Her take of the situation, according to what I gathered, was that she felt as if her needs in the marriage were going unmet and that her hubby didn't care about her. His response to her in the past has been "if she is so unhappy than perhaps she should go and find someone else to make her happy."
How many times have married couples said this to each other..... more than there are numbers to count I would bet.
As her and I exchanged texts back and forth it became clear to me that the issue at hand, although big and very important, was really not the issue that was the core of the problem for these two. Like myself my friend can get herself lost in her "feelings" They can make the day bright as the sun or dark as the night and they can change on a whim. I have spent many of years living in my feelings and getting lost along the way.
It has became clear to me that I can no live by my feelings alone. They are a roller coaster of emotions that can take you for a ride that can destroy everything you are working for. Generally when we act on our emotions we make poor choices in life and sometimes irreversible consequences occur. It has been and continues to be a struggle for me to change this behavior and I was moved to share with her that she too has to change this about herself.
The first step to doing this in my marriage and what I suggested for my friend was to find her own happiness. I find as I look more and more into my marriage and friends share more and more of their marriages with me it seems like we are always looking to our spouse to make us happy. Whether it's approval from them, love from them, support from them or just plain acceptance we thrive so much for something that will make us happy..... but when did we stop making ourselves happy?
It is not my hubby's job to make me happy, it is mine and mine alone. I had to learn that I have to find what really brings joy in my life and go out and seek it. I had to determine what was important to me and go with it. For me it was getting myself into shape.
Sure, I began working out at first to appease my hubby but as time went on it became about me being happy in my own skin and this was one of the steps. When I feel like I have lacked on working out or my eating and see changes in my body that need to improve it is no longer for my hubby it is because this is what will make me more happy.
When I journal or blog it is not to show my hubby what a good girl I am and how I am trying to improve my marriage or who I am.. it is because writing makes me happy.
Just like I told my friend last night:
"You have to start taking care of yourself and stop waiting for your hubby to make you happy. YOU have to find your happiness without him. Doesn't mean you leave him, it just means you begin a search for yourself.. on your own.. in your space and then continue to pray and try and talk to him. Your hubby is a good man, you love him. Hold onto the good things about your hubby and your relationship when times are dark and you feel alone. Pray for God to take your pain and deal with it the way only He knows how. Sometimes when our spouse see that we are happy or getting happy it can create a new spark between the two of you that you can grow on and build. The enemy binds your marriage and your hubby through problems big and small. The enemy will be a constant reminder of your problems. You must find peace in yourself and that happiness in yourself before you can make a happiness in your marriage."
Just like working out, no one is going to do the work for you and there is no quick and easy solution. Marriage is hard and it can take many years to come together and feel as if it is right. But how can any of us expect to be happy in our marriages if we are not happy in ourselves? It is not being selfish finding YOUR happiness... it is doing an honor to yourself, your hubby, you kids and your marriage to be happy. Being happy is a sure way to avoid falling into dark days of "feelings" that can run away with your mind and zap any happy feelings you have.
My example of my feelings today: I posted a bible verse on my hubby's Facebook wall. I searched a long time for some prayers and verses that I was going to use and told myself I would post a prayer once a day for him for 30 days to show my love, respect and admiration. An hour later he deleted it off his wall. When I asked him why he said "I don't like it when you post versus on my wall it makes me feel as if you are lecturing me." Well, let me tell you my feelings ramped up and I got all upset. I was hurt, I was mad, I was embarrassed and I was disappointed. My feelings started sending me into a darkness I was all too familiar with but refused to go into.
I had to say to myself... it was not your intention to make him feel like he was being lectured so you did nothing wrong. But I also had to say to myself "I am not in control of the way he feels and if that's what came out of me posting a verse on his wall than that was not the goal of my post either" so I had to let it go.
By taking a few moments, okay maybe a 1/2 hour, I moved beyond those feelings and did not allow them to run away with me. I was able to change my pattern of behavior and not let my feelings dictate me or the rest of my day. Because after all the post was for HIM not to make me feel a certain way...... so, now I know.... no posts of bible versus on hubby's wall and my peace and happiness is still intact.
Have a blessed day
~Mellie
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