Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Friday, June 26, 2015

What Dreams May Come....

I believe in God. 

In that belief comes the understanding there is one road that we all go down and we ultimately choose the path that will lead us to Heaven or Hell.  I do believe in these two destinations and I do believe in Evil in this world. Regardless if I go to Church or not these beliefs are a part of my true core as a person.

Do I live the life that God wants me to live?  No.
Do I worship the way that God expects me to?  No.

I know my relationship with my God is far from where I want to to be and far from where HE wants me to be and it is never far from my mind.  I know I am a good person and I know I live a decent life with morals and family values.  I have many areas that do not please God and it's up to me to work on those areas.

Last night I was asleep in my room. Elianna was asleep on the floor next to me and Reuben was on the floor at the foot of my bed.  I recall falling asleep and the only thing I can recall being on my mind was the events of the weekend for the kids and how I was going to manage to get it all done.

Somewhere during my sleep I became aware that I could not move my body.  I was awake in my mind but I could not get my body to respond.  I was in a dark room filled with this piercing sound ringing in my ears.  It was the sound of an animal being hurt and screaming in pain and the low roar of a noise I can not explain.  It was constant and it was loud.  I remember yelling at myself "Michelle, wake up, this is not real you are dreaming."  But nothing was getting me out of that moment.  As the noise continued on and fear grew inside me I came face to face with a floating image.  It was not like a head, like in the movies, it was the outline of a face with eyes, a mouth and a nose and it scared me.  It was not a face of peace but a face of evil.  I recall screaming at at and still trying to wake myself up.  I could hear my outer voice moaning in my sleep and crying out as the screams and roars in the room I was in got louder.  Then the next thing I knew there was a hand on my arm, my reality arm not the dream arm, and I could hear someone saying "Don't go, you are not meant to be there.  You will be okay,  open your eyes Michelle I am here right with you." My eyes opened immediately and I jolted my body over to see who was touching my arm.  No one was there. Both kids were still asleep.  As I looked around my room in fear and confusion I began to sob.  Then my fears became more elevated,  I saw the face again.  It was over my bed and it was right in front of me.  For the few seconds it was there I told myself it was not real and it was my imagination.  It did not move it simply was there in front of me and I quickly came to the understanding I was awake and this was real.  I began praying The Lords Prayer.  By the time I began the prayer a second time the image passed the side of me and disappeared into the wall next to my bed.  I leaped out of my bed and moved to the end of my bed to look at the wall to try and understand what I saw.  Standing in the dark of my room and in the silence of the night with the only sound of my crying and my son snoring I fell to my knees and continued to cry.

I spent many more hours awake last night praying the same prayer over and over again till I eventually fell asleep but it is not far from my mind today and the fear it caused is still alive in me.  Change needs to happen because evil is trying to consume me.

One of my favorite movies is What Dreams May Come.  In part of the movie Annie, the wife and mother of the movie,  is unable to cope with the loss of her husband and decides to commit suicide. Chris, (her husband who has died in a car crash) is initially relieved that her suffering is done, but grows angry when he learns that those who commit suicide go to Hell; this is not the result of a judgment made against them, but rather their own tendency to create "nightmare" afterlife worlds based on their pain. Chris is adamant that he will rescue Annie from Hell, despite Albert's insistence that no one has ever succeeded in doing so with a suicide. Chris sets out to search for Annie's soul and in the end saves her from the Hell she has put herself in.

As I sat and recalled the events of last night this movie came to my mind for many reasons. 

I have no idea what this all means and I am sure many will think I am one step from falling off the edge of reality but I know this happened and it was real.  Was it a sign that my life is not where it should be?  Was it a message that I am too close to darkness and it's waiting for me?  What does it all mean and why did it happen to me?  Perhaps it's telling me it's time to save myself......


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