Friday, June 26, 2015
In that belief comes the understanding there is one road that we all go down and we ultimately choose the path that will lead us to Heaven or Hell. I do believe in these two destinations and I do believe in Evil in this world. Regardless if I go to Church or not these beliefs are a part of my true core as a person.
Do I live the life that God wants me to live? No.
Do I worship the way that God expects me to? No.
I know my relationship with my God is far from where I want to to be and far from where HE wants me to be and it is never far from my mind. I know I am a good person and I know I live a decent life with morals and family values. I have many areas that do not please God and it's up to me to work on those areas.
Last night I was asleep in my room. Elianna was asleep on the floor next to me and Reuben was on the floor at the foot of my bed. I recall falling asleep and the only thing I can recall being on my mind was the events of the weekend for the kids and how I was going to manage to get it all done.
Somewhere during my sleep I became aware that I could not move my body. I was awake in my mind but I could not get my body to respond. I was in a dark room filled with this piercing sound ringing in my ears. It was the sound of an animal being hurt and screaming in pain and the low roar of a noise I can not explain. It was constant and it was loud. I remember yelling at myself "Michelle, wake up, this is not real you are dreaming." But nothing was getting me out of that moment. As the noise continued on and fear grew inside me I came face to face with a floating image. It was not like a head, like in the movies, it was the outline of a face with eyes, a mouth and a nose and it scared me. It was not a face of peace but a face of evil. I recall screaming at at and still trying to wake myself up. I could hear my outer voice moaning in my sleep and crying out as the screams and roars in the room I was in got louder. Then the next thing I knew there was a hand on my arm, my reality arm not the dream arm, and I could hear someone saying "Don't go, you are not meant to be there. You will be okay, open your eyes Michelle I am here right with you." My eyes opened immediately and I jolted my body over to see who was touching my arm. No one was there. Both kids were still asleep. As I looked around my room in fear and confusion I began to sob. Then my fears became more elevated, I saw the face again. It was over my bed and it was right in front of me. For the few seconds it was there I told myself it was not real and it was my imagination. It did not move it simply was there in front of me and I quickly came to the understanding I was awake and this was real. I began praying The Lords Prayer. By the time I began the prayer a second time the image passed the side of me and disappeared into the wall next to my bed. I leaped out of my bed and moved to the end of my bed to look at the wall to try and understand what I saw. Standing in the dark of my room and in the silence of the night with the only sound of my crying and my son snoring I fell to my knees and continued to cry.
I spent many more hours awake last night praying the same prayer over and over again till I eventually fell asleep but it is not far from my mind today and the fear it caused is still alive in me. Change needs to happen because evil is trying to consume me.
One of my favorite movies is What Dreams May Come. In part of the movie Annie, the wife and mother of the movie, is unable to cope with the loss of her husband and decides to commit suicide. Chris, (her husband who has died in a car crash) is initially relieved that her suffering is done, but grows angry when he learns that those who commit suicide go to Hell; this is not the result of a judgment made against them, but rather their own tendency to create "nightmare" afterlife worlds based on their pain. Chris is adamant that he will rescue Annie from Hell, despite Albert's insistence that no one has ever succeeded in doing so with a suicide. Chris sets out to search for Annie's soul and in the end saves her from the Hell she has put herself in.
As I sat and recalled the events of last night this movie came to my mind for many reasons.
I have no idea what this all means and I am sure many will think I am one step from falling off the edge of reality but I know this happened and it was real. Was it a sign that my life is not where it should be? Was it a message that I am too close to darkness and it's waiting for me? What does it all mean and why did it happen to me? Perhaps it's telling me it's time to save myself......
Monday, June 1, 2015
I am....... worthy
I have a girlfriend who I am very close with, she knows more about me than most other people do. She has seen me at my weakest, strongest, ugliest and at my best. She is never judgmental and is always supportive. She is very wise when she gives me encouragement and advice. I truly love this woman and all that she gives to me and I try and do the same for her at any given moment.
The one thing she can not give me, however, is understanding of being worthy.
Just like me she can have issues in her life, marriage and career. I try and support and counsel her on these areas when she is in need, just as she does for me. When she is low I try and pick her up, when she is high I celebrate with her, when she is alone I try and remind her she will never be alone. But the one thing I can not give her either is the understanding of HER being worthy.
Why is so so difficult to understand our own self worth? What happened in our lives that makes us think, deep down in the darkness of our feelings, we do not deserve to feel a certain way or take a certain path in our lives? Why are we so quick to put ourselves down and tell ourselves, in maybe different ways, that we are not worthy?
When I pulled this card out of my little bag this morning my first thought was I wasn't worthy and I felt sad. But why is that? Why do I tell myself that? Is it because I grew up in an unstable family that was emotionally and physically hard? Was it because I allowed myself to be in relationships where people, friends included, can just take from me what they need and want and then walk away as if I was nothing to them at all? Is it because I have been in failed romantic relationships that I did not walk away from until it go so bad there was nothing left of ME? Is it because I did not grow up with a father and have always felt not good enough, even after I located him and told him about myself? Could it be these circumstances?
I would say these are good reasons to not feel worthy about myself. As I am sure THOUSANDS of other people have their own trials and tribulations that make them feel not worthy.
So the question is now this..... how do I change this? Because as I sit here and type this blog I KNOW I am worthy. Not only am I worthy because I am a child of God, I am worthy because....... I just am.
I have every chance in this world as other people do. I may have had a rough childhood and have had some tough times in my life but it has gotten me to this point and I am still here and I am still going. I just need to remind myself that I am worthy and live each day or every moment having that in the forefront of my mind. I will not be put off to the side, I will not be treated poorly, I will not be taken advantage of and I will not live in the darkness of thinking because of other people's decisions THEY make equates me to not being worthy.
I have done things to myself to allow me to get to this point. I have allowed my own limited vision of myself enable me to be overwhelmed and hold myself back from reaching my goals or trying. I have allowed my own dark feelings to prevent me from seeing the good in life. I have focused too much time on what I don't have or what I have lost and failed to allow myself to celebrate who I am today.
Recently, I had the wind knocked out of my soul and as I laid on the ground in my closet crying in the dark I heard myself saying.... "You must be the worst person in the world since this is happening to you." But the reality is I am not, and what had occurred was not my fault or a result in any actions I had taken. I had nothing to do with the pain I was only the one on the reviving end of it. So as I wiped my tears and shoved the hurt away I told myself.. I was worthy of happiness and happiness I would have come hell or high water!
I am a strong woman. I am loyal. I am smart. I am honest. I am trustworthy. I am funny and I have the ability to help motivate and encourage others.
I am..... worthy!
Friday, May 15, 2015
Welcome to "Mellie's Days of Gratitude". The following days will hopefully help open your heart to the miracle of gratitude and the amazing changes that can happen when we become more grateful. Sharing this will also help me in many ways too. Life for me is about making a difference, helping someone and paying rent for my space while on this earth. Together we can support, love and honor each other while making small changes, bringing big results!
I hope you will join me!
Day 9: Small steps to find gratitude
I am learning for myself through this process finding things or situations to be more grateful for is also allowing myself to be happier, and more satisfied with everything going on around me. With all the stress, the disappointments and all the anxiety that can surround our lives I know for myself I ask in the midst of these hard times:
“How exactly can I be more grateful with my life?”
Some days I find myself going through the motions of repetitive activities and boring tasks to get through my day. But being a mindless zombie can make us more likely to take things for granted. Instead of doing something just for the sake of doing it, I have been trying to actually make an effort to savor and enjoy the moment.
Yesterday I had to attend a work meeting. I told myself I was going to go into the meeting not worrying about the time is was taking away from my tasks but rather appreciate the time that each person in the meeting put into for ME. I absorbed the meeting and was thankful for the time.
I had plans to go to the gym, I had been looking forward to it all day. My workout partner got sick, my kids were tired and crying and wanted to stay home and I had came down with a splitting headache. Instead of getting upset with myself and the circumstances because I was not going to the gym I savored the moments with my kids instead. I even put myself to bed early and shut out all stress and anxiety. I allowed myself to care for my body and soul and gave forgiveness and thanks to my life.
I'm learning that feelings of gratitude is a direct manifestation of our environments. If we feel more driven, more passionate, and more alive, we are also bound to appreciate more, live more, and be more content.
Immerse your day and surroundings with quotes of gratitude. Meditate on thoughts of gratitude in your life. Hang sayings or pictures in your home and car so you are reminded of them at every turn.
In my bedroom I have to sayings on my wall. Each time I go into my room it's a habit for me to read both of them. I don't even think about it anymore it just happens. Subconsciously I am reminding myself of these two thoughts thus being grateful for the woman I am and what I bring to the world.
Make it a day of gratitude for YOU!
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
I hope you will join me!
Day 8: Sharing your gratitude with others
Today I was contacted by a friend via text who shared with me how "Mellie's Days of Gratitude" inspired her and her family to make one small change in gift giving to help a family member out in need. She expressed to me how thankful she is for her health and the ability to help this family member as well as being thankful for the reminders in these posts. She went on to say it is helping her with her small children as well. Together they read what Mommy is grateful for and now the kids are going to be making their own list of gratitude.
This communication this morning inspires our challenge for the day and how we can spread the word to even more people around us. We can always find gratitude and it only takes a few small things to share it.
Here are a couple quick tips:
Share with your friends on Facebook or twitter what you are most thankful for today and ask them to share what they are most thankful for. The best part is if this is what you choose to do, you can just click on this post below and share it on your page or on the page of someone who might be struggling.... simple!
Sharing gratitude, like a smile, can become infectious. The more you share it the more it comes back to you!!
You could also send out a group text (most of you know how much I LOVE those and use with my people I am trying to help with getting healthy) stating what you are most grateful for and ask your friends what they are most grateful for today.
Reach out to friends, families and co-workers and let them know what you are grateful for and ask them to respond. It can open doors, minds and hearts and really have an impact on someone out there who may need it today!
Lets spread some gratitude.
I'll go first- Today I am grateful for the opportunities I am given to chase my dreams both by God, the support of my family and friends and am forever grateful to have been born in a country that gives me these rights!
What are you grateful for today and how many people can you ask today?
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I hope you will join me!
Day 7: New Beginnings
I am a firm believer in everyday is a new opportunity to have a new beginning at your life. The past is the past and today is the day. You have new goals each and every morning when you wake up, regardless if they are big or small. You have a new opportunity to be a better version of yourself than the day before. You have a new chance on being even more happy or making others more happy in your day. I lay my head down and night and say my prayers, ask for forgiveness for any wrong doings and ask for new strength and guidance in the dawn of the new day.
I'm grateful for this because I am able to grow and develop more each day. Today offers new insights and possibilities to try again.
Today is YOUR new day, make the most of it!