When the truth, isn't the truth.....

This is a weird blog for me.  I have had the thoughts of someone weighing on my heart for the past few weeks and can not shake it.  This person is dealing with a situation that has her being lied to over numerous circumstances.  She has spoken to me several times about it and as much as I try and be there for her it appears to me that I am not able to help her solve this issue at this time and that bothers me.

Being lied to is very painful.  There are several types of lies in my world.  There are the white lies that possibly assist you in getting out of doing something or going somewhere.  Then there are the lies that will hurt you or others in your life.  Compulsive lying is the worst.  That's when the person speaking the lies either doesn't know how to speak the truth or just doesn't care enough about anyone else to make is necessary.  This type of liar is only looking out for themselves.

It's my opinion that the basic reasons why people lie are:

1. To get out of trouble.
2. To gain something.
3. Because they fear something.
4. To be thought of better.
5. To hurt someone.

I am not perfect.  I have lied before to try and avoid conflict or to try and protect someone.  It never works out to my benefit and it always bites me in the ass afterwards.  This is a lesson I am continuing to learn.  But no matter what the reasons for my past lies are one thing always stands true, I hate myself afterwards.  No matter how good my intentions were and no matter how much I was trying to protect someone I always have felt awful about not speaking the truth.  I have allowed what I use to hold dear to me, my word, to be tarnished.  This does not mean that I go around lying all the time, what it means is that the times I have lied I hold close to my heart and regret with all my heart. It is my goal to recover from these one day. Which is allowing myself to forgive me.

However, I never lie to hurt someone...EVER!

I have tried to explain to my friend that the person in her life is not trying to hurt her, it's not personal, it's a character flaw of the other party and that the sooner she realizes this the sooner she will be able to make her stand and decision on which way she wants to go with the relationship.  Her feelings run deep and the pain it has caused her haunts her daily.  She feels the person lying to her is basically telling her "You are not worth the truth" and it is my understanding that hurts her more than the what was lied about.

I tried to approach her situation with trying to understand the lies.  When you are lied to the first questions we ask ourselves is why did that person lie?  Did they fear your reaction? Were they trying to hide something they knew you wouldn't approve of? Were they trying to get you to think better about them? Did they know they would get in trouble if they spoke the truth? Were they just trying to hurt you?

The reason for the lie will give you insight into their character. If someone was just trying to get me to think more highly of him or her, I'd be much more inclined to dismiss the lie. But if they were trying to hurt me with the lie, it would be much tougher to trust and dismiss it and this is where she feels she is.  She is caught in the pain of the lie and how what could seem like a simple tale really just indicates that to the person she is not worth the truth and this person does not respect her enough to tell the truth.

I have told my friend it's normal to be hurt and angry about being lied to, especially when it continues to happen over and over again. Being lied to destroys trust and trust can be an impossible thing to recover. I shared with my friend that people need to know she has boundaries. She needs them to understand she can only be pushed so far before the faith she holds will be forever broken.  I advised her that she can not let the other person just  assume that everything they do to her will be tolerated.  There are certain things she can't allow and she needs to make sure the other party knows this. Getting angry or emotional with someone when they lie to you only teaches them so much. And in fact most liars will just accept that this will be apart of the process and know that it might be a rough couple of weeks but the person they lied to will come around like they have in the past.  This becomes a learned behavior and accepted. Thus creating in the liars mind a right of passage to continue.

I don't know the answer for her and as much as I have had it on my mind and in my heart the only thing I can share with her going forward is she has to decided.. when enough is enough.  Sometimes you have to end the friendship or relationship because nothing changes.  She has to be able to accept that the person who lies to her is going to continue to do so and that it's THEIR character flaw and not hers.  I try and tell her that if she really sits and thinks about their past she will be able to see that she is not the only one this person lies to thus proving even more this person will never change. 

I blog about this today in hopes that my friend, who reads my blog, will see the black and white of it all and be able to find peace.  And if there are others out there in her situation as well they will know they are not alone and they are not the only ones suffering.

And to the liars out there too who might be reading this.  Please, stop lying to those people who love and care for you.  You are only hurting those around and there will be a time and day when it will come back and hurt you too.  Maybe you will find yourself alone, maybe you will find yourself without your partner or friends but regardless you're better than the lies you tell.  You can't possibly feel good about yourself all the time knowing these lies are lurking all around you and those in your life look at you and have to ask themselves.....

 "Are they telling the truth THIS time?"

To my friend... I love you, care about you and only want the best for you.  Love yourself as much as I love you and hear me again.... THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU this is a flaw of the person lying to you.  And as much as they claim to love you, which I believe, the love you need to see now is a truthful one.

Here is my song to you today beautiful:

Have a great day everyone!

~Mellie