God wants me to be so there will be no trading in for a new model for this girl.  But, to do so, I have to learn to dig deeper into my ways of nourishment and ask God for direction more and actually LISTEN to His direction.  

I love myself.  I want to live a full and happy life.  I want to feel loved, safe, secure, have no fears and live in the light of the Lord.  I want all of these things for me, so I must give all of these things to my hubby too.  Because when a wife loves her spouse, she is also giving love and honor to herself.

This was a good chapter for me, and today I am going to speak highly of my hubby, nourish and cherish him because he is the love of my life.  I have some work to do.

~Mellie