I am......

If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

***  I feel with this card I have to, for the first time, add a disclosure.  I am NOT a victim of anything.  Yes, things have happened to me that were out of my control and not what I wanted but this does NOT make me a victim and I will NEVER play a victim role.  We are all dealt certain cards in our lives and what we do with those cards is up to us, we all have the same chances and opportunities as others.  You can either sit back and complain why things are not fair or you can participate in your life and make the most of it.  I will NEVER be someone who has to change her entire self so that others will like me, or so that I can be successful.  Where I am RIGHT now is good... I just know I can be better.***

"I am".....important.

What I am about to say is going to piss off a few people as soon as I type it, thus the reason for the disclosure. (And for my haters who read my blog so they can try and judge me or try and be me)

I do not feel important.

It is easy to see the other side of this and be able to list a thousand reasons why I am important....

My kids
My family
My friends
My dogs
My work

But if I am going to blog and be real than I have to share what is in my heart.  I do not feel important and I know that I allow people to make me feel that way.

When I was growing up I lived in house with two older siblings, boys.  My mother was a single mother, I had no father figure.  If I were to really look at myself in the mirror I would say this is what started my entire life of not feeling important.  I could never understand as a young child why there was a man out there, who was by blood my father, but wanted nothing to do with me.  What, as a baby, could I have possibly done to not be important enough to him to want nothing to do with me?  This questions haunted me until I was old enough to understand that of course, it had nothing to do with me.  But.... it never left me.

Fast forward 41 years.  I could sit here and list a handful of things that have happened to me over the years where I was left feeling... "How could this happen, what did I do to deserve this in my life?"  Yet none of the details of that list matters, what matters is what is left in my core.

I do not feel important.

Somewhere along the line I allowed the question of my father to come into the rest of my life and dictate a feeling of not being good enough, worthy enough, or important enough.  If I were important enough than things would not have been done to me that were done, because that loved one would not have wanted to hurt me.  If I were important enough old relationships would not have ended the way they did because the other party would have thought me important enough not to treat me like that. If I were important enough the success of my past careers would not have been subject to criticism and ridicule because I out did their top performers. If I were good enough other people's happiness would have not been put above my own and continue to be put above my own.  If I were good enough I wouldn't be facing an uncertain future because there would be someone by my side.  If, if, if, if, if.

Life is full of what ifs?  It's also full of joy, laughs, pain, tears, hurt, love, kindness, warmth and everything else that YOU allow to come into your life.

Yes, I have insecurities about myself.  Yes, I have baggage that I am still trying to understand.  Yes, I have pain that is so deep it keeps me up at night.  But what I also have is a great life!

It's okay to not feel important all the time.  It's okay not to feel worthy all of the time.  It's okay to question your worth sometimes.  What is not okay, and what I would never allow myself to do is to stay in that darkness and live a life of sadness, depression or trying to cover up what hurts by taking pills, drinking too much or hurting myself in anyway.

"I am".....important.  

Yes!  I am important to many people out in this world that is outside of my family.  I have the ability to help and motivate others when they do not feel like they can accomplish their goals on their own.  I am a good friend who will tell it like it is and never pass judgment on you no matter what you do.  I am a loyal person who would never intentionally hurt someone in my life by choices I made.  I am important to many people who count on me each day with being apart of their lives in a huge way or a small way.  I am important.

I have moments and circumstances where I do not feel important but I refuse to focus on those too much. There is a whole other side of me that IS important and the people who really know me, love me and care for me and know this about me and know I am important to them too.

Don't let your past, current situation or future allow you to stay in a place where you do not feel important.  Because no matter who you are, you could be my worst enemy reading this, YOU ARE IMPORTANT.  It's okay not to feel important...it's NOT okay to live that way or allow anyone to continue to treat you that way.

Make it an IMPORTANT day.

~Mellie 

I am.......

If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

Sometimes I can get lost in my own head, my own reality and it can bring me to a point of weakness.  Others might try and tell me my feelings or thoughts are irrational or emotional. They tell me that my thoughts are not the truth, and that I only make them the truth in my mind but in the end I usually end up being correct and have a good sense of what is real and what is not during hard times.  Does this mean I handle it correctly and take the high road in life?  Not always.

Life IS emotional.  When things happen to us that are out of our control and either threaten us or hurt us, of course the emotions come out and take over.  How else would it be?  It's emotional when you are in pain, it is emotional when you have been wronged, it's emotional when you find out things are not the way you thought they were..  This does not make any of us emotionally unstable, it makes us human.  But what it does do to us all is prevents us from living.

I am...... alive.

Am I, really?

There are days in life where I do not want to get out of bed.  My alarm will go off at 5:30am and my first thought is "No, not again."  As if I had hoped when I laid my head on my pillow the night before I would wake up in Heaven surrounded by God, my family and the warmth and love of the Heavens.  But instead I am in my bed, in the dark facing another day.  A day of uncertainty and sometimes full of fear.

When I pulled this "I am" card out of the bag this morning  I teared up. The statement of being alive really made me look at my life in a deeper way for a moment.

Am I alive?

Do I live my life to the fullest?  Do I live each day the best way I can?  Do I honor, love and respect MYSELF each day fulfilling the command of God to live life? ("But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness."  ~Galatians 5:22)  If I have to be honest, which of course I will be, the answer is no.

Yes, I live life.  My Facebook is full of pictures, full of smiles from me and my littles, funny status updates, thoughtful status updates, adventures, silly quotes from my littles, silly quotes with pictures.  Fun and harmless bantering between friends and myself.   But if I really take a deep look into my world, especially over the past year, the answer is no, I am not living the life I set out to live.

I am in a mode that I like to call "Fake it till you make it."  I have really been living this way for sometime now.  Does this mean I am a fake person, HELL NO!.  I am about as real as you can get and sometimes too real for others to accept.  But "Fake it till you make it" means when I am low or not feeling myself I will still walk around with a smile on my face.  If I am angry with someone and we have unresolved issues I will still smile and be friendly with them even though on the inside I am struggling.  When I do not feel like working out, of course I go to the gym and do my workout anyway.  These little actions each day, all day everyday is how I live my life.  I am focused on being able to get through the moment, the hour
and the day rather than taking the time to enjoy those moments. This does not mean I do not enjoy my moments.  If you see a picture of me at a game or with my littles and we are laughing, or smiling don't think I am crying on the inside.. I am not.  What I am saying is I can do a better job at my life.

What today's "I am" card says to me is that it's time I stop living this way.  It's time that I really live like I am alive and try and have joy in my life instead of stress, worry or pain.  It's time to go out and make a new reality for myself and try and live in each moment rather than just trying to get through it.  Instead of worrying about the future or thinking about the past I just need to live... right here.. right now.. in THIS moment.  This moment is the only moment I am guaranteed and I want to make sure I give it the ultimate respect it deserves.

I do not regret my past or feel remorse for the way I have lived.  My past has brought me to this very moment today where I sit and when I look around at my family I know I am blessed. I would never regret a moment, no matter how painful it was or how ridiculous I may have acted because it brought me here and and made me.. me!!!  I am still continuing to grow as a person, a mother, and a friend.  I can accept my past and look forward to my future but live in the moment of now and enjoy that moment more than I have been. I need to learn to let go of fear and the power it has over me.  By doing this and other small acts I know that I can change the way I live my life, the way I think and the way I act to not only better myself but also better the example for my children and friends. 

The wonderful thing about each new day is that you are given the chance to do it better than the day before.  You're given the chance to learn from the day before and apply it to each day to help YOU on the path to the life you were meant to be living.  Each day is a brand new slate that is wiped clean and a brand new lease on life and I am going to do everything in my power to enjoy the clean slate!

"I am".... alive and "I am"..... ready to get busy living. 

Make it a great day!

~Mellie 

Life is Messy......

My morning routine is pretty typical each weekday.  I get up, wake up the littles to get them dressed and go down and make breakfast.  I take out the dogs, feed the kids, take a shower, get myself ready, make my bed and then off to school we all go.  I drop the dog at doggy-daycare and return home to finish cleaning up the morning mess.  I get a load of laundry going, both dishwashers running, I make my shakes for the morning and sit down at my desk.  I will either blog first thing or I will listen to one of my favorite speakers, James Macdonald, to hear a message of faith and hope.  I then log into my desk and begin working the for day.  This is the routine I have and it really doesn't vary too much on any given weekday.

Today , when I returned home to continue with my routine my first feeling was of distress.  I had left more dishes than I normally do, I had more picking up than normally and I began to feel stressed and pressured to hurry up and get it all done so that I did not fall behind in my morning.  As I was standing in my kitchen going through my list of tasks in my head that I needed to accomplish in my home and for work I heard a little voice speak to me.

"Mellie, it's okay.  You're so blessed. Life is messy is is not a reflection on you."

It is not a reflection on me?
What did that mean?

And just as fast as I asked myself that question I knew the answer.

It's not a reflection on me as a mother or a woman if my house is a little messy.  It's not a reflection on me that there are 6 plates in the sink that have not been loaded in the dishwasher.  It's not a refection on me if my older boys had friends over late last night and the downstairs is a mess. It's not a refection on me if my littles have 12 piles of legos set out all over the floor because they are working on some big project (as they describe it).  It's not a reflection on me if I have folded laundry on my laundry room counter that is not put away.  It's not a reflection on me if there is dog hair all over the house.

Oh wait... it IS a reflection on me, a GOOD reflection.

It came to me that I was thinking of this as a negative when really it is a positive.  Each little mess in my house reflects that kind of home I provide for my family.  I help give them security, so of course favorite blankets are laying all around the kitchen where the littles eat their breakfast.  Dirty dishes are scattered around the house because I am able to help provide them with healthy foods to eat and treats to enjoy.  Laundry is in little piles in each room because everyone has clothes to wear.  Legos take over an entire play room because imaginations are being used. The downstairs is full of empty coke cans, dishes, empty cookie boxes and 6 sleeping boys because I help provide a fun and safe location for the teenagers to all meet and stay over at.  Dog hair is all over my house because I help provide my children with a pet who they love, take care of and who also protects our home. Providing my family with a safe, happy and full of life home to live in is not a negative reflection it's the BEST reflection.

I am secure in who I am.  I am a secure woman, friend and mother. Who as I become older understand more and more not only my value in this world but that the life I live is a reflection on the life my children will have and grow to have.  If I walked around full of anxiety and stressing over little things in life, such as a messy house, than that is not walking in life at all. I am doing my children no good in their future and no good in the future of their own families.   I do a good job.  I am a good mother and I am a good friend and anyone who does not think that of me, simply does not know me for who I really am.

My house may be a little messy at times, but life is messy and I would rather die today with a house full of happy kids and little messes than a house full of stress and worries.

Have a messy day!!

~Mellie 

Dear God

Dear God,

Thank you for the blessings of my life.  Thank you for seeing me through the times in my life where I have felt lost and alone.  Even though at the time I thought you had left me I know in my heart that you were there right next to me always whispering in my soul.

Lord please bless my kids in their school year this year. Let them each have a great experience that not only brings them joy and friendships but an even greater feeling of self worth and confidence.  Speak to each of them to let them know they are loved by You and that You are always with them.  Help them know they are not alone and in times of their own darkness they will be able to see the love of You and their family.  Lay your hands on them to keep them safe and feeling safe and allow me the knowledge to guide and lead them to the path that leads to You.  Send your angels to protect them and surround them with Your grace.

Lord forgive my moments of doubt in You and forgive my desire to take control of my own life.  Help me be strong in You so that I am strong in my life.  Bring to me Your desires for my life so that I may do good in the world and in someone's life.  I know my life is to be bigger than it is, open my eyes to Your vision and open my heart to Your faith.

Hear the secrets of my soul and lead me in Your direction.

In Jesus name I pray.... amen.

I am.......

If you have been following my blog you know these cards are called the I Am...... Cards.  The idea is to pull a card each day to read a positive affirmation to fill your mind with.  By focusing on positive thoughts, you can change how you feel and the way you think.  It's a simple way to experience life in a new and exciting way, and to explore your mind with the thought behind the "I am".... card of the day.

When I was younger and in school I can recall always wanting to "fit in."  My family moved a lot when I was young so being in a school for a long period of time, usually more than a year, was not common for myself or my brothers.  It was not until I got older and moved away from my mother that I spent a long period of time at one location.  This made it difficult for me to find a core group of friends to bond with. When I reached High School I lived with a girlfriend and her family and was able to reconnect with friends I had in middle school but I really only hung out with a handful of people.

I can recall in High School not having a real identity of who I was, lets face it who really does at such a young age, and I can remember trying to determine what sort of crowd I wanted to be associated with. However, it always seemed like I could never find a crowd that really spoke to who I felt like I was on the inside. So High School, for me, became my job. A job I knew I had to do but had my sights on completing and getting out of as soon as I was able.

Once I graduated I knew within myself it was time to finally be me.  I was not going to worry about what others thought of me. I was not going to try and be something I was not or do anything that I did not like doing because someone else wanted me to.  I started to find myself growing into a person who lead people vs. following them.

This card speaks to me today because I know in the depths of my heart I am a real person.  I do not put on a show for others so they will think of me one way when I am really another.  I do not pretend to be someone I am not and I do not apologize for being who I am.  I have really came to a place in my life where this is who I am.... take me or leave me but you will not make me.

I think each and everyone of us has or is still trying to find their place in this world.  I think we all strive to be a better person and a person who has an impact on other peoples lives in one way or another.  In this regard I am still searching for that part of me, trying to improve that characteristic.  I know in my heart I was meant to do something a little bit bigger than what I am currently doing.  But I know in my journey of determining this path, I am a real person who does not put on an act for anyone.


I see so many people in my day to day life trying to be something they are not.  Trying to impress someone else to make them fall in love or like them.  Some try to portray themselves as being more successful than they are.  Some try and make themselves fit into a mold of what they think others want them to be, but you can clearly see through them.  Not only seeing that they are not able to fit into that mold but also that they do not belong in that mold.  I see behind their eyes that the life they are living is not the one they want to live or thought they would end up living.  This does not mean they are not happy but I can see that they are not being who they really are on the inside.

We all have an "idea" of what our lives should look like. Some have bigger ideas than others and some do not push themselves hard enough for the potential that they have.  But we all have the ability to be true to our feelings and true to our own desires, thus making us true to ourselves.  We are not meant to fall into a crowd and disappear or hide behind the group.  We are meant to stand up and stand out and be passionate about life and our own desires.  We are not meant to conform into a mold of what someone else wants us to be, rather we are to create the mold that we want and find someone who can love and appreciate what we molded ourselves into.

As I am getting older my immortality is becoming more real to me because people I know or actors I grew up with are starting to pass away.  Seeing this kind of loss makes me realize I have to appreciate every moment I have on this earth and live my life to the fullest that I can in each moment.  I do not have time to try and be someone I am not.  I have to be true to myself and true to my life so that it is not wasted and I do not face too many regrets at the end of my days.  In addition I want to be able to demonstrate to my own kids that I lived MY life the way I wanted to.  I made no excuses for my decisions and I was a good person who everyone knew exactly where they stood with me.  This does not mean I live for me only, that is far from my truth, it just means that I know who I am and I am genuine.

I sometimes wonder when I pass away who would speak on my behalf at my celebration of life and what kind of words would they say about me?  Death has a tendency to glorify a person after they are gone and people will say things that might be a stretch of the truth about the person who has passed.  I like to think that when I go, there will be no stretching of the truth.  People who know me know that I am a stand up person and I am a person of compassion and passion for what I believe in.  I live my life not trying to impress anyone but rather impress on them the life they are living can be so much more if we just push ourselves out of our comfort zones.  I work hard for what I have and where I am, knowing nothing in this life was ever handed to me.  I had to go out and fight for it with blood, sweat, tears and give a part of myself every time to achieve the goals I had and have.  This makes me proud of who I am and proud that I am..... genuine.

Are you living a genuine life?

~Mellie