Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Nine

Think of a special way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smith and with enthusiasm.  Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

Love makes good impressions- You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another.  The bible speaks a lot about greeting others.  The apostle Paul took time to encourage his readers to greet one another warmly when they met.  It's probably something you don't think about often but how do you greet your spouse first thing in the morning, what is the look on your face when one returns from being gone to work or out?  What energy is in your voice when you speak to your spouse on the phone?  You probably never considered it-the difference it would make in your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them.  It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic all the time.  But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in a subtle, unspoken way.

About four years ago I was driving in the car with my hubby.  For some reason that morning I had to drive into work with him, I do not recall the reason now but it doesn't matter.  You would think driving into work with my hubby would not have been a big deal but that morning I recall him being in a mood of all moods.  Nothing I said or did was right so when things were tough like that for us my response was to keep to myself as if not to rock the boat anymore.

This morning proved to be a challenge for me because he was not having the leave me alone and I will leave you alone tactic I had come up with in my mind.  At one point of the drive we were stopped at a light and I was looking straight ahead and he turned to me.  I remember thinking, "don't make eye contact just look forward."  That is when he said one of the most profound and hurtful things he has ever said to me. "You never smile, you just sit there and never smile."  Then he turned away from me began to drive again.  I remember thinking... "Smile?  What is there to smile about you have been a bear all morning long."  But it got me thinking.... he was right.  If I thought about my days and nights I did not walk around with a smile on my face most of the time.  Most of the time I was tired, struggling with a crying baby girl, trying to balance work and an infant at home and getting use to being married again after so many years on my own.  That day I decided I was going to start smiling more....even if I had to fake it.. that's what I was going to do.

I did not make this choice because my hubby spewed out his anger at me, I made this choice because I WANTED to have a smile on my face.  I WANTED to be happy about my life, I WANTED people to see me and see my smile.  So from that moment on I put a per-a-smile on.  

There were days I would have to fake that smile, oh boy did I have to fake it.  I use to joke with my girlfriend I was like the Joker in Batman with that stupid shit grin on his face.. that was me!  But I was determined to change that observation from my hubby into one that was a more positive observation that would not only make me happy but make him happy too.

Funny thing was, I didn't have to pretend long.  Pretty soon, I started to feel more happy because I forced that smile on my face.  I started to appreciate my life more and I honestly did feel more happy.  This is when I first learned I could train my mind to do whatever I wanted it to do.
"Train your mind and your body will follow,"  
I taught myself to be more happy with just putting a smile on my face.

I feel the same with this challenge.  I generally greet my hubby with a smile and a hope for a kiss when he walks through the door but to be honest with you there are days I am in a panic rush just to get things done before he gets home and before we have to start working on the challenges of the night.  This challenge reminded me that just like my smile I need to invest my time in my greeting of my spouse, and my kids for that matter, when they all return from their days.  Yes, I am tired. I may be working when they all come in.  I have had a long day too.   But taking a few moments out of my day to put that smile on and show my enthusiasm to each of them is not too much to ask of me. 

When my hubby came home last night, I made sure to stop what I was doing so that I could focus only on him when he came into the door.  His usual arrival is to chase the kids around the living room for about two minutes while they run from him.  So I just stood there waiting (and smiling) then  when he was done he came over to me and I greeted him with a smile, a hug and a kiss that not only made him feel loved and missed but made me feel even more happy he was home.  It was a great way to connect instantly with him from a long day of him being gone.  The rest of the night was a success and we had a great evening.

I am really beginning to enjoy these challenges because they give ME a chance to work on ME.  They remind me how God wants me to be in my marriage and in my life and they help me express my love, gratitude and desire for my hubby.

Today was another great day!

~Melllie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Eight


Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Love is not jealous-  Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man.  It comes from the root word for zeal and means "to burn with an intense fire"  The scriptures pointedly says, "Wrath is a fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?"  (Proverbs 27:4)
There are two forms of jealousy: legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy.  Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love turns their heart away from and replaces you with someone else in the mind, body or both.  Illegitimate is in the opposition to love-one rooted in selfishness. This is jealousy of someone or of someone being more popular and can lead to feeling of hatred towards that person.  When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader and the captain of his or her fan club. Both of you became one and were to share the enjoyment of the other.  Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in.  It is time to let love, humility and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart.  It is time to let your mate's success draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

  
Wow.  This is a powerful chapter because I have at one time in my marriage felt both ways and have allowed each type of jealousy to rule my thoughts and my heart.  I do not know anyone who hasn't.  One of the great things about being a child of God is we are not meant to be perfect, He does not expect us to be perfect and live a perfect life.  What God wants for us is to have free will but make good choices and when we are in the wrong admit it, ask for forgiveness and let go of it by giving  it to Him.  Our sins are the reason Christ died on the cross.

I did do what the challenge asked me to and burned my list of negative thoughts about my hubby.  It was a tough day yesterday because there was some uncertainty going on in my marriage which put me into a few hours of fear.  Once the fear set in, even as much as I tried to put it out of my mind and stay busy working, then the jealousy came into play.  It is amazing how they go hand in hand and can totally take over your mind and heart if you allow it to.

But this day instead of freaking out and reacting I just stayed within myself.  Yes, it was in my mind and there was panic and fear but I did not allow it to control me.  Normally these kinds of feelings can set me into a tail spin and I will spin out of control.  But I continued to tell myself "These are just feelings, you are not going to allow them to control you... what will be will be it is out of your control."  I silently said prayers to God to give me strength and I prayed for forgiveness for spending time jumping in and out of the Depreciation Room (see: The Love Dare-Day Seven)

By the end of the day my hubby was home and I was able to openly share with him my fears.  And you know what happened?  He listened AND heard me, he did not get defensive and he did not react either.... We just had a simple conversation about my fears and he helped me get over them.  This was God at work in my marriage because this is not our pattern.... God is good!

This chapter asked me how hard it was to burn the list, it really wasn't hard for me at all.  I love my hubby, I KNOW he is the man for me and I KNOW he can be all that he wants to be in this marriage and in his life.  I KNOW these negative attributes are not the only things that make him up and I know that he tries to overcome them.  My hubby is a good man, he has a big heart and he loves his wife and family.  He just has his own things he needs to work on and realize they do not define him and he does not have to let them rule his life or his choices.  This list was easy to burn, because I know this is not the man my hubby is meant to be, this is not the man God meant for him to be.  He will overcome and WE will live the life we were meant to live...... together.

I am my hubby's biggest fan, I always have been and I always will.

~Mellie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

The Love Dare-Day Seven

For today's dare, get two sheets of paper.  On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse.  Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet.  Place both sheets in a secret place for another day.  There is a different purpose and plan for each.  At some point during the remainder of today, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Love believes the best.  In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room.  It's called the Appreciation Room.  It's where thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse.  You probably spent a great deal of time in this room prior to your marriage but have found as the years have gone by you do not visits this room quite like you did before.  Down another dark corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately you visit there as well.  This room is where you go when encounter hurtful words, bad habits and poor decisions from your spouse.  If you spend too much time in this room you get depressed and even may start to think you married the wrong person.  Spending time in this room kills marriages. 

Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists.  But love chooses not to live there.  Love chooses to believe the best of people.  It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions.  And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward.  It's time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus.

Today's dare was not really challenging but a great lesson and reminder that as a wife I need to get out of the Depreciation Room more often.  I am the type of person I have the ability to love and move on when something comes against me.    However lately I have been struggling with this ability. 

Sometimes I feel as a wife I am not heard.  Not that my hubby doesn't listen to me but when we have an issue that is hard on me he wants to quickly move on and forget about it. Yet I have the need to share what impact the issue had on me as a person and our marriage.  When I am not given this opportunity it can create a world of resentment and build up inside me that eats at me.

"Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists."  

This is something I need to focus more on and keep telling myself.  Yes, I think it is important that we listen and hear each other during times of frustration but I also need to step back and remind myself feelings do not control me. 
Love is patient. 
Love is kind. 
Love is not selfish. 
Love is thoughtful.
Love is not rude.
Love is not irritable.
Love believes the best.

All the lessons of the past chapters remind me that Love leads to inner joy and when I prioritize my needs with the well being of my hubby than there is no room to sit it the Depreciation Room complaining about what I did not get. 

Today, I am going to sit in the Appreciation Room and remind myself of all the good things my hubby does for me emotionally.  If my mind starts to wonder on negative thoughts I am going to force myself to go back to the Appreciation Room and focus on the good in life.  I have a great hubby.  We know each other like the back of our hands.  He knows me like no other has ever known me and I love him for that.  He is a good man who struggles with his own demons but wants to do what is right for our marriage. Today I will focus on the good and not waste time on the bad.  This will allow me to truly lead my heart to be more open and love my spouse even more and it is a decision only I can make.
~Mellie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

Monday, January 28, 2013

Don't give up on love-Sanctus Real

I heard this song today and I just wanted to share.... what a great song to send to someone you love. We are so quick these days to walk away from things we have committed to, can't we just stay and work things out between each other.... "till death do us part."

Don't give up on love
Sanctus Real


I heard you say you would love for a lifetime
Now you complain a lifetime just doesn't feel right for you
Another casualty of casual love
Another soul out of place, a heart that gave up

Why do we break the promises we make?
Are we living for ourselves?

[Chorus:]
Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
When did it become so easy to run from your pain
Don't give up on love and throw it all away

I heard you say you can't change a stubborn heart
I can relate 'cause that's how I feel when I talk with you

Why should it take losing everything
to realize it might be time to change?

[Chorus:]

Your restless heart won't win 'cause you take but you don't give
And you'll keep moving on until you learn what love is

Don't give up on love and throw it all away
Don't give up on love and let it fall away
Don't give up on love

The Love Dare- Day Six

Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritations.  Begin making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.
He who is slow to anger is better than the might, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.  -Proverbs 16:32
Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive.  People who are irritable are locked, loaded and ready to overreact. When under pressure love doesn't turn sour.  Minor problems don't yield major reactions.  The truth is, love does not get angry or hurt unless there is a legitimate and just reason in the sight of God.  A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and respect.  A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self control. She chooses to be a flower among the thorns and response pleasantly during a prickly situation. 

This chapter and challenge speaks to me because I am facing a few situations that I am just a storm waiting to happen.  I am trying to encourage my hubby to be forthcoming with me and share his emotions with me but I know if I come at him like a hurricane I am going to turn him off.  Have I been a flower among the thorns?? Probably not, but I am learning to control my emotions more and more and not react to situations that throw me into fear or cause concern.  Here is a man I love and ask for him to be open with me in every part of his life, yet when I am faced with situations out of my control I spin out of control.  It is not my intentions but I allow my emotions to get the best of me.  Just like yesterday's challenge I am just learning to listen and be with myself.

So many times people will tell me how they are doing fad diets or starving themselves or skipping meals to lose weight and I always ask the same hard question... "How is that going for you?"  Of course we know the answer.. it isn't.  The same is true for me.... it isn't working out for me and it is not bringing me to a closer relationship with my hubby so I have to try and change it.  I have to commit to doing it a new way, I have to learn to let go and trust and trust my hubby and God.

Today, I was able to do this.  There were things that came across my path that normally I would either lash out at or I would corner my hubby.  Rather than doing that today I just kept it to myself, well I gave it to God.  I asked God to take it from me and deal with it.  I said over and over again in my head... "God, this is too much for me to deal with you take it and deal with it."  By the end of the day I was in the arms of my hubby and we were discussing how things were getting better for us and would continue to get better.

That is a success to me.

~Mellie
****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

The Love Dare- Day Five

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only.

Love is not rude.  When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that's more pleasant for his wife to be around.  If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort.  The bottom line is genuine love minds it's manners.  Good manners expresses to your spouse "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you.  I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with."

Who is not guilty of walking around their home displaying their anger or hurt in their expressions and body language but as soon as the door bell rings you put a smile on your face as if you don't have a care in the world????  Oh boy, I know I have and continue to do that to a degree.  How frustrating that must be to my hubby when I do that.  

It really wasn't until this chapter that I thought about this.  I really do want to be a pleasure to be around but when he and I are disagreeing about something or there has been pain brought to one of us I tend to go silent.  I don't give him the silent treatment but I am very disconnected from him.  When I think back to these moments I really can see where if I am acting like this towards him and then we get around others I am a bundle full of joy.... this must really aggravate him.

When I first was with my hubby and we had just moved in together I was not the same Mellie I am now.  I had came from a long history of choosing the wrong people in my life.  I was lost in who I wanted to be as a person, a mother and a friend.  I said and did anything I wanted and didn't care of how it affected others.  I was out to protect myself, even if that meant I pushed people away, because I just knew they would hurt me first anyway or leave so I wanted to be the one with the "power."  Now, I was not mindful of this at the time.  I did not wake up and ask myself who I could piss off that day or who I could put off I just put on a touch hard shell and went out into the world telling myself no one was going to hurt me.

One time in my bedroom my hubby and I were having an argument.  I was standing in front of the closet and he said something that I did not like.  I immediately lashed back and said something, I don't even know what we were arguing about but I do recall that I was not going to let him push ME around.  So I snapped back with whatever it was I had to say and my hubby looked me dead in the eye and said:

"One of these days that sharp tongue of yours is going to get you in trouble, more trouble than you can handle."  And with that he walked out of the room.

I will never forget the feeling of hearing those words and remember the wake up call those words had on me.  I stood there almost stunned replaying his words over and over again in my head till I realized.. he was right.  I had become a bitter, angry woman who was fighting for her protection and for her life but I was bitter and ugly in my way of going about it.  From that day on I told myself I would learn to hold my tongue, bring compassion back into my soul and learn to break down my walls.

Fast forward 10 years later and a lot has changed with me.  I am still working on being a better person by my reactions to situations but I do hold my sharp tongue now and I try not to lash out at my hubby.  But it was never until I read this chapter that I thought about what my silence may be doing to our relationship as well.  Especially when I am disconnected to him but then in public I am bubbly to everyone else.

In regards to this challenge I did not want my hubby to feel pressured to tell me the three things that this challenge asks me to find out.  I did not want to come to him and he take my questions wrong and put him on defense so I sent him a text asking:

"Okay, so I'm reading a book that gives me ways to be a better wife.  Today I am suppose to ask you to tell me three things about me that makes you uncomfortable or irritated.  It's not a chance for me to defend myself but to hear you, take it in and use it as a learning experience to be a better person and wife.  So if you could please let me know the top three things it would mean a lot to me.  Thank you."

That night my hubby told me he had gotten the text and was finding it hard to give me a list of things because there are really none that bother him.  I told him that wasn't true and that it was okay I would not take offense to them and would not talk to him about them.  I reminded him that this was am exercise for me.  His response to that was:

"You really don't do anything that irritates me, so it is hard for me to come up with three things.  I don't want you to read books like this because I think you are a great wife.  You spoil me and take care of me and love me.. this is not your thing to fix.. it's mine."

This was the first time my hubby has really acknowledge his part in the issues that we have in our marriage.  I tried to sit quietly and just listen to continue to encourage him to talk.  He shared some more things with me that I will keep private but in the end I felt as if I had a weight lifted from my shoulders and felt close to him again.

Marriage is not about keeping score or putting the blame on each other.  Our issues in the past and present are not for my hubby to bear all on his own.  But to hear him take responsibility for his part meant the world to me and helped me understand that he understands the consequences his actions are causing.

I still have not gotten my list but I felt like I got more out of this challenge because it allowed me to look at a situation from my hubby's point of view and it helped him be able to admit to me that he knows his actions cause some issues.  

In the end, it's about bringing us together one step at a time and I think that is exactly what happened on this one.

~Mellie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****