The Love Dare- Day Twenty four

The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever.  – 1 John 2:17

Adam and Eve were supplied with everything they needed in the Garden of Eden.  They had fellowship with God and intimacy with one another.  But after Eve was deceived by the serpent, she saw the forbidden fruit and set her heart on it.  Before long, Adam joined in her wishes, and against God’s command both of them ate.

That’s the progression.  From eyes to heart to action.  And then follows shame and regret.

We, too, have been supplied with everything we need for a full, productive, enriching life.  “We have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either” (1 Timothy 6:7).  But the Bible goes on to say that, having basics of food and clothing, we should be “content.”  And Jesus promised these two things would always be provided to God’s children (Matthew 6:25-33).

God’s blessings, however, go so far beyond these fundamental needs, we could rightly say that we want for nothing.  Yet like Adam and Eve, we still want more.  So we set our eyes and hearts on seeking worldly pleasure.  We try to meet legitimate needs in illegitimate ways.  For many it’s seeking sexual fulfillment in another person or in pornographic images designed to feel like a real person.  We look, stare, and fantasize.  We try to be discreet but barely turn our eyes away.  And once our eyes are capture by curiosity, our hearts become entangled. Then we act on our lust.

We can also lust after possessions or power or prideful ambition.  We see what others have and we want it.  Our hearts are deceived into saying, “I could be happy if I only had this.”  Then we make the decision to go after it.

“But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction” (1 Timothy 6:9).

Lust is in opposition to love.  It means to set your heart and passions on something forbidden.  And for a believer it’s the first step out of fellowship with the Lord and with others.  That’s because every object of your lust – whether it’s a young coworker or a film actress, or coveting after a half-million dollar house or a sports car – represents the beginnings of a lie.  This person or thing that seems to promise sheer satisfaction is more like a bottomless pit of unmet longings.

Lust always breeds more lust.  “What is the source of the wars and the fights among you?  Don’t they come from the cravings that are at war within you?  (James 4:1 HCSB).  Lust will make you dissatisfied with your husband or wife.  It breeds anger, numbs hearts, and destroys marriages.  Rather than fullness, it leads to emptiness.

It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill.  Lust is like a warning light on the dashboard of your heart, alerting you to the fact that you are not allowing God’s love to fill you.  When your eyes and heart are on Him, your actions will lead you to lasting joy, not to endless cycles of regret and condemnation.

“His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.  For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust” (2 Peter 1:3-4).

Are you tired of being lied to by lust?  Are you fed up with believing that forbidden pleasures are able to keep you happy and content?  Then begin setting your eyes on the Word of God.  Let His promises of peace and freedom work their way into your heart.  Daily receive the unconditional love He has already proven to your through the cross. Focus on being grateful for everything God has already given you rather than choosing discontentment.

You’ll find yourself so full on what He provides, you won’t be hungry anymore for the junk food of lust.

And while you’re at it, set your eyes and heart on your spouse again.  “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth … Be exhilarated always with her love.  For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress and embrace the bosom of a foreigner?  For the ways of a man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He watches all his paths” (Proverbs 5:18-21).

“Do not love the world nor the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him” (1 John 2:15).  Lust is the best this world has to offer, but love offers you the best life in the world.


Today’s Dare

End it now.  Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it.  Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom.  It must be killed and destroyed – today – and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Act as free men, and do not use your freedom as a covering for evil.  (1 Peter 2:16)

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"It’s time to expose lust for what it really is – a misguided thirst for satisfaction that only God can fulfill. "


This part of the passage really stands out to me because for as long as I can recall I have been looking for a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction.  When I was younger I thought "if only I had a bigger family or a closer family this would fulfill me."  When I got older I thought "if I get married then perhaps this would fulfill me."  But in reality the one true thing that can fulfill me is finding my own way with my God.

So many times I have talked about giving it to God and handing over my issues to Him, yet I never can seem to get to that point of actually doing it.  I know that my fulfillment in my life will come from a close relationship with my hubby and being the best mom I can be to my kids.  But what really will fulfill me is the relationship I yearn for with God.  He is the one I have to invite fully into my heart and He is the one I have to turn things over to when they are too much for me.  He is the one I need to get on bended knee for and He is the one that will help guide me to a better eternity. 

Things do not satisfy me, I am not the type of person who needs to have the newest model of anything.  I do enjoy nice things and I work hard for them but what I really seek is that lasting fulfillment that I get becoming closer to God.  Finding my way to God will also help me be a stronger, more stable person who can then have a strong and stable marriage.  These two go hand in hand and I know my day is coming.  I have fought long and hard for both and it is time to step back and enjoy both relationships.

"All things are possible through Christ."

 

Recovering Desire - Day Two

"What do you want?"  - John 1:38

Somewhere along the way, we all lose heart in marriage.  We all do.  It happens to the best of us.  the Dan Fogelberg song "Along the Road" speaks of a relationship that has "joy at the start," and suggest that along the journey, the heart "gets lost in the learning."

We might find a way to manage our disappointment.  We might do our best to fight off resignation, but it works its way in.  We let go of what we wanted, what we dreamed of, what we were created for.  We begin to settle.  Oftentimes we even forget what it was we wanted in the first place!

Because marriage is hard, sometimes painfully heard, your first great battle is to not lose heart. That begins rediscovering desire- the desire for the love that is written in your hear.  Let desire return.  Let it remind you of all that you wanted, all that you were created for.  And then consider this-- what if God could bring you your heart's desire?  What if the two of you could find you way to something beautiful?

That would be worth fighting for.

Don't start with, How can this happen? The how will come in time.  You have to begin with desire.  Start with what is written in your hear.  What was it that you once dreamed of as a young man or woman?  What was it that you wanted when you fell in love?

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Father, thank you for my marriage.  Thank you for my spouse.  Lord, you know where we are with each other right now.  You know the desires we each had coming into our marriage even if they were unclear to us.  And only you knew the dreams you have for our marriage.  Once again, I give my marriage to you.  I surrender myself, my spouse, and our life to you, and I ask for your will to be done in us and through us.  Holy Spirit, blow gently onto the embers of our heart's desires where we may have forgotten or abandoned wheat you placed there.  Rekindle the flame.  Remind us.  And help us keep our eyes on your as the source of all that is good and lovely and worth living for.  Let hope rise.  In Jesus' name, amen. 

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What was it that you once dreamed of as a young man or woman?  What was it that you wanted when you fell in love?

Over ten years ago I met my husband.  He was handsome, charming and very funny.  I can recall in just about every encounter with him I was left feeling happy, warm and fulfilled.  I found myself looking forward to seeing him again, choosing what I was going to wear specifically if I was going to see him and almost counting the moments until I heard his voice speak, regardless if it was directly to me or not.  I was smitten with him.

The day he took me as his wife was one of the happiest days of my life and I dreamed of growing old with him and living the life I knew I was always meant to live.  One filled with honor, trust, love, desire, respect and a friendship like no other.

Over ten years later, I still feel this way about him.  I still find myself counting the hours until I get to see him again, I still choose my clothing to what I think he would like to see me in, I am still smitten with him.  After all these years, trials and tribulations none of this has changed for me and I still dream of a relationship  filled with honor, trust, love, desire, respect and a friendship like no other.

But I wonder if I do a good enough job to show him these things?  I wonder if he knows that while I am working I am wondering what he is doing.  Is he at his desk, is he out closet eating at some fast food place, is he smiling, laughing is he thinking of me?  My hubby is always in the forefront of my mind and I am always trying to make his day just a little brighter in some small way.  But I still wonder if I do a good enough job to show him these feelings.

This is a great chapter for me today so I can be reminded that with everything that goes on between him and I, I want him to know I am still smitten with him and my desire has never left for him.

-Mellie

The Love Dare-Day Twenty Three

[Love] always protects. – 1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV

Marriage is made up of many things, including joys, sorrows, successes, and failures.  But when you think about what you want marriage to be like, the furthest thing from your mind is a battleground.  However, there are some battles you should be more than willing to fight.  These are battles that pertain to protecting your spouse.

Unfortunately your marriage has enemies out there.  They come in different forms and use different strategies, but nonetheless they will conspire to destroy your relationship unless you know how to ward them off.

Some are clever and seem attractive, only to undermine your love and appreciation for one another.  Others try to lure your heart away from your spouse by feeding you unhealthy fantasies and unrealistic comparisons.  It’s a battle you must wage to protect your marriage – when love puts on armor and picks up a sword to defend its own.  Your mate and your marriage need your constant protection from things like:


Harmful influences.  Are you allowing certain habits to poison your home?  The Internet and television can be productive and enjoyable additions to your life, but they can also bring in destructive content and drain away precious hours from your family.  The same thing goes for work schedules that keep you separated from each other for unhealthy amounts of time.

You can’t protect your home when you’re rarely there, nor when you’re relationally disconnected.  You have to fight to keep balance right.


Unhealthy relationships.  Not everyone has the material to be a good friend.  Not every man you hunt and fish with speaks wisely when it comes to matters of marriage.  Not every woman in your lunch group has a good perspective on commitment and priorities.  In fact, anyone who undermines your marriage does not deserve to be given the title of “friend.”  And certainly you must be on guard at all times from allowing opposite-sex relationships at work, the gym, or even church to draw you emotionally away from the one to whom you’ve already given your heart.


Shame.  Everyone deals with some level of inferiority and weakness.  And because marriage has a way of exposing it all to you and your mate, you need to protect your wife or husband’s vulnerability by never speaking negatively about them in public.  Their secrets are your secrets (unless, of course, these involve destructive behaviors that are putting you, your children, or themselves in grave danger).  Generally speaking, love hides the fault of others.  It covers their shame.


Parasites. Watch out for parasites.  A parasite is anything that latches onto you or your partner and sucks the life out of your marriage.  They’re usually in the form of addictions, like gambling, drugs, or pornography.  They promise pleasure but grow like a disease and consume more and more of your thoughts, time, and money.  They steal away your loyalty and heart from those you love.  Marriages rarely survive if parasites are present.  If you love your spouse, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart.  If you don’t, it will destroy you.


The Bible speaks plainly about this protective role, often using the analogy of a shepherd.  God warned, “My flock has become prey … food for all the beasts of the field.”  How so?  “For lack of a shepherd.”  Not because these men were too weak to perform their duties but because they didn’t pay attention.  Instead of watching to make sure that the sheep weren’t being picked off by predators, “the shepherds fed themselves and did not feed My flock” (Ezekial 34:8).  They took extra good care of their own needs and appetites but gave little thought to the safety of those under their supervision.

Wives – you have a role as protector in your marriage. You must guard your heart from being led away through novels, magazines, and other forms of entertainment that blur your perception of reality and put unfair expectations on your husband.  Instead you must do your part in helping him feel strong, while also avoiding talk-show thinking that can lure your attention away from your family.  “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (Proverbs 14:1).

Men – you are the head of your home.  You are the one responsible before God for guarding the gate and standing your ground against anything that would threaten your wife or marriage.  This is no small assignment.  It requires a heart of courage and a head for preemptive action.  Jesus said, “If the head of the house had known at what time of the night the thief was coming, he would have been on the alert and would not have allowed his house to be broken into” (Matthew 24:43).  This role is yours.  Take it seriously.

Today’s Dare

Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that’s stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.


You will be restored if you remove unrighteousness far from your tent.  (Job 22:23).

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"Unfortunately your marriage has enemies out there.  They come in different forms and use different strategies, but nonetheless they will conspire to destroy your relationship unless you know how to ward them off.

Some are clever and seem attractive, only to undermine your love and appreciation for one another.  Others try to lure your heart away from your spouse by feeding you unhealthy fantasies and unrealistic comparisons.  It’s a battle you must wage to protect your marriage – when love puts on armor and picks up a sword to defend its own."

This passage could not be more true and really should be viewed as a daily reminder to everyone out there who is in a marriage or a committed relationship.

The enemies of my marriage come in all shapes and forms.  Of course there are the obvious enemies, the ones who try and steal our hearts and our imaginations by telling us they could make us happier than our current situation.  The ones who flirt to continually keep themselves in the forefront of our minds and those who will try and drive negative thoughts in our minds about our spouses.  These obvious enemies are all around us each day and take an army of angels to keep them at bay.

However, it's the enemy that comes wrapped in clothing of a friend who is the especially dangerous one.  Like this chapter mentions friends who claim to be your friend yet turn on you by revealing your secrets, concerns and weaknesses to benefit their agenda are your enemy.  It's the friend who will fill your mind with suspicion and doubt and eat away at your sanity little by little but always proclaim they are just looking out for you that you don't see coming.   These are the enemies that are most harmful to me and honestly, have done the most damage in my own life.

I have since learned that not everyone out there who claims to be my friend is really all that supportive of my marriage.  This does not mean that they wish ill harm on me or for me to divorce my hubby and I honestly think the harm they try and inflict is not intentional.  I just really believe that these individuals lack love in their own life and regardless if they want to admit it or not they do not know how to be happy in a marriage and they do not understand the forgiveness that love can provide.

That being said after years of roller coaster rides with these people I have finally learned that I can not have them in my life and contributing to my marriage in any way.  I have had to remove these harmful relationships from my life and had to create new boundaries for them.  A few of them I have let go entirely and a few others I have just changed the dynamics of our friendship.   I no longer talk about my marriage in anyway to them and I no longer seek a sounding board with anyone.  Marriage is hard enough with all the day in and day out temptations, challenges and emotions to have a third party in the mix trying to give their perspective on your life when they do not live your life.  This was a painful mistake I had to learn the hard way.

I heard something last night that was a great reminder to me.  "GITG"  Give it to God.  This is where I should be turning for strength, support and wisdom.  I need to mentally put my issues, my pain, my fears and my questions into a box and give it to God.  It is God who will see me through this, it is God who will give me the direction I need to be in and it will be God who makes my marriage stronger, not anyone else.

I will guard my heart from being lead away from my hubby and I will protect my perceptions of reality by getting on my knees and giving it to God.  This is how I will vow to grow stronger as a person, a wife, and a mother.  

Romance Meets Reality-Day 1

"We have love because he first loved us."  - 1 John 4

We probably ought to just start here:  marriage is fabulously hard.  Maybe that's an odd way to begin, but it is true, and everybody who's been married knows this, though years into marriage it still catches us off guard, all of us.  And newly married couples, when they discover how hard it is, seem genuinely surprised.  Shocked and disheartened by the fact.  Are we doing something wrong?  Did I marry the right person? The wonders that lure us into marriage- romance, love, passion, sex, longing, companionship- sometimes seem so far from the actual reality of married life that we wind up fearing we've made a colossal mistake, caught the wrong bus, missed our flight.  And so the hardness of marriage can also come as something of an embarrassment.  Or maybe it's just us.  Don't you feel embarrassed to admit how hard your marriage is?

Yep.  That is everyone.  We might as well come out and admit it.  The sooner we get the shame off our backs, the sooner we'll find our way through.  Of course marriage is hard.  In fact, if you look back at the first marriage, that fairy-tale start in Genesis, you see that Adam and Eve had a pretty rough go at it.  And they didn't even have parents to screw them up as children or friends giving them ridiculous advice.  The fall of man seems to come during the honeymoon or shortly thereafter. (And how many honeymoon stories seem to reenact that little drama?)  They hit rough water as soon as the set sail.  This is the story of the first marriage, and it's a bit sobering.

But it also gives us some encouragement.  It's normal for marriage to be hard.  Even the best of marriages.

And God is in that.

In order to have the life we want, the life we were meant for, and the marriage we long for, we need God.  That's a very good thing!  Because without him, nothing is as it should be.  With him, all things are possible.  Yes, marriage can be extremely hard.  But that is not a reason to despair.  Nor is the final truth.  There are seasons in marriage--in every relationship.  Marriage is meant to be wonderful, and most of the time it is.  Though it's sometimes so hard to think of the difficulty as a doorway.  A doorway to all the MORE Jesus has for us in himself.  There is hope!

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Dear God, as I begin this study I offer up this time for your purpose.  Please help me draw closer to your hear and deepen my marriage in every good way.  Sometimes it is hard.  Even painful.  I invite you into that as well.  Have your way with me, with my spouse, and with our marriage.  We need you.  I am looking to you.  I Jesus' mighty name, amen.

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Today I begin the Love & War Devotional for Couples as a way to bring God into my marriage more and to make my marriage stronger.  

Growing up I always dreamed of getting married.  I viewed marriage as an opportunity to share my love with someone who would share the same love back.  I always felt like I would be a great wife.  There was just something inside me that told me if I took care of my husband and my family life would finally work out for me and the struggles of my childhood would be nothing but a faint memory.  But at a young age I witnessed marriages failing with my mother's friends. I knew couples who were committing adultery in their marriages, and early on I understood the games that could be played and the hurt one could cause each other if you didn't honor your marriage.  It never made sense to me why these "grown ups" were sabotaging the greatness of marriage and the love of their lives. I had no real example of a good marriage or even how to be a good wife, but I was determined I could be one.

Yet, with that being said I was NOT a good wife in my first marriage.  I married so young, 17 years old,  I was so immature as a person I did everything wrong.  I manipulated, I lied, I broke my vows and I hurt many people along the way including myself.  I took the marriage as if it were something that was suppose to make me complete, it was suppose to fulfill my lifr, and resolve my childhood fears and it should have made me whole.  Yet it did quite the opposite, it changed me into someone I did not like seeing in the mirror.  Marriage was way harder than I ever imagined and I did not have the maturity or the tools to prepare me on making it work, especially with so many forces stacked against us.

When I finally called it quits the only thing left was a path of destruction and pain for both my husband and I.  We managed to destroy even the friendship we had with one another over being selfish and taking each other for granted.  We had nothing left in us and it changed us both forever.

Going into my marriage I am in now, I had many reservations.  Could I do it better this time, could I be the person I was mean to be and could I finally find happiness with someone who I would share my life with and who would share theirs with me too?  When I took my vows of marriage with my hubby I told myself ONE thing..... "For better or for worse, this will be my last marriage... I will make this work and I will give it everything I have till there is no more to give."   I told myself if I went into it with the understanding that I would give it all I have and all I will ever have then he and I could make it through anything that came our way.  I could show my hubby unconditional love and help him be a better person and he could show me the same and help me as well.  We were in this together and even if it came down to just me fighting I was going to make this work.  I loved this man from the very first time I was with him and  knew in my heart I was meant to be with him.

Over the years my hubby and I have done our share to hurt one another.  We have had many sleepless nights, painful arguments and moments of shame and embarrassments caused by one another.   But through it all I always felt like this is still where I was meant to be and I had to fight till I could fight no more.  I had to stay in my marriage and not let the pain take the place of my love for him.  I had to believe even in the darkest hours of our marriage our love could and would shine through.  Even if I was fighting alone for this I had to continue to fight.  I would just tell myself the pain I was going through now would be rewarded later if I just kept my faith with God and kept fighting for US.

 Marriage is hard.  Marriage can hurt and the things we do to each other can be very embarrassing.  But I still have faith that if I keep God in my marriage, I keep my faith with him that my hubby and I can endure anything that comes our way.  I feel sitting here today, we have done just that and for the first time in a long time I really feel like all the pain we have caused one another in the past is finally going to pay off.   For the first time in a long time I feel as if this is OUR time, the time for our marriage to be strong, sturdy and united as one in all ways.  But with that brings fear because when things go good for people Evil will try and destroy it and the better your strength is with one another the harder Evil will try and destroy it.

So as I prepare for a fight till the finish and begin this devotional book to strengthen my bond with my hubby and with my God I go back to the start of my marriage. In my mind I will renew my vows that I spoke to my hubby and remind myself this is OUR marriage, this is MY hubby and this is where I belong and will fight for it for the rest of my life.

My vows from our wedding day:

Today I proclaim with two simple words "I do" a lifetime of love that will never fade.

Today I give to you my heart and soul,

Something I have never really given before.

Today I say I do, to my one true love

Who I will stand by through and through

Joseph,

For the first time in my life I finally know what I am doing is right.

You have taught me kindness, patience and have opened my heart up to love

I am so thankful for you everyday.  I admire you more and more in every way

The love that you show me and the boys will never go unappreciated.

I pledge to you today that I will never take you for granted; I will always consider your feelings and needs and will be true to you in every way.

You are the one I have been searching my whole life for. 

I promise to love you, fulfill your needs and even honor and obey.

You have my heart and my soul from now until the end of time. 

I look forward to a lifetime of joy and laughter with you.

I love you.

  

When a marriage comes to an end

Today a story was shared with me that touched me and moved me so much I wanted to share it as well. 

For a person who almost lost her own marriage this story reaches to the depths of my soul.  I too would not give up and there were days I had to love from afar but in the end my own hubby came back to me and back to our family. I wish I could say I was as graceful as the writer of this story, but at times the pain and reality of my life at the moment were unbearable and I did lash our and I did cry and I did beg.  None of that matters now, what matters going forward is my hubby and I are still married, not for the sake of our kids, but because it is written in the stars for us.  This plan he and I live together is God's plan. 

It's a long read but a GREAT one.

~Mellie

Let’s say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros, when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true.

Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.

Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”

But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.

Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.

Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else—a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.

“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”

His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.

He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.
So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”

Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.

Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”

You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.

My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.
But I wasn’t buying it.

I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?” he said.

“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”

Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”

“Huh?”

“How can we have a responsible distance?”

“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”

My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.

Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation,” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?

I looked through the list and passed it on to him.

His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”

I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.

“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”

“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need ... ”
“Stop saying that!”

Well, he didn’t move out.

Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”

But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.
My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”

I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.

I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.

I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.

Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.

I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.

Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.

And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.

But I didn’t.

I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.

And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.

It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”

He was back.

And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.

When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.

My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out and think they can escape.

My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.

But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.


This essay originally appeared in The New York Times. Used with permission. All rights reserved.