Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

What is home......

"Never make your home in a place.  Make a home for yourself inside your own head.  You'll find what you need to furnish it-memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things.  That way it will go with you wherever your journey."  ~Tad Williams

As part of my journal challenge this is what has been presented to me today:

"I am going to ask that you write three things you are really grateful for today before you even get started.  Then, How do you describe home?

  1. I am grateful for my friend who is always there for me.  She never judges me, never lectures me and only encourages me and reminds me that I am a beautiful person inside and out who motivates others even on my darkest days.
  2. I am grateful for grace
  3. I am grateful for pictures.  They serve as a memory of good times, growth and changes in the lives of my family.  I love going back and looking at pictures of myself, my hubby and our kids over the years.

When first presented with the question "How do you describe home" of course my mind went to the dwelling I live in.  But as I sit and stare at the computer screen my mind wonders to other areas of my brain.

Home is love.  Home is where I feel safe, the light shines on my face at all times and love surrounds me like a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer.  Home is a quiet and peaceful place that is also full of the noise of children playing, dogs barking and laughter.  Home is where there are no fears, no secrets, no lies and no second guessing.  Home is full of patience, grace, forgiveness and growth. Home is a place where I breathe easily and sleep soundly.  Home is where I sing and where music surrounds me daily.  Home is the warmth of a touch and the softness of a kiss.  Home is butterflies and excitement filled with the anticipation of the what the day will bring.  Home is a smile that shines ear to ear on all my children, my hubby and myself.  Home is the ultimate love.  


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Mellie The Pisces.... I will walk on the water too......

The Pisces Woman: February 19 - March 20
The Pisces temperament is gentle, romantic, caring, compassionate, and spiritual. Pisces rules the subconscious mind, and so it follows that her dreams are vivid and meaningful, even prophetic. You've got quite a glamorous sparkler on your hands--Elizabeth Taylor, Sharon Stone and Cindy Crawford are all dazzling Pisces, and each in their own way reflects the reserved and unpretentious Pisces nature. Your Pisces enchantress almost always has large and beautiful eyes which mirror her feelings openly and she could be prone to cry easily. Soft and ultra-feminine, she will put your needs ahead of hers.

                    Her feelings are very sensitive and easily hurt, so be careful how you address her. In any relationship, she likes to proceed gradually, perhaps at a slower pace than you would like. But rush her and your little fish will disappear into the depths of the sea.

                    She's mystical and poetic and she needs a regular outlet for her creative expressions. Her sign rules all non-verbal communication--symbols, gesture, dance, art, and poetry--and the Pisces woman is highly intuitive. She trusts her feelings and she reads body language perfectly, so don't try to say one thing and mean another--she will catch on quickly. Pisces will need to be alone occasionally to recharge and refresh herself, so allow her time for that. 
She's caring and sensitive to her man, but can easily be so self-effacing that she forgets her own needs. Her urge to relieve suffering in others is as strong as the life force and it is the single most important element of her nature to understand. Some people will sometimes take advantage of her good nature. Her man should help her by reminding her that it's OK to say no to favors others ask of her. At times the world can have a wearing-down effect on her self-confidence, which sometimes needs rebuilding in even the strongest Pisces women. When Pisces is hurt, she will build her own version of the world to protect herself, preferring to live in a world of dreams until she feels she is ready for re-entry into reality. Realize this is not a weakness--she will always come back--and the worst thing you could say to this fragile beauty is "Get real, or get over it!"

                    Give her a book of romantic poetry, like that of Edna St. Vincent Millay or a beautiful black & white photograph of a couple kissing. Or give her music, perhaps something soothing and spiritual, that will speak to her feelings she holds deep inside her. 
Buy her clothing in one of her favorite shades of violet, blue or sea green. She loves lace, and soft sweaters that make her feel warm and secure.  Sparkling jewels look especially beautiful on her, so consider surprising her with diamonds, amethysts or aquamarine stones. In choosing a restaurant, pick a dark, private, romantic place filled with flowers. She loves to dance (Pisces rules the feet) so take her to a club with a great band. She also loves the movies, for her ruler, Neptune, rules film and she can easily lose herself in the story. Finally, surprise her a deluxe shower head for her bathroom (Pisces is a water sign), promising her that the two of you will play under it soon.
Sex to Pisces is spiritual. She simply cannot sleep with a man she isn't in love with. She's worth waiting for--her natural sense of rhythm and grace in body movement makes her a fabulous lover. This does not preclude her from having fun with her lover--that is a certainty--but she will need a full commitment of love from you before surrendering.
No other sign loves costume and fantasy as much as Pisces does, so when you get to know her well, suggest you both go shopping together for an outfit to wear in the bedroom--a French maid? Cleopatra? Elvira, Mistress of the Dark? Her rich imagination needs fantasy, so you will be on the right track. If she is a reserved Pisces, give her a gift-wrapped bottle of her favorite scent tucked inside the pocket of a new luxurious terry robe. She'll be happy to try her new robe on and her rule will be that she wear nothing else. Then draw her close to you, turn on the water in the bath and take a long, passionate and steamy soak together. Afterwards, be sure to rub on some of the softy scented cream that you bought and let nature take its course!
My hubby and I were out last night together for dinner and as a chance to unwind together.  We were sitting at the bar at a local establishment that we love to go to when a woman, two chairs over from me grabbed my attention by commenting on the jewels I was wearing.  She shared with me how she admired my wedding ring and the contrast it had with my watch as well as a pink gem ring I was wearing.  As I humbly thanked her I caressed the back of my hubby and advised the woman that I was very spoiled.  She then noticed the ring on the hand I used to caress the back of my hubby and asked if she could see it.
This ring is my newest gift for our anniversary this last December.  It is a square amethyst surrounded by pink and white diamonds and it is simply stunning.  The woman questioned my date of birth to which I said "February 25th."  She smiled and said "Mine is February 23rd."  We exchanged a smile and I said "Power to the Pisces."
The woman gave me the warmest look and we began to have a simple yet moving exchange of thoughts.  For the purpose of describing this exchange I am going to call her Mary.
Mary:  "We are VERY intuitive."
Me:  "Yes...?"
Mary:  "It is something many do not understand, but ( as she leans back in her chair and straightens her back as if to drive her point home)  We are very intuitive and need to learn to embrace that strength." 
Me:  "It's funny that you say that I am looking to explore that side of me more so I can understand it better."
Mary:  May I ask how old you are?
Me:  "40 years old."
Mary:  "It was just about that time for me that what I was feeling WAS real.  Stop trying to tell yourself it is not real.  It is real, everything you feel is real and you need to understand it and accept it."
Me:  "Wow, those are some powerful words."
Mary:  "Do you get it?"
Me:  "Yes, I get it."
Mary:  It REALLY is what you are feeling, stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.
Me:  "Okay."
A few moments later my hubby and I got up to leave for the night.  Mary's words were ringing in my head and I was almost in a state of being numb.  I felt as if this stranger had just spoken to my soul and answered my questions I had been having in my most inner thoughts for months. 
I walked over to her chair and I put my hand on her shoulder and said to her, " Thank you for your words, you will never understand the impact they had on me and will continue to have on me and  I appreciate you sharing them with me."  Mary smiled and said "It's divine intervention."  I looked at her and said "It must be."  Mary said one last thing to me, "Remember, what you feel is real...don't let those feelings kick you in the ass!"  We wished each other well and to have  safe night and off my hubby and I went.
I shared this experience with two of m girlfriends who one told me Mary was a gift from God, he hand delivered a message to you  and the other told me the answers were in front of me.
It is amazing the people we meet in our lives and it is even more amazing how the ones we will never see again can touch us in a way that may not fully be understood.
My blog yesterday was about learning more about myself.  Three hours after that bog was this encounter and I what I learned is I need to be more open to people around me that I do not know, their messages and what I may teach them or what they can teach me.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Great things just don't happen......

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe
For a while now I have been mucking through my life. First it seemed like it was just a few days here and there, however the days turned into weeks and now have evolved into months. I could not really put my finger on what exactly was wrong or missing in my life but I just knew that I was not feeling myself. I tried to play it off that it was the MS. Rationalized it by saying my body was not use to the daily injections of my medication and was probably messing with my system, thus messing with my mind and my moods. Don't misunderstand me, looking in from the outside I was still Mellie. I was still working, going to the gym, taking care of my hubby, kids and friends and I still had that Mellie smile on my face. But on the inside, I was a child in a ball on the floor in the corner of a room sobbing. Life has a funny way of tossing you some major situations to deal with. Sometimes you get the same situation handed to you repeatedly. Just when you think you made it and overcame that obstacle the same obstacle wearing different sheep skin comes at you again and you are back at square one wondering "why the hell does this keep happening to me?"

I am a person of Faith. I truly believe in my heart that there is a God and a Heaven and one day I will be lucky enough to live out my Eternity there with my loved ones. Along with this faith comes an understanding that if I pray hard enough and I try and be the best person I can be then God will grant me the life I so badly want. This life is not a life of luxury. It is not a life of unimaginable trips. It is not a life of possessions. The life I desire is a life of love and peace where every day I can feel safe in my skin, in my heart. It's a life wherein I am so strong—I can demonstrate to my children that they have the ability to have this life too, without having to go through the years of struggles that I have endured. A few weeks ago I found myself on a path I had been on before but never thought I would be on again. Just like that I was swooped back into chaos and self-destruction feeling as if I was drowning in a sea. The details of the event never matter, because it is never about the event. The real message and lesson is beyond the actual event that can bring you to your knees and it's up to us to understand what the lesson is. I feel as humans we are so quick to place blame and excuse our own actions that take part in a problem that we forget to look for the lesson in it all. With this event all the past months finally became clear to me and I knew what was wrong. I have lost my faith. Here I thought something medically was going on with me but I forgot to think about my soul and what was spiritually going on instead. I have no faith left. This does not mean I do not believe in God, it just means I can no longer hear him inside of my soul and heart. Has there been so much pain, so much devastation and anger in my life that I have pushed Him out of my soul? This is a very hard topic for me to discuss, not only because it scares me to know I have lost my faith it also shows a weakness in me that I do not like to show. 
The battle in my mind and my heart is more than anyone can fully understand, including myself. My battle is not a battle of suicidal thoughts, but there is not one day I do not wish God would just take me home... today.  
I feel like God has brought me here for a reason. He has not abandoned me, but He has removed himself so that I can see a bigger picture and a bigger lesson in my life.  I sit in this dark place, lost, alone and to find the ultimate love and ultimate peace and to be brought back into the grace of God.

I joined an on line journaling  challenge this week.  The purpose of this challenge is to learn to dedicate time to journal as a form of meditation, exploring myself and possibly taking it to another level of "writing."   The first challenge topic today is:

"What is something you want to know MORE about?"

This comes to me at the perfect time due to the state my mind is currently in.  Here I feel I have lost my faith and rather than sitting her and feeling sorry for myself or continue to feel lost I see this as a chance to explore my faith and learn more about it.  Learn more about the words of the bible, learn more about my purpose on this Earth, learn more about myself and learn more about the person I am and who I want to continue to grow to be.  So if I had to say what that something is, that I want to learn more about,  I would say it is me!!!!!

I have to feel my way through my darkness and I have to find the light.  My life is full of love, family and friends and I can not be sitting in this place long I have too much going for me and I have too many people who depend on me.  I have asked for help from a few people to help "save me" but in the end I have to turn to God to save me and I have to look within myself to save me, no one can do it for me.  I can depend on others but I can not sit and wait for them to save me.

This journey is going to take me back to my childhood, I just know it.  This is a topic of my life that I avoid at all costs because when I look back on it as an adult it is so sad to me.  My thoughts have always been do not look back only look forward but I am learning, for myself, I have to express these painful memories so that I can wrap my head around them, embrace them, understand them, understand the lesson and then move on so I can put them to bed. 

This will not make me weak, this will not mean I am living in the past or using my childhood as an excuse but rather a chance to evaluate that time in my life and put it to rest.  Put my feelings I had during the time out there to be accepted and understood and then understand how it has made me who I am today.

This will be an interesting journey for me and one that I am a little nervous about but I truly feel is right for me at this time.  It all starts with today, and I believe I am headed in the right direction.