Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. – Psalm 25:20
Marriage has a way of altering our vision. We go in expecting our mate
to fulfill our hopes and to make us happy. But this is an impossible
order for our spouse to fill. Unrealistic expectations breed
disappointment. The higher your expectations, the more likely your
spouse will fail you and cause you frustration.
If a
wife expects her husband to always be on time, clean up after himself,
and understand all her needs, she will likely live most her married life
in constant disappointment. But if she gets realistic and understands
that he’s human, forgetful, and sometimes thoughtless, then she will be
more delighted when he is responsible, loving, and kind.
Divorce is nearly inevitable when people refuse to allow their spouses
to be human. So there needs to be a transition in your thinking. You
must choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations. The
way your spouse has been for the last ten years is likely what he or she
will be in the future apart from your loving encouragement and an
intervention from God. Love puts the focus on personal responsibility
and improving yourself rather than on demanding more from others.
Jesus painted a picture of this when He talked about the person who saw
the “speck” in his brother’s eye but didn’t notice the “log” in his
own.
“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take
the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your eye? You
hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see
clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:4-5).
Does your spouse feel like they’re living with a speck inspector? Are
they routinely on edge, fearful of not living up to your expectations?
Would they say they spend most days sensing more of your disapproval
than your acceptance?
Perhaps you’d respond by
saying that the problem is not with you but with them. If they really
do come up short in a lot of areas, why is that your fault? As far as
you’re concerned, it takes both of you doing everything you can to make
marriage work. If your mate doesn’t want you to be so critical, they
need to realize that the issues you bring up are legitimate. You’re not
saying you’re perfect, by any mean, but it does seem like you should be
able to say what you think. Right?
The problem with
this kind of attitude is that few people are able to respond to
criticism with total objectivity. When it seems clear that someone is
unhappy with you – whether by direct confrontation or the silent
treatment – it’s hard not to take their displeasure personally.
Especially in marriage.
After all, unlike any other
friendship, your relationship with your spouse began with both of you
bending over backwards to please the other. When your mate was your
boyfriend or girlfriend, they were completely charmed by your
personality. You could almost do no wrong. Your life together was so
much easier. And though you didn’t expect it to stay that way forever,
you certainly didn’t see them being so sinful and getting so angry with
you. You never expected that this man or woman who promised to love you
could get to where they didn’t even seem to like you.
So when this stark contrast becomes living reality, your natural
reaction is to resist it. During the early days of marriage, you may
have been more inclined to listen and make subtle changes. But as the
years go by, your spouse’s disapproval only tends to entrench you.
Rather than making you want to correct things, it makes you want to dig
in even deeper.
Love is too smart for that. Instead
of putting your mate in a position to rebel, love teaches you to give
them room to be themselves. Even if you’re the goal-oriented type who
places high demands on yourself, love calls you not to project your
hard-driving ways onto your mate’s performance. You must realize that
marriage is a relationship to be enjoyed and savored along the way. It’s
a unique friendship designed by God Himself where two people live
together in flawed imperfection but deal with it by encouraging each
other, not discouraging them.
The Bible says,
“Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble” (Isaiah 35:3).
“Encourage one another and build up one another … Encourage the
fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians
5:11, 14).
Don’t you want married life to be a place
where you can enjoy free expression of who you are, growing within a
safe environment that encourages you even when you fail? Your spouse
does too – and love gives them that privilege. If your wife or husband
has told you on more than one occasion that you make them feel beat down
and defeated, you need to take these words to heart. Make a commitment
to daily let go of unrealistic expectations and become your spouse’s
greatest encourager. And the person they’re created by God to be will
begin to emerge with new confidence and love for you.
Today’s Dare
Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think
of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much,
and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise
them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional
love.
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If there is one thing I am sure my husband is clear of, it is my unconditional love for him. My actions over the past few years of our marriage have demonstrated that beyond measures I even knew I was capable of. But that is in no way a free ticket for me to not continue to come up with new ways to show him.
The unspoken expectations in our marriage I think are both understood by each other and most of the time played out. Neither of us have this fantasy that our marriage should be one way or the other. At times we have allowed our own selfishness get in the way thus giving ourselves permission to accuse one another for something that has gone wrong but is virtually the mistake of the one person doing the accusing.
I am my husband's biggest cheerleader, I am also one of the people closest to him that could bring him down the most. That is a lot of responsibility to have as a wife. Most days my mind is constantly going in the background of my day thinking about ways to improve my marriage and show my hubby what he means to me. I have had times in the past where my expectations were that he would be doing the same, and when those expectations were not met I found heartache and felt unloved.
We each love differently. No two people love the same way. This doesn't mean they don't love it just means like everything else we all do things in our own way. My hubby is not the most romantic person in the world. He doesn't cook me breakfast in bed, he doesn't bring me flowers to work with my favorite coffee drink, he doesn't light candles all over the bedroom. Does this make me think he does not love me, no it just reminds me that he loves in his own way and he shows romance in his own way and that is perfectly fine with me.
I have learned over the years that one way to have a successful marriage is to allow my hubby to be himself. This does not mean that I condone his behavior that damages our marriage, I never will. But this means that I am not trying to mold him into a shape that I think will fit into the marriage puzzle I have in my head. If I allow him to be himself and find his own path then perhaps one day he will be his best he can be with Me.
Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)
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