Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.
Love is not rude. When a man is driven by love, he intentionally behaves in a way that's more pleasant for his wife to be around. If she desires to love him, she purposefully avoids things that frustrate him or cause him discomfort. The bottom line is genuine love minds it's manners. Good manners expresses to your spouse "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with."
Who is not guilty of walking around their home displaying their anger or hurt in their expressions and body language but as soon as the door bell rings you put a smile on your face as if you don't have a care in the world???? Oh boy, I know I have and continue to do that to a degree. How frustrating that must be to my hubby when I do that.
It really wasn't until this chapter that I thought about this. I really do want to be a pleasure to be around but when he and I are disagreeing about something or there has been pain brought to one of us I tend to go silent. I don't give him the silent treatment but I am very disconnected from him. When I think back to these moments I really can see where if I am acting like this towards him and then we get around others I am a bundle full of joy.... this must really aggravate him.
When I first was with my hubby and we had just moved in together I was not the same Mellie I am now. I had came from a long history of choosing the wrong people in my life. I was lost in who I wanted to be as a person, a mother and a friend. I said and did anything I wanted and didn't care of how it affected others. I was out to protect myself, even if that meant I pushed people away, because I just knew they would hurt me first anyway or leave so I wanted to be the one with the "power." Now, I was not mindful of this at the time. I did not wake up and ask myself who I could piss off that day or who I could put off I just put on a touch hard shell and went out into the world telling myself no one was going to hurt me.
One time in my bedroom my hubby and I were having an argument. I was standing in front of the closet and he said something that I did not like. I immediately lashed back and said something, I don't even know what we were arguing about but I do recall that I was not going to let him push ME around. So I snapped back with whatever it was I had to say and my hubby looked me dead in the eye and said:
"One of these days that sharp tongue of yours is going to get you in trouble, more trouble than you can handle." And with that he walked out of the room.
I will never forget the feeling of hearing those words and remember the wake up call those words had on me. I stood there almost stunned replaying his words over and over again in my head till I realized.. he was right. I had become a bitter, angry woman who was fighting for her protection and for her life but I was bitter and ugly in my way of going about it. From that day on I told myself I would learn to hold my tongue, bring compassion back into my soul and learn to break down my walls.
Fast forward 10 years later and a lot has changed with me. I am still working on being a better person by my reactions to situations but I do hold my sharp tongue now and I try not to lash out at my hubby. But it was never until I read this chapter that I thought about what my silence may be doing to our relationship as well. Especially when I am disconnected to him but then in public I am bubbly to everyone else.
In regards to this challenge I did not want my hubby to feel pressured to tell me the three things that this challenge asks me to find out. I did not want to come to him and he take my questions wrong and put him on defense so I sent him a text asking:
"Okay, so I'm reading a book that gives me ways to be a better wife. Today I am suppose to ask you to tell me three things about me that makes you uncomfortable or irritated. It's not a chance for me to defend myself but to hear you, take it in and use it as a learning experience to be a better person and wife. So if you could please let me know the top three things it would mean a lot to me. Thank you."
That night my hubby told me he had gotten the text and was finding it hard to give me a list of things because there are really none that bother him. I told him that wasn't true and that it was okay I would not take offense to them and would not talk to him about them. I reminded him that this was am exercise for me. His response to that was:
"You really don't do anything that irritates me, so it is hard for me to come up with three things. I don't want you to read books like this because I think you are a great wife. You spoil me and take care of me and love me.. this is not your thing to fix.. it's mine."
This was the first time my hubby has really acknowledge his part in the issues that we have in our marriage. I tried to sit quietly and just listen to continue to encourage him to talk. He shared some more things with me that I will keep private but in the end I felt as if I had a weight lifted from my shoulders and felt close to him again.
Marriage is not about keeping score or putting the blame on each other. Our issues in the past and present are not for my hubby to bear all on his own. But to hear him take responsibility for his part meant the world to me and helped me understand that he understands the consequences his actions are causing.
I still have not gotten my list but I felt like I got more out of this challenge because it allowed me to look at a situation from my hubby's point of view and it helped him be able to admit to me that he knows his actions cause some issues.
In the end, it's about bringing us together one step at a time and I think that is exactly what happened on this one.
~Mellie
****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage. I
challenged them to take the Love Dare with me. This is a 60
day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage. I have
started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or
completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we
could all work through it together.
http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605
I
am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my
relationship with my hubby. I am doing this for me more so than FOR
him. It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and
mother and child of God.****
