Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Friday, June 26, 2015

What Dreams May Come....

I believe in God. 

In that belief comes the understanding there is one road that we all go down and we ultimately choose the path that will lead us to Heaven or Hell.  I do believe in these two destinations and I do believe in Evil in this world. Regardless if I go to Church or not these beliefs are a part of my true core as a person.

Do I live the life that God wants me to live?  No.
Do I worship the way that God expects me to?  No.

I know my relationship with my God is far from where I want to to be and far from where HE wants me to be and it is never far from my mind.  I know I am a good person and I know I live a decent life with morals and family values.  I have many areas that do not please God and it's up to me to work on those areas.

Last night I was asleep in my room. Elianna was asleep on the floor next to me and Reuben was on the floor at the foot of my bed.  I recall falling asleep and the only thing I can recall being on my mind was the events of the weekend for the kids and how I was going to manage to get it all done.

Somewhere during my sleep I became aware that I could not move my body.  I was awake in my mind but I could not get my body to respond.  I was in a dark room filled with this piercing sound ringing in my ears.  It was the sound of an animal being hurt and screaming in pain and the low roar of a noise I can not explain.  It was constant and it was loud.  I remember yelling at myself "Michelle, wake up, this is not real you are dreaming."  But nothing was getting me out of that moment.  As the noise continued on and fear grew inside me I came face to face with a floating image.  It was not like a head, like in the movies, it was the outline of a face with eyes, a mouth and a nose and it scared me.  It was not a face of peace but a face of evil.  I recall screaming at at and still trying to wake myself up.  I could hear my outer voice moaning in my sleep and crying out as the screams and roars in the room I was in got louder.  Then the next thing I knew there was a hand on my arm, my reality arm not the dream arm, and I could hear someone saying "Don't go, you are not meant to be there.  You will be okay,  open your eyes Michelle I am here right with you." My eyes opened immediately and I jolted my body over to see who was touching my arm.  No one was there. Both kids were still asleep.  As I looked around my room in fear and confusion I began to sob.  Then my fears became more elevated,  I saw the face again.  It was over my bed and it was right in front of me.  For the few seconds it was there I told myself it was not real and it was my imagination.  It did not move it simply was there in front of me and I quickly came to the understanding I was awake and this was real.  I began praying The Lords Prayer.  By the time I began the prayer a second time the image passed the side of me and disappeared into the wall next to my bed.  I leaped out of my bed and moved to the end of my bed to look at the wall to try and understand what I saw.  Standing in the dark of my room and in the silence of the night with the only sound of my crying and my son snoring I fell to my knees and continued to cry.

I spent many more hours awake last night praying the same prayer over and over again till I eventually fell asleep but it is not far from my mind today and the fear it caused is still alive in me.  Change needs to happen because evil is trying to consume me.

One of my favorite movies is What Dreams May Come.  In part of the movie Annie, the wife and mother of the movie,  is unable to cope with the loss of her husband and decides to commit suicide. Chris, (her husband who has died in a car crash) is initially relieved that her suffering is done, but grows angry when he learns that those who commit suicide go to Hell; this is not the result of a judgment made against them, but rather their own tendency to create "nightmare" afterlife worlds based on their pain. Chris is adamant that he will rescue Annie from Hell, despite Albert's insistence that no one has ever succeeded in doing so with a suicide. Chris sets out to search for Annie's soul and in the end saves her from the Hell she has put herself in.

As I sat and recalled the events of last night this movie came to my mind for many reasons. 

I have no idea what this all means and I am sure many will think I am one step from falling off the edge of reality but I know this happened and it was real.  Was it a sign that my life is not where it should be?  Was it a message that I am too close to darkness and it's waiting for me?  What does it all mean and why did it happen to me?  Perhaps it's telling me it's time to save myself......


Monday, June 1, 2015

I am.....

If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

I am....... worthy

I have a girlfriend who I am very close with, she knows more about me than most other people do.  She has seen me at my weakest, strongest, ugliest and at my best.  She is never judgmental and is always supportive.  She is very wise when she gives me encouragement and advice.  I truly love this woman and all that she gives to me and I try and do the same for her at any given moment.

The one thing she can not give me, however, is understanding of being worthy.

Just like me she can have issues in her life, marriage and career.  I try and support and counsel her on these areas when she is in need, just as she does for me. When she is low I try and pick her up, when she is high I celebrate with her, when she is alone I try and remind her she will never be alone.  But the one thing I can not give her either is the understanding of HER being worthy.

Why is so so difficult to understand our own self worth?  What happened in our lives that makes us think, deep down in the darkness of our feelings, we do not deserve to feel a certain way or take a certain path in our lives?  Why are we so quick to put ourselves down and tell ourselves, in maybe different ways, that we are not worthy?

When I pulled this card out of my little bag this morning my first thought was I wasn't  worthy and I felt sad.  But why is that?  Why do I tell myself that?  Is it because I grew up in an unstable family that was emotionally and physically hard?  Was it because I allowed myself to be in relationships where people, friends included, can just take from me what they need and want and then walk away as if I was nothing to them at all?  Is it because I have been in failed romantic relationships that I did not walk away from until it go so bad there was nothing left of ME?  Is it because I did not grow up with a father and have always felt not good enough, even after I located him and told him about myself?  Could it be these circumstances?


I would say these are good reasons to not feel worthy about myself.  As I am sure THOUSANDS of other people have their own trials and tribulations that make them feel not worthy.

So the question is now this..... how do I change this?  Because as I sit here and type this blog I KNOW I am worthy.  Not only am I worthy because I am a child of God, I am worthy because....... I just am.

I have every chance in this world as other people do.  I may have had a rough childhood and have had some tough times in my life but it has gotten me to this point and I am still here and I am still going.  I just need to remind myself that I am worthy and live each day or every moment having that in the forefront of my mind.  I will not be put off to the side, I will not be treated poorly, I will not be taken advantage of and I will not live in the darkness of thinking because of other people's decisions THEY make equates me to not being worthy.

I have done things to myself to allow me to get to this point.  I have allowed my own limited vision of myself enable me to be overwhelmed and hold myself back from reaching my goals or trying.  I have allowed my own dark feelings to prevent me from seeing the good in life.  I have focused too much time on what I don't have or what I have lost and failed to allow myself to celebrate who I am today. 

Recently, I had the wind knocked out of my soul and as I laid on the ground in my closet crying in the dark I heard myself saying.... "You must be the worst person in the world since this is happening to you."  But the reality is I am not, and what had occurred was not my fault or a result in any actions I had taken.  I had nothing to do with the pain I was only the one on the reviving end of it. So as I wiped my tears and shoved the hurt away I told myself.. I was worthy of happiness and happiness I would have come hell or high water!

I am a strong woman.  I am loyal.  I am smart.  I am honest.  I am trustworthy. I am funny and I have the ability to help motivate and encourage others.

I am..... worthy!