True strength......

 



 

 

This is generally the first thing I see each day when I wake up.  I hung this a few months ago as a reminder to carry myself with strength, dignity and to laugh more.  It's my belief that if you say something, think something or act a certain way enough times you can change the way your mind thinks and improve who you are as a person.  For example, when I lost all my baby weight and I weighed 130lbs when I looked in the mirror I still saw a girl who weighed 170lbs.  It took me a long time to retrain my thinking and the body image I had in my head to actually see the person who is really standing in the mirror.  A beautiful, healthy and athletic woman.  But it took time for me to retrain my mind and how I perceived myself.   It's my belief that we all have certain thoughts in our minds that should and can be retrained and we all have the power to be able to make the necessary changes.

 

But what happens when we fail at our new way of thinking or fail at our goals to improve who we are?  For some they throw in the towel and give up, for some they look at the next day as a new chance to do it better and for others they beat themselves up and relive the mistake over and over again.

 

I am an A to Z kind of girl.  This is a good quality about me because it helps me succeed and it helps me be persistent.  However, it's also a bad trait because when I find myself floating in between A and Z I feel like a failure.  When I feel like a failure I beat myself up. This can come in the form of berating myself in my mind or it can come in the form of abusing my body by doing things that are not in the healthy lifestyle I strive for each and every day.  Regardless of how I act out what I have learned over the years is I am very hard on myself and forget that it's okay to have failures and it's okay to make mistakes because no one is perfect.

 

I am a strong person.  I have always had the ability to overcome issues and circumstances that others may not have been so lucky to overcome.  I have always possessed the ability to just pick up the pieces and make the most of my situation without having to play a victim.  Have I always done my best with my best foot forward?  NO.  But that's what makes me human, makes me strong and not only be able to recognize my failures but accept them and try and learn from them.

 

There is no strength without challenge, adversity, resistance and most times pain.  The problems that make you want to throw your hands up in the air, or in my case beat myself up, will build your tenacity, courage, discipline and determination. 

 

When you face challenges in your life such as heartache, pain and someone coming against you, the best thing to do is simple... just stand there.  What I have came to understand in my life is that my strength comes from the ability to stand up, face the issue, don't back down to the resistance and know that I can walk through the challenge and come out stronger on the other side  That is true strength.  Strength doesn't mean that we won't mess up it just means that we will not allow the challenges to overcome us, we will not allow the heartache to define us and we will not allow the person coming against us to belittle ourselves..  It means we will stand up, stand tall, strong, proud and push through.  Because on the other side is where we will see clarity, find peace and do what's so important for all of us... continue to grow and be a better version of ourselves.

 

She is clothed in Strength........

 

~Mellie

 

 

 

 

This little light of mine.....

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel? No!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel? No!
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Don't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Shine all over

[name of town]

I'm gonna let it shine
Shine all over

[name of town]

I'm gonna let it shine
Shine all over

[name of town]

I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

Let it shine til Jesus comes,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine til Jesus comes,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine til Jesus comes,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine.

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine. 

As a small child my Aunt and Uncle use to take me to church every Sunday.  Each Sunday my Uncle Arnie would drive out to my house to pick me up.  I was the youngest of three kids and the only one interested in God and going to church.  We would drive back to my Uncle's home and pick up my Aunt and then the three of us would be off for a morning of gospel.  The funny part was I would always fall asleep during the sermon on my Aunt's lap, but being there and being apart of it prior to the nap was my favorite day of the week.  I felt special because I was the only one with them and it was our time together and my Uncle always made it fun.

"This Little Light of Mine" was one of my favorite songs as child and I recall.I would walk around my house all the time singing this in my head.  At the time I understood the message the words held but didn't understand the significance of it until later in my adult life.

We are all lights that shine.  Our lives are the flame on a candle that flicker in the light and dark.  Just like a flame our lives our precious and need to be cared for.  A strong wind or storm could come along and blow out your light if you allowed it to.  You have to fight daily to keep your light burning in every way of your life. You can not hide the light or allow it to be stolen from you.  You can not blow out your own light because things get too tough.  You have to stand strong each day, everyday and keep your flame going.

Driving home from taking the littles to school and the dog to his doggy daycare I was riding along a road called Stafford Road.  Anyone who lives in Oregon in the Lake Oswego/West Linn area know this road and how windy the road is.  Each morning I listen to the radio or my Itunes off my phone. 

Music to me is a window to my soul.  Anyone who knows me can tell what kind of mood I am in or how I am feeling in life by the music I listen to.  Music speaks to me in a way like no other.  Sometimes I think it's God sending me messages on the direction of life I am suppose to take. And sometimes a song can take me to an old happy memory and remind me that life is good and can be even better if I allow it. Then there are times when the music touches me so deep inside it brings tears to my eyes.  Today that was the case.  As I maneuvered my way down Stafford road the music filed my car and tears filled my eyes.  

As I wiped away some of the tears and went to reach for an item to use to clear the tears from my eyes I did not realize the truck in front of me had his turn signal on and was going to be making a left hand. But he did and I missed it.  I slammed on my breaks and immediately turned my wheel to the right to avoid hitting his truck.  My car went off the road and slid to a stop in a small embankment on the side.  In the minute seconds it took for all of this to occur and for me to grasp what almost happened I felt a warmth come over me and I heard these words...

"Your life is a light, it is MY light and it's not for you to waste." 

I gathered myself quickly and got myself back on the road, shaking trying to understand the words I heard in my head. As I continued to try and gather myself and calm down while driving home the song "Landslide" came on.  This song speaks to me in so many ways because of my life and the changes that have occurred in it.  It's a reminder that life changes, things happen out of our control and life can come crashing down on you. BUT you still have the ability to rise to the top and continue climbing your mountain.  You STILL have to keep your light burning.

I do not have some mind boggling message to share with everyone today, no lesson in life, no point of sharing this story except for the ONE person out there today who feels like their light is dying. 

Our light is NOT our own.  It belongs to our higher power, it belongs to our families, it belongs to our friends and it belongs to us.  We all have the ability to touch each others lives in a positive way and we all have the same struggles in life, just different circumstances.  Keep your light burning.  

Life is like a candle, the flame can be blown out in a split second and it will all be over.  Love your flame, keep it burning and don't waste it. 

Have a bright day everyone.

~Mellie 

Lost.......

I am always losing things. It is not unual for me to misplace an item over and over again.  Before I had cars that had key pads, I would misplace my keys all the time.  I could spend hours hunting for them and tearing my house and purses apart only to find them underneath the seat of my car or on top of a shelf somewhere.

I have lost my ID so many times that I use to have two just so I would have a backup.  My phone is constantly lost, yes my phone.  During the Fall I have this habit of sticking it in my boots so that I do not have to carry a purse and will forget over and over again it's in there.  Just recently I thought my phone had been stolen from a place I was having lunch.  I was SURE I knew who picked it up and took it.  I went into the AT&T store to shut the phone off and report it stolen only to feel the phone slide down my leg further into my boot.

When my littles were little I would leave anything and everything around for them.  Binkis would be lost, bottles left on top of cars as I drove away, entire diaper bags left in a store in the dressing room after changing their diapers.  Coats have been left hanging in bathrooms and I can not tell you how many times I have lost my wallet when being out.  My hubby use to joke with me that when we would leave somewhere we had been together he would just quietly follow behind me and pick up everything I left. When I would realize I had left something I would turn around quickly to tell him I had to go back and he would be there smiling holding the item.  It's really a sickness of mine. 

When you realize you have lost something and you know you can not find it I think we all think about replacing it as soon as possible. Knowing that we can replace the lost item allows us to cope with the loss.  But is it really ever the same?  Sure you can go out and get another one, maybe it will be the same color or the same style or maybe it will be a different version of what you had and that may seem exiting to some.  A new and better version.  But will it every truly make you happy or will you always be thinking about the old one?  The old item will have memories attached to it, it's apart of who you are and how you got to be where you are today.  It may have had damage to it that you knew exactly where the damage came from and have a great story behind it.  It may have wear marks that only you know about but love because it was apart of your daily life.  New might be shinny and exciting but it can never take the place of your history, it can never be fully replaced and that can leave you with a forever sadness.

Instant gratification is a huge burden that I fight with daily.  I have to try and teach my kids that things are to be valued, cared for, taken care of and cherished.  Sure I could replace something that has been lost but the value and pride of keeping it and holding onto it goes a lot further than the gratification of going out and getting a new one.

Life is not meant to have things come so easily to us.  We are not meant to replace anything and everything just to feel better about ourselves.  It's a hard pattern not to fall into but I really feel like if we could all just slow down, hunt for that item we are missing and do everything we can to find it and bring it home.. we would all be a little bit happier.

~Mellie

I am......

If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

***  I feel with this card I have to, for the first time, add a disclosure.  I am NOT a victim of anything.  Yes, things have happened to me that were out of my control and not what I wanted but this does NOT make me a victim and I will NEVER play a victim role.  We are all dealt certain cards in our lives and what we do with those cards is up to us, we all have the same chances and opportunities as others.  You can either sit back and complain why things are not fair or you can participate in your life and make the most of it.  I will NEVER be someone who has to change her entire self so that others will like me, or so that I can be successful.  Where I am RIGHT now is good... I just know I can be better.***

"I am".....important.

What I am about to say is going to piss off a few people as soon as I type it, thus the reason for the disclosure. (And for my haters who read my blog so they can try and judge me or try and be me)

I do not feel important.

It is easy to see the other side of this and be able to list a thousand reasons why I am important....

My kids
My family
My friends
My dogs
My work

But if I am going to blog and be real than I have to share what is in my heart.  I do not feel important and I know that I allow people to make me feel that way.

When I was growing up I lived in house with two older siblings, boys.  My mother was a single mother, I had no father figure.  If I were to really look at myself in the mirror I would say this is what started my entire life of not feeling important.  I could never understand as a young child why there was a man out there, who was by blood my father, but wanted nothing to do with me.  What, as a baby, could I have possibly done to not be important enough to him to want nothing to do with me?  This questions haunted me until I was old enough to understand that of course, it had nothing to do with me.  But.... it never left me.

Fast forward 41 years.  I could sit here and list a handful of things that have happened to me over the years where I was left feeling... "How could this happen, what did I do to deserve this in my life?"  Yet none of the details of that list matters, what matters is what is left in my core.

I do not feel important.

Somewhere along the line I allowed the question of my father to come into the rest of my life and dictate a feeling of not being good enough, worthy enough, or important enough.  If I were important enough than things would not have been done to me that were done, because that loved one would not have wanted to hurt me.  If I were important enough old relationships would not have ended the way they did because the other party would have thought me important enough not to treat me like that. If I were important enough the success of my past careers would not have been subject to criticism and ridicule because I out did their top performers. If I were good enough other people's happiness would have not been put above my own and continue to be put above my own.  If I were good enough I wouldn't be facing an uncertain future because there would be someone by my side.  If, if, if, if, if.

Life is full of what ifs?  It's also full of joy, laughs, pain, tears, hurt, love, kindness, warmth and everything else that YOU allow to come into your life.

Yes, I have insecurities about myself.  Yes, I have baggage that I am still trying to understand.  Yes, I have pain that is so deep it keeps me up at night.  But what I also have is a great life!

It's okay to not feel important all the time.  It's okay not to feel worthy all of the time.  It's okay to question your worth sometimes.  What is not okay, and what I would never allow myself to do is to stay in that darkness and live a life of sadness, depression or trying to cover up what hurts by taking pills, drinking too much or hurting myself in anyway.

"I am".....important.  

Yes!  I am important to many people out in this world that is outside of my family.  I have the ability to help and motivate others when they do not feel like they can accomplish their goals on their own.  I am a good friend who will tell it like it is and never pass judgment on you no matter what you do.  I am a loyal person who would never intentionally hurt someone in my life by choices I made.  I am important to many people who count on me each day with being apart of their lives in a huge way or a small way.  I am important.

I have moments and circumstances where I do not feel important but I refuse to focus on those too much. There is a whole other side of me that IS important and the people who really know me, love me and care for me and know this about me and know I am important to them too.

Don't let your past, current situation or future allow you to stay in a place where you do not feel important.  Because no matter who you are, you could be my worst enemy reading this, YOU ARE IMPORTANT.  It's okay not to feel important...it's NOT okay to live that way or allow anyone to continue to treat you that way.

Make it an IMPORTANT day.

~Mellie 

I am.......

If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

Sometimes I can get lost in my own head, my own reality and it can bring me to a point of weakness.  Others might try and tell me my feelings or thoughts are irrational or emotional. They tell me that my thoughts are not the truth, and that I only make them the truth in my mind but in the end I usually end up being correct and have a good sense of what is real and what is not during hard times.  Does this mean I handle it correctly and take the high road in life?  Not always.

Life IS emotional.  When things happen to us that are out of our control and either threaten us or hurt us, of course the emotions come out and take over.  How else would it be?  It's emotional when you are in pain, it is emotional when you have been wronged, it's emotional when you find out things are not the way you thought they were..  This does not make any of us emotionally unstable, it makes us human.  But what it does do to us all is prevents us from living.

I am...... alive.

Am I, really?

There are days in life where I do not want to get out of bed.  My alarm will go off at 5:30am and my first thought is "No, not again."  As if I had hoped when I laid my head on my pillow the night before I would wake up in Heaven surrounded by God, my family and the warmth and love of the Heavens.  But instead I am in my bed, in the dark facing another day.  A day of uncertainty and sometimes full of fear.

When I pulled this "I am" card out of the bag this morning  I teared up. The statement of being alive really made me look at my life in a deeper way for a moment.

Am I alive?

Do I live my life to the fullest?  Do I live each day the best way I can?  Do I honor, love and respect MYSELF each day fulfilling the command of God to live life? ("But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness."  ~Galatians 5:22)  If I have to be honest, which of course I will be, the answer is no.

Yes, I live life.  My Facebook is full of pictures, full of smiles from me and my littles, funny status updates, thoughtful status updates, adventures, silly quotes from my littles, silly quotes with pictures.  Fun and harmless bantering between friends and myself.   But if I really take a deep look into my world, especially over the past year, the answer is no, I am not living the life I set out to live.

I am in a mode that I like to call "Fake it till you make it."  I have really been living this way for sometime now.  Does this mean I am a fake person, HELL NO!.  I am about as real as you can get and sometimes too real for others to accept.  But "Fake it till you make it" means when I am low or not feeling myself I will still walk around with a smile on my face.  If I am angry with someone and we have unresolved issues I will still smile and be friendly with them even though on the inside I am struggling.  When I do not feel like working out, of course I go to the gym and do my workout anyway.  These little actions each day, all day everyday is how I live my life.  I am focused on being able to get through the moment, the hour
and the day rather than taking the time to enjoy those moments. This does not mean I do not enjoy my moments.  If you see a picture of me at a game or with my littles and we are laughing, or smiling don't think I am crying on the inside.. I am not.  What I am saying is I can do a better job at my life.

What today's "I am" card says to me is that it's time I stop living this way.  It's time that I really live like I am alive and try and have joy in my life instead of stress, worry or pain.  It's time to go out and make a new reality for myself and try and live in each moment rather than just trying to get through it.  Instead of worrying about the future or thinking about the past I just need to live... right here.. right now.. in THIS moment.  This moment is the only moment I am guaranteed and I want to make sure I give it the ultimate respect it deserves.

I do not regret my past or feel remorse for the way I have lived.  My past has brought me to this very moment today where I sit and when I look around at my family I know I am blessed. I would never regret a moment, no matter how painful it was or how ridiculous I may have acted because it brought me here and and made me.. me!!!  I am still continuing to grow as a person, a mother, and a friend.  I can accept my past and look forward to my future but live in the moment of now and enjoy that moment more than I have been. I need to learn to let go of fear and the power it has over me.  By doing this and other small acts I know that I can change the way I live my life, the way I think and the way I act to not only better myself but also better the example for my children and friends. 

The wonderful thing about each new day is that you are given the chance to do it better than the day before.  You're given the chance to learn from the day before and apply it to each day to help YOU on the path to the life you were meant to be living.  Each day is a brand new slate that is wiped clean and a brand new lease on life and I am going to do everything in my power to enjoy the clean slate!

"I am".... alive and "I am"..... ready to get busy living. 

Make it a great day!

~Mellie