I joined an on line journaling challenge this week. The purpose of this challenge is to learn to dedicate time to journal as a form of meditation, exploring myself and possibly taking it to another level of "writing." The first challenge topic today is:
"What is something you want to know MORE about?"
This comes to me at the perfect time due to the state my mind is currently in. Here I feel I have lost my faith and rather than sitting her and feeling sorry for myself or continue to feel lost I see this as a chance to explore my faith and learn more about it. Learn more about the words of the bible, learn more about my purpose on this Earth, learn more about myself and learn more about the person I am and who I want to continue to grow to be. So if I had to say what that something is, that I want to learn more about, I would say it is me!!!!!
I have to feel my way through my darkness and I have to find the light. My life is full of love, family and friends and I can not be sitting in this place long I have too much going for me and I have too many people who depend on me. I have asked for help from a few people to help "save me" but in the end I have to turn to God to save me and I have to look within myself to save me, no one can do it for me. I can depend on others but I can not sit and wait for them to save me.
This journey is going to take me back to my childhood, I just know it. This is a topic of my life that I avoid at all costs because when I look back on it as an adult it is so sad to me. My thoughts have always been do not look back only look forward but I am learning, for myself, I have to express these painful memories so that I can wrap my head around them, embrace them, understand them, understand the lesson and then move on so I can put them to bed.
This will not make me weak, this will not mean I am living in the past or using my childhood as an excuse but rather a chance to evaluate that time in my life and put it to rest. Put my feelings I had during the time out there to be accepted and understood and then understand how it has made me who I am today.
This will be an interesting journey for me and one that I am a little nervous about but I truly feel is right for me at this time. It all starts with today, and I believe I am headed in the right direction.