Welcome to Mellie's mind...

Where thoughts can be funny, can race at all hours of the day and night and can sometimes not make any sense!

Enjoy the ride!

Friday, July 18, 2014

I am.......

I have a girlfriend who I am very close with, she knows more about me than most other people do.  She has seen me at my weakest, strongest, ugliest and at my best.  She is never judgmental and is always supportive.  She is very wise when she gives me encouragement and advice.  I truly love this woman and all that she gives to me and I try and do the same for her at any given moment.

The one thing she can not give me, however, is understanding of being worthy.

Just like me she can have issues in her life, marriage and career.  I try and support and counsel her on these areas when she is in need, just as she does for me. When she is low I try and pick her up, when she is high I celebrate with her, when she is alone I try and remind her she will never be alone.  But the one thing I can not give her either is the understanding of HER being worthy.

Why is so so difficult to understand our own self worth?  What happened in our lives that makes us think, deep down in the darkness of our feelings, we do not deserve to feel a certain way or take a certain path in our lives?  Why are we so quick to put ourselves down and tell ourselves, in maybe different ways, that we are not worthy?

My I am.... card today:

When I pulled this card out of my little bag this morning my first thought was I wasn't  worthy and I felt sad.  But why is that?  Why do I tell myself that?  Is it because I grew up in an unstable family that was emotionally and physically hard?  Was it because I allowed myself to be in relationships where people, friends included, can just take from me what they need and want and then walk away as if I was nothing to them at all?  Is it because I have been in failed romantic relationships that I did not walk away from until it go so bad there was nothing left of ME?  Is it because I did not grow up with a father and have always felt not good enough, even after I located him and told him about myself?  Could it be these circumstances?


I would say these are good reasons to not feel worthy about myself.  As I am sure THOUSANDS of other people have their own trials and tribulations that make them feel not worthy.

So the question is now this..... how do I change this?  Because as I sit here and type this blog I KNOW I am worthy.  Not only am I worthy because I am a child of God, I am worthy because....... I just am.

I have every chance in this world as other people do.  I may have had a rough childhood and have had some tough times in my life but it has gotten me to this point and I am still here and I am still going.  I just need to remind myself that I am worthy and live each day or every moment having that in the forefront of my mind.  I will not be put off to the side, I will not be treated poorly, I will not be taken advantage of and I will not live in the darkness of thinking because of other people's decisions THEY make equates me to not being worthy.

I have done things to myself to allow me to get to this point.  I have allowed my own limited vision of myself enable me to be overwhelmed and hold myself back from reaching my goals or trying.  I have allowed my own dark feelings to prevent me from seeing the good in life.  I have focused too much time on what I don't have or what I have lost and failed to allow myself to celebrate who I am today.  

I am a strong woman.  I am loyal.  I am smart.  I am funny and I have the ability to help motivate and encourage others.

I am..... worthy!

This card is NOT going back into the bag.  I have placed the card on my computer, in addition it's now one of my screen savers on my phone. I want to be reminded everyday, at different times of the day, just how worthy I am.

I believe in myself and I will continue to believe in myself and keep that mindset until I achieve what I have set out to achieve!

What are you not feeling worthy about and what are some actions you can take to improve this?  We are all worthy and it is up to US to make ourselves feel that way!


Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A letter to my Youngest son....

Oh how the years go by,
Oh how time can certainly fly.
From once just a thought in far away dreams,
now into my arms and in my eyes gleam
the presence of you.
Your laughter and smiles
which go on for miles,
warms my heart and soul.
You're growing up so fast,
as I wish each moment with you to last forever.
My little boy will someday be a man
and right by your side I will forever stand.
I will pick up the pieces when you fall,
I will hold your hand and help you stand tall.
And when the day comes when you are on your own,
never feel that you are alone.
No matter how near or far apart
I am always right there in your heart.
Always remember whatever you go through
that no matter what, I will always love you.
Amy R. Campbell
My little Rups,

Over the past seven years, I have quietly watched you grow into the little boy that stands before me today.  You are kind, generous with not only your possessions but your love too. I do not think there is one mean bone in your body, because everyday you are all about making everyone feel good and happy. You are loved by all who meet you; you are adored by your siblings.

I will never forget the day your dad and I found out we were having a boy, I was so tickled to not only be able to help carry on the Galvan name, but I was honored that God had blessed me with yet another son.  You came into this world much too early weighing just over 4lbs..  You were born at 29 weeks, you were so little and fragile.  The hardest thing for us was to not be able to take you home from the hospital right away.  You were fed through a tube in your nose and trying to get you to eat just a few ounces of milk could take up to a 1/2 hour.  Other than being born early you were perfect.  You had the most beautiful skin and the littlest fingers and toes.  Every nurse in the NIC unit fell in love with you.  There was not one day where I would walk into that NIC unit and someone was not holding you.  Even at a few weeks old you were impacting the lives of others.

You are so smart, witty and you make your family laugh each and every day. The love you share with all of us is like no other.  Reuben, God gave me the most precious gift when he honored me with you.  I do not take being your mother lightly because I know you have great things ahead of you and you are going to make a huge impact on this world.  Your ability to turn a bad day into a great day by just the warmth of your hug is amazing.  Your caring personality shines in your eyes and draws others to you.  

As your mother, there is no sweeter sound than to hear you yell out "Mommy" when one of us comes home after not seeing each other that day.  Your sweet little voice and warm embrace is so special to me and I plan to carry those with me till the end of my days.

I love how outgoing you are and how you are so ready to care for anyone who needs it.  You have the ability to touch people and to help them and as you grow, I hope to continue to assist in you developing that trait.  You have the world at your finger tips, it's yours to take and I know you are going to do something great with it.

You are fearless too son.  Just this last school year there was a boy, known in the school as the tallest 3rd grader in school, who was picking on your sister Gabriella.  After hearing the story of how he was not being nice to YOUR sister, you took it upon yourself to confront the boy in the boys bathroom by yourself. You educate him on how he better leave his sister alone or be nice to her.  You told him Jesus would not be happy with the way he was acting and it needed to stop.  That boy never bothered your sister again.  No matter how old you, you have always cared and protected your siblings.  You truly have a heart of gold.

Today we celebrate your 7th birthday on this Earth and we celebrate the little man that you are.  Your family loves you very much Reuben and our lives would not be complete without you in it!

Happy Birthday Son!

~Love Mommy.

P.S. There is a "family secret" in our household that only two of the five kids were planned.  YOU were one of them son!  (smile)


Some of my favorite Reuben quotes:

Reuben talking to Gabriella:
Gabriella:  "Reuben, lets have a garage sale and sell all our toys!"
Reuben:  "Gabriella your CRAZY, I love ALL my toys!"

Reuben talking to Gabriella:
R- "I wonder when we are going to grow a new baby?" 
G- "What?  We aren't." 
R- "Yes, Mommy can grow us a new one, we just have to ask." 

Reuben and daddy were playing at dinner one night: 
D- "Reuben you better get that look off your face or I am going to fix you!"
R-"Don't fix me, I am not a toy I am Reuben!"

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It's been 274 days since my life changed.....

274 days ago my life changed and I wrote this blog:


Since that day of learning that I have MS my life has been a roller coaster of changes, challenges, and growing.  It has been full of ups and downs, new appreciations as well as new fears and new challenges.  But what is most important and what I want to focus on is that I am still here and I am still fighting, learning and growing and trying to be a better person in every area of my life
This morning I headed Kaiser in Salem for my first MRI since my diagnosis.  I would like to say that I am trusting God and putting positive thoughts out into the universe but the reality is I am scared out of my mind. Yesterday thinking about the upcoming MRI I tried to busy myself all day to keep my mind from wandering to that day, 274 days ago, when I thought at the time my life was going downhill and fast.

Joseph took me in for my MRI as he has done in the past as well as any major medical testing or event I have had to encounter.  Having him there to support me was a really big deal and allows me to relax more.  I am so claustrophobic as soon as I see the MRI machine I begin to shake, sweat and cry. Joseph stands outside of the MRI where my legs are laying out and will hold and caress my feet while the 45 minute procedure is being done.  Feeling his touch allows me to focus on the fact that I am not alone and I am not in the machine totally.  Even though I have my earplugs in I can still hill him telling me how much longer the current session is.  As you lay there 3 minutes can feel like three hours and just hearing him do a countdown for me... "2.5 minutes, 1 minute, 30 seconds"  as well as giving me encouragement all along the way tuns a scary procedure into something more bearable. Having him there allows me to focus on his voice and takes my mind off the confined space I am in.  I am not sure if I ever shared with him how powerful it is to have him there to support me, I am always thankful and tell him I appreciate him but I don't think he knows the true depths of his support for me and how it can change the outcome of something horrific into something that he tells me "I can do this."  No matter what is going on between the two of us, he has always been my support, my back bone and the one behind the scenes telling me...... "If anyone can do this Michelle, it's you!"

If you have to have an MRI I highly suggest that you take someone as well who can be there with you (You have to insist to the MRI specialist and refuse to take no for an answer) so that you too can have that support, kindness and someone there for you.

The reality I have learned is that my MS is not as bad as others.  Some can not walk, some are finding their motor skills deteriorating more and more each day and some are so lost in their own minds and the darkness it brings they have lost the will to try hard and stand up and fight.  My MS is the best kind to have, yes there is a best kind, because I have had the disease for many years and was able to fight it when I did not know I even had it.

Knowing that my fate will not consist of a wheelchair is a blessing but it still can allow my mind to take me to a place where I feel pity for myself or fear of the unknown.  The difference is I fight everyday to NOT allow that to happen.

Today my MRI is a big deal but in reality it will only be a picture of what has happened in the last 274 days to my brain if anything.  The medication I take, Copaxone, is a daily injection that fills my body with a chemical creating a fake Mylar that the MS can attack rather than the one on my brain.  This medication is to act as a shield for my brain to prevent further attacks and damage from the MS. The Copaxone takes six months to fully take an affect in my body.  My next MRI should be between 6 months to a year and that will tell us if the Copaxone is doing it's job and show no more new lesions on the brain.

Today will give me a idea of what, if any, new damage to my brain and to be used as a benchmark for the next MRI.

As I reflect over the past 273 days in regards to my care, I can see plenty of opportunities where I need to continue to improve my well being.  I NEED to cut back on my stress, I NEED to continue to explore new ways to relax and to free my mind.  I NEED to get back with my energy worker and I NEED to get myself back on a healthy and consistent gym and food plan to better my results. There is so much "study" on the affects of working out and eating certain types of food that can assist in your aid to managing MS and that is going to have to be my focus now.

Just like when I lost all my weight 4 years ago.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I had to sacrifice many areas of my life and ended up having to sacrifice friendships too that were not supportive of my new and healthy lifestyle.  I do not see that being the issue this time but today was a big eye opener and reminder, I have to get my bottoms in gear and make the changes I want to see to know that I am doing everything and anything to improve the outcome of my MS.  No one is going to do it for me and life is too precious to take chances and just sit back and think it will take care of itself.

So as scary as today was, it was also a moment to reflect and regroup and know it's time to get my plan in place to do all I can do to take care of myself! 
I am a fighter, in every aspect of my life... this will be no different for me.  I may have MS but I refuse to let MS have me!!!!


For information on how one doctor managed her MS and made some amazing changes to her disease check out her YouTube video.  This can be applied in all areas of life as well, MS or not.  Food has the power to change our lives and either heal us or kill us.....


For more information on Multiple Sclerosis and how you can support finding a disease check out their website at: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/

Thursday, July 10, 2014

My new love......

Yesterday, while out getting some food for my family, a woman I know commented on how good I looked.  She has known me for years and has not only seen me having baby after baby but witnessed my transformation when I lost all my weight.  She made a reference to my appearance looking so young I could pass as a teenager.  This of course made me laugh, a teenager? No, no way.  But I am noticing that people are commenting on my appearance and my skin more often than before. 

This got me thinking last night and I tried to analyze what was new for me that would make me look younger than I am and get the comments on my skin looking so nice.  Then I recalled, I switched my skin care product.  

My new love is what I want to share today!

evanhealy is the skin care that I have began using and have absolutely loved since trying it!  I bought a starter, sample kit, at Whole Foods and have now progressed into the true sizes.  I love this line for skin care because not only is it organic but the entire line is safe for our environment.  

I love the day moisturizer because it is so light and clean feeling it does not leave my face oily midway through the day at all.  The Facial toner is light and has aroma therapy in it that leaves my skin feeling cool and refreshed. The mask is light yet when it dries on my face I can feel it pulling the oil out allowing my pores to be clean and tight.  I mix the toner and the facial serum oil together to give my skin extra moisturizer around my eyes and my forehead.  

I can defiantly tell the difference from the expensive department store facial line I was using and apparently so can others!

If you are looking for skin care to help with your trouble spots, I would totally give this line a try.  There are several different aromas you can try... I use the rose but have purchased the lavender for friends of mine, who rave about it as well.  

Again, I purchased mine at Whole Foods but I am sure you can look on line and get it elsewhere too!  

If you want more information about the line here is the link to the company:  http://www.evanhealy.com/

My new love...... thank you for making my skin even better!  


Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I am......

On my desk sits this cute bag that hold a bunch of little cards.
These cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way and to explore your mind with the thought behind the I am.... Card of the day.

I have not pulled a card from this bag in a few weeks.  Life has been a little overwhelming for me these past weeks, months and really years.  What I have allowed to happen in my life is I have allowed the negative to take over and I have only been focusing on what is wrong in my life rather than what is right.  I have allowed myself to have a limited vision of my life and I have only been focusing on my problems thus allowing them to overwhelm me.  There have been days where I have gone into hiding, I go into dark places and have closed out people in my life because I would rather hide from them than disappoint them.  I was starting to believe that I had no options and I had no way out of where I am right now, this was to be my reality.  At night I lay in my bed and when I am all alone with no one left to impress or to have to fake happiness to I found myself surrounded by fear and sorrow.

But this week I am coming to a new place in my mind and my heart and I am realizing that I owe it to myself and to my family to pick myself back up and not let the past define me.  It's time for me to decide, again, that I am going to stand up to life and I am going to be what I am suppose to be.  I am going to follow my dreams and I am going to follow my passion for what I want while I walk on this Earth.

Just now, I pulled a card from that bag and it reads this.......
What are the chances that the first card I pull in weeks is THIS card, and I pull it TODAY?  What an amazing realization for me that this card not only speaks to me to remind me of who I am, a strong woman, but to go along with the new thoughts that I am trying to allow into my mind and live each day by.

Today I was told how the brain releases chemicals to allow us to feel serenity and peace, this is called Serotonin.  In addition the brain releases Cortisol due to stress.  This is a way for the brain to ensure we continue to survive by giving us fear so that we do not do something that could harm us, anxiety to keep us from taking extra risks and gives us weary of something or someone that may harm us.  All with the goal to protect our brains thus keeping our bodies alive. It was interesting for me to hear how the two different chemicals affect the brain and the way we react to it being released.  It really made me realize, even more than I knew before, how my thoughts really will and do determine the way I live my life.

I have this story from my past that I like to share with people.  I was told one time that I did not smile enough, I always looked cranky and miserable.  So that day, I told myself no matter what I was going to just "sit and smile".  I did not care how funny or crazy I may appear I would just sit and smile and that way I could not be told I never smiled enough.  But what happened was I found myself being happier.  I noticed that walking or driving around with a smile on my face, regardless of how I felt that day, not only made me feel better but it made others smile at me.  So I learned to fake it till I could make it.  I like this story because it is a good reminder that I can do this with my thoughts too.

If something or someone comes against me my first reaction is to sit and think about how it affects me.  How is this going to affect my pride? How is this going to affect my family?  How is this going to make me FEEL?  What will others think of me as a person?  Will they see me weak, strong, crazy or emotional?  All these thoughts will come into my mind and send me spinning and usually gives me a knee jerk emotional reaction that I later will regret and most times makes things worse because they tend to never solve anything just leave me feeling emotional because I acted in a way that is not who I am as a person.

I am a strong person, I know this deep inside myself.  This does not mean I am a narcissist it just means I know who I am at the core of my being and I am a fighter.  I have lived a long life in my 40 years, a life full of struggle and battles to get me where I want to be and where I want my family to be. My tank may be just about empty and I may feel like I have depleted all my energy and am ready to throw in the towel but the truth is this is exactly where I WANT to be because this forces me to get up and succeed.  I want to be successful in every part of my life just as much as I want to breathe everyday.  I have no where to go but up from here and it is only up to me to choose if I am going to do it.

I may feel like I am at the end of my rope in certain areas but there is still time in my life to be who I want to be.  There is still time to correct mistakes and continue to fight for my life.  I still have a way out and I still have the chance to make this the best life I can have. The past does not define me, it needs to empower me!

So yes... I am.... strong.   And I am going to get back to living my life as a strong woman!  I am going to start following my dreams of writing and doing public speaking of some sort, I have big dreams I have not accomplished yet.... but I will.

What is in your life that is holding you back?  What fears, anxiety is out there keeping your from your moments in life of being happy?  What changes can you make to better yourself and improve where you are?

You... are strong.... live life like it!