The Love Dare-Day Four

Contact your spouse sometime during the business day of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

How precious also are Your thoughts of me... How vast is the sum of them!  If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.  -Psalm 139:17-18

Love is thoughtful.  When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally.  You spent hours dreaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he or she was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying every moment of the time you spend together.  Love requires thoughtfulness- on both sides- the kind that builds bridges through constructive combination of patience, kindness and selflessness.  Love teaches you how to meet in the middle, to respect and appreciate your spouse and how your spouse uniquely thinks.  Great marriages come from great thinking.

How many of us call our spouses just to say hello and see if they need anything?  I think I have done this less times than I could count on one hand in my marriage.  Sure, I call him but often but when I call to say hello the conversation will turn to something about bills, work, the house or the kids.  I often find myself not calling just to say hello and to let him know I was thinking about him.

Today I had to tweak my challenge.  Today my hubby and I have the day off together so we were together all day today.  So I took my challenge and just made sure that I did check ins with him during the day.  "How are you?  Is there anything I can get for you? Do you need anything?"  I tried to stay in communication with him in person while still letting him know I was open and willing to do anything he needed.  I am sure it is not the same but I did not want to skip the challenge all together.  My plan is to do this first thing on Monday and just have an extra challenge that day so that he will get the full affect.

I have to share doing this challenge and thinking about it during the day has really helped me put some things into perspective.  It has reminded me that I need to show kindness, patience and selfessness but doing it in a way where I am not expecting anything back.

This is my challenge, this is not his and it is not fair for me to think of ways I think he should react to what I am doing.  For all I know he is not even aware of what I am doing, I know he is not reading my blogs because I am not posting them on my Facebook.  But that's okay because this is not about him,  this is about me striving to do better, to find a more holy love for him that I can show in my actions, my words and my expressions.

I am sad to hear that friends of mine are thinking of divorce.  They have been together for awhile now, not as long as my hubby and I, but still a long time.  This couple is just at the end of their rope and the story I am hearing is that she is tired of feeling like she is the one doing all the giving and compromising plus compromising who she is.  Her complaint is that her hubby drinks too much for her taste and is not forthcoming in his actions.  He pretty much lies about everything in her mind.  So she just feels that it's time to call it and move on and save herself any more pain.  He is tired of all the fighting and thinks that life would be easier for him if they just went their separate ways.  They have two kids and pretty much the only thing they agree on is that the kids will be fine.

But as I listen to her explain why the marriage is falling apart from her point of view and from his I think to myself.... all I am hearing is "me"  She wants to save herself, he wants this or that... there is nothing about them being together in this. In fact it sounds like they are on different sides of the fence and have been for most of their marriage.  

There is a song called "I won't give up"  By Jason Mraz.  

Part of the song goes:

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am.
I won't give up on us

"We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in"  So many people don't want to learn how to bend and how to come together, I think we get so stuck in fighting about the things we want in our marriage or the feelings we have we forget that we should be fighting to stick together and learn how to bend so that both parties are happy.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I am not saying I live the perfect marriage or have all the answers but what I have learned in my life and in this marriage is I am willing to learn how to bend to keep my marriage together and find a way to make my marriage solid.  Am I done? Did I master it?  No!!!  I am still working at it everyday.  I am still asking God for help everyday, I am still on my knees praying for strength and for guidance.  But like this song says, "I won't give up."

I hope my friends can work through their marriage and see that they need to not be working against each other but for each other.  This is a partnership and a bond that no one should be able to break and they are on the same team.  I think they have forgotten they are on the same team.  Plus, I don't care what anyone thinks... the kids will not be fine.  Kids from a broken marriage will always have issues with the divorce and the separation of their family.

Anyway, today was another good day.  I felt like I took my challenge to heart and did what I set out to do and I hope it gets me closer to being a better wife and having a stronger marriage.

Have a great night everyone.

~Mellie

 

 

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

The Love Dare-Day Three

 Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you.  It's hard to care for something you are not investing in.  Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says,

 "I was thinking of you today."

Yesterdays challenge was about not being selfish.  When a husband puts his interest, desires, and priorities in front of his wife, that's a sign of selfishness.  When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness.  But love "does not seek it's own" (1 Corinthians 13:5)  Loving couples-the ones who are enjoying the full purpose of marriage- are bent on taking good care of the other flawed human they get to share their life with.  That's because true love looks for ways to say "yes."

So my challenge yesterday was to do something for my hubby to show him I was thinking about him and I was loving him.  The challenge said to buy something for him but my hubby doesn't like to have money spent on him.  Sure, we will go out as a couple and pick things up for each other or we each go on line and get ourselves something like a new shirt or what have you.  But going out and getting him a gift makes him a little uncomfortable so I knew I would have to tweak this gift to make it meaningful for my hubby.

What I choose to do was I sat with myself for a few moments and thought back over the years of our marriage.  I made sure to focus only on the positive times in our lives and not get lost in any negative.  I allowed my memories to flood my mind with things we had done as a couple over the years.  Memories that were only about him and I, not the kids and us.  That is when it came to me, the memory of a Vegas trip we took together.

We had just had Gabriella, she was only about 5 months old when my hubby decided we were going to Vegas and planned a trip for us.  I had been to Vegas a handful of  times prior to our marriage but this was the first time we were going as a married couple.  This was a great time for us.  He planned so many events and sight seeing attractions we had the time of our lives.
We saw Blue Man Group http://www.blueman.com/montecarlo?gclid=CL6fjoKlhLUCFQhyQgod1GYAzg,
we went to Tony N' Tina's Wedding http://www.showtickets.com/Las-Vegas-Shows/Tony-n-Tinas-Wedding/?cm_mmc=Paid+Search-_-google-_-Shows-_-Tony+n+Tinas_tony+and+tinas+wedding&mkwid=sKtnd4ivC&pcrid=16618406427&pmt=b&pkw=tony%20and%20tinas%20wedding&gclid=CPuD_9-khLUCFQhyQgod1GYAzg,
we went up to The Paris Hotel http://www.parislasvegas.com/?creativeproperty=PLV&source=PSx5x338619&site=google&act=LAV&cmp=LAV_PLVOcc.BMM&adg=Branded&kw=+paris_+vegas and went up the Eiffel Tower.

Our time was filled with so many little adventures but they were big in my heart because we were doing them together and my hubby went out of his way to plan them for us.  It was a great time!

So rather than going out and buying my hubby something, I went into my box of things I keep and I dug out all the ticket stubs for the Vegas trip.  I had saved all the napkins from the hotels we ate at, bars we went to, dance clubs, everything. I gathered all that mementos I had been saving from 7 years ago and wrote my hubby a note and gave them to him.  My hopes was to show him how much that trip meant to me, how much our memories meant to me and how much I was thinking and loving him yesterday. 

When I presented the gift to him I think he enjoyed looking through all the stuff and recalling what we did on that trip.

I know doing this 60 day challenge, even though I am only into day three, has helped me to look past current situations that might be a struggle for us now and recall the times in the past that has brought us here today.  I really feel like this is a chance for me to renew myself as a wife to my hubby and allow myself the freedom to let go of all the junk that comes in a marriage of ten years.

Yesterday challenge forced me to ask myself:

Do you really want what's best for your hubby?
Do you really want your hubby to feel loved?
Do you really have your hubby's best interest in mind?
Does your hubby see you looking out for yourself first?

Whether I like it or not I have a reputation in the eyes of my hubby and those around me.  I want to make sure it is a loving reputation and remind myself daily that my marriage is my purpose.  Making my bond with my hubby to keep our marriage strong in the faces of the storms is one of my purposes.  Not only for my kids but for ME.  I do not work at my marriage only because I do not want my kids to come from a broken home.... I work for my marriage because he is the love of my life.  He is the one I want to be with and he is the only one who has had a hold on me this tight and for this long.  He is the only one I have heard the voice of God saying to me..... "you're not done Mellie.... stay strong... stay there.. and keep fighting."

Life is hard.  Marriage is even harder.  But we are meant to love one another and live a happy life that is based on love, respect and Christ like and I feel in this day and age with so many people trying to get instant gratification we forget the real reason we are here on Earth.... to be happy and live our lives as best as we can and to the fullest that we can with God in our hearts and a love by our side.

Today was a good challenge.... not only was I able to show my hubby love... I was able to remind myself of the love that we have together and tell myself... "Keep working, it will all be worth it in the end."

~Mellie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looks for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

The Love Dare-Day Two

Love is Kind

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. - Ephesians 4:32

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.  

Yesterday's challenge was Being Kind.  Kindness is a love action.  If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive change.  The Bible key in this day's challenge is on the importance of kindness: "Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.  so you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man."  (Proverbs 3:3-4)

Day two was not really a challenge for me.  I was able to make sure the words coming out of my mouth to my hubby were only positive and loving words.  I did hold my tongue a few times when my EMOTIONS tried to take over me, so having this challenge in the forefront of my mind helped me determine those words were not needed and I discarded them. 

Yesterday was a mental battle for me because I am trying to learn trust again.  I feel so many time in my marriage I have forgiven and moved on only to have my trust broken over and over again.  I know my hubby understands this and deep down inside knows this, but it isn't something we openly talk about.  No one wants to admit that they hurt the one they love and no one wants to be faced with their mistakes over and over again. When you spend so many years together you seem to take turns hurting each other. Because of these issues my mind was running like Lance Armstrong running from his truth.  My mind was flooded with memories I did not want to be thinking about, as if they were a movie being played in my head.  So I battled this all day yesterday and I battled my lack of trust in people.  

But where I got my enjoyment from was when my hubby came home.  

Today I was challenged to do at least one unexpected gesture of kindness for him.  I thought about this all day and tried to rack my brain with what I would do for him that would be out of the norm.  I debated getting him a little treat, he has been working so hard at the gym I thought maybe a candy bar with a sweet message would be good-but then I realized this wasn't really being supportive to his goals.  Then I thought about getting him a gift, a new shirt, a new belt, something like that.  However, unlike me, to my hubby this isn't really something that shows him kindness.  Then it came to me.

For the past few months I have been making a book for my hubby.  It was a way for me to document things we had been doing as a couple, trips we had taken, memories we were building.  I wrote poems in the book, put pictures of us, songs that remind me of him or of our marriage... and letters.  Letters I would write to him when I was moved with an emotion.  I decided that today was the day I was meant to give this book to him and show him how much he means to me and show him how much the times we spend together are cherished in my heart.  I also wanted the book to represent a moment in his life where even with all the chaos that can go on between us, all the past hurts and all the current struggles... he is loved.  Loved for who he is, loved for the core of himself and not what he represents.  This book was meant to show him that no matter what... he has a place in my heart never occupied by anyone else and never will be again... he means that much to me.

So I gave him the book and I think he liked it, he seemed moved by it.  He told me no one has ever done anything like that for him.  I just smiled and told him I love him, honor him and he means the world to me.  He took a few minutes and looked through the book and seemed to like the pages, I hope he can see the love in the pages and the love behind each entry.  But, when we give gifts to the ones we love it is not about us and our expectations it is about them and they get to react in anyway they want to.  So many times in my past I have felt bad if someone did not react the way I wanted them to for a gift I gave, I had to learn it is not about me it is about them and making them happy and if they did not like the gift or appreciate it then I needed to do a better job next time!

Today is Day three and I am excited to get in my book and see what I am going to be focused on today and how this is going to improve my marriage, my faith and my partnership with my best friend.

It's a new day!  New Beginnings, new hope.  I am going to have a great day today and I hope you all do too as well!

~Mellie

***Reminder, I am not doing this challenge because my marriage is in trouble.. I am doing this challenge so I can walk a closer walk in my faith and be a better wife to my hubby.  With a marriage and relationship of 10 years you will have your ups and downs... I love my hubby, I adore him and my marriage and I strive to be better and better in my relationship with him and thought this would be a GREAT way to do it.  I share this with two friends who are struggling in their marriage.  We are doing it together to grow as women and wives. ***

 

The Love Dare, Day One

I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them yesterday to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looks for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.

Day One

The first part of this dare is fairly simple.  Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart.  For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all.  If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything.  It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret.

I have to say I started this dare on Tuesday January, 22 2013 because the night before my hubby and I had some struggles.  Some words were said in anger, hurt and in fear and we lashed out at each other.  This is NEVER my intention when a problem arises with him, but as most my emotions get the best of me and fear takes over and I lash out.  It really is something I am trying to work on because it is not pretty, it does not honor my hubby and it is not God like.  So in the morning when I came down to my desk to work my book was sitting there and I told myself... No better day than today.

I was able to achieve my goal.  I did not say anything negative to my hubby.  Several times today I thought of the pain and embarrassment I felt knowing some of the things going on around me.  But I refused to say anything or post anything negative.  I was determined not to allow my mind to run away with me and my emotions and take over.  I told myself I will love my hubby better than anyone can and I will show that love in every action I do towards him.

I made sure the house was in order when he got home and the kids were not being chaotic.  I greeted him when he came in the door with a smile and a kiss.  He shared something with me about his day that I made sure as I was listening I did not give any judgmental looks or ask any questions I just heard what he told me and supported him.  I made sure to show him my communication of love by touching him and stroking his hair and face.  This is nothing new that I do, but as I was doing it I realized I do not do it enough.  My love communication needs to come from more than just my words.... I have to show him the physical too outside of the bedroom.   This also shows him that I find him attractive and desire him.  

We ended up sneaking away for about two hours and went and had a drink together.  It was a chance I felt that I could use to connect with him again after a rough night and reinforce that this is where I want to be and hope he does too.  I felt like there was an elephant in the room but I said nothing negative and asked no pointed questions about that elephant.  I can only hope that he sees this action as me working on me and not working on him.  He is NOT my project, he is not for me to save or for me to lead.  This is for me and for me to change how I do things in my marriage.

I hope day one was the success I feel it was.  I am looking forward to reading my challenge today and seeing what is next.

~Mellie

Life is good even when there is chaos all around you.

My hubby and I just got home from having dinner at a friend's house. We are currently laying in our bed, on our own sides of the bed but our feet are touching. I can't help but think how blessed we are.

Two days ago I heard a saying that I have heard a thousand times in my life but didn't really HEAR it till that night.

"Sometimes you have to go through Hell to get to Heaven."

AMEN!!!

Life is full of ups and downs and sometimes people have more than others.. I know I have had my share of them. But what I realized is no matter how bad things get and no matter how many times I MAY not THINK I'm going to make it through something the same thing always happens....

The sun rises, I get up and I live through it.

I wish I had not spent so many years of my life thinking this was the be all end all when things got tough. It's just like I tell my clients and what I do for my own workouts... I put my big girl panties on and do what I have to do to get through it.

I have learned its all about the approach, the mindset and what I ALLOW myself to focus on. Feelings are just that.. Feelings! They don't define you, they don't determine your life. Feelings are just the way you feel. Yes, some are harder and hurt more than others... But if we can focus on the good and not let our emotions run away from us I think we could all be just a little happier and healthier. I'm tired of riding the feeling roller coaster.. It goes up and down and up and down again. I want off that ride.

I want to define me.
I want to determine my day..
Not let my feelings do the work.

I'm laying in bed with my best friend... Our feet are touching.. We are bonded and in love. My family is provided for and healthy. Chaos is all around me....

Life is good.