The Love Dare-Day Four

Contact your spouse sometime during the business day of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

How precious also are Your thoughts of me... How vast is the sum of them!  If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.  -Psalm 139:17-18

Love is thoughtful.  When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally.  You spent hours dreaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he or she was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying every moment of the time you spend together.  Love requires thoughtfulness- on both sides- the kind that builds bridges through constructive combination of patience, kindness and selflessness.  Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate your spouse and how your spouse uniquely thinks.  Great marriages come from great thinking.

Yesterday was an unusual day for my hubby and I, a very sad day.  One of my co-workers, my hubby's employee committed suicide the night before.  This was not only a shock to all of us due to the act but because this is a man who escaped death a year ago and was given a second chance at life.  Although his life was never the same, it was more of a challenge for him, he was alive and living.

I actually went and had lunch with my hubby yesterday after we heard the news.  It was good to be close to him and not be isolated at home lost in my thoughts and sadness.  It also was a great reminder to me why I am working so hard to make MYSELF better for my marriage.  

We have been together for so long, we know each other so well.  I can tell when he is checked out, he can tell when there is something on my mind.  We can tell when each other is feeling lost.  Years of trials and tribulations have brought us to this very point that we are at now, it is up to us to learn from the years of struggle and move forward living the life we were meant to live... together.  So many people go through their marriages and have all these hard times and just when they are about at the end of their struggles they walk.  Why in the world would you walk when you hit rock bottom, you have seen the worst of each other, you have been through hell, you have caused each other unspeakable pain.... why walk.  There is no where to go from here but up.

My hubby sent me a card with some flowers awhile back and in his message he said "We have been on a long road, but I have come to appreciate every single step of the journey.  Let's start living our life for US."  I hold onto these words, I read them everyday and I remind myself he is right.  We have been on a long, hard road but we are just now getting to a place where we can move on and move on together, it would be a shame to walk away now not knowing the full potential that is out there for our marriage.

My hubby is my best friend.  I adore him.  We laugh together.  We wrestle.  We play tricks on each other.  We love each other.  We have fun being crazy together.  He is the one person I want to do everything with.  He is the only person I want to do new things with.  How many people can say that about their marriages?  So many people do things to escape their spouses, I try and only get closer to mine.

I still listen to that song "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz.  One part of the song says: "We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in"  So many people don't want to learn how to bend and how to come together, I think we get so stuck in fighting about the things we want in our marriage or the feelings we have we forget that we should be fighting to stick together and learn how to bend so that both parties are happy and fulfilled. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not saying I have all the answers but what I have learned in my life and in this marriage is I am willing to learn how to bend to keep my marriage together and find a way to make my marriage solid.  Am I done? Did I master it?  No!!!  I am still working at it everyday.  I am still asking God for help everyday, I am still on my knees praying for strength and for guidance.  But like this song says, "I won't give up."

~Mellie

******

There is a book called "Mindset" which I strongly recommend to just about anyone. The bottom line, after hours of audio book, is your mind is a powerful tool. Your mindset, your outlook on things, really controls just about everything. Try it. Next time you are feeling upset or down--tell yourself you choose to be positive and hopeful. It really does alter how you interact with the outside world.

Right now, I am choosing to be the best possible man and husband I know I can be. I am choosing to let go of past fears, past patterns, regrets, worries, and anxiety. I read once that our minds holds onto these negative emotions because our ego and psyche so fear experiencing them again. But, I read, when we hold onto those negative emotions, we shape our lives around them. We constantly experience them, even when there is no direct cause.

Yes, I will be hurt again. I will be fearful again. I will do something I regret. But, I will deal with it when it happens and not hold myself hostage to those emotions. The fact is, I have a positive life. When bad things happen, which they do and will for all of us, how I react to those bad things is often more important than the actual event that occurred. It's all about my mindset.

I love my wife. I choose to make changes to my character to better our marriage. I choose to invest time and other resources in my spouse to honor her and demonstrate my love. I also choose to accept that my spouse will do things that are upsetting to me, but how I react and communicate will be more important to the event.

This is my mindset. I am mentally prepared for all that may come my way. I work hard to stay within myself, keep my emotions under control, and see the bigger picture. It is not easy. I fail at times. But I also succeed, and that makes it all worth while.

And, if all else fails...I will bury her in the backyard.


 ~ Joseph

 

The Love Dare-Day Three

 Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.  It's hard to care for something you are not investing in.  Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says,

 "I was thinking of you today."

When a husband puts his interest, desires, and priorities in front of his wife, that's a sign of selfishness.  When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness.  But love "does not seek it's own" (1 Corinthians 13:5)  Loving couples-the ones who are enjoying the full purpose of marriage- are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share their life with.  That's because true love looks for ways to say "yes."  When you prioritize the well being of your spouse, there is a resulting fulfillment that can not be duplicated by a selfish actions.  This is a benefit that God created and reserves for those who genuinely demonstrate love.  The truth is, when you relinquish your rights for the sake of your spouse, you get a chance to lose yourself to the greater purpose of marriage.  Whether you like it or not, you have a reputation in the eyes of those around you, especially in the eyes of your spouse.  But is it a loving reputation?  Remember, your marriage partner also has the challenge of loving a selfish person.  So determine to be the first to demonstrate real love to them, with your eyes wide open.  And when all is said and done, you'll both be more fulfilled. 

I completed my challenge by restraining from negative comments and I bought my hubby something to let him know I was thinking about him.  It was not a large gift, nor was it something anyone would think to be a gift but I knew he needed these items and so I made sure that I took my time to go out and get them for him myself.  It was a way to be able to provide him something he needed without him having to go and get it.   I hope he saw it as a way for me to show my love for him.

Yesterday's challenge forced me to ask myself:

Do you really want what's best for your hubby?
Do you really want your hubby to feel loved?
Do you really have your hubby's best interest in mind?
Does your hubby see you looking out for yourself first?

The answer to all these questions is yes, hell yes!  From the moment I wake up in the morning till the moment I fall asleep I am always trying to be conscious of my hubby and his needs.  I go above an beyond what most wives do in taking care of him, not because he makes me or has asked me to but because it makes ME happy to do it for him.  I try and make his life as easy as possible.  In fact I get frustrated sometimes because he will say he has so much to take care of, yet he will not relinquish any more duties to me.  But I hope as the years go by, although it has been 10 years already, he will give up some of the family responsibilities and let me help or partner with him on them.  But until that day I will continue to do what I have control over to make each of his days better for him. 

As this chapter spells out, whether I like it or not I have a reputation in the eyes of my hubby and those around me.  I want to make sure it is a loving reputation and remind myself daily that my marriage is my purpose.  Making my bond with my hubby to keep our marriage strong in the faces of the storms is one of my purposes.  Not only for my kids but for ME.  I do not work at my marriage only because I do not want my kids to come from a broken home.... I work for my marriage because he is the love of my life.  He is the one I want to be with and he is the only one who has had a hold on me this tight and for this long.  He is the only one I have heard the voice of God saying to me..... "you're not done Mellie.... stay strong... stay there.. and keep fighting."

Life is hard.  Marriage is even harder.  But we are meant to love one another and live a happy life that is based on love, respect and Christ like and I feel in this day and age with so many people trying to get instant gratification we forget the real reason we are here on Earth.... to be happy and live our lives as best as we can and to the fullest that we can with God in our hearts and a love by our side.

Today was a good challenge.... not only was I able to show my hubby love... I was able to remind myself of the love that we have together and tell myself... "Keep working, it will all be worth it in the end."

~Mellie

 *******

I feel guilty today. I feel guilty because I did not complete this blog yesterday. Why, because I was busy. Because it was an emotionally draining day. Because it was raining. Because it was sunny. Because there was a threat of rain.

The point is, and ironic considering this day was a reminder to invest in the one we love, every day presents its own unique set of challenges, and I have to rise above them and get done what I need to get done. Yesterday, what I need to do was invest time in my wife and complete this blog. I failed.

But, I also learned. My failure serves as a great reminder that tomorrow will always be there, until it isn't. And for each one of us, some day we will have no tomorrow. Therefore, I am choosing to spend my "todays" focused as much as possible on the ones that I love.

I love my wife. I try to appreciate all she does for me. I provide for my family and have many various and competing demands on my time. But, my wife and family come first.

For the record, I did buy my wife a gift. Nothing dramatic. Nothing "wow". But, something that showed her I was able and willing to take time out of my day and invest some of my resources into her...time and money. Something I knew she would appreciate.

I feel I am well on my way to being a better man.

~Joseph

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The Love Dare-Day Two

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.  

Love is Kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:32

Kindness is a love action.  If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive change.  The Bible key in this day's challenge is on the importance of kindness: "Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  so you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man."  (Proverbs 3:3-4) Kindness is broken down into four basic core ingredients:

• Gentleness:  When you are operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse. You're sensitive.  Tender. You speak the truth with love
• Helpfulness:  Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights.  Kindness makes a husband curious to discover what his wife needs, the motivates him to be the one who steps up and ensures those needs are met-even if his own are put on hold.
• Willingness:  Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. 

• Initiative:  Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step.  The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, and forgives first.

The bible describes a woman whose husband and children bless and praise her.  Among her noble attributes are these:  "She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is her tongue" (Proverbs 31:26)  How about you?  How would your husband or wife describe you on the kindness meter? How harsh are you? How grateful and helpful? Do you wait to be asked, or do you take the initiative to help? It is difficult to demonstrate love when you feel little to no motivation. But love in its truest sense is not based on feelings.  Rather love, determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward. You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness.

My hubby and I did this challenge a few days ago, but have not blogged about it because it was our weekend.  

In addition to not saying anything negative towards him I needed to do one thing unexpected to show an act of kindness.  On this challenge rather than getting him a trinket or treat I decided that I would show my kindness towards him by sending him an email telling him how I felt about him.  So while he was out of the office running errands, I sent him a message.

This chapter really speaks to me because I really try and show my kindness to my hubby.  However there are times that I may say something to my hubby and unknown to me there is a tone in my voice that can set him off.  This actually happened over the weekend.  

My hubby was looking to me for some feedback, I started to give that feedback and then pause because I had a sudden urge that I was going to faint.  When he realized I had paused he questioned me and I answered back that I was light headed.  However, my tone to him did not display kindness it was quick and sharp to his ears and this upset him.  It is NEVER my intention to speak with tone or rudeness to my hubby, sometimes I open my mouth and the sound of my mother comes out.  I understand this and I recognize it and try and be aware of it when I speak.

I have learned over this past year that not matter what, if I just lower the volume of my voice when speaking to my hubby it can really change the delivery of my message to him.  When I am louder in my talk even if I am not raising my voice it affects him like I am and causes him to shut down the communication. 

Reading how you break down the kindness in four basic core ingredients I can see a few areas that I as a person need to continue to work on.  I am moved with compassion when I am with my hubby and things are good.  I honor him and love him and cherish him.  When things are at a struggle is where I need to continue to improve.  It is easy to be in love and happy when things are going well, it's another thing when you are being tempted by evil and challenged on your every move.  This is where I need to enforce the core basics of love, when the roses are not blooming in our marriage.

Challenge is never going to leave our marriage, we are two people with our own ideas, our own thoughts and our own needs.  But the KIND of challenges that we face can change.  I no longer want to live in fear.  I no longer want to live in the darkness of a lack of trust.  I no longer want to live in the pain of the past.  This is my chance to arise out of the darkness and bring my marriage to a new level of happiness and security.

There is a saying.... "God wants you to hit rock bottom so He can show you He is the rock."  

I know God is my rock, I know that there is no where else to go but up in my marriage because there is no other place I choose to go but than up.  I pray for the knowledge to do what is right for me and for my hubby in our marriage and I pray that together we will take each day as a new day to show each other how we can out love and out respect each other from the day before.  

You speak the truth in love.  You honor one another with the truth.

FYI... the unexpected gesture from my hubby was he posted this video on my Facebook wall, which I loved and appreciated:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-ImCpNqbJw&feature=share&list=FLy2WfZtoIuhpkYv_wWqRhpQ

~Mellie



I have high expectations of myself. I always have. I place higher expectations on myself than anyone else I know. Yes, I have failed them at times--even some of the most basic expectations as a human being. Sometimes, I think, when you are shooting for the stars, you also have to remember to stay grounded in reality--do the right things. No just the dramatic "right things", but the mundane. The "when no one is looking" right things. At times, this can be harder than it may sound, but I have learned that being able to do the right things when no when is looking, when no one would find out that you didn't, is the true test of character.

I can be very impatient. I expect answers and information quickly. This works well, generally, in a work environment. I believe people understand that I do not accept excuses, but I will be there to support them as they reach new highs they never even thought possible.

In a marriage--not so much. My wife (and family) are not employees of mine. While I have toyed with the idea of giving my wife a quarterly review, something tells me I better come up with a better plan. Wherein an office environment I appreciate efficiency and results (if you have a question, ask it--if I need the long story behind it, I will ask you), I am learning that in a relationship the opposite is true.

I think what I have truly learned can be condensed down to: in a relationship, the answer is not nearly as important as the process; the result is not as important as taking the time to listen to my wife, understand what she is saying to me and communicating to me, and often times it is taking the time to listen and understand, that she is truly seeking. The answer, often times, is secondary.

So to me, Love is Kind means to me....Love invests the time. The time to be there for my wife, even when I really want to see the instant replay that her head is blocking. Taking the time to be there for my kids, when all I really want to do is lay down on my bed and decompress.

I think when I invest the time in my wife to be there for her emotionally, I will have less nights of me waking up in the middle of the night with her staring at me, and more nights of peaceful sleep for both of us.

For me, investing the time in my wife is the greatest love I can show her, and "time" is a seed for the other 4 basic ingredients.

Plus, that's why I pay for a DVR.......in case my show gets interrupted!

~Joseph

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The Love Dare-Day One

The first part of this dare is fairly simple.  Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart.  For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.  If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.  It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

Love is patient-- Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.

Love works. It is life's most powerful motivator and has for greater depth and meaning than most people realize.  It always does what is best for others and can empower us to face the greatest problems.  Love is built on two pillars that best define what it is.  Those pillars are patience and kindness.  Love will inspire you to become patient.  When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to negative situations.  You are slow to anger. You choose to have a long fuse instead of a quick temper.  Love helps you settle down.  No one likes to be around an impatient person.  It causes you to overreact in angry, foolish and regrettable ways.  Anger almost never makes things better.  Patience stops all this kind of behavior, it is a deep breath.  It clears the air. It is a choice to control your emotions rather than allowing your emotions to control you, and shows discretion instead of returning evil for evil.  As sure as a lack of patience will turn your home into a war zone, the practice of patience will foster peace and quiet. Patience allows your spouse to be human.  It understands everyone fails.  When mistakes are made, it chooses to give them more time than they deserve to correct it.  What would the tone and volume in your home be like if you tried this biblical approach:  "See that no one repays another evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another."  (1 Thessalonians 5:15)  This Love Dare Journey is a process, and the first thing you must resolve to possess is patience.  Think of it as a marathon, not a sprint. But it's a race worth running.

Starting over on The Love Dare, this time along side of my hubby, brings a new meaning to this chapter for me.  Yesterday was the first day of our challenge and I was sure that I was not going to say anything negative to my hubby.  It was a great day, we had lunch together and we communicated during the day so it was easy to stay positive with him because I felt like we were depositing positive contributions to our love banks.  Later in the evening I had a little bit of a struggle, but I refrained from attacking him or giving him attitude.  He was quick to pick up on my struggle and did the best he could to try and ease my fears so our evening ended up great.  I felt good at the end of the day that I was able to maintain positive reactions to him and nothing was negative.  

Love is patient is something I am really working on in my marriage.   I come from a long history of emotions and an emotional family.  The issues in our home growing up were resolved with my mother screaming at us and throwing things.  She would blow up at the child that was in trouble, belittle that child and then ignore that child for a period of time.  I caught onto this behavior quickly so it was always my intention to do whatever I had to do to make her happy, even if that sacrificed my own happiness.  I still feel I act this way in my adult life too, always want people to be happy and everything to be okay so I can feel safe in my life.  But what I did not realize I was learning was the temper part too.

I am quick to anger.  I am quick to jump.  I will determine a situation and the outcome of that situation and rather than just sitting quietly and letting it settle or giving myself time with God I will jump and get it out on the table with the person who is involved, which of course is my hubby.  This is a big flaw of mine.  Not because I want to attack him or I want to make him uncomfortable but because I am the type that I just want to rip the band aid off.   If we have an issue.. rip it off, lets face it, talk about it, learn from it and hopefully move on from it.  That would seem reasonable to most people however the way I go about it is driven by emotions only.  There is nothing rational going on when I am pushed up against a wall or feeling like I am threatened or being made to look like a fool.

Reading this first chapter in the Dare gives me a new perspective on how I need to learn to change who I am and how I react to situations.  I do not know exactly how that will work at this time but I am anxious to find a new way that will honor my hubby, honor God and will allow me to feel like the issue is being handled properly.  As we dig more into this journey I am sure these tools will come to me and as I make more time to learn the Word of God I am hoping to find my answers there as well.  It is my intention to find peace in my life, give peace to my marriage and grow as a person.  I just hope that my hubby will be with me along the way, in every way and together we can grow into a stronger marriage.

~Mellie

I had do do everything in my power to keep from reading Michelle's blog, to help frame my response. I thought well let's see what she has to say before I decide how yesterday went. Even though many of you agree with me, I'm sure, that this is a sensible approach, my understanding of this blog is that I am supposed to have my own feelings and thoughts, independent of hers. This is going to be hard work!

I can't help but to notice several paragraphs above, however, that appear to be approximately ten sentences each. Perhaps I should increase my font. I do not have several paragraphs worth of material. In fact, I fear, I can some up yesterday in a few sentences:

Yesterday was a good day. Michelle and I were both coming down from the high of her birthday weekend. What could possibly be a point of contention? As I was driving home, I could sense her concern and impatience. Well, maybe it was less of a "sense" or more of, I read her texts. I was 17 minutes later than projected. The troops (Mellie) were getting restless.

Today, I am sorry to say I got confused with "Day 2" versus "Day 3". This means, I thought today was the day I was supposed to call her out of the blue and tell her I was thinking of her, at least once. I performed this task twice today. Unfortunately, I have the wrong day. Today, I am supposed to do something unexpectedly nice. While I initially felt that coming home on-time as expected would in fact qualify as something unexpectedly nice, I fear that feeling may not be mutual. So, while I feel slightly robbed, apparently I called home for no apparent reason and in fact have to still do something unexpectedly nice. I am drawing a blank, but am confident I will succeed.

Reading the first chapter of the dare reminded me I need to learn to shut my mouth, and listen. Yes, I have plenty to say. And, I might add, I have a self-proclaimed proven track record of being right....approximately 33 years straight. I am learning that in a relationship there is no right or wrong, there is only a "US". The point is not to "win" an argument, because when someone wins, really everyone is losing. Rather, the point as I understand it, is to be and stay united, communicate your way through issues. I will continue to work on this.

For the record, however.....I am nearly always right. And, I did in fact have several paragraphs worth of material. I hereby declare Day 1 a success.

~Joseph
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A New Beginning...... The Season of Lent

Lent (Latin: Quadragesima) is a solemn observance in the liturgical year of many Christian denominations, lasting for a period of approximately six weeks leading up to Easter Sunday. In the general Latin-rite and most Western denominations Lent is taken to run from Ash Wednesday to Maundy Thursday (Holy Thursday) morning or to Easter Eve. In the Catholic Church, Lent lasts until Holy Thursday, while other denominations run until Easter Eve.
The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer—through prayer, penance, repentance, almsgiving, and self-denial. Its institutional purpose is heightened in the annual commemoration of Holy Week, marking the death and resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the events of the the Bible when Jesus is crucified on Good Friday, which then culminates in the celebration on Easter Sunday of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.
During Lent, many of the faithful commit to fasting or giving up certain types of luxuries as a form of penitence.


Penitence: The quality or state of being penitent : sorrow for sins or faults.  

After being married for ten years the hubby and I are both guilty of sins and faults against each other.  Like most people we have our disagreements, we have times where words are said that can be painful and we both have times where our actions in the marriage have not honored one another.  Marriage is hard and can put you in situations you never thought you would be in.  But through it all one thing has remained for me towards my hubby, its my love and dedication to him.

The season of Lent it about being sorrow for your sins and faults while honoring Christ for what He gave up for us... HIS life.  My family practices this tradition each year by deciding what we are going to give up for Lent and what actions we will do to bring our faith and relationship closer to God.  This is something we have tried to do each season and have our children do as well.

My hubby and I strive to do the same with our relationship, what we can do to bring us closer together and our bond more solid.  For those who know me and follow me the way I started was by taking the The Love Dare.  I took the dare as a way to help improve myself as a wife and show my hubby what he meant to me.  Now my hubby is wanting to take the challenge with me.  So last night we decided that we would begin the challenge together by each of us starting over.  We want to help anyone out there who is trying to improve their marriage as well so my hubby has agreed to blog along with me.

Going forward we will each blog together about the chapter, the challenge and what affect it had on us.  This is a way for us to be able to share our growth with anyone out there and let you see it from both view points.  I am very excited to be sharing this with my hubby and all of you.

We will start on Monday the 25th of February.  

I look forward to this and I hope you do as well.

Have a great day, a wonderful weekend and remember all things are possible through God.

~Mellie

***I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

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I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****