Missing Kathy.

As the time for our first annual 5K/10K walk and run draws near I am not only feeling the pressure of putting on a major event I am feeling the loss of my friend.

People who know me know that I am a personal trainer on the side.  I am married, have 5 kids and work in a very stressful industry but on the side I find a new passion and drive to help people get physically healthy by changing their lifestyles.

This passion for fitness is how I met Kathy and how we became friends.  She was a client of mine and I knew the first day I met her she would become a friend.  Her and I shared many moments before, after and during workouts talking about her life, her struggles, and her dreams.  I was not the friend she went shopping with or the friend she went to Happy Hour with but in the quiet moments we had together I felt a real connection to her.  We use to text all the time all day and into the night and some of her texts would have me in tears laughing so hard.

These past days I have really felt like she has been with me and around me during the day and it makes me miss her even more. 

I have no real message here but to say that I miss Kathy, I miss her a lot and sometimes I regret not doing more with her in the time I had.  It really is true, you just never know what is going to happen and you need to enjoy and appreciate life daily.  I always thought I would hold her babies and hold her hand as she moved into new chapters of her life... now I am only holding on to her memory.

If you would like to join us in the 5K/10K walk and run please feel free to preregister to reserve your spot and claim your t-shirt for the run!

http://www.active.com/running/west-linn-or/heroes-run-for-cervical-cancer-2013

The Love Dare-Day Nineteen

Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. –I John 4:7

The Love Dare starts with a secret.  And though it’s been an unspoken element throughout each day, you’ve likely grown more and more suspicious of it all the time.  Now that you’re this far, it’s a secret you’re discovering for yourself, even if you haven’t exactly known how to put it into words.

The secret is this:  you cannot manufacture unconditional love (or agape love) out of your own heart.  It’s impossible.  It’s beyond your capabilities.  It’s beyond all our capabilities.

You may have demonstrated kindness and unselfishness in some form, and you may have learned to be more thoughtful and considerate.  But sincerely loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is another matter altogether.

So how can you do it?  Like it or not, agape love isn’t something you can do.  It’s something only God can do.  But because of His great love for you—and His love for your spouse—He chooses to express His love through you.

Still, you may not believe that.  You may be convinced that with enough hard work and commitment, you can muster up unconditional, long-term, sacrificial love from your own heart.  You want to believe it’s in you.

It’s this failure that exposes mankind’s sinful condition.  We’ve all fallen short of God’s commands (Romans 3:23).  We’ve all demonstrated selfishness, hatred, and pride.  And unless something is done to cleanse us of these ungodly attributes, we will stand before God guilty as charged (Romans 6:23).  That’s why if you’re not right with God, you can’t truly love your spouse because He is the Source of that love.

You can’t give what you don’t have.  You can’t call up inner reserves and resources that aren’t there to be summoned.  In the same way that you can’t give away a million dollars if you don’t have it to start with, you cannot pay out love in greater measure than you own.  You can try, but you will fail.

So the hard news is this:  love that is able to withstand every pressure is out of your reach, as long as you’re only looking within yourself to find it.  You need someone who can give you that kind of love.

“Love is from God” (I John 4:7).  And only those who have allowed Him into their heart through faith in His Son, Jesus—only those who have received the Spirit of Christ through belief in His death and resurrection—are able to tap into love’s real power.  “Apart from me,” Jesus said, “you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

When you surrender yourself to Christ, His power can work through you.  Even at your very best, you are not able to live up to God’s standards.  But He “is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us” (Ephesians 3:20). That’s how you love your spouse.

So, this unsettling secret—as defeating as it may feel—has a happy ending for those who will stop resisting and will receive the love God has for them.  This means that the love He has “poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us” (Romans 5:5) is always available, every time we choose to submit to it.

You simply won’t be able to do it without Him.

I would say for me that this chapter was a good reminder and eye opener of yet again reasons I am allowing myself to turn things over to God. 

My hubby and I have made some amazing changes in our relationship and have renewed feelings that we share with each other.  Of course the love for me never stopped with him but I am seeing him in a new light and with a new understanding of unconditional love.

My friend A use to tell me all the time that I had to let go.  She would ask "When are you going to get out of God's way and let him do what HE needs to do?"  This was very hard for me since I have always been a fixer.  I have always been the one to try and make peace first and I am always the one to try and please everyone. 

I can honestly say when I really turned everything over to God and understood that HE would do things in his own time that is when I began to feel more peace and love in my marriage. God has given me the ability to not only forgive but to love unconditionally.

~Mellie

The Love Dare-Day Seventeen

Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.

Love promotes intimacy-- He who covers an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.  Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships.  Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, loved, and accepted.  We want people to know our name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are.  The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage.  Yet this blessing is also the greatest danger.  Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we will never fully recover.  If the home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else. Perhaps you look to a friend, initiating a relationship that either flirts with adultery or actually enters it. Your mate should not feel pressured to be perfect in your eyes.  They should not walk on eggshells in the very place they should feel safe at. The bible says "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear" Marriage has unloaded another person's baggage into your life, and your into theirs.  Some of these secrets may need correcting.  Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repairing for each other, not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support.  Some of these secrets need to be accepted. They are part of the person's make-up and history.  In either case, you and you alone wield the power that either to reject your spouse or to welcome them in -warts and all. No one knows you better than God does, the One who made you.  And yet God, who knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, loves us at a depth we cannot begin to fathom.  How much more should we-- as imperfect people-- reach out to our spouse in grace and understanding, accepting them for who they are and assuring them that their secrets are safe with us? This may be an area where you've really failed in the past.  If so, don't expect your spouse to immediately give you wide open access to their heart.  You must rebuild their trust.  The reality of intimacy always takes time to develop, specifically after being compromised.  But your commitment to re-establish it can happen today for anyone willing to take the dare.


Ouch!  This one is a painful dare for me because I am guilty of this... guilty of this, so much I can honestly say I am ashamed at myself.

Of course in marriage when there has been a long period of time together and there has been a separation you are going to have issues of trust on both sides.  I am not free from guilt in this area.  We both have betrayed each other in one way or another during our time together and apart.  However, this speaks to ME in an even greater manner because I have not protected my hubby's secrets in the past.

Maybe I did not come out and tell someone (enter secret here) but my actions towards that third party has lead them to think a certain way or come to a conclusion on their own about our relationship and that is just as much a trust breaker as openly speaking the secret.

I know my hubby holds things back from me in fear that I might say or imply things to a third party that he would not want them to know.  I get this.  This is my cross that I have to bear.  I am ashamed to say it that when I am challenged or pushed into a corner I seek out help and guidance when really I should be getting on my knees and praying to God.

I am looking for that perfect love that casts out fear.  But in order for me to get, I have to give it first.

This has been a great chapter for me and a great lesson for my heart.  Now, I have to go and prove myself to my hubby and prove to him I can be the one to be trusted again, it's not just about him.  But... I am willing to do it.. and continue to try over and over again till I get it right because he is the one I love and he is the one God gave to me and I will prove to him that we can have that perfect love that casts out fear.

~Mellie

*****

We live in a hard world. We are all faced with choices, decisions--some obvious, some subtle, that can have lasting implications. We don't always make the best decisions. Sometimes, we act out of fear. Sometimes, we act out of ego.

It is important that we all feel we have a place to be safe. A place, rather a person, that we know we can share anything and everything with and that that person, despite knowing the best and worst about you, still accepts you.

I have that person in my wife. She knows me, as she often says, perhaps better than I know myself. She knows all the amazing things I am capable of--my strengths, abilities to persuade and lead, usual strong character and determination. She also knows my terrible failings as a man and as a leader of our family.

Not only does she accept me, still--but she shows me unconditional love on a daily basis. Love that I never knew existed.

Likewise, I know all about my wife. I know her hopes and dreams. I  know her greatest and darkest fears. I know her tremendous strengths, and I know her shortcomings. And, I love her. All of her.

All these things make-up Michelle. They are who and what she is. And, they are and always will be safe with me.

As Michelle says, it all comes down to fear. We all have to accept who we are as people, what we have done both good and bad, and move forward. We all have to decide we will not live our lives in the past....we will not live our lives in fear.

I have made that decision, and it benefits my wife, our family, and all those around me that trust and count on me.

~ Joseph

The Love Dare-Day Sixteen

Begin praying for your spouse's heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

Love intercedes-- Beloved, I pray that in all aspects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. You cannot change your spouse. Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Isn't that what happens when you try and change your mate? It's frustration as the highest level. At some point you need to realize that it's not something you can change. But what you can do is become a wise farmer. A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He can not argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. What he can do is plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. This challenge is not about changing your spouse. It's about you daring to love. If yo take the Love Dare seriously, there is a high chance you will be personally changed from the inside out. And if you carry out each dare your spouse will likely be changed and your marriage will begin to bloom. It may take month, or even years. But regardless of the soil you're working with you are to plan for success. You are to nurture the soil of your mate's heart and then depend on God for the results. God is sovereign. He does things His way. He's not a genie in a lamp that submits to your every wish. But He does love you and desires in intimate relationship with you. This doesn't happen apart from prayer. Prayer works best when coming from a humble heart that is in a right relationship with God and others. The Bible says "Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another." Have you ever wondered why God gives you overwhelming insight into your spouse's hidden faults? Do you really think it's for endless nagging? No, it is for effective kneeling. So turn your complaints into prayers and watch the Master work while you keep your hands
clean. Pray for his heart. Pray for her attitude. Pray for your responsibilities before God. Pray for truth to replace lie. Pray that forgiveness would replace bitterness. Pray for a genuine breakthrough in your marriage. And then pray for your hearts desires- for love and honor to become the norm. Pray for romance and intimacy to go to a deeper level. "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

"You are to nurture the soil of your mate's heart and then depend on God for the results. God is sovereign. He does things His way. He's not a genie in a lamp that submits to your every wish."

I can see how someone can take yesterday's challenge and turn it into praying and asking God to make changes in their spouse to benefit themselves.  I know on more than one occasion I have been guilty of this.  If only God would change my hubby and have him this way or that way... funny, he never did change and things got a lot worse for me before they got better.

I have learned over this past year that my prayers for my hubby need to be true to who I am, who he is and the God I serve.  My "issues" I have with my hubby are not my issues at all.  I have learned that they are between God and my hubby to work out and like this chapter says.. "God is not a genie in a lamp that submits to my every wish."  This has been a hard lesson for me but one that has stayed true that I can say I finally fully understand now.

I can not change who my hubby is.  I can not change his demons he has or fight his battles for him-for us.  These things are between him and God and together God will direct my hubby to the path He thinks fit.  It may not be the path either of us have for ourselves but God makes His own plans.

So praying for my hubby yesterday, several times during the day was easy.  I prayed for my hubby's relationship with God not defined in my words but what my hubby defines as a relationship.  I prayed for my hubby to find peace with his demons.  And then I prayed for my hubby to find strength to continue on the path of being the man he wants and knows he can be.  I prayed a variation of this over and over again but continued to tell God "I understand your wishes for my hubby are between You and him and this has nothing to do with me. I have no control and can only pray for strength to grow between my hubby and God."  Saying these words over and over again and acknowledging to God I understand this is out of my power felt pretty good.  I almost felt as if I was being told, "Let go Michelle and love him freely."  So, that is what I am going to do.

I enjoyed praying for my hubby during the day, for our marriage, for our family and will continue to try and keep this on the forefront of my mind daily.  Prayer doesn't only have to be done at meals and bedtime. I feel it will do only more good in my marriage to keep praying during the day.

I am letting go and loving him freely.

~Mellie

***************************

Well, that's a bummer (the above blog). Am I allowed to read my spouse's blog before I write my own? I tend to avoid doing so, as I am afraid doing so may impact my blog...my feelings...my response.

I was right. As usual.

I hereby declare myself "demon free". Is that how it works? If so, where do I sign. Hmm...somebody call someone.

I prayed for Peace, Security, and Happiness for my wife. For my wife's heart. I prayed numerous times throughout the day. In fact, so much so, that my wife offered to buy my a rug (a reference to our Muslim friends).

We all our responsible for our own actions. We are all accountable to someone. Most of all, we are accountable to ourselves. I have learned a lot. I have seen my wife experience incredible highs and incredible lows during our 10-year relationship, all of which were drive by what I had done or not done.

I understand that I lead my family. I understand that I set the tone and the path that they follow. Sure, some days I think about it and want to go hide somewhere for just a few hours of "me time." But, I accept my responsibility that God has bestowed upon me and look forward to working at being the best man, husband, leader--I can be.

No matter what, I know my wife loves me, forgives me, and respects me.

Now, I have to learn to do the same thing (for myself).

~ Joseph

The Love Dare-Day Fifteen

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  Itmight be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listenand speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is esteemed in your eyes.

Love is honorable-Live withyour wives in an understanding way.... and show her honor as a fellow heir ofthe grace of life.  There are certain words in our language that havepowerful meanings. Whenever these words are used, an air of respect isassociated with them.  One of these words is honor.  To honor someonemeans to give them respect and high esteem, to treat them as being special and of great worth.  You keep your language clean and understandable. You are courteous and polite.  You take them seriously and give their words weight and significance.  Honoring your mate means giving him or her your full attention, not talking to them from behind a newspaper or with oneeye on the television.  You give your mate's voice and opinion equal influence in your mind.  You honor what they have to say.  They matter, and you show them that in every way.  He or she is sacred to you,a person to be honored, praised and defended.  This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you.  Is that the way it is in your marriage?  Would your mate say you honor and respect them? Do you consider them set apart and highly valued?  Holy?  Love honors when it's rejected.  Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you getting return.  You are to be devoted to one another in love.  But whenyour attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to honor just the same.That's what love dares do-to say "Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most.  Of all the things I am willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you.  With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults-past and present- I still choose to love and honor you." That's how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled.  That's how you lead your heart to truly love your mate again. And that's the beauty of honor. 


"Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most."

This statement couldn't be any more true for me towards my hubby, however when it comes to honorable love I feel this chapter has a lot to teach both of us.

As I have grown older in my marriage so have my thoughts and dreams.  With this maturity has came an understanding that MY way of thinking I am honoring my hubby isn't necessary achieving that goal.  I have really had to learn that my hubby's definition of honor and respect can be totally opposite of mine.

It's pretty black and white to me.  Honor and respect him by only doing actions that I would be able to do in front of my hubby.  Honor and respect him by letting him know I value his thoughts, hard work and look to him for input and assistance in my life.  Honor and respect him by ensuring that he knows no other person is worthy of my time.  Honor and respect his reputation in everything I do.  Honor and respect him by helping him understand I value him more than any other human.  Honor and respect him by speaking the truth in all areas of our lives. Honor and respect him by showing him my love is true and real.  

This chapter makes me look beyond MY thinking of how I honor and respect my hubby and forces me to try and learn from him what HE needs to feel honor and respected. The things I list above are really what I need to feel honored and respected, this may not be in line with my hubby's.  It weighs heavy on my heart and soul to think how my hubby represents me in the public eye when it comes to our marriage.  What is the unspoken message he is saying to others about me as a wife and his value he places on our marriage.  This may not cross his mind as one of his ways of feeling honored and respected but it is a huge trigger point for me.  This is just one example of how I can be putting my needs into his needs and being totally off.

When we got married and as we grew together a topic like this was not apart of our discussions for expectations.  We talked more about who would do what in the marriage, how we would raise our kids, what our future plans were, ever did we talk about our expectations for honor and respect. 

I like this chapter because it forces us to look beyond what we THINK we are doing for each other and makes us really look at and have to discuss what we NEED to do for each other. I have to be open to hear what he needs and see if I am able to provide it for him.  I know there are things that will be rough and some things I am probably not going to like but as long as we are both getting what we need out of the marriage and we are both feeling like it's a partnership and each is making changes for the other than I don't see anything that isn't possible for us.  

"Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most."  My hubby is my best friend, the only person I want to be with and it is my honor to show him I value him and respect him and want him to feel this way each and everyday of our lives.  It is my duty to him and to God to do this in the best way possible.

~Mellie 

****

Often, I hear married and previously married couples talk about change, and how they changed from when they first got married. They are not the same people they were when they married (insert 2, 5, or 10 years) ago. They grew apart. They didn't know each other anymore. They were just kids when they got together.

Of course they changed. We all have.

I am 38 years old. I am not the same person I was when I was 30. I am barely the same person I was 6 months ago, and I am certainly not the same person that I was when I was 28, which is when I first started seeing Michelle.

Likewise, Michelle is a different person now than she was 10-11 years ago.

Fortunately, we have grown and changed together. We have developed and matured as adults, together. We  have found and enjoyed new passions, together. From the relatively mundane (sharing a love of a few TV shows), to the critically important--shared values as a family/ manner in which we raise our children. We have developed together. 

Our love of physical fitness, which neither one of us brought into the marriage--developed together. Our outlook on politics and foreign affairs--developed together. Our love of the game of football--developed together. Our types of vacations and stay-cations..security in routine. Love of healthy food, and nights away at a hotel ordering room service till our hearts consent...only to hit the gym doubly hard the next day. Our new found love for learning and exploring white wines.

We have done all of this and so much more, together.

Yes, we have differences. This is both normal and, perhaps, even healthy. But frankly, they would be difficult for me to enumerate because our differences pale when compared to our likeness and shared values.

This all brings me to a point: I have learned, slowly but surely, that when I honor and respect Michelle, in the way I know she needs to be honored and respected, I am truly honoring and respecting myself. When I hold her in high-esteem and value her, by my thoughts, words, and deeds, I am holding myself in high-esteem and valuing myself.

Because Michelle and I are truly one in the same. We have a union under the laws of man, but more importantly, we are a union under Christ.

Does that make our marriage easy? No. Does that mean we are carefree and trouble free? Well, if you've ever read a few blogs of ours, you would know the answer is an astounding "No!".

But I love her. I am committed to her. I know, God-willing, she is the one I will grow old with. And, whether she dies first or I do, I  know we will be together in this life and the next.

We are still together because our soulful and spiritual bond is strong. We are together because we are each others' best friend, lover, and life-partner. We are together because we are truly both deeply in love with each other. 

I share my embrace and tenderness only with her, and in doing so, honor and respect ourselves and our family.

She is me, and I am her.


~ Joseph