Yesterday was an unusual day for my hubby and I, a very sad day. One of my co-workers, my hubby's employee committed suicide the night before. This was not only a shock to all of us due to the act but because this is a man who escaped death a year ago and was given a second chance at life. Although his life was never the same, it was more of a challenge for him, he was alive and living.
I actually went and had lunch with my hubby yesterday after we heard the news. It was good to be close to him and not be isolated at home lost in my thoughts and sadness. It also was a great reminder to me why I am working so hard to make MYSELF better for my marriage.
We have been together for so long, we know each other so well. I can tell when he is checked out, he can tell when there is something on my mind. We can tell when each other is feeling lost. Years of trials and tribulations have brought us to this very point that we are at now, it is up to us to learn from the years of struggle and move forward living the life we were meant to live... together. So many people go through their marriages and have all these hard times and just when they are about at the end of their struggles they walk. Why in the world would you walk when you hit rock bottom, you have seen the worst of each other, you have been through hell, you have caused each other unspeakable pain.... why walk. There is no where to go from here but up.
My hubby sent me a card with some flowers awhile back and in his message he said "We have been on a long road, but I have come to appreciate every single step of the journey. Let's start living our life for US." I hold onto these words, I read them everyday and I remind myself he is right. We have been on a long, hard road but we are just now getting to a place where we can move on and move on together, it would be a shame to walk away now not knowing the full potential that is out there for our marriage.
My hubby is my best friend. I adore him. We laugh together. We wrestle. We play tricks on each other. We love each other. We have fun being crazy together. He is the one person I want to do everything with. He is the only person I want to do new things with. How many people can say that about their marriages? So many people do things to escape their spouses, I try and only get closer to mine.
I still listen to that song "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. One part of the song says: "We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in" So many people don't want to learn how to bend and how to come together, I think we get so stuck in fighting about the things we want in our marriage or the feelings we have we forget that we should be fighting to stick together and learn how to bend so that both parties are happy and fulfilled.
There is a book called "Mindset" which I strongly recommend to just about anyone. The bottom line, after hours of audio book, is your mind is a powerful tool. Your mindset, your outlook on things, really controls just about everything. Try it. Next time you are feeling upset or down--tell yourself you choose to be positive and hopeful. It really does alter how you interact with the outside world.
Right now, I am choosing to be the best possible man and husband I know I can be. I am choosing to let go of past fears, past patterns, regrets, worries, and anxiety. I read once that our minds holds onto these negative emotions because our ego and psyche so fear experiencing them again. But, I read, when we hold onto those negative emotions, we shape our lives around them. We constantly experience them, even when there is no direct cause.
Yes, I will be hurt again. I will be fearful again. I will do something I regret. But, I will deal with it when it happens and not hold myself hostage to those emotions. The fact is, I have a positive life. When bad things happen, which they do and will for all of us, how I react to those bad things is often more important than the actual event that occurred. It's all about my mindset.
I love my wife. I choose to make changes to my character to better our marriage. I choose to invest time and other resources in my spouse to honor her and demonstrate my love. I also choose to accept that my spouse will do things that are upsetting to me, but how I react and communicate will be more important to the event.
This is my mindset. I am mentally prepared for all that may come my way. I work hard to stay within myself, keep my emotions under control, and see the bigger picture. It is not easy. I fail at times. But I also succeed, and that makes it all worth while.
And, if all else fails...I will bury her in the backyard.