Love encourages- Day 27

Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. – Psalm 25:20

Marriage has a way of altering our vision. We go in expecting our mate to fulfill our hopes and to make us happy. But this is an impossible order for our spouse to fill. Unrealistic expectations breed disappointment. The higher your expectations, the more likely your spouse will fail you and cause you frustration.

If a wife expects her husband to always be on time, clean up after himself, and understand all her needs, she will likely live most her married life in constant disappointment. But if she gets realistic and understands that he’s human, forgetful, and sometimes thoughtless, then she will be more delighted when he is responsible, loving, and kind.

Divorce is nearly inevitable when people refuse to allow their spouses to be human. So there needs to be a transition in your thinking. You must choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations. The way your spouse has been for the last ten years is likely what he or she will be in the future apart from your loving encouragement and an intervention from God. Love puts the focus on personal responsibility and improving yourself rather than on demanding more from others.

Jesus painted a picture of this when He talked about the person who saw the “speck” in his brother’s eye but didn’t notice the “log” in his own.

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:4-5).

Does your spouse feel like they’re living with a speck inspector? Are they routinely on edge, fearful of not living up to your expectations? Would they say they spend most days sensing more of your disapproval than your acceptance?

Perhaps you’d respond by saying that the problem is not with you but with them. If they really do come up short in a lot of areas, why is that your fault? As far as you’re concerned, it takes both of you doing everything you can to make marriage work. If your mate doesn’t want you to be so critical, they need to realize that the issues you bring up are legitimate. You’re not saying you’re perfect, by any mean, but it does seem like you should be able to say what you think. Right?

The problem with this kind of attitude is that few people are able to respond to criticism with total objectivity. When it seems clear that someone is unhappy with you – whether by direct confrontation or the silent treatment – it’s hard not to take their displeasure personally. Especially in marriage.

After all, unlike any other friendship, your relationship with your spouse began with both of you bending over backwards to please the other. When your mate was your boyfriend or girlfriend, they were completely charmed by your personality. You could almost do no wrong. Your life together was so much easier. And though you didn’t expect it to stay that way forever, you certainly didn’t see them being so sinful and getting so angry with you. You never expected that this man or woman who promised to love you could get to where they didn’t even seem to like you.

So when this stark contrast becomes living reality, your natural reaction is to resist it. During the early days of marriage, you may have been more inclined to listen and make subtle changes. But as the years go by, your spouse’s disapproval only tends to entrench you. Rather than making you want to correct things, it makes you want to dig in even deeper.

Love is too smart for that. Instead of putting your mate in a position to rebel, love teaches you to give them room to be themselves. Even if you’re the goal-oriented type who places high demands on yourself, love calls you not to project your hard-driving ways onto your mate’s performance. You must realize that marriage is a relationship to be enjoyed and savored along the way. It’s a unique friendship designed by God Himself where two people live together in flawed imperfection but deal with it by encouraging each other, not discouraging them.

The Bible says, “Encourage the exhausted, and strengthen the feeble” (Isaiah 35:3). “Encourage one another and build up one another … Encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, 14).

Don’t you want married life to be a place where you can enjoy free expression of who you are, growing within a safe environment that encourages you even when you fail? Your spouse does too – and love gives them that privilege. If your wife or husband has told you on more than one occasion that you make them feel beat down and defeated, you need to take these words to heart. Make a commitment to daily let go of unrealistic expectations and become your spouse’s greatest encourager. And the person they’re created by God to be will begin to emerge with new confidence and love for you.

Today’s Dare

Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you’re expecting too much, and tell them you’re sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you’ll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.
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If there is one thing I am sure my husband is clear of, it is my unconditional love for him.  My actions over the past few years of our marriage have demonstrated that beyond measures I even knew I was capable of.  But that is in no way a free ticket for me to not continue to come up with new ways to show him.  

The unspoken expectations in our marriage I think are both understood by each other and most of the time played out.  Neither of us have this fantasy that our marriage should be one way or the other.  At times we have allowed our own selfishness get in the way thus giving ourselves permission to accuse one another for something that has gone wrong but is virtually the mistake of the one person doing the accusing.

I am my husband's biggest cheerleader, I am also one of the people closest to him that could bring him down the most.  That is a lot of responsibility to have as a wife.  Most days my mind is constantly going in the background of my day thinking about ways to improve my marriage and show my hubby what he means to me.  I have had times in the past where my expectations were that he would be doing the same, and when those expectations were not met I found heartache and felt unloved.

We each love differently.  No two people love the same way.  This doesn't mean they don't love it just means like everything else we all do things in our own way.  My hubby is not the most romantic person in the world.  He doesn't cook me breakfast in bed, he doesn't bring me flowers to work with my favorite coffee drink, he doesn't light candles all over the bedroom.  Does this make me think he does not love me, no it just reminds me that he loves in his own way and he shows romance in his own way and that is perfectly fine with me.

I have learned over the years that one way to have a successful marriage is to allow my hubby to be himself.  This does not mean that I condone his behavior that damages our marriage, I never will.  But this means that I am not trying to mold him into a shape that I think will fit into the marriage puzzle I have in my head.  If I allow him to be himself and find his own path then perhaps one day he will be his best he can be with Me. 
   Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds. (Hebrews 10:24)

Wife's prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for my beautiful marriage. We have are ups and downs, we have our good times and hard times, but we continue to grow from our experience together. Our love is deepening and our marriage is strengthening. I am incredibly grateful for the man you have gifted to me. I pray that I can be his helper and that I would humbly serve him. Fill my heart with compassion for his needs and wants. Please give me understanding so that I may know him better. I also pray that we take more time to celebrate. Each new day you give to us is a gift and I want us to embrace it with joy. I pray that we laugh more, play more, and appreciate every season we endure together. Help us celebrate our marriage in Jesus name AMEN!

The Love Dare-Day Twenty-Five

  What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ. – 2 Corinthians 2:10

This one is tough – perhaps the toughest dare in the book. But if there is to be any hope for your marriage, this is a challenge that must absolutely be taken seriously. Counselors and ministers who deal with broken couples on a regular basis will tell you that this is the most complex problem of all, a rupture that is often the last to be repaired. It cannot just be considered and contemplated but must be deliberately put into practice. Forgiveness has to happen, or a successful marriage won’t.

Jesus painted a vivid image of forgiveness in His parable of the ungrateful servant. A man who owed a sizable sum of money was surprised when his master heard his appeals for mercy and totally canceled his debt. But upon being released from this enormous load, the servant did a most unexpected thing; he went to another man who owed him a much smaller amount and demanded immediate payment. When the master heard of it, things changed dramatically in his arrangement with the slave. “His lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him” (Matthew 18:34). A day that had begun with joy and relief ended in grief and hopelessness.

Torture. Prison. When you think of unforgiveness, this is what should come to your mind, for Jesus said, “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of does not forgive his brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:35).

Imagine you find yourself in a prison-like setting. As you look around, you see a number of cells visible from where you’re standing. You see people from your past incarcerated there – people who wounded you as a child. You see people you once called friends but who wronged you at some point in life. You might see one or both of your parents there, perhaps a brother or sister or some other family member. Even your spouse is locked in nearby, trapped with all the others in this jail of your own making.

This prison, you see, is a room in your own heart. This dark, drafty, depressing chamber exists inside you every day. But not far away, Jesus is standing there, extending to you a key that will release every inmate.

No. You don’t want any part of it. These people have hurt you too badly. They knew what they were doing and yet they did it anyway – even your spouse, the one you should have been able to count on most of all. So you resist and turn away. You’re unwilling to stay here any longer – seeing Jesus, seeing the key in His hand, knowing what He’s asking you to do. It’s just too much.

But in trying to escape, you make a startling discovery. There is no way out. You’re trapped inside with all other captives. Your unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness have made a prisoner of you as well. Like the servant in Jesus’ story, who was forgiven an impossible debt, you have chosen not to forgive and have been handed over to the jailers and torturers. Your freedom is now dependent on your forgiveness.

Coming to this conclusion usually takes us a while. We see all kinds of dangers and risks involved in forgiving others. For instance, what they did was really wrong, whether they admit it or not. They may not even be sorry about it. They may feel perfectly justified in their actions, even going so far as to blame you for it. But forgiveness doesn’t absolve anyone of blame. It doesn’t clear their record with God. It just clears you of having to worry about how to punish them. When you forgive another person, you’re not turning them loose. You’re just turning them over to God, who can be counted on to deal with them His way. You’re saving yourself the trouble of scripting any more arguments or trying to prevail in this situation. It’s not about winning and losing anymore. It’s about freedom. It’s about letting go.

That’s why you often hear people who have genuinely forgiven say, “It felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders.” Yes, that’s exactly what it is. It’s like a breath of fresh air rushing into your heart. The stale dankness of the prison house is flooded with light and coolness. For the first time in a long time, you feel at peace. You feel free.

But how do you do it? You release your anger and the responsibility for judging this person to the Lord. “Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

How do you know you’ve done it? You know it when the thought of their name or the sight of their face – rather than causing your blood to boil – causes you to feel sorry for them instead, to pity them, to genuinely hope they get this turned around.

There’s so much more that could be said and so many emotional issues you may need to fight through to get there. But great marriages are not created by people who never hurt each other, only by people who choose to keep “no record of wrongs” (1 Corinthians 13:5).

Today’s Dare

Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive."
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I have done this chapter in the past and it continues to be one that is on my mind at all times...... forgiveness.  This ranks in the top ten, right next to Pride, as being one of the most difficult emotions for me to overcome. 

I like to think of myself as a simple person.  It doesn't take much for me to be happy, feel safe, feel loved, feel valued and share myself with people.  I often put out more than I get back and I am fine with that.   I try and treat people as I would want to be treated.  Does this mean I am perfect, that I have never hurt anyone in my life or done wrong to others..... sadly, no.  I am human, but I try and do the best I can and I try and be the best I can be.  I have made many mistakes along the way but I really feel like I learn and am able to move on.

If anyone knows me they know that my hubby and I have had struggles in the past, even a separation that neither of us thought we could recover from.  With that separation has been issues of trust, forgiveness and trying to build a new relationship between the two of us.  It has been a long road and a very rocky one at times.  There have been days that I was sure I was never going to survive and there have been issues I thought I would never be able to forgive. 

One day in particular, not so long ago, I was sitting on my bed listening to my hubby talk about things that were very painful to the both of us.  He was opening up to me and telling me things that frankly I wanted to know, but really did not want to hear.  As I listened to him and took in what was being said I recall my first thought was about him.  All I could think about was the pain I could hear in my hubby's voice and the sorrow he was expressing.  His words came clear, direct and with a shaken voice and it made me hurt for him.  Here I was in a moment of purity with my spouse and where others would be upset and focused on their pain all I could think about was his and the demons he had been fighting.

This situation, to me, proves that God is in my heart.  And that it is not my job to focus on the past and the pain we have caused each other in our marriage but to focus on the healing and how I can give this pain for myself and for my hubby to God and ask Him to take it away.  Forgiveness came to me easily that day and I know it is because I allowed God to take care of me.

Things have shifted since that day and I feel a bond with my hubby that honestly in the first time in our marriage I have really truly felt.  I still have fear, and I still have days where I feel insecure and worry about things changing again.  But I can see the change in my hubby and I can see his understanding and love for me more now than ever.

"But great marriages are not created by people who never hurt each other, only by people who choose to keep “no record of wrongs”   

I choose to keep no record on wrongs in my marriage.  I take each day as a new day to improve my marriage, myself and my bond with my hubby and I choose to love him better than I have ever loved him in the past.  Great marriages are created by two people who choose to love and let go, and this is what I choose to do... but rather than letting go I choose to give it to God.

I have carried pain in my heart for many years, I choose to not carry that pain anymore and choose to love.

-Mellie







Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing. (Luke 23:34).

A Glorious Difficutly- Day three

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers (and sisters) live together in unity!" - Psalm 133:1

Marriage is glorious.  And yes, sometimes marriage is difficult. Okay. A lot of the time it is difficult.  For everyone.  This doesn't necessarily mean we are blowing it.  Partly, it simply means we are human beings.  When John and I got married, we looked forward to years of intimacy and laughter and the joy of being husband and wife.  Our expectations of ease and marital bliss were quickly.... not met.  We were stunned.  Most couples are.  But, for heaven's sake, bringing together a man and a woman- two creatures who think, act, and feel so differently-- and asking them to get along for the rest of their lives under the same roof is like taking Cinderella and Huck Finn, tossing them in a submarine, and locking the hatch.  What should we think will happen?

Actually, before you lock the hatch, toss in the constant experience of all our fears, our wounded hearts, our self-centeredness, our self-doubts, and our resolute commitments to self-protection.  Good Lord, help us.  Anyone looking for undeniable proof of the existence of God need look no further.  The fact that any marriage makes it is a miracle of the first order.  Bona fide proof that there are forces in the universe working on behalf of mankind.

Think of all those fairy tales about a boy and a girl who find themselves thrown together in a dangerous land, working together while each carries a tragic flaw that pricks the other.  Those fairy tales have it right.  The husband is that boy.  The wife is that girl.  And your life is the adventure through that dangerous land.

But gloriously, we all are on the road to becoming the man or the woman we are meant to be.  To cooperate with God and yield to his desires for our lives is what speeds the process.  None of us is perfect.  In fact, many of our unique quirks are not so endearing!  Though we share much in common with our spouses, we are so different from each other as well.  Wonderfully, gloriously different.

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Dear God,

I surrender my life to you again today.  I want to be the person that you have created me to be.  Please show me the areas in life  that I need to repent of and be healed of.  I want to change for the good.  I choose to cooperate with you.  Lord, I pray to see my life and my marriage the way you do.  I don't want to just eke by in our marriage.  I want all the life and joy and victory and oneness that's possible!  In your name, Jesus, I pray.  Amen

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Amen!  I am really enjoying this book and it's daily devotion.  It not only allows me time to get closer to God it allows me time to get my mind right with my marriage. 

I am not one for Fairy Tales, I never was as a child either.  I can enjoy a good love story but I am not one to get lost in the fantasy of love and living "happily ever after."  With that being said I can see a shift in my marriage that is becoming more clear everyday.

Everyone knows how much I adore my hubby.  Everyone knows what I would do for him and for us to keep moving forward into a stronger relationship.  In times past I have proven that he has my undying love.  For the first time in a long time I truly feel that we are doing just that... moving forward into a stronger relationship.

The author of this book is correct, marriages working are proof there are forces in the universe working on behalf of us helping us continue on our path and not only staying married but BEING married to one another.  My hubby recently made a statement to me.  He said, "Sometimes I wonder if because we are doing so well something is out there trying to keep us from having a successful marriage."  This was like a light going on in my head because I have felt the same way many times over the years.  I feel like not only is there a force helping us be stronger with one another but there is a force trying to prevent it too.

I am determined to show my hubby an unconditional love that honors and respects him and our marriage.  I am determined to show forgiveness, peace and grace.  I am determined to walk my walk with God and build my relationship with Him and share that relationship with my hubby.  All things are possible when you allow God to guide you.  I am determined to find our "happily ever after" that fulfills us both.

"I can do everything through Christ, who give me strength."  -Philippians 4:13

The Love Dare- Day Twenty four

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.  – 1 John 2:17

Adam and Eve were supplied with everything they needed in the Garden of Eden.  They had fellowship with God and intimacy with one another.  But after Eve was deceived by the serpent, she saw the forbidden fruit and set her heart on it.  Before long, Adam joined in her wishes, and against God’s command both of them ate.

That’s the progression.  From eyes to heart to action.  And then follows shame and regret.

We, too, have been supplied with everything we need for a full, productive, enriching life.  “We have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either” (1 Timothy 6:7).  But the Bible goes on to say that, having basics of food and clothing, we should be “content.”  And Jesus promised these two things would always be provided to God’s children (Matthew 6:25-33).

God’s blessings, however, go so far beyond these fundamental needs, we could rightly say that we want for nothing.  Yet like Adam and Eve, we still want more.  So we set our eyes and hearts on seeking worldly pleasure.  We try to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways.  For many it’s seeking sexual fulfillment in another person or in pornographic images designed to feel like a real person.  We look, stare, and fantasize.  We try to be discreet but barely turn our eyes away.  And once our eyes are capture by curiosity, our hearts become entangled. Then we act on our lust.

We can also lust after possessions or power or prideful ambition.  We see what others have and we want it.  Our hearts are deceived into saying, “I could be happy if I only had this.”  Then we make the decision to go after it.

“But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction” (1 Timothy 6:9).

Lust is in opposition to love.  It means to set your heart and passions on something forbidden.  And for a believer it’s the first step out of fellowship with the Lord and with others.  That’s because every object of your lust – whether it’s a young coworker or a film actress, or coveting after a half-million dollar house or a sports car – represents the beginnings of a lie.  This person or thing that seems to promise sheer satisfaction is more like a bottomless pit of unmet longings.

Lust always breeds more lust.  “What is the source of the wars and the fights among you?  Don’t they come from the cravings that are at war within you?  (James 4:1 HCSB).  Lust will make you dissatisfied with your husband or wife.  It breeds anger, numbs hearts, and destroys marriages.  Rather than fullness, it leads to emptiness.

It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill.  Lust is like a warning light on the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you are not allowing God’s love to fill you.  When your eyes and heart are on Him, your actions will lead you to lasting joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemnation.

“His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.  For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust” (2 Peter 1:3-4).

Are you tired of being lied to by lust?  Are you fed up with believing that forbidden pleasures are able to keep you happy and content?  Then begin setting your eyes on the Word of God.  Let His promises of peace and freedom work their way into your heart.  Daily receive the unconditional love He has already proven to your through the cross. Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment.

You’ll find yourself so full on what He provides, you won’t be hungry anymore for the junk food of lust.

And while you’re at it, set your eyes and heart on your spouse again.  “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth … Be exhilarated always with her love.  For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner?  For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He watches all his paths” (Proverbs 5:18-21).

“Do not love the world nor the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15).  Lust is the best this world has to offer, but love offers you the best life in the world.


Today’s Dare

End it now.  Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it.  Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom.  It must be killed and destroyed – today – and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Act as free men, and do not use your freedom as a covering for evil.  (1 Peter 2:16)

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"It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. "


This part of the passage really stands out to me because for as long as I can recall I have been looking for a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction.  When I was younger I thought "if only I had a bigger family or a closer family this would fulfill me."  When I got older I thought "if I get married then perhaps this would fulfill me."  But in reality the one true thing that can fulfill me is finding my own way with my God.

So many times I have talked about giving it to God and handing over my issues to Him, yet I never can seem to get to that point of actually doing it.  I know that my fulfillment in my life will come from a close relationship with my hubby and being the best mom I can be to my kids.  But what really will fulfill me is the relationship I yearn for with God.  He is the one I have to invite fully into my heart and He is the one I have to turn things over to when they are too much for me.  He is the one I need to get on bended knee for and He is the one that will help guide me to a better eternity. 

Things do not satisfy me, I am not the type of person who needs to have the newest model of anything.  I do enjoy nice things and I work hard for them but what I really seek is that lasting fulfillment that I get becoming closer to God.  Finding my way to God will also help me be a stronger, more stable person who can then have a strong and stable marriage.  These two go hand in hand and I know my day is coming.  I have fought long and hard for both and it is time to step back and enjoy both relationships.

"All things are possible through Christ."