*** I feel with this card I have to, for the first time, add a disclosure. I am NOT a victim of anything. Yes, things have happened to me that were out of my control and not what I wanted but this does NOT make me a victim and I will NEVER play a victim role. We are all dealt certain cards in our lives and what we do with those cards is up to us, we all have the same chances and opportunities as others. You can either sit back and complain why things are not fair or you can participate in your life and make the most of it. I will NEVER be someone who has to change her entire self so that others will like me, or so that I can be successful. Where I am RIGHT now is good... I just know I can be better.***
What I am about to say is going to piss off a few people as soon as I type it, thus the reason for the disclosure. (And for my haters who read my blog so they can try and judge me or try and be me)
I do not feel important.
It is easy to see the other side of this and be able to list a thousand reasons why I am important....
But if I am going to blog and be real than I have to share what is in my heart. I do not feel important and I know that I allow people to make me feel that way.
When I was growing up I lived in house with two older siblings, boys. My mother was a single mother, I had no father figure. If I were to really look at myself in the mirror I would say this is what started my entire life of not feeling important. I could never understand as a young child why there was a man out there, who was by blood my father, but wanted nothing to do with me. What, as a baby, could I have possibly done to not be important enough to him to want nothing to do with me? This questions haunted me until I was old enough to understand that of course, it had nothing to do with me. But.... it never left me.
Fast forward 41 years. I could sit here and list a handful of things that have happened to me over the years where I was left feeling... "How could this happen, what did I do to deserve this in my life?" Yet none of the details of that list matters, what matters is what is left in my core.
I do not feel important.
Somewhere along the line I allowed the question of my father to come into the rest of my life and dictate a feeling of not being good enough, worthy enough, or important enough. If I were important enough than things would not have been done to me that were done, because that loved one would not have wanted to hurt me. If I were important enough old relationships would not have ended the way they did because the other party would have thought me important enough not to treat me like that. If I were important enough the success of my past careers would not have been subject to criticism and ridicule because I out did their top performers. If I were good enough other people's happiness would have not been put above my own and continue to be put above my own. If I were good enough I wouldn't be facing an uncertain future because there would be someone by my side. If, if, if, if, if.
Life is full of what ifs? It's also full of joy, laughs, pain, tears, hurt, love, kindness, warmth and everything else that YOU allow to come into your life.
Yes, I have insecurities about myself. Yes, I have baggage that I am still trying to understand. Yes, I have pain that is so deep it keeps me up at night. But what I also have is a great life!
It's okay to not feel important all the time. It's okay not to feel worthy all of the time. It's okay to question your worth sometimes. What is not okay, and what I would never allow myself to do is to stay in that darkness and live a life of sadness, depression or trying to cover up what hurts by taking pills, drinking too much or hurting myself in anyway.
Yes! I am important to many people out in this world that is outside of my family. I have the ability to help and motivate others when they do not feel like they can accomplish their goals on their own. I am a good friend who will tell it like it is and never pass judgment on you no matter what you do. I am a loyal person who would never intentionally hurt someone in my life by choices I made. I am important to many people who count on me each day with being apart of their lives in a huge way or a small way. I am important.
I have moments and circumstances where I do not feel important but I refuse to focus on those too much. There is a whole other side of me that IS important and the people who really know me, love me and care for me and know this about me and know I am important to them too.
Don't let your past, current situation or future allow you to stay in a place where you do not feel important. Because no matter who you are, you could be my worst enemy reading this, YOU ARE IMPORTANT. It's okay not to feel important...it's NOT okay to live that way or allow anyone to continue to treat you that way.
Make it an IMPORTANT day.