Yet, with that being said I was NOT a good wife in my first marriage. I married so young, 17 years old, I was so immature as a person I did everything wrong. I manipulated, I lied, I broke my vows and I hurt many people along the way including myself. I took the marriage as if it were something that was suppose to make me complete, it was suppose to fulfill my lifr, and resolve my childhood fears and it should have made me whole. Yet it did quite the opposite, it changed me into someone I did not like seeing in the mirror. Marriage was way harder than I ever imagined and I did not have the maturity or the tools to prepare me on making it work, especially with so many forces stacked against us.
When I finally called it quits the only thing left was a path of destruction and pain for both my husband and I. We managed to destroy even the friendship we had with one another over being selfish and taking each other for granted. We had nothing left in us and it changed us both forever.
Going into my marriage I am in now, I had many reservations. Could I do it better this time, could I be the person I was mean to be and could I finally find happiness with someone who I would share my life with and who would share theirs with me too? When I took my vows of marriage with my hubby I told myself ONE thing..... "For better or for worse, this will be my last marriage... I will make this work and I will give it everything I have till there is no more to give." I told myself if I went into it with the understanding that I would give it all I have and all I will ever have then he and I could make it through anything that came our way. I could show my hubby unconditional love and help him be a better person and he could show me the same and help me as well. We were in this together and even if it came down to just me fighting I was going to make this work. I loved this man from the very first time I was with him and knew in my heart I was meant to be with him.
Over the years my hubby and I have done our share to hurt one another. We have had many sleepless nights, painful arguments and moments of shame and embarrassments caused by one another. But through it all I always felt like this is still where I was meant to be and I had to fight till I could fight no more. I had to stay in my marriage and not let the pain take the place of my love for him. I had to believe even in the darkest hours of our marriage our love could and would shine through. Even if I was fighting alone for this I had to continue to fight. I would just tell myself the pain I was going through now would be rewarded later if I just kept my faith with God and kept fighting for US.
Marriage is hard. Marriage can hurt and the things we do to each other can be very embarrassing. But I still have faith that if I keep God in my marriage, I keep my faith with him that my hubby and I can endure anything that comes our way. I feel sitting here today, we have done just that and for the first time in a long time I really feel like all the pain we have caused one another in the past is finally going to pay off. For the first time in a long time I feel as if this is OUR time, the time for our marriage to be strong, sturdy and united as one in all ways. But with that brings fear because when things go good for people Evil will try and destroy it and the better your strength is with one another the harder Evil will try and destroy it.
So as I prepare for a fight till the finish and begin this devotional book to strengthen my bond with my hubby and with my God I go back to the start of my marriage. In my mind I will renew my vows that I spoke to my hubby and remind myself this is OUR marriage, this is MY hubby and this is where I belong and will fight for it for the rest of my life.
My vows from our wedding day: