I am....... worthy
I have a girlfriend who I am very close with, she knows more about me than most other people do. She has seen me at my weakest, strongest, ugliest and at my best. She is never judgmental and is always supportive. She is very wise when she gives me encouragement and advice. I truly love this woman and all that she gives to me and I try and do the same for her at any given moment.
The one thing she can not give me, however, is understanding of being worthy.
Just like me she can have issues in her life, marriage and career. I try and support and counsel her on these areas when she is in need, just as she does for me. When she is low I try and pick her up, when she is high I celebrate with her, when she is alone I try and remind her she will never be alone. But the one thing I can not give her either is the understanding of HER being worthy.
Why is so so difficult to understand our own self worth? What happened in our lives that makes us think, deep down in the darkness of our feelings, we do not deserve to feel a certain way or take a certain path in our lives? Why are we so quick to put ourselves down and tell ourselves, in maybe different ways, that we are not worthy?
When I pulled this card out of my little bag this morning my first thought was I wasn't worthy and I felt sad. But why is that? Why do I tell myself that? Is it because I grew up in an unstable family that was emotionally and physically hard? Was it because I allowed myself to be in relationships where people, friends included, can just take from me what they need and want and then walk away as if I was nothing to them at all? Is it because I have been in failed romantic relationships that I did not walk away from until it go so bad there was nothing left of ME? Is it because I did not grow up with a father and have always felt not good enough, even after I located him and told him about myself? Could it be these circumstances?
I would say these are good reasons to not feel worthy about myself. As I am sure THOUSANDS of other people have their own trials and tribulations that make them feel not worthy.
So the question is now this..... how do I change this? Because as I sit here and type this blog I KNOW I am worthy. Not only am I worthy because I am a child of God, I am worthy because....... I just am.
I have every chance in this world as other people do. I may have had a rough childhood and have had some tough times in my life but it has gotten me to this point and I am still here and I am still going. I just need to remind myself that I am worthy and live each day or every moment having that in the forefront of my mind. I will not be put off to the side, I will not be treated poorly, I will not be taken advantage of and I will not live in the darkness of thinking because of other people's decisions THEY make equates me to not being worthy.
I have done things to myself to allow me to get to this point. I have allowed my own limited vision of myself enable me to be overwhelmed and hold myself back from reaching my goals or trying. I have allowed my own dark feelings to prevent me from seeing the good in life. I have focused too much time on what I don't have or what I have lost and failed to allow myself to celebrate who I am today.
Recently, I had the wind knocked out of my soul and as I laid on the ground in my closet crying in the dark I heard myself saying.... "You must be the worst person in the world since this is happening to you." But the reality is I am not, and what had occurred was not my fault or a result in any actions I had taken. I had nothing to do with the pain I was only the one on the reviving end of it. So as I wiped my tears and shoved the hurt away I told myself.. I was worthy of happiness and happiness I would have come hell or high water!
I am a strong woman. I am loyal. I am smart. I am honest. I am trustworthy. I am funny and I have the ability to help motivate and encourage others.
I am..... worthy!