My hubby and I discussed a few rules last night about how we would learn to "fight" with each other and here are the boundaries. I took it one step further and made "Me" boundaries to add for myself.
- We will never mention divorce.
- We are in this together. We have been legally separated, we were all but divorced in the State's mind and we choose to come back together because this is where we both want to be. We will not use this fear tactic to gain our way or make our point even louder. This is not an option.
- We will not speak ill willed about each other to others outside of our marriage.
- It is hard enough to be in a fight but when you drag in a 3rd party to hear your side of the problem all you do is create more drama and more ill willed feelings toward your spouse. Our issues will remain in our household with each other under God.
- We will not bring up the past hurts and the past challenges that do not pertain to the situation at hand.
- Too many times you want to have a score card or you want to bring up the past hurts. If it has nothing to do with what the issue at hand is then there is no need to bring it up.
- We will only be honest with each other no matter what.
- There is no reason to try and get ourselves out of a situation that we are facing by telling a lie or making the other person believe something that is not. This is just building a house of cards that will fall on us one day.
- I will not challenge or confront my hubby while he is at work.
- This has been a terrible habit I have seen develop over the years. I find something out that I am not happy with and I either pick up the phone and call him or I send him a text. At the time I am trying to deal with the issue but in reality I am hiding behind technology and being a coward.
- I will learn to continue to control my words and my tone when speaking to my hubby in a disagreement.
- The level of my voice and the tone of it can make or break any argument; I must learn to control this if I am to have any kind of opportunity to get to the heat of the disagreement.
- I will learn to "stay within myself" when I first get upset. Rather than lashing out I will try and get myself calm and even pray asking for God to help me. My hopes will be to maintain control, no matter how hurt I am feeling, and not drag myself or my hubby down that hole.
- I will remind myself that my hubby is not against me. He is not out to make me look like a fool, he is not out to hurt me, he is not out to embarrass me and he is not out to deceive me. His actions are his actions but I KNOW he is not trying to hurt me. I need to remember this because if I do not feel like I am on the attack I think I can handle my emotions better.
- I will remind myself that it is him and I in this world.... together.... we have to remain partners in every area of our lives.
- I will remind myself that I cannot fix everything and some things I need to leave with God.
It's hard being right all the time. It really is. Being right all the time means that when someone disagrees with you, well, by definition...they are wrong. Then, you have to go through the energy draining experience of persuading the other person of the errors of their ways, and to understand that you are in fact right....all the time.
Good thing I don't have this problem, because I am far from always being right.
My wife and I did discuss some boundaries last night. However, I recall the list being shorter and much more manageable. However, as usually, my wife fill in the details while I try to manage the broad strokes:
* There is not right or wrong, her against me...there is only US. We only win if we are both heard and reach and understanding.
* Bringing up things from the past is usually both futile and an attempt to hurt one another. A poor expression of our frustrations.
My wife is right. We hardly fight. She is my best friend. I love being around her. She is with me virtually everywhere, and I wouldn't want it any other way. Two nights ago, I had a craving that required me to head to Albertson's in the cold and rain, dressed in my boxers basically. Guess who was with me. Guess who wanted to go with me.
When I do something without my wife, that I usually do with her, I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel out of place. I don't think that's sad. It doesn't mean I can't function as a person and as a man without her. What it means is, we are so interwoven that I am not my full self...my best self, without her. It's just a fact.
I have lived without my wife for a period of time. I know how it feels. As my wife stated, we were separated and all but divorced. The ink WAS literally on the paper, and all either one of us had to do was submit it with a $50 check payable to Clackamas County.
I came home because it is where I wanted to be, and it was the best decision of my life.
Unlike movies, things were not rosy from that point forward. In fact, they became perhaps more difficult as there was real pain and hurt that both of us had to work through.
Today, all I know is that I love and respect my wife through my thoughts, words, and actions. As I type this, I am a few moments away from calling it a day for today, and all I can think of is giving my wife a hug and kiss hello and spending the next several hours with her.
This is what I live for. This is what I work so hard for. To be able to be by her side as much as possible.
I try to remember this every moment, even those rare times when I want to bury her in the backyard, as I often say (I'm very sweet). Because at the end of the day, I know, I would be digging her back up so why not skip that step--and all the emotional damage and hurt it causes--and remained focus on who and what she is to me: the mother of my children and the most loving and caring wife a man could ever hope for.