The Love Dare- Day Eleven

What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?  Can you run an errand?  Give him a back rub or foot massage?  Is there housework you could help with?  Choose a gesture that says "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

Love cherishes- Consider these two scenarios.  A man's older car begins to have serious problems; so much he is told it would need a complete overhaul that will force the man to almost deplete his savings to repair it.   Another man crushes his hand in a piece of equipment.  He goes to the ER where he is told he is going to need surgery to repair the hand, it will need a cast, and then he will need to gingerly nurse it back to health over a period of time.  The treatments are expensive and will deplete most of his savings.  The problem with our culture is that marriage is more often treated like the first scenario.  When relationships experience difficulties, more often than not people are encouraged to dump their spouse for a "newer model."  People who do this do not understand the true bond of marriage, the bond between a husband and wife is more like the second scenario.  You are part of each other. You would never cut off your hand, you would spend top dollar to repair it with any medical treatment possible.  You do this because your hand is part of you and so is your spouse.  Ephesians 5:28-29 says "Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it."  You mistreat your spouse, you are also mistreating yourself. It's time to let love change your thinking. It's time for you to realize that your spouse is as much a part of you as your own hand.  Your spouse, too, needs to be loved and cherished. And if your spouse is causing pain and frustration, then you should care for these with the same love and tenderness as you would your body.  Think about how you treat your spouse.  Do you cherish them?  Do you treat them with respect and tenderness?  Do you honor them in the eyes of the world? Do you take pleasure in who they are?  Or do you make them feel foolish, embarrassed and disrespected?  Don't allow the culture around you to determine the worth of your marriage.  To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it.  Whenever a husband looks into the eyes of his wife, he should remember "he who loves his wife loves himself." And a wife should remember that when she loves him, she is also giving love and honor to herself. Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

I have been sitting here reading this chapter over and over again and I am flooded with emotions. It would be easy to tell myself that I was successful in this challenge yesterday because I did do a gesture for my hubby that was my way of telling him I cherish him and love him.  Plus I did do it with a smile.  I let him relax after dinner and gave him a back rub, which I love to do for him.  But that is not really the meat and potatoes of this challenge.

 It would be really easy to sit here and read this and tell myself that this is something my hubby should be reading, that just like the chapter says and the bible verse says
"Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it."  But what I need to do is step back and look at my actions towards my hubby and define my treatment of him thus defining my treatment of myself.

The chapter asks me to ask myself:

Think about how you treat your spouse.  

Do you cherish them?  

Do you treat them with respect and tenderness?  

Do you honor them in the eyes of the world? 

Do you take pleasure in who they are?  

Or do you make them feel foolish, embarrassed and disrespected? 

I do cherish my husband.

I TRY and treat him with respect and tenderness. But am I using my definition of respect or his?

I TRY and honor him in the eyes of the world. But if I am frustrated and speak to a freind about my frustrations towards my hubby is this honoring him?  No.

I do take pleasure in who he is? Yes, I enjoy him as a person and he is my best friend, yet am I always trying to change his behaviors? 

I don't try and make him feel foolish, embarrassed or disrespected but again am I going by my definition of these words or his?

I find myself trying to say yes to each one of these questions but then I have to turn and look at myself through the eyes of my spouse and ask how he would answer these questions.  I am sure they would not be the answers I would think.

Yes, the meat and potatoes of this exercise was not about giving him a back rub it was about understanding how I treat him as a part of me.  How I nurture him as I would my own broken hand.  I currently and will continue to devote all that I have into nurturing him and our marriage and I am determined to be the wife God wants me to be so there will be no trading in for a new model for this girl.  But, to do so, I have to learn to dig deeper into my ways of nourishment and ask God for direction more and actually LISTEN to His direction.  

I love myself.  I want to live a full and happy life.  I want to feel loved, safe, secure, have no fears and live in the light of the Lord.  I want all of these things for me, so I must give all of these things to my hubby too.  Because when a wife loves her spouse, she is also giving love and honor to herself.

This was a good chapter for me, and today I am going to speak highly of my hubby, nourish and cherish him because he is the love of my life.  I have some work to do.

~Mellie

Dear 39 year old Mellie

Dear 39 year old Mellie,

It's exactly 20 days until you reach a new chapter in your life. In 20 short days your age card will flip to the 40's.

You have lived a full life of joy, struggles, happiness, and pain. You have saw things and lived through things you NEVER imagined you would or ever could. Some have described you as a strong women with survival written all over you.

You have loved, lost, and loved again. You put your heart and soul into your family and the dedication and strength you posses shows that.

You have tried, failed and tried again in all areas of your life always trying to better yourself for yourself and for others.

You have a love for God that is undying and yet not fully developed. Your faith keeps you going and keeps you learning.

But in the next 40 years learn how to let go. You have the ability to forgive but you need to learn to forget too. You no longer need to hold the pain from your childhood. You no longer have to live in the fear you grew up in. You no longer have to try and fix everything and everyone to keep the peace. Life is messy... It's okay, let it be messy and it's okay not to please everyone!

Your life is good. You are loved by many. You have many friends. Some people come into your life who are not meant to stay.... That's okay!!!! You don't have to try and hold onto them or allow them to try and make you feel bad. You have MANY friends who you have not seen in over a year who you can sit down with and it won't even seem like a day has passed. Treasure these friendships, love these friendships and learn that these are people who really love you.

Let go of anger and allow yourself to trust. Will you be hurt again, ABSOLUTELY but give that pain to God and allow him to ease you of it. Don't spend the next 40 years fighting old pain, allow yourself freedom and true forgiveness.

Take each day with a new deep breath and remind yourself you are loved. You are a child of God and what may come against you will NOT destroy you or control you.

Laugh more in the next 40 years. You look great with a smile on your face and life is too short not to laugh. Don't allow others to drag you into their drama.

Love like today is your last day on Earth. Love your true friends, love your family and love your God.

Travel more! Go back to weekend trips and day trips with your best friend, your hubby, don't let life get in the way. Take time out to see new places and do new things. Your children will be grown soon and then you can focus on bigger travels with your hubby. For now though, enjoy what you can do.

Finally, love yourself. Your body is your temple and your mind should be your sanctuary, not your hell. Let go of negative thoughts and doubts that creep in. Let go of the "what ifs" Live for now and for this moment in peace, prayer and harmony.

39 year old Mellie, it's been a LONG road but better things are coming your way and bigger things are going to happen.. enjoy them!

Your future is bright sister!

Love,

89 year old Mellie

The Love Dare-Day Ten

It's been a few days since I have posted my posts about The Love Dare.  The Love Dare is a challenge I gave to a few of my friends and myself.  I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I have seen and love the Movie Fireproof, which is where this dare stems from, so I decided I was going to do it and see if I could improve the areas I spoke of.

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Over this last weekend I did not do the dare.  I decided that this was something I was going to work on while my hubby was not home because I need time to read and really understand the dare and what the lesson of the dare is.  When my hubby and I do not work Friday through Sunday we are busy with the kids, spending time together and living life so it became clear to me that for ME, the weekends would be a down time.

Yesterday was Monday and it was Day Ten of the challenge:

Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse-something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else.  Wash her car. Clean the kitchen.  Buy his favorite dessert.  Fold the laundry.  Demonstrate love for them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Love is unconditional.  God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  If someone asks "Why do you love your husband?" - What would you say?  Women would probably say something about their husbands’ good looks, personality.  They’d commend him for his steadiness and constant character.  But what if over the years he stopped being every one of these things.  Would you still love him?  The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional.  The truth is this:  love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.  Both friendship and sex have an important role in your marriage as do other things.  But if your marriage totally depends on having common interests or enjoying a healthy sex life, then the foundation of your relationship is unstable.  Agape love is selfless and unconditional.  Agape love is "in sickness and health." "For richer or poorer" and "for better or worse." this is the only kind of true love there is because this is God's kind of love.  If a spouse says they have fallen out of love with you then they never really loved you unconditionally to begin with.  Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstances.

Wow, those are some pretty powerful words and some pretty hard words to swallow if you are reading this as a spouse.  Does my spouse love me unconditionally, and did he to begin with?  Those can be some hard questions to ask yourself and have to face in your marriage.

Yesterday was not a perfect day in married land.  I was PERSONALLY struggling with some issues I was having in coming to terms with a situation in my marriage.  A situation I know the outcome of but still have a hard time putting away the emotions and anger that created the scenario.  Rather than focusing my time on my challenge and what I was going to do to show my hubby that my love was based on choice, I allowed my emotions to run away with themselves and me and confronted my hubby with anger rather than love.  It was a tough few hours as we went through the issue.  The issue and the way we handled it was a failure on both our parts.  My hubby was the first to admit he could have handled his response better and that made me realize that I too needed to learn how to address problems in a better way when I am emotionally charged.  In the end we both hurt each other but we were both able to come together again and remember the reason we are together.......

Because we BOTH choose to be.

So I failed the dare by not DOING something to show my hubby that my love is based on my choice and nothing else.  But I felt like I accomplished my goal in learning that I love this man.  I am here because I want to be here.  I am forgiving of his things because he is the man I want to grow old with.  I beg for forgiveness from him because I want him to know he is the one I choose, he is the one God tells me to stay with and he is the one I love.

I started this dare to help some of my friends and to help myself be a better wife.  It did not mean I was not going to make mistakes along the way or that when problems arise I just toss it aside and say forget it.  Just like my marriage, I am in this for the long haul.  I am in this to learn, to grow and to be better.  I am going to make mistakes, I am going to hurt him, he is going to hurt me but if at the end of the day the two of us can still come together, kiss, hold hands, tell each other we love the other and end our day in prayer... than these bumps in the road are alright by me.

My love for my hubby is Agape love and yesterday’s breakdown just shows that to me even more.

Today I will continue to pray for strength in myself so that there will be more strength in my marriage.

~Mellie

The Love Dare-Day Nine

Think of a special way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smith and with enthusiasm.  Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

Love makes good impressions- You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another.  The bible speaks a lot about greeting others.  The apostle Paul took time to encourage his readers to greet one another warmly when they met.  It's probably something you don't think about often but how do you greet your spouse first thing in the morning, what is the look on your face when one returns from being gone to work or out?  What energy is in your voice when you speak to your spouse on the phone?  You probably never considered it-the difference it would make in your spouse's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see them.  It doesn't have to be bold and dramatic all the time.  But adding warmth and enthusiasm gives you the chance to touch your mate's heart in a subtle, unspoken way.

About four years ago I was driving in the car with my hubby.  For some reason that morning I had to drive into work with him, I do not recall the reason now but it doesn't matter.  You would think driving into work with my hubby would not have been a big deal but that morning I recall him being in a mood of all moods.  Nothing I said or did was right so when things were tough like that for us my response was to keep to myself as if not to rock the boat anymore.

This morning proved to be a challenge for me because he was not having the leave me alone and I will leave you alone tactic I had come up with in my mind.  At one point of the drive we were stopped at a light and I was looking straight ahead and he turned to me.  I remember thinking, "don't make eye contact just look forward."  That is when he said one of the most profound and hurtful things he has ever said to me. "You never smile, you just sit there and never smile."  Then he turned away from me began to drive again.  I remember thinking... "Smile?  What is there to smile about you have been a bear all morning long."  But it got me thinking.... he was right.  If I thought about my days and nights I did not walk around with a smile on my face most of the time.  Most of the time I was tired, struggling with a crying baby girl, trying to balance work and an infant at home and getting use to being married again after so many years on my own.  That day I decided I was going to start smiling more....even if I had to fake it.. that's what I was going to do.

I did not make this choice because my hubby spewed out his anger at me, I made this choice because I WANTED to have a smile on my face.  I WANTED to be happy about my life, I WANTED people to see me and see my smile.  So from that moment on I put a per-a-smile on.  

There were days I would have to fake that smile, oh boy did I have to fake it.  I use to joke with my girlfriend I was like the Joker in Batman with that stupid shit grin on his face.. that was me!  But I was determined to change that observation from my hubby into one that was a more positive observation that would not only make me happy but make him happy too.

Funny thing was, I didn't have to pretend long.  Pretty soon, I started to feel more happy because I forced that smile on my face.  I started to appreciate my life more and I honestly did feel more happy.  This is when I first learned I could train my mind to do whatever I wanted it to do.

"Train your mind and your body will follow,"  

I taught myself to be more happy with just putting a smile on my face.

I feel the same with this challenge.  I generally greet my hubby with a smile and a hope for a kiss when he walks through the door but to be honest with you there are days I am in a panic rush just to get things done before he gets home and before we have to start working on the challenges of the night.  This challenge reminded me that just like my smile I need to invest my time in my greeting of my spouse, and my kids for that matter, when they all return from their days.  Yes, I am tired. I may be working when they all come in.  I have had a long day too.   But taking a few moments out of my day to put that smile on and show my enthusiasm to each of them is not too much to ask of me. 

When my hubby came home last night, I made sure to stop what I was doing so that I could focus only on him when he came into the door.  His usual arrival is to chase the kids around the living room for about two minutes while they run from him.  So I just stood there waiting (and smiling) then  when he was done he came over to me and I greeted him with a smile, a hug and a kiss that not only made him feel loved and missed but made me feel even more happy he was home.  It was a great way to connect instantly with him from a long day of him being gone.  The rest of the night was a success and we had a great evening.

I am really beginning to enjoy these challenges because they give ME a chance to work on ME.  They remind me how God wants me to be in my marriage and in my life and they help me express my love, gratitude and desire for my hubby.

Today was another great day!

~Melllie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

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I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****

The Love Dare-Day Eight

Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Love is not jealous-  Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man.  It comes from the root word for zeal and means "to burn with an intense fire"  The scriptures pointedly says, "Wrath is a fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?"  (Proverbs 27:4)

There are two forms of jealousy: legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy.  Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love turns their heart away from and replaces you with someone else in the mind, body or both.  Illegitimate is in the opposition to love-one rooted in selfishness. This is jealousy of someone or of someone being more popular and can lead to feeling of hatred towards that person.  When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader and the captain of his or her fan club. Both of you became one and were to share the enjoyment of the other.  Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealousy in.  It is time to let love, humility and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart.  It is time to let your mate's success draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

  
Wow.  This is a powerful chapter because I have at one time in my marriage felt both ways and have allowed each type of jealousy to rule my thoughts and my heart.  I do not know anyone who hasn't.  One of the great things about being a child of God is we are not meant to be perfect, He does not expect us to be perfect and live a perfect life.  What God wants for us is to have free will but make good choices and when we are in the wrong admit it, ask for forgiveness and let go of it by giving  it to Him.  Our sins are the reason Christ died on the cross.

I did do what the challenge asked me to and burned my list of negative thoughts about my hubby.  It was a tough day yesterday because there was some uncertainty going on in my marriage which put me into a few hours of fear.  Once the fear set in, even as much as I tried to put it out of my mind and stay busy working, then the jealousy came into play.  It is amazing how they go hand in hand and can totally take over your mind and heart if you allow it to.

But this day instead of freaking out and reacting I just stayed within myself.  Yes, it was in my mind and there was panic and fear but I did not allow it to control me.  Normally these kinds of feelings can set me into a tail spin and I will spin out of control.  But I continued to tell myself "These are just feelings, you are not going to allow them to control you... what will be will be it is out of your control."  I silently said prayers to God to give me strength and I prayed for forgiveness for spending time jumping in and out of the Depreciation Room (see: The Love Dare-Day Seven)

By the end of the day my hubby was home and I was able to openly share with him my fears.  And you know what happened?  He listened AND heard me, he did not get defensive and he did not react either.... We just had a simple conversation about my fears and he helped me get over them.  This was God at work in my marriage because this is not our pattern.... God is good!

This chapter asked me how hard it was to burn the list, it really wasn't hard for me at all.  I love my hubby, I KNOW he is the man for me and I KNOW he can be all that he wants to be in this marriage and in his life.  I KNOW these negative attributes are not the only things that make him up and I know that he tries to overcome them.  My hubby is a good man, he has a big heart and he loves his wife and family.  He just has his own things he needs to work on and realize they do not define him and he does not have to let them rule his life or his choices.  This list was easy to burn, because I know this is not the man my hubby is meant to be, this is not the man God meant for him to be.  He will overcome and WE will live the life we were meant to live...... together.

I am my hubby's biggest fan, I always have been and I always will.

~Mellie

****I have a couple friends who are struggling in their marriage.  I challenged them to take the Love Dare with me.  This is a 60 day love challenge based off the movie FireProof Your Marriage.  I have started this challenge in the past but not fully dove into it or completed it so I thought if I got these ladies to do it with me we could all work through it together.

http://www.lifeway.com/Product/the-love-dare-paperback-p005180605



I am always looking for ways to improve my marriage, my faith and my relationship with my hubby.  I am doing this for me more so than FOR him.  It is about changing who I am and who I want to be as a wife and mother and child of God.****