Looking back to when I first did this challenge on my own I can see that I am in an even better place now then I was just a few weeks ago. "Pride lead you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation." This is one of the biggest things I struggle within myself. Pride for me shows it's ugly head in the way I "think" I am being represented. It's funny, I know not everyone is going to like me and I do no set out for everyone to like me BUT I do struggle with the way my reputation appears to others. For instance, I have told my boys since they were little "make sure you represent the family in a good and positive manner." The same holds true for my marriage. If I think my hubby's actions are not representing me in the public eye in a positive manner it really hurts me and bruises my pride, thus causing me to react in a way that would not please God. It is this pride that can cause problems in my marriage and go against everything I am working towards. When I have thoughts of my pride being hurt in the past or I have fears that my reputation is not being honored I have turned to prayer and asked God to take this Pride from me and deal with it the way HE chooses.
I have learned over the years, slowly but surly, that when my hubby is in one of his moods it's best not to engage with him. I may not know what kind of day he has had or what stresses he is dealing with so when he finds himself angry and lashes out at me it is my practice, as of late, to not engage with him. I will remove myself from the situation and allow him to have some time alone and peace. I feel like if I demonstrate this kind of behavior to him then he will see I am not on the defense and ready to attack and he will feel more comfortable coming to me and discussing what issues he may be having.
My goal in my marriage is and always has been to have an open loving relationship where we can talk to each other about anything. We have had a long road of challenges and hurt between the two of us. I really feel if I continue on the path I am and allow God to take away my fears, stress and pride this will give me the loving heart that will allow me to be a better wife for my hubby. I love my hubby and I love my marriage and my only goal is to be the best I can be in this marriage that leaves us both feeling loved, honored, appreciated and fulfilled. I pray for this daily.
Pride and ego are a dangerous thing, especially because we all have them. I compare it to someone that has a poor relationship with abusing food--it is difficult to overcome because food is always present.
Today has been a difficult day in many different areas. A day of frustration, anger, hurt. Feelings we all experience from time-to-time. I am determined to stay positive and continue to do the things that I believe are right. When I make a mistake, I will acknowledge that mistake and keep moving forward.
I often times, perhaps in moments of senseless self-pity, do not believe that people truly understand what all I do and give of myself to make things work, personally and professionally. I do not communicate these types of issues well. Rather, I tend to withdraw. In fact, there is no 'tend" about it- I withdraw. A few months ago, I seriously considered an offer that would have moved my family to a different state. I was upset. Felt unappreciated. In other words, my pride and ego were affected and in the moment, I was within minutes of making a life-changing decision.
I don't know right now ultimately what the best and final decisions are going to be in my life, and for my family and those around me. At times I feel extremely exhausted and beyond my limits in many different areas.
But I do know that I continue to work hard each day to become a better form of me, to honor my wife and family and those that count on me. Sometimes, I am misunderstood. But, that's life. I just have to keep taking one day at a time.
Someone told me something today that I think carries a lot of truth to it: If you are being you, your authentic self, and are doing the right things--you have nothing to explain. If you have to explain yourself, that should probably tell you something.
I think this is a good litmus test for all of us, and is a principal that I can apply to my life daily.