Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

The Love Dare for Parents~Day 2

Father's, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.  ~Ephesians 6:4

When you truly love someone, two key attributes will show up on a regular basis:  patience and kindness.  In fact, many other characteristics of love are based upon these two attributes.  Patience is how love diffuses something negative; kindness is how love initiates something positive.  One takes in a deep breath, the other breathes out life.  As you know, raising a child requires an unlimited supply of both.  But today, we will focus on the first of these two essentials... patience.

Patience is when love chooses to "suffer long" for the greater good of another.  It is like an experienced farmer who knows that fruitful field only come if he is willing to endure the heat of the sun.  Patience is alike a wise builder who spend long hours slaving over blueprints, negotiating contracts, and overseeing supplies so his desired vision can become a reality.  Both the farmer and the builder must persist when they want to resist.  They must daily keep investing time and hard effort until they can celebrate the great harvest of the open house.

Likewise, being a loving parent requires a long supply of his amazing attribute.  You are cultivating and building up your children, and all your work and sacrifice will ultimately pay off.  But today requires your enduring patience.  It is something we all need but rarely delight in demonstrating.  Yet love invites us to exercise it frequently as parents.  And when we do, it brings maturity both to us and our children, as well as needed grace and peace in the midst of our problems.

Children have an amazing ability to test the level of their parents' patience by their tone, disobedience, irresponsibility, or any lack of respect.  Sometimes parents can feel so angry, they say or do things in the heat of the emotion that damage young hearts and minds.  The impact can leave a deep and lasting emotional scar for many years to come.

This is why we find God's patience so exemplary.  When Moses was on the mountaintop, he discovered why God kept putting up with His rebellious, complaining children:  God was "compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in loving kindness" (Exodus 34:6).  He let His overflowing love control His anger.  Whenever He did choose to be angry and firm, it was only after multiple, extended demonstrations of His compassion and patience. 

Today, God is still gracious and patient with us as His children.  So when we are unlovable and selfish, distracted and disobedient, we need to remember His enduring love for us and let His example of love overflow onto us and our children.

We must refuse to spring off the handle in front of our offspring.  When they see us controlling our anger, it teaches them to control theirs.  The Scripture says, "Be angry, and yet do not sin."  (Ephesians 4:26)  Sometimes anger is appropriate, but we should never let it get out of bounds.  Discipline and correction must be wisely rationed, but only after we've first demonstrated loving patience. 

Do your children see you as an angry, frustrated parent?  Or would they describe you as compassionate and patient instead?  Love chooses restraint.  It controls your emotions rather than letting them control you.  It challenges you to develop a long fuse instead of igniting a short temper.  If you unnecessarily blow your top, it reminds you to humble yourself and quickly apologize, know much is at stake.

Wrath, on the hand, is cruel.  (Proverbs 27:4) It divides and isolates.  It weakens us and wounds others.  It causes us to behave in foolish, regrettable ways.  It almost never makes things better and usually generates additional problems.

If you struggle with anger, ask yourself why.  Are you expectations realistic?  Are you angry with someone else and taking it out on your kids?  You may harbor painful memories of a parent's harsh anger toward you when you were young.  But the pain doesn't need to be passed on to your children.

Sometimes anger is rooted in our own sin and hypocrisy.  We often get the most angry with our kids in the same areas where we ourselves are weak.  But overrating to wrongful actions and attitudes that are familiar to us doesn't do anything to "fix" us, and it only frustrates them.  That's where a humble confession may yield more effective instruction than the firm anger of your correction.  When they know you love them and can admit your own humanity, your counsel and training carry much more meaning.

Patience is always welcome.  It gives people more time to work through their issues.  It beautifully diffuses conflict before trouble has a chance to escalate.  It whispers peace into situations brewing toward eruption.  It's not a blanket form of tolerance that lets everything go, but rather a wise surveyor of the situation, allowing proper steps to be taken.

Parenting does call for action against carelessness and defiance.  But we must differentiate between true rebellion and what might be childish ignorance.  Our kids don't think like us; why do we expect them to act like us?  We must factor in the circumstances, their age, and their level of maturity.

So instead of rising up and tearing down, let love calm you down.  Then you can build them up.  The more patient you today, the more victories you can celebrate tomorrow.

 Write the words "Love is Patient" on a piece of paper and temporarily tape it to your mirror and refrigerator.  When you see it over the next few weeks, purpose to display patience throughout the day as a further demonstration of your love to your children."

-The Love Dare for Parents by Stephen and Alex Kendrick

When I was growing up and resided with my mother our home was filled with anger.  My mother use to call it her "red headed temper" I, on the other hand, had other names for it even as a small child.  My mother was quick to get angry, quick to yell, and quick to throw things in the house.  When the three of us kids, or anyone else for that matter, made her angry it would last for days, sometimes into weeks.  She was the Queen of giving us the cold shoulder.  I recall at a very young age when she use to say to us after getting mad, "I don't care what you do, do what you want."  

I remember hearing that statement from my mother more times than I could count growing up.  I recall it use to make me feel resentment towards her because I felt as if I then was put into a position to win her love back.  Somehow if I changed MY behavior towards her then she would care what I did again.  This pattern of not feeling loved has been carried with me throughout my entire life and in all my relationships, even to this day in one form or the other.

Growing up I use to say to myself and everyone else, "I was NOT going to be like my mother!"  I was not going to raise my kids the way she raised myself and my brothers, I was not going to talk to my kids the way she would and still does speak to us.  I was going to break that chain and give my kids more.  Being a mother now, going on 21 years, I would like to think I have done just that.  That I have accomplished all the things I set out NOT to do with my kids.  But the reality is when you live in a certain atmosphere, things just become a part of you no matter how hard you try to avoid it.

I am quick to anger, especially when I feel threatened in my life.  I am quick to show my frustration with my kids when they are not taking advantage of the chances they have in life, especially the chances I never had.  I am quick to allow my emotions, especially with my older boys and my hubby, to control me and run away with me.  I am not quilt free of any circumstances my own mother displayed to me as a child, but I can say that I have never taken them to the extreme she did.

The book asks you to ask yourself "Do your children see you as an angry, frustrated parent?  Or would they describe you as compassionate and patient instead?"   I truly think that my kids do see me as compassionate but know that when I am pushed to the end of my ledge about something that I am passionate about then the emotions can come out and they WILL be raw.  I have never in their lives, all 5 of them, ever told them I never cared about them or cared about what they did in life.  I have never washed my hands of my kids or their feelings.  

But I can see after reading this chapter that there are some areas that I need to improve in.  I need to do a better job at hearing my kids, especially the older ones, and taking in what they have to say.  I do not want my children to ever look back on their childhood and recall that their mother was a tyrant, and honestly I do not think they would.  But there are times when I am so tired, or so stressed that I might take my frustration of others out on them and this of course is NOT what I want for any of them.

"Love is Patient" is the best lesson for me and came today as a much needed reminder.  I must be more patient in all areas of my life and I must demonstrate this to my children so that they understand this too.  So many times in this face paced life we are all about instant gratification when really we should just be sitting back and finding the beauty in the moment.  So many times I have rushed decisions because I want the pain or anxiety it is causing me to be over, when really I should just be sitting quietly and waiting for the answers to come to me.  And of course I have to learn, after 41 years of life, how NOT to let my emotions run away with me and carry me into a darkness of the abyss.

I must allow love to calm me down so that I WILL have more victories to celebrate tomorrow.


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Mommy FEAREST!!!!!!!!!

"My soul is weary with sorrow, strengthen me accoridng to Your word."  
~Psalm 119:28

I have spent the last few weeks reflecting on my life as it stands today, the childhood that brought me to this point and the choices I have made.  This reflection has brought some understanding to the person I am now and hopefully will help me change and become the person I want to be.

When I look back onto my life as a child my memories are really from the age of 11 and up.  This was a significant time for me full of changes and challenges that would truly begin the development into my adult life.

I always looked at life with childlike eyes.  My eyes were wide open, aware of everything around me and aware that I was destined for a bigger life than the one playing out for me. However, along with those big eyes of wonder and hope I hide a dark secret behind them, fear and anxiety.

At the age of 11 I was living with my mother and two older brothers.  Life was not easy as a child.  My mother was a single mom, who for years dated a married man with a family of his own.  It was known and understood in our home that we were not to talk about this with anyone, especially the wife who happened to be my mother's friend.  My mother really never worked outside of the home.  She relied on the income of social security from the death of my two brothers' father.  In addition to the social security checks my mother had support from the married man.  This developed a very unstable lifestyle because we were constantly moving from rental to rental.  My mother would move us because she got bored or she would have to move us because she could not pay the rent anymore.  We moved once and sometimes twice a year from as far back as I could remember till the age of 14.  This created the fear and anxiety of not feeling secure.

My mother loved her kids; there was never a question of that.  However, the love my mother had for the three of us was not the normal mother child love.  It was clear to me at a young age that my mother felt slated.  She felt as if her life should have gone another way.  She use to tell me the day she married my brothers' father she told her own mother she didn't want to marry him.  My mother explained to me that her mother told her it was too late for that kind of thinking and basically said "You are going marry this man."  I could always sense the resentment when she would talk about this to me.  It was not a story that she shared in hopes to help me understand that she wouldn't force me to marry someone I didn't want to.  Rather it was a story of self-pity and almost a way for her to lash out at her kids saying if only that one decision could be changed her life would have been so much different.  This created the fear of not being loved.

When I think about the relationship I had with my mother it was a giving one, me giving to her.  I basically took on the role of trying to make sure my mother was happy.  I cared for her needs as well as tried to care for my own.  My mother would go through weeks of depression.  She would be up all night and sleep all day.  This required me to have to not only have to care for myself but take care of the house as best as I could at that young age.  It was always my goal to make sure she had what she needed.  I loved her so much I wanted to have her love  me back and I thought the way to achieve this was to give myself to her and care for her in any way I could. But no matter how hard I tried or how much I gave to her, I could never pull her out of her depression and I could never help her accept and make the most of her life within herself and with the three of us kids. This created the fear of not being good enough.

My mother could not tell the truth to save her life.  My brothers use to get so mad at her because she would tell us we were going to do something or she was going to do this with us and those times would come and go.  Our life was full of empty promises and lies.  My mother would make promises to us that she would never keep.  She would tell us about a trip she was planning only to find out it was trip she was taking by herself and would leave us with friends.  My mother would promise to come to school events but then never show up for one reason or the other.    This created the anxiety of not trusting.

I always defended my mother and always stuck by her side trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.  I was the peacemaker in the family and I wanted everyone to be happy.  Looking back I can see my pattern was that I believed if I gave her unconditional love her own heart would soften towards me and my brothers and she would finally step up to be the mother we all wanted her to be.  But she continually chooses her own feelings over ours, made choices that really benefited her first and continued to make promises she could not keep.

It's funny how you can go through life continuing on a pattern of behaviors that you are not even aware you are doing.  Then one morning at 2:00 am it all becomes clear that you have lived your whole life this way.  I have always given people the benefit of the doubt.  I have always wanted to give myself to those in need in hopes to help them become a better person.  I hide my fears and anxiety from the world in hopes to gain my own strength in others to overcome them.

As an adult when faced with these fears I have triggers that have come up over the past four years that really have set me into a spin.  I now understand how these fears affect my own life today and the choices I make.  I understand that rather running or hiding from my childhood I need to embrace it so I can understand and finally grow from it.  I have stunted my own growth due to fears of the past and fears in the present.

Fear is a very powerful emotion.  It has been embedded in me for years, this I now know and understand.  I can look back now and see the patterns I live today are mirrored by the patterns I lived as a child.  Yet rather than facing the fears young and learning how to grow from them I pushed them into the back of my mind and powered through whatever I had to get done.  Rather than learning how to manage the fear, I ignored it and simply moved on.  This can be a good thing and it can be a bad thing.

As I sit here today typing, my mind searches for a lesson or for some motivating thoughts to help anyone reading this as well as help myself. But the bottom line is I need to understand my fears and learn more about them. I need to fully understand and see that those fears as a child still live in me today as an adult. I need to understand and recognize my trigger points and work my way through them. I need to depend on my hubby more and get him on board to not seeing his wife as the strong one but rather in a position where I am vulnerable and seeking his help. I almost need to step back in my own life so that others can step forward allowing me to work on helping myself.

For so many years I have cared for everyone giving them my all, I made myself the last priority on the list. Along with putting my needs last I compartmentalized my own fears and tucked them away never to be dealt with. There is nothing wrong with fear; it is a survival emotion that can save your life. However, being stuck in these emotional and paralyzing fears is destroying me from the inside out. I don't want to live in the shadows of fear any longer.  With the Grace of God and the love and support from my hubby and friends it is time for me to break free from my fears and start living the life I was meant to live!


Thursday, January 16, 2014

What is home......

"Never make your home in a place.  Make a home for yourself inside your own head.  You'll find what you need to furnish it-memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things.  That way it will go with you wherever your journey."  ~Tad Williams

As part of my journal challenge this is what has been presented to me today:

"I am going to ask that you write three things you are really grateful for today before you even get started.  Then, How do you describe home?

  1. I am grateful for my friend who is always there for me.  She never judges me, never lectures me and only encourages me and reminds me that I am a beautiful person inside and out who motivates others even on my darkest days.
  2. I am grateful for grace
  3. I am grateful for pictures.  They serve as a memory of good times, growth and changes in the lives of my family.  I love going back and looking at pictures of myself, my hubby and our kids over the years.

When first presented with the question "How do you describe home" of course my mind went to the dwelling I live in.  But as I sit and stare at the computer screen my mind wonders to other areas of my brain.

Home is love.  Home is where I feel safe, the light shines on my face at all times and love surrounds me like a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer.  Home is a quiet and peaceful place that is also full of the noise of children playing, dogs barking and laughter.  Home is where there are no fears, no secrets, no lies and no second guessing.  Home is full of patience, grace, forgiveness and growth. Home is a place where I breathe easily and sleep soundly.  Home is where I sing and where music surrounds me daily.  Home is the warmth of a touch and the softness of a kiss.  Home is butterflies and excitement filled with the anticipation of the what the day will bring.  Home is a smile that shines ear to ear on all my children, my hubby and myself.  Home is the ultimate love.  


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Mellie The Pisces.... I will walk on the water too......

The Pisces Woman: February 19 - March 20
The Pisces temperament is gentle, romantic, caring, compassionate, and spiritual. Pisces rules the subconscious mind, and so it follows that her dreams are vivid and meaningful, even prophetic. You've got quite a glamorous sparkler on your hands--Elizabeth Taylor, Sharon Stone and Cindy Crawford are all dazzling Pisces, and each in their own way reflects the reserved and unpretentious Pisces nature. Your Pisces enchantress almost always has large and beautiful eyes which mirror her feelings openly and she could be prone to cry easily. Soft and ultra-feminine, she will put your needs ahead of hers.

                    Her feelings are very sensitive and easily hurt, so be careful how you address her. In any relationship, she likes to proceed gradually, perhaps at a slower pace than you would like. But rush her and your little fish will disappear into the depths of the sea.

                    She's mystical and poetic and she needs a regular outlet for her creative expressions. Her sign rules all non-verbal communication--symbols, gesture, dance, art, and poetry--and the Pisces woman is highly intuitive. She trusts her feelings and she reads body language perfectly, so don't try to say one thing and mean another--she will catch on quickly. Pisces will need to be alone occasionally to recharge and refresh herself, so allow her time for that. 
She's caring and sensitive to her man, but can easily be so self-effacing that she forgets her own needs. Her urge to relieve suffering in others is as strong as the life force and it is the single most important element of her nature to understand. Some people will sometimes take advantage of her good nature. Her man should help her by reminding her that it's OK to say no to favors others ask of her. At times the world can have a wearing-down effect on her self-confidence, which sometimes needs rebuilding in even the strongest Pisces women. When Pisces is hurt, she will build her own version of the world to protect herself, preferring to live in a world of dreams until she feels she is ready for re-entry into reality. Realize this is not a weakness--she will always come back--and the worst thing you could say to this fragile beauty is "Get real, or get over it!"

                    Give her a book of romantic poetry, like that of Edna St. Vincent Millay or a beautiful black & white photograph of a couple kissing. Or give her music, perhaps something soothing and spiritual, that will speak to her feelings she holds deep inside her. 
Buy her clothing in one of her favorite shades of violet, blue or sea green. She loves lace, and soft sweaters that make her feel warm and secure.  Sparkling jewels look especially beautiful on her, so consider surprising her with diamonds, amethysts or aquamarine stones. In choosing a restaurant, pick a dark, private, romantic place filled with flowers. She loves to dance (Pisces rules the feet) so take her to a club with a great band. She also loves the movies, for her ruler, Neptune, rules film and she can easily lose herself in the story. Finally, surprise her a deluxe shower head for her bathroom (Pisces is a water sign), promising her that the two of you will play under it soon.
Sex to Pisces is spiritual. She simply cannot sleep with a man she isn't in love with. She's worth waiting for--her natural sense of rhythm and grace in body movement makes her a fabulous lover. This does not preclude her from having fun with her lover--that is a certainty--but she will need a full commitment of love from you before surrendering.
No other sign loves costume and fantasy as much as Pisces does, so when you get to know her well, suggest you both go shopping together for an outfit to wear in the bedroom--a French maid? Cleopatra? Elvira, Mistress of the Dark? Her rich imagination needs fantasy, so you will be on the right track. If she is a reserved Pisces, give her a gift-wrapped bottle of her favorite scent tucked inside the pocket of a new luxurious terry robe. She'll be happy to try her new robe on and her rule will be that she wear nothing else. Then draw her close to you, turn on the water in the bath and take a long, passionate and steamy soak together. Afterwards, be sure to rub on some of the softy scented cream that you bought and let nature take its course!
My hubby and I were out last night together for dinner and as a chance to unwind together.  We were sitting at the bar at a local establishment that we love to go to when a woman, two chairs over from me grabbed my attention by commenting on the jewels I was wearing.  She shared with me how she admired my wedding ring and the contrast it had with my watch as well as a pink gem ring I was wearing.  As I humbly thanked her I caressed the back of my hubby and advised the woman that I was very spoiled.  She then noticed the ring on the hand I used to caress the back of my hubby and asked if she could see it.
This ring is my newest gift for our anniversary this last December.  It is a square amethyst surrounded by pink and white diamonds and it is simply stunning.  The woman questioned my date of birth to which I said "February 25th."  She smiled and said "Mine is February 23rd."  We exchanged a smile and I said "Power to the Pisces."
The woman gave me the warmest look and we began to have a simple yet moving exchange of thoughts.  For the purpose of describing this exchange I am going to call her Mary.
Mary:  "We are VERY intuitive."
Me:  "Yes...?"
Mary:  "It is something many do not understand, but ( as she leans back in her chair and straightens her back as if to drive her point home)  We are very intuitive and need to learn to embrace that strength." 
Me:  "It's funny that you say that I am looking to explore that side of me more so I can understand it better."
Mary:  May I ask how old you are?
Me:  "40 years old."
Mary:  "It was just about that time for me that what I was feeling WAS real.  Stop trying to tell yourself it is not real.  It is real, everything you feel is real and you need to understand it and accept it."
Me:  "Wow, those are some powerful words."
Mary:  "Do you get it?"
Me:  "Yes, I get it."
Mary:  It REALLY is what you are feeling, stop trying to convince yourself otherwise.
Me:  "Okay."
A few moments later my hubby and I got up to leave for the night.  Mary's words were ringing in my head and I was almost in a state of being numb.  I felt as if this stranger had just spoken to my soul and answered my questions I had been having in my most inner thoughts for months. 
I walked over to her chair and I put my hand on her shoulder and said to her, " Thank you for your words, you will never understand the impact they had on me and will continue to have on me and  I appreciate you sharing them with me."  Mary smiled and said "It's divine intervention."  I looked at her and said "It must be."  Mary said one last thing to me, "Remember, what you feel is real...don't let those feelings kick you in the ass!"  We wished each other well and to have  safe night and off my hubby and I went.
I shared this experience with two of m girlfriends who one told me Mary was a gift from God, he hand delivered a message to you  and the other told me the answers were in front of me.
It is amazing the people we meet in our lives and it is even more amazing how the ones we will never see again can touch us in a way that may not fully be understood.
My blog yesterday was about learning more about myself.  Three hours after that bog was this encounter and I what I learned is I need to be more open to people around me that I do not know, their messages and what I may teach them or what they can teach me.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Great things just don't happen......

“This life is what you make it. No matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And baby, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.” ― Marilyn Monroe
For a while now I have been mucking through my life. First it seemed like it was just a few days here and there, however the days turned into weeks and now have evolved into months. I could not really put my finger on what exactly was wrong or missing in my life but I just knew that I was not feeling myself. I tried to play it off that it was the MS. Rationalized it by saying my body was not use to the daily injections of my medication and was probably messing with my system, thus messing with my mind and my moods. Don't misunderstand me, looking in from the outside I was still Mellie. I was still working, going to the gym, taking care of my hubby, kids and friends and I still had that Mellie smile on my face. But on the inside, I was a child in a ball on the floor in the corner of a room sobbing. Life has a funny way of tossing you some major situations to deal with. Sometimes you get the same situation handed to you repeatedly. Just when you think you made it and overcame that obstacle the same obstacle wearing different sheep skin comes at you again and you are back at square one wondering "why the hell does this keep happening to me?"

I am a person of Faith. I truly believe in my heart that there is a God and a Heaven and one day I will be lucky enough to live out my Eternity there with my loved ones. Along with this faith comes an understanding that if I pray hard enough and I try and be the best person I can be then God will grant me the life I so badly want. This life is not a life of luxury. It is not a life of unimaginable trips. It is not a life of possessions. The life I desire is a life of love and peace where every day I can feel safe in my skin, in my heart. It's a life wherein I am so strong—I can demonstrate to my children that they have the ability to have this life too, without having to go through the years of struggles that I have endured. A few weeks ago I found myself on a path I had been on before but never thought I would be on again. Just like that I was swooped back into chaos and self-destruction feeling as if I was drowning in a sea. The details of the event never matter, because it is never about the event. The real message and lesson is beyond the actual event that can bring you to your knees and it's up to us to understand what the lesson is. I feel as humans we are so quick to place blame and excuse our own actions that take part in a problem that we forget to look for the lesson in it all. With this event all the past months finally became clear to me and I knew what was wrong. I have lost my faith. Here I thought something medically was going on with me but I forgot to think about my soul and what was spiritually going on instead. I have no faith left. This does not mean I do not believe in God, it just means I can no longer hear him inside of my soul and heart. Has there been so much pain, so much devastation and anger in my life that I have pushed Him out of my soul? This is a very hard topic for me to discuss, not only because it scares me to know I have lost my faith it also shows a weakness in me that I do not like to show. 
The battle in my mind and my heart is more than anyone can fully understand, including myself. My battle is not a battle of suicidal thoughts, but there is not one day I do not wish God would just take me home... today.  
I feel like God has brought me here for a reason. He has not abandoned me, but He has removed himself so that I can see a bigger picture and a bigger lesson in my life.  I sit in this dark place, lost, alone and to find the ultimate love and ultimate peace and to be brought back into the grace of God.

I joined an on line journaling  challenge this week.  The purpose of this challenge is to learn to dedicate time to journal as a form of meditation, exploring myself and possibly taking it to another level of "writing."   The first challenge topic today is:

"What is something you want to know MORE about?"

This comes to me at the perfect time due to the state my mind is currently in.  Here I feel I have lost my faith and rather than sitting her and feeling sorry for myself or continue to feel lost I see this as a chance to explore my faith and learn more about it.  Learn more about the words of the bible, learn more about my purpose on this Earth, learn more about myself and learn more about the person I am and who I want to continue to grow to be.  So if I had to say what that something is, that I want to learn more about,  I would say it is me!!!!!

I have to feel my way through my darkness and I have to find the light.  My life is full of love, family and friends and I can not be sitting in this place long I have too much going for me and I have too many people who depend on me.  I have asked for help from a few people to help "save me" but in the end I have to turn to God to save me and I have to look within myself to save me, no one can do it for me.  I can depend on others but I can not sit and wait for them to save me.

This journey is going to take me back to my childhood, I just know it.  This is a topic of my life that I avoid at all costs because when I look back on it as an adult it is so sad to me.  My thoughts have always been do not look back only look forward but I am learning, for myself, I have to express these painful memories so that I can wrap my head around them, embrace them, understand them, understand the lesson and then move on so I can put them to bed. 

This will not make me weak, this will not mean I am living in the past or using my childhood as an excuse but rather a chance to evaluate that time in my life and put it to rest.  Put my feelings I had during the time out there to be accepted and understood and then understand how it has made me who I am today.

This will be an interesting journey for me and one that I am a little nervous about but I truly feel is right for me at this time.  It all starts with today, and I believe I am headed in the right direction.